Comment from apky

Excellent

I wouldn't worry too much about the length of the post, Tony. Well, I personally don't mind long chapters because I can get more meaning and have better judgement point to help me in reviewing.

This chapter had another suspicious twist thrown in, in the form of Madame Durand. Now the reader is of course busy trying to connect the dots and eager to read the next chapter to find out. A brilliant move, always.


(")She's probably just gone to powder her nose -

 Comment Written 04-Nov-2018

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reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018

Thanks, apky, for picking up the spag - now corrected. I appreciate your sharp eye. I will probably start writing slightly longer chapters from now on, to maintain the flow better. I had a read through the whole book so far last night and found it very choppy. I'll be amalgamating several of the chapters on my final edit and probably re-arranging some of them. No doubt there'll be a few bits that need deleting altogether. Writing by instalment like this has its pros and cons.

Comment from Mastery

Excellent

Hi, Tony. another fine chapter. I want to make a suggestion, however that may improve all of your writing from now on: Used often and properly it will put a charge into your writing, I think If I may: (I will explain as best as I can)

Put more imagery with your actions, like here:

""I only do it to people I don't like. Sometimes I have a sixth sense."

Rewrite as follows for more visible action: "I only do it to people I don't care for." He paused and cleared his throat. "Sometimes I have a sixth sense about these things."

Not much change, rather subtle but added life to the dialogue, don't you think, Tony?

Here is another example: Yours: ""Alain! That grumpy old bastard! The one who stole my envelope? You must be joking."

Mine: "Alain! That grumpy old bastard!" He laughed. "The one who swiped my envelope? You must be joking."

And one more: Yours: "Madame Durand half rose from her seat. "What kept you so long? I was worried that you had run into trouble up there. Did you get the journal, Helen? Was it still where you'd hidden it?"

Mine: " "Madame Durand half rose from her seat. "What kept you so long?" She lowered her voice and moved closer to him: "I was worried you had run into trouble up there." she paused. "Did you get the journal, Helen?" Was it still where you had hidden it?"

I realize these small changes on the outset don't look that important, but believe me, Tony, they make a big difference in your writing and how it is perceived. bless you, my friend. Bob

 Comment Written 04-Nov-2018

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reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018

Thanks, Bob. As always, a most useful review. I like the idea of some of your suggestions and can see how these action tags improve the writing. I'm becoming more aware of them, and will continue to practise their use. I shall eventually go back through the whole book, incorporating more of them in earlier chapters. This is the kind of feedback that is really useful to me, as a beginning writer. I've been concentrating almost exclusively on poetry for the past few years and have quite a lot to learn when it comes to writing fictional prose. Thanks again. All the best, Tony

reply by Mastery on 04-Nov-2018

At least you want to learn...some on here do not, or know it all. Bless you, my friend. I will help in any way I can. Some say too much detail is a bad thing. Yes, but you won't be able to judge your own writing until you start adding small details. You can always back off. :) Bob

reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018

I've had another go at the part where they meet Helen's landlady. Is this more the kind of thing you had in mind?

After a few moments, I heard a scuffling from the other side. The door opened a crack, still on its safety chain, and an old lady peered through.

"Qui c'est?"

"It's only me, Madeleine. I've come to pick up the things I left in your safe." Mme Bisset did not respond immediately, so she continued, "You know - my passport and papers."

"Oh, it's you, Helen! Why didn't you say so? Yes, I remember. Just a minute." She fumbled around with the safety chain and opened the door. "Come on in."

An overpowering odour of cats greeted us. I plunged my hand deep into my pocket to find a handkerchief to forestall an inevitable, allergic sneeze. Madeleine looked me up and down with suspicion, her eyes coming to rest on the outline of my buried fist. "Who is that man with you? Is that a gun in his pocket?"

"No, Madeleine. He's just pleased to see you." I drew out my handkerchief and covered my nose with it, to suppress both my laughter and my sneeze.

Madeleine let out a squawk. "Oh, she's a tease, that one! Pleased to see me! I doubt it."  She winked at me with an undeniably naughty look, "Mind you, there used to be a time when I had tits like Mae West - but they've slipped a little now." She cupped her hands under her bra and hoisted her ample bosom. "See?"

Shuffling between us in her down-at-heel slippers, she pushed the door shut. "What a cheeky thing you are, Helen. I don't know why I put up with it." Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she added, "And who were those men you were with this morning? I hope you're not running a 'maison close' in my house, young lady."

reply by Mastery on 05-Nov-2018

Yes Yes Yes. Can you see the world of difference, tony? Bob

reply by Mastery on 05-Nov-2018

I realize it seems petty (lots of detail) and takes more time to write, but the satisfaction of a better chapter make it all worthwhile, my friend. As you will see. (You can always cut back some if you find yourself "overdoing it" :) Bob

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Exceptional

I, once again, completely enjoyed reading your post. I am wondering where Madame Jeanne Durand went. I am sure she wasn't visiting the lady's room. LOL I thought Charles might have asked the waiter. Hmm, I will just wait and see.

You want this gentleman to think he's the only one in the running, do you. (needs a question mark, not period. At least I read it that way.)

 Comment Written 04-Nov-2018

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reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018

Thanks for your review, Barbara, and your suggestion. I have now amended the period to a question mark. I appreciate your sharp eye! I'm not sure if there was anything sinister about Jeanne Durand's temporary disappearance - but you never know, there might be! I guess it will come out later if there was! Very many thanks for the sixth star. Much appreciated. All the best, Tony

Comment from Debbie Pope

Excellent

I like that the teasing repartee is back. So Helen has eight limbs? Amazing woman! And your landlady is a charm. You really do a good job portraying your women. You have a great plot going here, but to me, your story is more character driven. Your characters are simply appealing.
Nice job.

 Comment Written 04-Nov-2018

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reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018

Many thanks for your lovely review, Debbie, and for your comments about characterisation. I must say that I am having a bit of fun creating some of these minor characters - and both Charles and Helen are becoming more real in my mind as the story continues. The mention of eight limbs harks back to a reference in one of the previous chapters, of Helen learning Muay Thai in Bangkok - 'the art of the eight limbs'.

Comment from Pantygynt

Excellent

He is sailing close to the wind here. When a woman says something like,

"I'll try to ignore that, Charles, but I may not forget that you said it."

you know you're courting trouble - or you ought to know at your age. This is getting the fweel of one of those globetrotting thrillers but then what else would you expect two travel writers to become mixed up in. Next stop my old hunting grounds in the west country - or is it? Will they make it back to England, home and beauty.

This 'shaggy dog' continues to be great fun.

 Comment Written 04-Nov-2018

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reply by the author on 05-Nov-2018

I do hope they are able to bury themselves somewhere in the Cotswolds - not literally, of course. If I were Charles, I'd probably try to ditch one of them first though - and perhaps bury the other. Now, there's a thought!

Comment from kiwijenny

Exceptional

Tony you keep me reading and smiling, I mean chortling. I like how deftly you draw your characters...the Mae West landlady. This is an enjoyable read. You keep us guessing and leave us wanting to read the next installment. This is rather like the way Mark Twain and Dickens were read ...in installments. No wonder they got so popular
God bless

 Comment Written 04-Nov-2018

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reply by the author on 05-Nov-2018

Thanks, Jenny. I appreciate your comments and the extra star. There are pluses and minuses to writing in instalments, but it certainly provides motivation to keep going!

Comment from Scarbrems

Excellent

I realise I haven't read the rest of the novel, but reading this as a standalone not only gives me a bit of understanding of the whole, but encourages me to read more. The dialogue here is perfectly pitched, natural and believable.

If it wasn't for certain giveaway references (Euros, SatNav), this could be the 1930s/40s. It has a film noir quality about it that had me picturing big hats, long gloves and cigarette holders ....

I will go back and take a look at earlier chapters, though I can't promise to review all of them, but I will say, onthe basis of this chapter, I'd buy this if it were available in a book store.

 Comment Written 04-Nov-2018

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reply by the author on 05-Nov-2018

I very much appreciate your words of encouragement, Sarkems. Thank you for your support. Best wishes, Tony

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

Hi Tony, I'm glad you got carried away. It's a great chapter, and wonderful dialogue and interaction between them all. So the deception is being played out and a smoke screen is put in place. And now on to London. Hmm - And then what? Looking forward to that. All the best. Ulla:))

 Comment Written 04-Nov-2018

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reply by the author on 05-Nov-2018

Thanks, Ulla. I appreciate your engagement with the story and your encouragement. All the best, Tony

Comment from Sankey

Excellent

Another great chapter. Looking forward to where we are going. Curious about the lady Jeanne whats her name. Well done and absolutely spag free again. Hurry back with some more.

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 Comment Written 04-Nov-2018

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reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018

Thanks, Sankey. I appreciate your review. Best wishes, Tony

Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

Great job, Batman! And I'm glad he's so quick witted. Now, the landlady is a bit daft but I guess that keeps her safe. Funny quote from Mae West. Surprised that she's that well known!

One comment:
"Qui c'est?" (this sounds a bit odd to me. I think I heard
"Qui est-ce?" more. But you've traveled more so you could be right.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 04-Nov-2018

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reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018

Thanks, Helen. I appreciate your review. I think est-ce and c'est are both OK. 'Qui c'est?' is perhaps a rather more abrupt and informal way of saying 'Who is it?' I could be wrong - my French is not all that great! Best wishes, Tony