The New Sheriff
A fictional story of my childhood14 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi, Phillip. I know I came in late to review this but I've had my family visiting from Denmark and my granddaughters took up so much of my time. So I'm hopelessly behind. Now I'm catching up.
Well to your story. You let us look in to see how the dynamics worked in your household, and that was quite interesting. I also understand the how your father saw himself as the Patriarch of the home. And in the end you concede it is the woman who always has the ultimate word. I tend to agree.
To be honest, Phillip. This was not the best of your writes. It's too passive in its tone. The second paragraph is a prime example of that.
Kind regards. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2018
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Hi, Phillip. I know I came in late to review this but I've had my family visiting from Denmark and my granddaughters took up so much of my time. So I'm hopelessly behind. Now I'm catching up.
Well to your story. You let us look in to see how the dynamics worked in your household, and that was quite interesting. I also understand the how your father saw himself as the Patriarch of the home. And in the end you concede it is the woman who always has the ultimate word. I tend to agree.
To be honest, Phillip. This was not the best of your writes. It's too passive in its tone. The second paragraph is a prime example of that.
Kind regards. Ulla:))
Comment Written 31-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2018
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Thanks for your kind words of corrections. Since that piece, I've learned through my personal reading that most of my work is awful, filled with passive rather than active sentence construction. I love how sweetly you communicated my problem to me. Along with my writing problem, the activity toward what I wanted was always blocked. In fact, this fictional account of my family is exactly what I said. It is a fictional account of my family life. Raised in a single parent home with my mother and two brothers of one who is dead, I picked up this family view though accepted impression in my 'Day". At this time, my efforts are toward constructing better sentences and gaining other writing tools. This site filled with a mixed bag of personalities is a gold mine to a good writer, so I'm at work to become one of them. Thanks, Ulla.
Phillip
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Phillip, your reaction is the right one. You keep on writing and take on board all the advise you're getting and you'll be there. That's how I've learned to improve my writing. I'm looking forward to your next story/writing. It takes a lot of practice. :))
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Yes, writing takes a lot of practice, but I need to practice on the right things, Ulla. But, the right surrounding is what's important and you make that true.
Phillip
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Go on writing. I will be happy to help whenever I can. :))
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Thanks, Ulla.
Comment from Spitfire
A clever title. The last paragraph is your best. The first paragraph repeats 'was' four times. Try to avoid this passive voice. e.g.
Back 'In The Day,my family followed the established way of household structures. Fathers headed the house. As the the breadwinner, he had the last word unless Mom stepped in for a praiseworthy reason, which happened on rare occasions.
I don't understand this sentence: And just because he made the money, he'd let you know when you earned no rough treatment.
The following sentence is too wordy:
Also, when there were disagreements between Mom and Dad, it appeared more like a debate, not like a big dragged out argument I watched at my friend's Luther's house.
(Try to avoid phrases such as "There were/are")
Start your sentence with "Disagreements between Mom and Dad sounded more like a debate, not like a big dragged out argument I watched at my friend Luther's house.
Just some useful suggestions.
Shari
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2018
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A clever title. The last paragraph is your best. The first paragraph repeats 'was' four times. Try to avoid this passive voice. e.g.
Back 'In The Day,my family followed the established way of household structures. Fathers headed the house. As the the breadwinner, he had the last word unless Mom stepped in for a praiseworthy reason, which happened on rare occasions.
I don't understand this sentence: And just because he made the money, he'd let you know when you earned no rough treatment.
The following sentence is too wordy:
Also, when there were disagreements between Mom and Dad, it appeared more like a debate, not like a big dragged out argument I watched at my friend's Luther's house.
(Try to avoid phrases such as "There were/are")
Start your sentence with "Disagreements between Mom and Dad sounded more like a debate, not like a big dragged out argument I watched at my friend Luther's house.
Just some useful suggestions.
Shari
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2018
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Hmm. Thanks, The piece sucks, if you asked me. I read something, hoping I do better on other stories in the future. You ripped me "a new one" on this installment. Man!!
Phillip
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It's like everything. Takes practice. Even well-known authors don't always have something that sells.
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Yeap.
Comment from apky
This is a really wonderful piece of writing, Phillip. Society today would do well to follow what you describe in your story. Of course we would all agree that the time of that strict division of labour where the father earned the money and the father run the home, is virtually gone. But respect and consideration between all people, not just husband and wife, is for all times.
Bravo, my friend.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2018
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This is a really wonderful piece of writing, Phillip. Society today would do well to follow what you describe in your story. Of course we would all agree that the time of that strict division of labour where the father earned the money and the father run the home, is virtually gone. But respect and consideration between all people, not just husband and wife, is for all times.
Bravo, my friend.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2018
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True, Aki. The view is not popular, in no way shape or form. In fact, I can't see women willing to dismiss everything they've earned. This is only fiction and always have been in my life.
Phillip
Comment from c_lucas
A wise husband would always listen to his wife's opinion before handing down his own. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read/
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2018
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A wise husband would always listen to his wife's opinion before handing down his own. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read/
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2018
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Thanks, C Lucas, I appreciate the compliment, however, I'm single but I know and have been in successful relationships.
Phillip
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You're welcome, Phillip.
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K.
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You are welcome.
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replied
Comment from lyenochka
Sounds like you had a wonderful family and I enjoyed reading this wise and timely reminder of what we need today in society.
A few comments:
" between mom and dad," (Mom and Dad) because here these are used as if they were names.
This sentence was a little hard to decipher:
" In fact, struggle together habits within the home -- like what we saw between mom and dad was, present the best you can to work together."
--maybe--
" In fact, habitual struggling together within the home, like what we saw between mom and dad, showed us the best way to work together."
"merely to wed couples" (married) - wed is more used as a verb and it just feels odd here. But it's completely your choice.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Sounds like you had a wonderful family and I enjoyed reading this wise and timely reminder of what we need today in society.
A few comments:
" between mom and dad," (Mom and Dad) because here these are used as if they were names.
This sentence was a little hard to decipher:
" In fact, struggle together habits within the home -- like what we saw between mom and dad was, present the best you can to work together."
--maybe--
" In fact, habitual struggling together within the home, like what we saw between mom and dad, showed us the best way to work together."
"merely to wed couples" (married) - wed is more used as a verb and it just feels odd here. But it's completely your choice.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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No, Lyenochka, my home life wasn't even near this (Fictitious) image. In fact, I lived in a single parent home with my mother and had two younger brothers. And thanks for the corrections and reading.
Phillip
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Then you're a great writer to convince me of the fictional account! ☺
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That's encouraging, Lyenochka, but this idea has been permeating through society ever since I figured out some rights and wrongs. I'm no great writer, but that's encouraging, My Friend.
Phillip
Comment from country ranch writer
A mother is the heart of the home she is the peace maker of all that goes on in the household. Striving to keep everyone together and see the be kind and thoughtful for their fellow man.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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A mother is the heart of the home she is the peace maker of all that goes on in the household. Striving to keep everyone together and see the be kind and thoughtful for their fellow man.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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That's how things stand. I grew up in a single parent home with my mother and two younger brothers. Thanks for reading, country ranch writer.
Phillip
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smiles
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Thanks.
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smiles
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SMILES
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Discipline always begins at home and having a good structure to life always sets children up to know what to expect in adulthood, the household can be ruled with kindness and democracy and it always works, my daughters do a great job and everyone falls into line, but you have to be prepared to follow the rules yourself also! Good family values go a long way. I enjoyed your write Phillip, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Discipline always begins at home and having a good structure to life always sets children up to know what to expect in adulthood, the household can be ruled with kindness and democracy and it always works, my daughters do a great job and everyone falls into line, but you have to be prepared to follow the rules yourself also! Good family values go a long way. I enjoyed your write Phillip, love Dolly x
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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I'm inclined to believe, as well, that good value goo along the way, Dolly. Thanks for reading.
Phillip
Comment from Y. M. Roger
So, reading your essay here brought back so many memories of growing up and of my mom and dad and how things were in the household...excellent portrayal of how things worked 'in our day'. :) :) I've included below a few grammatical catches -- feel free to employ or ignore. :) :) Thank you for sharing, Phil! :) :) Yvette
"He has the last" 'He had the last'
"moments arrive when he grasps something" 'moments arrived when he'd grasp something'
"me that good patriarch" 'me that a good patriarch'
"Time will past so fast you'd wonder" 'Time will pass so fast you'll wonder'
"someone and you will" 'someone, and you will'
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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So, reading your essay here brought back so many memories of growing up and of my mom and dad and how things were in the household...excellent portrayal of how things worked 'in our day'. :) :) I've included below a few grammatical catches -- feel free to employ or ignore. :) :) Thank you for sharing, Phil! :) :) Yvette
"He has the last" 'He had the last'
"moments arrive when he grasps something" 'moments arrived when he'd grasp something'
"me that good patriarch" 'me that a good patriarch'
"Time will past so fast you'd wonder" 'Time will pass so fast you'll wonder'
"someone and you will" 'someone, and you will'
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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I greatly appreciate the corrections, Y. M. Thanks for reading.
Phillip
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was really good, Phillip. The family home isn't like it used to be, where the father worked to keep his family with a roof over there heads and food in their tummy. These days there are no family meals taken together and no family discussions like those we had and my children had. It's mostly all gone. I enjoyed this story. Well done, my friend. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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That was really good, Phillip. The family home isn't like it used to be, where the father worked to keep his family with a roof over there heads and food in their tummy. These days there are no family meals taken together and no family discussions like those we had and my children had. It's mostly all gone. I enjoyed this story. Well done, my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Thanks for reading, Sandra.
Phillip
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Phillip. This is an excellent commentary on the merit of a strong family unit, working together for the betterment of all--especially the kids. I like that you say the 'back and forth' between parents wasn't a fight, but rather a discussion of ideas--a give and take to come up with a compromise or an agreement. The deterioration of the family unit is the cause of many problems today.
There are some vocabulary errors throughout this piece. Suggest reviewing and fixing them. Here one example: (By the way... this is a great message and my favorite paragraph.)
"they'd go look (looking) for trouble, which reminds me that (a) good patriarch says the world has enough trouble. It needs no one to add to its cup. It's full enough. Work hard at whatever you do with your life. Time will past (pass) so fast you'd (you'll) wonder where it went. Try to be helpful and kind. One day you will need someone and you will be glad you did your part. In summation, societies don't recognize the father as the brain of the household."
Marilyn
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Hi Phillip. This is an excellent commentary on the merit of a strong family unit, working together for the betterment of all--especially the kids. I like that you say the 'back and forth' between parents wasn't a fight, but rather a discussion of ideas--a give and take to come up with a compromise or an agreement. The deterioration of the family unit is the cause of many problems today.
There are some vocabulary errors throughout this piece. Suggest reviewing and fixing them. Here one example: (By the way... this is a great message and my favorite paragraph.)
"they'd go look (looking) for trouble, which reminds me that (a) good patriarch says the world has enough trouble. It needs no one to add to its cup. It's full enough. Work hard at whatever you do with your life. Time will past (pass) so fast you'd (you'll) wonder where it went. Try to be helpful and kind. One day you will need someone and you will be glad you did your part. In summation, societies don't recognize the father as the brain of the household."
Marilyn
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
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Thanks a lot, Beas. I appreciate the corrections.
Phillip
