Grocery Shopping
Miller's bus trip to the grocery store.35 total reviews
Comment from Pamusart
Hi pbomar1115. I love this. You are really a good writer. The bus driver probably did have a crush. Then he should not have made the other guy fall into the seat directly across from her. Beautiful. I just have a couple of small suggestions/questions. Thank you for sharing
"The next time he got up it was at his destination"
Do you really need the word it?
"weakness due in part that he also had fallen half in love with the woman, too."
"due in part that" sounds strange
Maybe
"due in part to the fact that"
Great job.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2018
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Hi pbomar1115. I love this. You are really a good writer. The bus driver probably did have a crush. Then he should not have made the other guy fall into the seat directly across from her. Beautiful. I just have a couple of small suggestions/questions. Thank you for sharing
"The next time he got up it was at his destination"
Do you really need the word it?
"weakness due in part that he also had fallen half in love with the woman, too."
"due in part that" sounds strange
Maybe
"due in part to the fact that"
Great job.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2018
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Thanks for reading and the suggestions, Pamusart. I will do what I can.
Phillip
Comment from country ranch writer
A not so pleasant trip home due to the driver being an ass and a girl that shows hers well what a fine kettle of fish an uneventful day.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2018
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A not so pleasant trip home due to the driver being an ass and a girl that shows hers well what a fine kettle of fish an uneventful day.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2018
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Thanks for reading, country ranch writer.
Phillip
Comment from meeshu
interesting write, Pbomar. I don't know quite what to make of it, but I am intrigued and will ponder it for a while, I should think. very, very good...............meeshu
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2018
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interesting write, Pbomar. I don't know quite what to make of it, but I am intrigued and will ponder it for a while, I should think. very, very good...............meeshu
Comment Written 23-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2018
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Thanks for reading, Meeshu.
Phillip
Comment from lyenochka
Welcome back, Phillip! Haven't seen a work from you in a long time.
Is this piece a flash fiction? I like all the details of the harried experience of catching the bus and the difficulty of getting the pass out. It seems the rudeness of the driver might be in part to his attraction to the lady. But I wish I had some of the dialogue between the lady and the bus driver because I'm only told that she had "violent opinions." Perhaps a dialogue would show us the opinionated nature of the woman and the interest of the driver.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2018
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Welcome back, Phillip! Haven't seen a work from you in a long time.
Is this piece a flash fiction? I like all the details of the harried experience of catching the bus and the difficulty of getting the pass out. It seems the rudeness of the driver might be in part to his attraction to the lady. But I wish I had some of the dialogue between the lady and the bus driver because I'm only told that she had "violent opinions." Perhaps a dialogue would show us the opinionated nature of the woman and the interest of the driver.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2018
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Thanks for reading, Lyenochka.
Phillip
Comment from kathleenspalding
Excellent story kept my attention and did an excellent job painting the scene. A lot was revealed about the main character's character here. Just a couple nits -
Upon boarding the bus, huffing[[, - delete comma]]and puffing[[,]] carrying
Hoping the driver [[conforms - would conform]] to a more
without even the slightest suggestion of response and pressed forward[[,]] causing Miller to [[grabbed - grab]] the bus pole [[positioning - to keep?]] himself from falling and sat in the seat behind the driver. (actually, this is a very long sentence, so maybe revisit and divide into two or three sentences.)
Across from Miller, a woman sat. - Is she across the aisle from him? (Some busses and trains have seats facing each other)
black[[, - can delete if you want]] wool[[, - definitely delete this comma]] fedora, (love your description of this woman!)
As he turned the key [[into - in]] the lock,
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reply by the author on 23-Oct-2018
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Excellent story kept my attention and did an excellent job painting the scene. A lot was revealed about the main character's character here. Just a couple nits -
Upon boarding the bus, huffing[[, - delete comma]]and puffing[[,]] carrying
Hoping the driver [[conforms - would conform]] to a more
without even the slightest suggestion of response and pressed forward[[,]] causing Miller to [[grabbed - grab]] the bus pole [[positioning - to keep?]] himself from falling and sat in the seat behind the driver. (actually, this is a very long sentence, so maybe revisit and divide into two or three sentences.)
Across from Miller, a woman sat. - Is she across the aisle from him? (Some busses and trains have seats facing each other)
black[[, - can delete if you want]] wool[[, - definitely delete this comma]] fedora, (love your description of this woman!)
As he turned the key [[into - in]] the lock,
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2018
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I very much appreciate the time you took out to make the correction, Kathleen. You are an angel.
Phillip
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You're very welcome.
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Ok.
