Grocery Shopping
Miller's bus trip to the grocery store.35 total reviews
Comment from Lady Jane
Upon boarding the bus, huffing (while) carrying two large bags and wearing a backpack, Miller said, "Let me sit my things down while I get my bus-pass out."
Good tense flow, clean follow through with language and mechanics, a story that is tied up with a bow in a sensible manner...he'd half fell in love with her, huh? Great way to end the short write. Nicely done, writer. Thanks for sharing.
Janelle
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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Upon boarding the bus, huffing (while) carrying two large bags and wearing a backpack, Miller said, "Let me sit my things down while I get my bus-pass out."
Good tense flow, clean follow through with language and mechanics, a story that is tied up with a bow in a sensible manner...he'd half fell in love with her, huh? Great way to end the short write. Nicely done, writer. Thanks for sharing.
Janelle
Comment Written 26-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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Oh, thanks a lot, Janelle.
Phillip
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You bet, dear!
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K.
Comment from Trenton Stinchfield
I liked this, it was short and got to the point, but that's kind of the problem as well. While short and to the point may work in some cases, there is just too much telling instead of show in this. What is the lady in the fedora doing during the bus trip? Why does Miller fall in love with her? Why is Miller on the bus in the first place? With a bit more tweaking in the story, I think this could become an excellent piece of flash fiction.
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reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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I liked this, it was short and got to the point, but that's kind of the problem as well. While short and to the point may work in some cases, there is just too much telling instead of show in this. What is the lady in the fedora doing during the bus trip? Why does Miller fall in love with her? Why is Miller on the bus in the first place? With a bit more tweaking in the story, I think this could become an excellent piece of flash fiction.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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Thanks for reading the piece, Trenton.
Phillip
Comment from royowen
Thisvisca great filip for the original unending story, I think most of us have experienced this, or something similar, wanting to win over the world, but stopping short, I'd rather be comfortable in my own skin. Beautfully written in great language, well done, blessjngs, Roy
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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Thisvisca great filip for the original unending story, I think most of us have experienced this, or something similar, wanting to win over the world, but stopping short, I'd rather be comfortable in my own skin. Beautfully written in great language, well done, blessjngs, Roy
Comment Written 26-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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Thanks, Roy Owen. I appreciate you reading the piece.
Phillip
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Welcome
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Thank you, Roy.
Phillip
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My pleasure
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K.
Comment from JDRBAR
This is real cute, more so if a true story LOL. There are a few grammatical errors but not enough to take away from the story. This could be the beginning of a longer story
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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This is real cute, more so if a true story LOL. There are a few grammatical errors but not enough to take away from the story. This could be the beginning of a longer story
Comment Written 26-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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Thanks for reading, JDRBAR. I appreciate the encouragement.
Phillip
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Yea, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Does my bus pass make you horny? This reminds me of the boy who ran for the school bus. He didn't make it in time and the bus left without him. A man who was watching said, "You didn't run fast enough."
The boy said, "I ran as fast as I could. I didn't start soon enough."
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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Yea, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Does my bus pass make you horny? This reminds me of the boy who ran for the school bus. He didn't make it in time and the bus left without him. A man who was watching said, "You didn't run fast enough."
The boy said, "I ran as fast as I could. I didn't start soon enough."
Comment Written 26-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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Hahaha. Thanks, Thomas, for reading the piece.
Phillip
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Phillip,
I can see where you going with this but I'm not sure it's fully there yet. The expressions are a little stilted at times.
huffing carrying two large bags - this is a little awkwardly expressed.
She had violent opinions about everything as if to show, despite her extremely beautiful face and body, she damn well had a mind and the bus driver concurred.- how do we know about the violent opnions. the point of view character appeared to Miller but he couldn't know this unless she displayed them in some way.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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Hi Phillip,
I can see where you going with this but I'm not sure it's fully there yet. The expressions are a little stilted at times.
huffing carrying two large bags - this is a little awkwardly expressed.
She had violent opinions about everything as if to show, despite her extremely beautiful face and body, she damn well had a mind and the bus driver concurred.- how do we know about the violent opnions. the point of view character appeared to Miller but he couldn't know this unless she displayed them in some way.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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Clearly, G, you don't spend much time on the bus in the black community. But, I do appreciate you reading this piece.
Phillip
Comment from Honey Bee Jean
Such well developed characters. Loved the half naked, rowdy female passenger. Thank you so much for sharing. Best of luck to you in all of your endeavors!
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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Such well developed characters. Loved the half naked, rowdy female passenger. Thank you so much for sharing. Best of luck to you in all of your endeavors!
Comment Written 26-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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Thanks for reading, Honey Bee Jean.
Phillip
Comment from ciliverde
I enjoyed your Flash Fiction story, which ended on a note of mixed feelings on the part of your character Miller. He is rightfully angry at the bus driver's rude behavior and a full of admiration for the lady.
This paragraph is interesting, in that it implies some kind of knowledge one wouldn't think Miller had - that the woman had violent opinions, and that the bus driver knew she "had a mind"...
Across the aisle from Miller, a woman sat. She wore a one-piece sexy bodysuit, a wool fedora, and no makeup. She had violent opinions about everything as if to show, despite her extremely beautiful face and body, she damn well had a mind and the bus driver concurred.
Carol
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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I enjoyed your Flash Fiction story, which ended on a note of mixed feelings on the part of your character Miller. He is rightfully angry at the bus driver's rude behavior and a full of admiration for the lady.
This paragraph is interesting, in that it implies some kind of knowledge one wouldn't think Miller had - that the woman had violent opinions, and that the bus driver knew she "had a mind"...
Across the aisle from Miller, a woman sat. She wore a one-piece sexy bodysuit, a wool fedora, and no makeup. She had violent opinions about everything as if to show, despite her extremely beautiful face and body, she damn well had a mind and the bus driver concurred.
Carol
Comment Written 26-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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I can understand the foolish behavior of an immature or horny man-- by agreeing-- when the allure of a beautiful woman captures a hopeful, unsuspecting man. All men, if not most, have been there. Thanks for reading, Ciliverde.
Phillip
Comment from c_lucas
Bus drivers and others who serve the public has to have a good personality. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read. There is excellent imagery.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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Bus drivers and others who serve the public has to have a good personality. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read. There is excellent imagery.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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Wow! C Lucas. You made my day. Thanks for reading.
Phillip
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You're welcome
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Okay.
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Good job.
Comment from Zue65
Your story ended with a cliffhanger ending and the technique was effective in arousing the interest of the readers on how the next post will turn out with Miller and the beautiful lady in the bus. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2018
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Your story ended with a cliffhanger ending and the technique was effective in arousing the interest of the readers on how the next post will turn out with Miller and the beautiful lady in the bus. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2018
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It was just a small idea. There isn't more of, Miller. Thanks for reading, Nassus.
Phillip
