Chocolate Thunder
Rebellion in Dog Heaven21 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Ok, it is an interesting and amusing story. I'd skip the HHIC part and just say what he is. Don't really catch on to what Coco saw on the visual screen as you don't give it any explanation. Is he going to return to heaven as a Collie after he rescues Timmy? For some reason that is what I thought as the Grand Maltese sentenced him. Anyway, it is an amusing dog story with a cool Coco.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2022
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Ok, it is an interesting and amusing story. I'd skip the HHIC part and just say what he is. Don't really catch on to what Coco saw on the visual screen as you don't give it any explanation. Is he going to return to heaven as a Collie after he rescues Timmy? For some reason that is what I thought as the Grand Maltese sentenced him. Anyway, it is an amusing dog story with a cool Coco.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2022
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Appreciate the review.
Comment from K.L. Rockquemore
I enjoyed your piece. I have a blond lab named Sienna, she's my support animal. You did a nice job with this.I would have you consider shortening your paragraphs, or rather break up the longer ones. It would give the readers eyes a break. Also, dialogue gets its own line.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2022
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I enjoyed your piece. I have a blond lab named Sienna, she's my support animal. You did a nice job with this.I would have you consider shortening your paragraphs, or rather break up the longer ones. It would give the readers eyes a break. Also, dialogue gets its own line.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2022
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Appreciate the review.
Comment from Ric Myworld
It's always nice to read a story that turns out not to be what the readers would expect. Since, many times, we can figure out where a story is going from the first line. Congratulations on the invite and best of luck!
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2022
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It's always nice to read a story that turns out not to be what the readers would expect. Since, many times, we can figure out where a story is going from the first line. Congratulations on the invite and best of luck!
Comment Written 15-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2022
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Thank you for your regards as to the invite and the review. Much appreciated.
Comment from jessizero
This is a good start. It made me uneasy, but that's probably more because of my own beliefs and not because of your writing. Good luck with your project!
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2022
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This is a good start. It made me uneasy, but that's probably more because of my own beliefs and not because of your writing. Good luck with your project!
Comment Written 14-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2022
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Appreciate the review.
Comment from judiverse
You set up the two dog characters very well. They are so different. KoKo thinks he's really something, but so does the Grand Maltese. KoKo tries to question the Grandee's position but gets into trouble for doing so. The only KoKo will be re-instated in dog heaven is if he rescues the child. That's a great beginning. The dialogue with the talking dogs is excellent.
judi
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2022
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You set up the two dog characters very well. They are so different. KoKo thinks he's really something, but so does the Grand Maltese. KoKo tries to question the Grandee's position but gets into trouble for doing so. The only KoKo will be re-instated in dog heaven is if he rescues the child. That's a great beginning. The dialogue with the talking dogs is excellent.
judi
Comment Written 14-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2022
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Glad you enjoyed this story. Appreciate the review.
Comment from Judy Lawless
I think you've got a good start to a young adult book of fiction, Brett. You've done a good job of characterizing the two dogs, and their dislike for each other. The story is interesting and you've created enough curiosity to warrant further reading. I wish you good luck in the contest.
You asked for honest suggestions, so here goes:
"Stately and proud, I have, count them while I wiggle them for you: one, two, three, four sturdy legs." - this sentence is awkward, but the only suggestion I have is to remove the colon and replace it with a comma.
"the Grand Maltese passed by me in his decked(-)out splendid regal(regalia)." - You might try this: the Grand Maltese passed by me, decked-out in his splendid regalia.
"You should have seen how instantaneously he halted right there in front of me(,) on the crushed red velvet carpeting (where) my downfall occurred(.) on(remove this).
"Our issues started a couple years ago when I (first?) experienced this fiasco,"
"Finally, he appeared smug and puffed up.(,) His(his) demeanor sour." - the last part isn't a complete sentence, so make it all one.
...the Grand Maltese instructed,(.) "it(It) is significantly important..." - this needs to be two sentences.
"Why, he is nothing more than a miniature version of the male variety.(;) A short statured gnome of the two-legged species." - because the second part isn't a stand-alone sentence, it needs to be linked to the first part. A semi-colon works well here.
"Because your rebellion merits your expulsion from Dog Heaven,(.) the(The) lad's safe return unharmed to his home is the only way you will ever regain entry back here," the Grand Maltese informed me (of my fate). "See ya!" - The first part should be two sentences I think, in answer to the question. "of my fate" are just extra, unnecessary words.
I hope you find these suggestions helpful. I hope you can decipher my method of pointing out the changes. If not, feel free to ask.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2022
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I think you've got a good start to a young adult book of fiction, Brett. You've done a good job of characterizing the two dogs, and their dislike for each other. The story is interesting and you've created enough curiosity to warrant further reading. I wish you good luck in the contest.
You asked for honest suggestions, so here goes:
"Stately and proud, I have, count them while I wiggle them for you: one, two, three, four sturdy legs." - this sentence is awkward, but the only suggestion I have is to remove the colon and replace it with a comma.
"the Grand Maltese passed by me in his decked(-)out splendid regal(regalia)." - You might try this: the Grand Maltese passed by me, decked-out in his splendid regalia.
"You should have seen how instantaneously he halted right there in front of me(,) on the crushed red velvet carpeting (where) my downfall occurred(.) on(remove this).
"Our issues started a couple years ago when I (first?) experienced this fiasco,"
"Finally, he appeared smug and puffed up.(,) His(his) demeanor sour." - the last part isn't a complete sentence, so make it all one.
...the Grand Maltese instructed,(.) "it(It) is significantly important..." - this needs to be two sentences.
"Why, he is nothing more than a miniature version of the male variety.(;) A short statured gnome of the two-legged species." - because the second part isn't a stand-alone sentence, it needs to be linked to the first part. A semi-colon works well here.
"Because your rebellion merits your expulsion from Dog Heaven,(.) the(The) lad's safe return unharmed to his home is the only way you will ever regain entry back here," the Grand Maltese informed me (of my fate). "See ya!" - The first part should be two sentences I think, in answer to the question. "of my fate" are just extra, unnecessary words.
I hope you find these suggestions helpful. I hope you can decipher my method of pointing out the changes. If not, feel free to ask.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2022
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Just what I was looking for. Much appreciated review.
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You are most welcome, Brett. I like to write helpful reviews when I can.
Comment from Shirley McLain
I did an edit and put the edits it red. I am trying something I've not done before. I hope the file I've created will paste here. Remember, these are just suggestions for you. I liked your story and good luck in the contest. Shirley
The file will not paste. If you would like the edit would you send me an email to shirley_mclain@yahoo.com and I will send it back to you to print out to see the corrections?
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2022
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I did an edit and put the edits it red. I am trying something I've not done before. I hope the file I've created will paste here. Remember, these are just suggestions for you. I liked your story and good luck in the contest. Shirley
The file will not paste. If you would like the edit would you send me an email to shirley_mclain@yahoo.com and I will send it back to you to print out to see the corrections?
Comment Written 14-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2022
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Appreciate you going to the effort to do that. Appreciate your review.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nice set up - different.
to a-a pussycat? - needs spaces around the dash
...he halted right there in front of me on the crushed red velvet carpeting my downfall occurred on. - awkward and unclear
I don't see a reason for capitalizing "MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2022
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Nice set up - different.
to a-a pussycat? - needs spaces around the dash
...he halted right there in front of me on the crushed red velvet carpeting my downfall occurred on. - awkward and unclear
I don't see a reason for capitalizing "MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Best wishes.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2022
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Appreciate the a-a suggestion and the review.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I sure would love to know what happens next. I am glad you re-posted this because I missed it the first time around, my loss. Labradors happen to be one of my favorite breeds. I've owned two yellows and one black. I can completely understand KoKo issue with the Maltese, they are ankle biters. LOL
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2022
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I sure would love to know what happens next. I am glad you re-posted this because I missed it the first time around, my loss. Labradors happen to be one of my favorite breeds. I've owned two yellows and one black. I can completely understand KoKo issue with the Maltese, they are ankle biters. LOL
Comment Written 14-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2022
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Appreciate your support and the review.
Comment from pome lover
well, if this chapter has been invited to be in a first chapter contest by a real publisher, it has been viewed by publishers, and been critiqued by the best, so I will just say that I like your dog and his spunk and I hope he becomes the next grand poopa. I feel sure he would rule fairly. (we could use him now, today)
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2022
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well, if this chapter has been invited to be in a first chapter contest by a real publisher, it has been viewed by publishers, and been critiqued by the best, so I will just say that I like your dog and his spunk and I hope he becomes the next grand poopa. I feel sure he would rule fairly. (we could use him now, today)
Comment Written 14-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2022
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Glad you enjoyed this story.
Much appreciate the review.
