Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Susie Brings Lance Back for Justice"A wife gets revenge for her husbands death
6 total reviews
Comment from Amenian Aypotheeno
Wow well this is good and intriguing write with plenty of story, plot and character. I love this sort of stuff and although I cannot write this kind of thing I read an awful lot of novels, so to me this is like a raw material that needs a blacksmith to finely hone in to a sharpened novel. I hope you don't mind me saying this, as like I said I can't write this stuff, but will point out a few things:
"Susie and Lance always believe on the other side and that ghost or spirits, whatever you want to call them to exist." This line really should have "them, do exist" at the end, a typo for the word but the comma is need due to the parenthetical remark.
You often refer to the subject multiple times as the same thing in the sentence, such as "She waits patiently for nightfall as she prepares herself to perform the spell." from an English point of view consider something like, "She waits patiently for nightfall, preparing herself to perform the spell." this removes the she and sets the tense flow better (in my opinion at least!).
You have a few things like this where you jump from first to third person perspective and it distracts from the flow of the story slightly, and show a few little tense faults. I only say this for you to improve on something I think is really really good and what I have said is something an editor would tidy up if you were going to be published I think. Keep the story, imagination and writing flowing, because I really think it awesome.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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Wow well this is good and intriguing write with plenty of story, plot and character. I love this sort of stuff and although I cannot write this kind of thing I read an awful lot of novels, so to me this is like a raw material that needs a blacksmith to finely hone in to a sharpened novel. I hope you don't mind me saying this, as like I said I can't write this stuff, but will point out a few things:
"Susie and Lance always believe on the other side and that ghost or spirits, whatever you want to call them to exist." This line really should have "them, do exist" at the end, a typo for the word but the comma is need due to the parenthetical remark.
You often refer to the subject multiple times as the same thing in the sentence, such as "She waits patiently for nightfall as she prepares herself to perform the spell." from an English point of view consider something like, "She waits patiently for nightfall, preparing herself to perform the spell." this removes the she and sets the tense flow better (in my opinion at least!).
You have a few things like this where you jump from first to third person perspective and it distracts from the flow of the story slightly, and show a few little tense faults. I only say this for you to improve on something I think is really really good and what I have said is something an editor would tidy up if you were going to be published I think. Keep the story, imagination and writing flowing, because I really think it awesome.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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Thank you for the review and the rating. I appreciate this type of review, because it helps me grow as a writer. I will take a look at this and incorporate your suggestions. Thanks for reading and thank you for your wonderful review.
Comment from Earl Corp
Some how I seem to have gone back in time. Ive read a couple of chapters already and Motorcycles City salesman are dropping like flies. Shouldn't wrong my love be wronged my love. Is a dragon blood bath warm?
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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Some how I seem to have gone back in time. Ive read a couple of chapters already and Motorcycles City salesman are dropping like flies. Shouldn't wrong my love be wronged my love. Is a dragon blood bath warm?
Comment Written 20-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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Thanks for the review and rating. Dragon blood is an herb. I appreciate your input and yes I am reviving some of the later chapters to help me with my next chapter. Thanks for reading.
Comment from C. Gale Burnett
I enjoyed how you described the wicca magic in such detail. I really liked how you had the dogs reacting, first: to Lance's unseen spirit; and second: how they reacted to the demon spirit portraying to be Lance.
You did really awesome in also describing Lance's cold kiss and souless eyes and how Susie picked up on that.
Great story!!!!
Gale
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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I enjoyed how you described the wicca magic in such detail. I really liked how you had the dogs reacting, first: to Lance's unseen spirit; and second: how they reacted to the demon spirit portraying to be Lance.
You did really awesome in also describing Lance's cold kiss and souless eyes and how Susie picked up on that.
Great story!!!!
Gale
Comment Written 19-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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Thank you for your review and rating. I appreciate all feedback. Thank you for your encouraging words. Thanks for reading.
Comment from Ioan geshev
gore dolo ne e koi znae kvo m
ima nujda ot malko promeniu
trqbva da se porazdviji moje bi i malko chustvo za humor neznam ti si znaish bro
no spored men ima kakvo da se naprave
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2019
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gore dolo ne e koi znae kvo m
ima nujda ot malko promeniu
trqbva da se porazdviji moje bi i malko chustvo za humor neznam ti si znaish bro
no spored men ima kakvo da se naprave
Comment Written 19-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2019
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Thanks for reading don't understand the language.
Comment from country ranch writer
She added something to that spell now she has to live with it until she can reverse it somehow. be careful what you ask for is my motto
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2018
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She added something to that spell now she has to live with it until she can reverse it somehow. be careful what you ask for is my motto
Comment Written 16-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2018
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Thank you for your feedback and also agree with your motto.
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smiles
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Very interesting post. I enjoyed reading.
She places all the ingredients in the cauldron, than goes and gets the blood Lance had put in the freezer in the garage. ( then not than, but you might want to say: cauldron and then get the blood...)
"I guess I failed you Lance, I will find a way to get you justice, I will always love you." Susie hopes Lance can hear he (She's talking to her dead husband...I'll in both places)
"Baby you did a wonderful thing, for me, for us," (Baby needs a comma)
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2018
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Very interesting post. I enjoyed reading.
She places all the ingredients in the cauldron, than goes and gets the blood Lance had put in the freezer in the garage. ( then not than, but you might want to say: cauldron and then get the blood...)
"I guess I failed you Lance, I will find a way to get you justice, I will always love you." Susie hopes Lance can hear he (She's talking to her dead husband...I'll in both places)
"Baby you did a wonderful thing, for me, for us," (Baby needs a comma)
Comment Written 16-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2018
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Okay I will look at it. Thank you Will look at all your comments and fix them. Thank you so much for your feedback and your rating.
