Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 99 "Chapter Dreissig Part zwei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
18 total reviews
Comment from Kelly Hanna
This looks like a good storyline. I enjoyed the characters. Drew and Shana have a ways to go, considering she is so innocent and he and his mother seem not to be. Shana being Jewish is an interesting plot, because this can create restrictions in a relationship if the other is of a different religion. A great job on this write. The storyline seems to be headed to a good place. Well written too, as there were no errors. Good job!
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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This looks like a good storyline. I enjoyed the characters. Drew and Shana have a ways to go, considering she is so innocent and he and his mother seem not to be. Shana being Jewish is an interesting plot, because this can create restrictions in a relationship if the other is of a different religion. A great job on this write. The storyline seems to be headed to a good place. Well written too, as there were no errors. Good job!
Comment Written 18-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from barkingdog
No TV in her father's house? Really old school, strict and limited which explains Shauna's naivete.
Will Drew ever wear her down?
You have your own soap opera going here. Who needs TV?
:) ellen
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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No TV in her father's house? Really old school, strict and limited which explains Shauna's naivete.
Will Drew ever wear her down?
You have your own soap opera going here. Who needs TV?
:) ellen
Comment Written 18-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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LOL Thank you for the generous review.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Another sort of holding instalment here, although it does help to give an insight in Shana's upbringing and character a little.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2018
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Hi there,
Another sort of holding instalment here, although it does help to give an insight in Shana's upbringing and character a little.
All the best
G
Comment Written 16-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2018
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We will be getting more small glimpses of Shana's upbringing and then it all hits the proverbial fan. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from apky
Apart from the comments below, some of which might probably make you come after me with a club, I enjoyed the progress of this story. And one more thing (to lub me for) is, I think you should be careful not to overdo the Jewish card. It could get to the point where (like I did) the reader begins to roll their eyes at the ceiling while reading the book.
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Anderson peeked up from his computer and saw Shana standing there. ~ Barbara, could you do omething with the "there"? It's too weak to use in this context. And please get Shana to react to Drew's question. Even an insecure "Um..." would do the job. She can't simply stand there then let herself be taken by the hand and led to a seat. I know this will sound hush to your writer's soul - it would to mine too - but I so like your story and I want it to be the best you can write. I'd not be much help to you if I turned into the sort of stuff that pass for "reviews" on this site.
Jeff started to walk in. ~ Is the door to the room open to allow Jess to step in without a knock or some voice clearing?
Okay, I may have a few(feelings are innumerable, i.e. manifold, multitudinous, multifarious, incalculable, beyond number. Like the word Money. So you can't count FEELINGS but you can count FACETS of feelings. I'd suggest you use "some" instead of "a few") feelings for you
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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Apart from the comments below, some of which might probably make you come after me with a club, I enjoyed the progress of this story. And one more thing (to lub me for) is, I think you should be careful not to overdo the Jewish card. It could get to the point where (like I did) the reader begins to roll their eyes at the ceiling while reading the book.
======
Anderson peeked up from his computer and saw Shana standing there. ~ Barbara, could you do omething with the "there"? It's too weak to use in this context. And please get Shana to react to Drew's question. Even an insecure "Um..." would do the job. She can't simply stand there then let herself be taken by the hand and led to a seat. I know this will sound hush to your writer's soul - it would to mine too - but I so like your story and I want it to be the best you can write. I'd not be much help to you if I turned into the sort of stuff that pass for "reviews" on this site.
Jeff started to walk in. ~ Is the door to the room open to allow Jess to step in without a knock or some voice clearing?
Okay, I may have a few(feelings are innumerable, i.e. manifold, multitudinous, multifarious, incalculable, beyond number. Like the word Money. So you can't count FEELINGS but you can count FACETS of feelings. I'd suggest you use "some" instead of "a few") feelings for you
Comment Written 16-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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Sorry for the late reply but I needed to wait until I had time to make the corrections and think about your comments. First I need to play the Jewish card over and over again because that's essential to who Shana is. She is and OLD-FASHIONED ORTHODOX JEW. It's who she is. I have known quiet a few Jewish people in my life, some were exactly like us. Other than them stating they were Jewish one would not know it, then there's the other who being Jewish defines them. Shana CANNOT ignore her upbringing. I have rewritten parts of this post. Thank you for the suggestions. I appreciate them.
Comment from kiwisteveh
Hi, Barbara. A rare visit to your book for me - I should pop in more often, but I really haven't been reviewing much this year.
I am a little lost joining the story in the middle and I don't have time to go back and read the beginning, so I can only comment on what I see here and pick up from your helpful notes. Perhaps a fresh eye will be helpful.
This section flows quite well and is error-free as far as I can tell. In particular, you handle the difficult task of writing dialogue really well, without annoying repetitious speech tags.
Since I don't know the story, I can't really say whether the dialogue here is convincing. Drew comes across as a little bumptious. Maybe that's the prerogative of billionaires. And Shana certainly seems painfully innocent/naive. Can you get to be a Lit teacher and still be like that? Although she does stand up to his flirting reasonably well.
Congratulations on getting your previous novel published. I suspect you learnt a lot from writing that one and your improved skills are showing here.
Steve
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2018
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Hi, Barbara. A rare visit to your book for me - I should pop in more often, but I really haven't been reviewing much this year.
I am a little lost joining the story in the middle and I don't have time to go back and read the beginning, so I can only comment on what I see here and pick up from your helpful notes. Perhaps a fresh eye will be helpful.
This section flows quite well and is error-free as far as I can tell. In particular, you handle the difficult task of writing dialogue really well, without annoying repetitious speech tags.
Since I don't know the story, I can't really say whether the dialogue here is convincing. Drew comes across as a little bumptious. Maybe that's the prerogative of billionaires. And Shana certainly seems painfully innocent/naive. Can you get to be a Lit teacher and still be like that? Although she does stand up to his flirting reasonably well.
Congratulations on getting your previous novel published. I suspect you learnt a lot from writing that one and your improved skills are showing here.
Steve
Comment Written 16-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2018
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Thank you for the kind review. Yes, Drew is used to getting his own way, and Shana is extremely sheltered and old fashioned.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Barbara,
I truly believe Shana's parents only want the best for her, and she has done an admirable job of keeping her feelings in check.
How will her father feel when he realizes Drew has captured Shana's heart.
Looking forward to more,
MP
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2018
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Hi, Barbara,
I truly believe Shana's parents only want the best for her, and she has done an admirable job of keeping her feelings in check.
How will her father feel when he realizes Drew has captured Shana's heart.
Looking forward to more,
MP
Comment Written 15-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2018
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We'll have to wait and see. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from tfawcus
I like the way you have broken the dialogue in this with tags showing the characters' physical responses, to animate the conversation. The relationship between Shana and Anderson comes across strongly in this chapter.
Just a couple of minor points. The first one is a classic case of a phrase being too fat separated from its antecedent! It reads as if the cuckoo clock is doing the grinning! "He tilted his head as the cuckoo clock struck eleven o'clock and grinned.
["He tilted his head and grinned as the cuckoo clock struck eleven o'clock"]
"It can't happen, so then you'll be heart broken." [Here, I think 'heartbroken' is usually written as one word]
I particularly enjoyed this chapter and am looking forward to what happens next.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2018
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I like the way you have broken the dialogue in this with tags showing the characters' physical responses, to animate the conversation. The relationship between Shana and Anderson comes across strongly in this chapter.
Just a couple of minor points. The first one is a classic case of a phrase being too fat separated from its antecedent! It reads as if the cuckoo clock is doing the grinning! "He tilted his head as the cuckoo clock struck eleven o'clock and grinned.
["He tilted his head and grinned as the cuckoo clock struck eleven o'clock"]
"It can't happen, so then you'll be heart broken." [Here, I think 'heartbroken' is usually written as one word]
I particularly enjoyed this chapter and am looking forward to what happens next.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2018
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I have made those corrections. I can't believe I used heartbroken once and then heart broken the second time. Thank you for the help.
Comment from Ulla
In a sense it's really sad. Shana has been brought up so strictly, that she's a novice to real life. I've come across orthodox Jews, but, honestly, It's never been like this. I feel frustrated. All the best. Ulla::)))
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2018
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In a sense it's really sad. Shana has been brought up so strictly, that she's a novice to real life. I've come across orthodox Jews, but, honestly, It's never been like this. I feel frustrated. All the best. Ulla::)))
Comment Written 15-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2018
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I've met one and one of my reviewers have said they were raised in a very strict Jewish home and have stated, I'm right on.
Comment from Sasha
I enjoyed this chapter very much. Shana has lived a sheltered life and now that Drew is a part of it she has a lot to deal with. But I have no doubt she will come around even if it takes longer than Drew would like.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2018
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I enjoyed this chapter very much. Shana has lived a sheltered life and now that Drew is a part of it she has a lot to deal with. But I have no doubt she will come around even if it takes longer than Drew would like.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2018
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Thank you for the kind review. I think Drew will be patient.
Comment from SLMorrical
A very well written chapter. I think the picture adds to it. This definitely flows with the last chapter. You are a wonderful writer. I enjoy reading what you write. Once again well done.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2018
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A very well written chapter. I think the picture adds to it. This definitely flows with the last chapter. You are a wonderful writer. I enjoy reading what you write. Once again well done.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2018
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Thank you for the generous review.
