Death by Delivery
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 " Failed Plans"Nick takes down criminals that cost him his job.
9 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Good continuation. It struck me though as to what age Nick would be as he seems to act and be treated very young for someone who has already been a police officer.
You shift perspectives back and forth in the opening section with Nick & Tony. watch out for that.
I'd tried to explain it, but I doubt if a pea brain like you would understand." - I'd try to may fit better here.
"According to the baby's DNA, she's not related to anyone in our system." - when did they get DNA tests done? They certainly wouldn't be back from the previous evening by first thing in the morning.
"Hospitals stores newborn's DNA?" - just store.
"Isn't that's against our constitutional rights?" - just that.
about the blond-haired blue-eyed - generally it's blonde for female and blond for male.
Ten, twelve a couple dozen? Excited- insert another comma after twelve.
It'd have to be somewhere where they wouldn't look - you could delete 'where' from here and the sentence would still work.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2018
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Hi there,
Good continuation. It struck me though as to what age Nick would be as he seems to act and be treated very young for someone who has already been a police officer.
You shift perspectives back and forth in the opening section with Nick & Tony. watch out for that.
I'd tried to explain it, but I doubt if a pea brain like you would understand." - I'd try to may fit better here.
"According to the baby's DNA, she's not related to anyone in our system." - when did they get DNA tests done? They certainly wouldn't be back from the previous evening by first thing in the morning.
"Hospitals stores newborn's DNA?" - just store.
"Isn't that's against our constitutional rights?" - just that.
about the blond-haired blue-eyed - generally it's blonde for female and blond for male.
Ten, twelve a couple dozen? Excited- insert another comma after twelve.
It'd have to be somewhere where they wouldn't look - you could delete 'where' from here and the sentence would still work.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much for reading my story and for all your help. I know I say this a lot but I truly mean it. Your help is always greatly appreciated, take care.
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Thank you so much for reading my story and for all your help. I know I say this a lot but I truly mean it. Your help is always greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Oh dear, it looks like Nick maybe caught, but I doubt it. It's much too soon. =} Glad the baby was okay and all the guys. Looking forward to the next chapter. =} Rox
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2018
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Oh dear, it looks like Nick maybe caught, but I doubt it. It's much too soon. =} Glad the baby was okay and all the guys. Looking forward to the next chapter. =} Rox
Comment Written 15-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much for your kind review. I'm glad you're enjoying the story. It is kind of early, but then again someone could take Nick's place,
Thank you again for all your help support it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from apky
Best of all for me in this chapter was learning about baby's DNA being kept by hospitals. I didn't know that. And as you know from my own writing, I love books that both entertain me and also give me something worthwhile which I didn't know before. Entertainment and fresh knowledge, I believe, should be able to go together without spoiling the read.
So, brilliant once again. No more sixes today, and I don't know if I'll be able to change the five to a six tomorrow - Tom seems to block when it comes to a sixer. It normally works with changing less than five stars to a five, but blocks changing a five to a six - crazy.
The important thing is that your chapter is brilliangt, friend.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2018
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Best of all for me in this chapter was learning about baby's DNA being kept by hospitals. I didn't know that. And as you know from my own writing, I love books that both entertain me and also give me something worthwhile which I didn't know before. Entertainment and fresh knowledge, I believe, should be able to go together without spoiling the read.
So, brilliant once again. No more sixes today, and I don't know if I'll be able to change the five to a six tomorrow - Tom seems to block when it comes to a sixer. It normally works with changing less than five stars to a five, but blocks changing a five to a six - crazy.
The important thing is that your chapter is brilliangt, friend.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2018
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Thank you again for your fabulous review, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I don't know about Germany, but here in the US, they store the baby's DNA claiming it'll help ID victims, locate missing children. I can see both pros and cons in that. Especially since it is possible to manufacture DNA. Framing someone is getting easier.
Hey did you catch Law and order last week? It starts out as a pizza delivery guy is a suspect. The rest was different from what I have, but still, it's a strange coincidence, don't you think? That's like the third time that's happened, now. I'd like to think that's a sign, an omen of sorts. Ok, so maybe I'm wishfully thinking. It would be wonderful if Dick Wolf directed one of my stories.
Thank you again for all your help, support and encouragement, it means so much to me, take care.
I'm afraid I don't watch Law & Order, but I'm sure it's a good omen.
Have a grand weekend, my friend.
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You have a great weekend too.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Can't he hide the heroin under the floor mat? Besides, he's on his way to work. Why would the cops be stopping him? I must have missed a chapter when I was sick. I'll have to go back and find out what his "weapon" was.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2018
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Can't he hide the heroin under the floor mat? Besides, he's on his way to work. Why would the cops be stopping him? I must have missed a chapter when I was sick. I'll have to go back and find out what his "weapon" was.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2018
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Thank you for your kind review. Being an ex-cop he was trying to find a place where they wouldn't look if they did search the vehicle. I better add that. Boy, you're clever, asking questions to make me think about it, realize it's a mistake. Have you been doing this all along? You'll find out why he's being stopped in the next chapter, otherwise, it'll spoil everything. The object is a pen-shaped device, I referred to it once as such in chapter one. I'll add that in this chapter too. You sure are sneaky, lol.
Thank you again for your great review and very subtle suggestions. Your help, support, and friendship are always greatly appreciated, take care.
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So this is what I've added. Please let me know if it helps.
I could hide it. It'd have to be somewhere where they wouldn't look. He thinks back to his cop days and all the places he used to search.
I shouldn't have burned rubber the way I did.
He turns to see Tony holding a long, thin shaped devise in his hand. I'm glad I emptied it on the last customer, Nick thinks, watching Tony mull over his death gadget lying in his hand.
Thanks again for all your help, take care.
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Exactly what is that death gadget?
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Is it a pen that injects a drug?
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Yes, I put that in chapter one, but since I'm reintroducing it I better add it to chapter 3, right? So this is how it reads now. Is it clearer? better, worse?
I'm glad I emptied the heroin into the last customer. If my death gadget did kill him... No, I'd rather him go down with Diaz than die, Nick thinks.
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Oh, so the heroin is NOT in the car now. Makes it easier.
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It was empty but he reloaded it when he got home.
He grabbed his keys and loaded device off the table. (The beginning of the last part)
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I think I get it now. That's how he's killing them, by making it look like an overdose. Clever.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Misty my goodness you have exciting things going on in this chapter about Nick being an ex-cop determined to take down Diaz and his crew. And not knowing who the parents of the baby girl found that was hidden in bunch of rubbish
Misty dawn take a look at this part--
Take cover," Jerry warns. The tree branch lands with such force that it causes the remaining roof to collapse on top of him and his two detectives.
I wonder if haven't been keeping up reading your chapters, understand of how and where
he incident of the roof caving in.
Gert
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
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Misty my goodness you have exciting things going on in this chapter about Nick being an ex-cop determined to take down Diaz and his crew. And not knowing who the parents of the baby girl found that was hidden in bunch of rubbish
Misty dawn take a look at this part--
Take cover," Jerry warns. The tree branch lands with such force that it causes the remaining roof to collapse on top of him and his two detectives.
I wonder if haven't been keeping up reading your chapters, understand of how and where
he incident of the roof caving in.
Gert
Comment Written 12-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
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Thank you again for your continued support. I really do appreciate it.
You've probably read so many stories that you've forgotten. In chapter 1 I wrote: The rundown shack is overtaken by weeds, trees, and vines. The roof is caved in and the porch is rotting on the ground.
I followed this up in the last chapter with:
"Rachel, no, stop, " Jerry yells. Ignoring him, she continues towards the baby, crying at the back of the shack. The abrupt disturbance causes birds to scatter from the rooftop. Their sudden shift sends rotten timber through the gaping hole; dried foliage plummets through soon after. Rachel yelps as she sidesteps around the debris.
"Stop, it's too dangerous," the sergeant yells.
She glances at her partners and then at the room; The baby's wails have intensified to blaring shrills. "I have to save her."
Hearing something crack above him, Jerry looks up. He sees a dead tree branch heading their way. "Take cover," he yells, dropping to the floor. The limb falls with such force that it causes the remaining roof to collapse on top of them.
You probably just forgot, have a lot on your mind read a lot of stories.
Thank you again for all your help, support, friendship. It truly means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from country ranch writer
Unwell this isn't going to go well for him looks like his luck may have just run out. With the cops pulling him to the curb this could go very badly. Good luck.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
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Unwell this isn't going to go well for him looks like his luck may have just run out. With the cops pulling him to the curb this could go very badly. Good luck.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
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Thank you for reading my chapter. You're right, things could get very hairy for Nick, with all the drugs on him and in the car. Is it the end? The answer will be posted in four days, hope to see you there.
Thank you again for all your support, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from royowen
Our hero gets himself from dire consequences concerning Tony, a huge guy who could take him apart. But dumbing down, work, to his amazement. The baby girl rescued, bears no DNA resemblance to anyone on their files. Later Nick seems to be pulled over by a patrol car toting heroine, will he et away? Well done, blessings, Roy
Typo Make Nick shutter even more. Shudder?
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
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Our hero gets himself from dire consequences concerning Tony, a huge guy who could take him apart. But dumbing down, work, to his amazement. The baby girl rescued, bears no DNA resemblance to anyone on their files. Later Nick seems to be pulled over by a patrol car toting heroine, will he et away? Well done, blessings, Roy
Typo Make Nick shutter even more. Shudder?
Comment Written 12-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
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Thank you for your great review and for catching my mistake. It would be hard for him to shutter I suppose, lol. Thank you again for your wonderful review and all your help, support, and friendship, it means a lot to me, take care.
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Most welcome
Comment from Ulla
Hi Misty, a lot is going on here, and Nick seems to be a bit frantic. It's very well paced, but it is also very telling. I would love to see a bit more showing. Show how they feel and why they react as they do. Use the five senses. I hope it makes sense. I like the story, as you know. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
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Hi Misty, a lot is going on here, and Nick seems to be a bit frantic. It's very well paced, but it is also very telling. I would love to see a bit more showing. Show how they feel and why they react as they do. Use the five senses. I hope it makes sense. I like the story, as you know. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 12-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much for your kind review and your helpful suggestion. I will look at it again, see what I can do.
Thank you again for all your help and support, take care.
Comment from Rickie1
Misty
I think this is my first read of one of your chapters. Interesting events, classic detective novel? I can't wait to see how it unfolds. Nick has several problems.
Rickie
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
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Misty
I think this is my first read of one of your chapters. Interesting events, classic detective novel? I can't wait to see how it unfolds. Nick has several problems.
Rickie
Comment Written 12-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
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Thank you for reading my chapter, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I mostly write detective novels with a little romance, or horror thrown in on occasion. Nick gets himself out of one situation to find himself in another. The murderous vigilant never gets a break.
Thank you again for your kind review. Hope to hear from you again, take care.
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I just realized I didn't add the summary. It'd probably help you understand what's going on a little more.
Summary
After being fired from the police force, Nick decides to take down the crime ring that made him lose it all.
In Chapter 1, Nick won the drug lord, Diaz's trust and killed seven addicts. Meanwhile, the Berryville PD is trying to figure out why there are so many OD's. They're investigating the latest crime scene.
