The French Letter
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Alain Gaudin"A Novel
30 total reviews
Comment from estory
This chapter has an eerie feel to it, the mysterious Alain is obviously put off by the letter, and the perception of his grandmother and her dubious background. He also has a mysterious connection to the men following Helen and Charles. The romantic background landscape, with its roses and sidewalk cafes, its wine and steak, is unsettled by all this swirling mystery and intrigue going around in it. It kind of speaks of the complication of moods, the jarring juxtapositions of life. This was more interesting, and a step maybe in the right direction for resolving all the loose ends in this story, but you still have plenty of work to do in that regard. The dialogue was emotional, well rendered. The scene setting was well done, with plenty of detailed descriptions. estory
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
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This chapter has an eerie feel to it, the mysterious Alain is obviously put off by the letter, and the perception of his grandmother and her dubious background. He also has a mysterious connection to the men following Helen and Charles. The romantic background landscape, with its roses and sidewalk cafes, its wine and steak, is unsettled by all this swirling mystery and intrigue going around in it. It kind of speaks of the complication of moods, the jarring juxtapositions of life. This was more interesting, and a step maybe in the right direction for resolving all the loose ends in this story, but you still have plenty of work to do in that regard. The dialogue was emotional, well rendered. The scene setting was well done, with plenty of detailed descriptions. estory
Comment Written 10-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
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Thanks, estory. I appreciate your positive comments about this chapter. All the best, Tony
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I enjoyed reading this chapter, Tony. I am glad they finally found someone who could provide some info. But, he gave them very little. I am surprised he took the letter and kept it. Those 2 characters hanging around and/or following Helen and Charles are nothing and will only bring more trouble. Thanks for sharing. Jan
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
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I enjoyed reading this chapter, Tony. I am glad they finally found someone who could provide some info. But, he gave them very little. I am surprised he took the letter and kept it. Those 2 characters hanging around and/or following Helen and Charles are nothing and will only bring more trouble. Thanks for sharing. Jan
Comment Written 10-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
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Thanks for your review and comments, Jan. Appreciated. All the best, Tony
Comment from Marie Werner
I love the ending line "I suspect those poor roses are in for a hard time..." Great dialogue that illustrates someone's mood. The description of the garden is also very good and really helps to set the stage well.
There was one simlie that was a bit jarring during my both read-throughs, "sharply as a pin through a beetle." I think sharply would have done just as well here - its just such a vivid picture it pulled me out of the narrative briefly. But maybe the character is into bug collecting and I have missed that info in a previous chapter. :) If so, I apologize.
Its a really well-crafted story, thanks so much for posting and have a good day!
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
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I love the ending line "I suspect those poor roses are in for a hard time..." Great dialogue that illustrates someone's mood. The description of the garden is also very good and really helps to set the stage well.
There was one simlie that was a bit jarring during my both read-throughs, "sharply as a pin through a beetle." I think sharply would have done just as well here - its just such a vivid picture it pulled me out of the narrative briefly. But maybe the character is into bug collecting and I have missed that info in a previous chapter. :) If so, I apologize.
Its a really well-crafted story, thanks so much for posting and have a good day!
Comment Written 10-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
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Many thanks for your review and comments, Marie. That particular simile didn't come out quite the way I intended. I've now edited it to: "his eyes bored through me like a pin through a beetle."
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Hey, I just read it again and I think that sounds great! Have a good day. :)
Comment from kiwijenny
I just wonder where this is going...thanks for the entertaining story you are weaving.
I like Alain...I like we have a new person...Colonel Neville Arnoux..
But all this for an envelope...at least we know Alain has the letter for it
God bless
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
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I just wonder where this is going...thanks for the entertaining story you are weaving.
I like Alain...I like we have a new person...Colonel Neville Arnoux..
But all this for an envelope...at least we know Alain has the letter for it
God bless
Comment Written 10-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
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Thanks, Jenny. Glad you're still finding it entertaining. I think I know where it's going, but not quite sure how I'm going to get there yet!
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I wrote a novel .for nanowrimo .it was truly awful...I stuck my heroine free falling in the air for two weeks. It wrecked havoc on her skin and hair...lol
But then I wrote the ending and it gave me somewhere to aim for with each chapter.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Tony, the mystery is even more mysterious after this encounter with the rather aggressive demeanor of Alain. Yeah, not only is he reluctant to talk, but I would also say that he's hiding something and possibly afraid. So back to Paris and then what? Will the two men follow? I'll have to wait and see. Great chapter and well paced. I enjoy this story. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
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Hi Tony, the mystery is even more mysterious after this encounter with the rather aggressive demeanor of Alain. Yeah, not only is he reluctant to talk, but I would also say that he's hiding something and possibly afraid. So back to Paris and then what? Will the two men follow? I'll have to wait and see. Great chapter and well paced. I enjoy this story. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 10-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
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Thanks, Ulla. Glad you're still finding it interesting. I think I know where it's going, but not quite sure how I'm going to get there yet!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
At last making some headway with the finding of the grandson. Helen is a terrible flirt... lol Good stuff here again.
The ominous men, stalking Helen?
It overlooked an herbaceous - it may need to be 'a' here rather than 'an'.
He drained his glass without comment, then eyed me, as sharply as a pin through a beetle. -this is probably just me but this made me pause to figure it out.
I think you have a tendency to rely a little on adverbs in this instalment. they sort of stuck out for me.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
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Hi there,
At last making some headway with the finding of the grandson. Helen is a terrible flirt... lol Good stuff here again.
The ominous men, stalking Helen?
It overlooked an herbaceous - it may need to be 'a' here rather than 'an'.
He drained his glass without comment, then eyed me, as sharply as a pin through a beetle. -this is probably just me but this made me pause to figure it out.
I think you have a tendency to rely a little on adverbs in this instalment. they sort of stuck out for me.
All the best
G
Comment Written 10-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
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Thanks, G. I used 'an herbaceous' as a nod to the French derivation - and the American pronunciation - but you're right - the 'h' is pronounced in British English and I should probably change it to 'a'.
Thanks for the observation about adverbs. I'll go through the chapter again and cull a few - replacing them with stronger verbs where appropriate.
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You were right about the adverbs. Twenty one of them. I've managed to cut that number in half.
Comment from J Patience
This tale takes on a familiar gait, matching the quick forward momentum of the Nancy Drew books I read as a girl. I have the fleeting, minimal necessary picture in my head of what is going on, and information is brought forth quickly. The detail of place is highlighted so I can put the people in the right setting. I only had the one hiccup about who was talking, and otherwise enjoyed the read.
This is what I noticed:
"To compliment you on your fine work, of course,.." Since she wasn't the first to address Alain, I didn't know this was Helen talking until the very end. If "Helen smiled..." was put after "of course," the reader would not be misled, thinking Helen's partner was still talking.
Nessa
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
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This tale takes on a familiar gait, matching the quick forward momentum of the Nancy Drew books I read as a girl. I have the fleeting, minimal necessary picture in my head of what is going on, and information is brought forth quickly. The detail of place is highlighted so I can put the people in the right setting. I only had the one hiccup about who was talking, and otherwise enjoyed the read.
This is what I noticed:
"To compliment you on your fine work, of course,.." Since she wasn't the first to address Alain, I didn't know this was Helen talking until the very end. If "Helen smiled..." was put after "of course," the reader would not be misled, thinking Helen's partner was still talking.
Nessa
Comment Written 10-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
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Very many thanks for taking the time to read this, Nessa. Much appreciated. That is a valid point about Helen's dialogue. Your suggestion is a great improvement and I have implemented it. Thank you, too, for your comments about the momentum and the detail - it's sometimes difficult to find the right balance between them. All the best, Tony
Comment from royowen
Alain Gaudin seems to be most upset, at a a letter which Charles gave to look at, and after being shouted a steak sandwhich and wine, storms off, letter in Hand, because he said the letter belongs to he grandma, who had some interesting occupations, including mistess. A very neat write Tony, good characters, interesting age difference, great plot, with both protagonists doing their occupations, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2018
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Alain Gaudin seems to be most upset, at a a letter which Charles gave to look at, and after being shouted a steak sandwhich and wine, storms off, letter in Hand, because he said the letter belongs to he grandma, who had some interesting occupations, including mistess. A very neat write Tony, good characters, interesting age difference, great plot, with both protagonists doing their occupations, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 10-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2018
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Thanks, Roy. I appreciate your encouraging comments. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Lady Jane
as she swept her hair back from her face. - I would use the word 'the' in place of her so as not to be repetitive in one sentence here :)
as she swept the hair back from her face. - it implies it's hers :)
I 'prised' the fragile paper from his hand - did you mean 'pried' here?
Wow. Another well penned installment, dear. I found no errors, just two suggestions, if you will. I really appreciate your writing. It's clean and concise. The dialogue is meticulous and well spun. The imagery written within the confines of this piece is also well defined. I almost felt like I was in the garden with them, at the bistro, in the street. That's the mark of a talented writer. I'm enjoying this story. Thanks for sharing this with us...
Janelle
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reply by the author on 10-Oct-2018
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as she swept her hair back from her face. - I would use the word 'the' in place of her so as not to be repetitive in one sentence here :)
as she swept the hair back from her face. - it implies it's hers :)
I 'prised' the fragile paper from his hand - did you mean 'pried' here?
Wow. Another well penned installment, dear. I found no errors, just two suggestions, if you will. I really appreciate your writing. It's clean and concise. The dialogue is meticulous and well spun. The imagery written within the confines of this piece is also well defined. I almost felt like I was in the garden with them, at the bistro, in the street. That's the mark of a talented writer. I'm enjoying this story. Thanks for sharing this with us...
Janelle
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2018
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Thanks, Janelle. You're absolutely right about the her/her repetition. I've changed it in accordance with your suggestion.
Yes, I did mean 'prise' [obtain something from (someone) with effort or difficulty.]
I appreciate your comments and support. Best wishes, Tony
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I wasn't sure if you meant to pry, or prise so I asked, LOL :) I could see her prying it from his hands ... I would have. hehe
thanks so much for the clarification.
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I guess that 'pried' would have done just as well here. The words are virtually synonymous, though I think 'prised' suggests slightly more force needed!
Comment from lyenochka
Oh no! He stole the letter. But I guess it was part of his family history. What a gruff guy. You did a great job with his characterization. And enjoyed all the flower and bird references.
a trivial point:
"Yes - but " (the opening quote was missing in the text)
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2018
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Oh no! He stole the letter. But I guess it was part of his family history. What a gruff guy. You did a great job with his characterization. And enjoyed all the flower and bird references.
a trivial point:
"Yes - but " (the opening quote was missing in the text)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2018
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Thanks, Helen! I must have spotted that at the same time as you! It's fixed now. I appreciate your sharp eye.
