Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Lance's Funeral"A wife gets revenge for her husbands death
7 total reviews
Comment from meeshu
O>k> I've now decided, that is the funeral I want to have. it is interesting that anyone stayed after that stunt. perhaps they are just a little nervous. great piece of writing, SL. I 'll look for more.........................meeshu
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2019
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O>k> I've now decided, that is the funeral I want to have. it is interesting that anyone stayed after that stunt. perhaps they are just a little nervous. great piece of writing, SL. I 'll look for more.........................meeshu
Comment Written 18-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2019
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Thank you for the review and the rating. The idea of the funeral was actually from my husband he told me about wanting that for a funnel, so I stole it, with his permission of cours. Thanks for reading. Thanks again for the review and the rating.
Comment from Rob Caudle
Ok it looks like Barb and others gave you great feedback on this piece so I wont go back into it. I will say I love the work you doing and you attitude about getting it right. So now the spell will be cast looking forward to the twist and turns your tale will take us on.
Rob
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2019
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Ok it looks like Barb and others gave you great feedback on this piece so I wont go back into it. I will say I love the work you doing and you attitude about getting it right. So now the spell will be cast looking forward to the twist and turns your tale will take us on.
Rob
Comment Written 18-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2019
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Thank you for the review and the rating. Thank you for the wonderful words of encouragement for me to continue. Thank you for reading.
Comment from country ranch writer
Well this is going to be a real humdinger of a funeral her and they will get justice for this turn of events on the liars that attended.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2019
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Well this is going to be a real humdinger of a funeral her and they will get justice for this turn of events on the liars that attended.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2019
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Thank you for Your review and rating. I am glad you like the chapter.Thank you for reading.
Comment from TheStoryMan
This is a good chapter. It is also very sad. A couple of minor issues...Susie sits in tears as she listens to every say should be everyone say, distortion sense of humor do you mean distorted sense of humor? Otherwise a great chapter. I hope Susie doesn't regret performing that spell when she does it.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2019
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This is a good chapter. It is also very sad. A couple of minor issues...Susie sits in tears as she listens to every say should be everyone say, distortion sense of humor do you mean distorted sense of humor? Otherwise a great chapter. I hope Susie doesn't regret performing that spell when she does it.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2019
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Thanks for the review and the rating. I appreciate the input and I will make the corrections. Thanks for reading. i appreciate you pointing out the mistakes. I don't want to do a spoiler alert, but I will say not at first.
Comment from Rhonda Skinner
Thank goodness I've never seen that at a funeral:) I enjoy following this story. Writing it in present tense puts the reader right there with the characters. I spotted a couple things. Where Susie sits in tears as she listens to every (everyone) say something. And I think you meant he had a distorted (not distortion) sense of humour. I look forward to seeing how the spell works.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2019
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Thank goodness I've never seen that at a funeral:) I enjoy following this story. Writing it in present tense puts the reader right there with the characters. I spotted a couple things. Where Susie sits in tears as she listens to every (everyone) say something. And I think you meant he had a distorted (not distortion) sense of humour. I look forward to seeing how the spell works.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2019
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Thanks for the review and the rating. I appreciate you pointing out those two mistakes and I will fix them. Thank you for reading.
Comment from Anntonette
I'll definitely read your story "Redemption" cannot wait for the next chapter and how it is going to play out. Is susie planning on committing murder to get justice for lance? We must find out in the next chapter!
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2018
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I'll definitely read your story "Redemption" cannot wait for the next chapter and how it is going to play out. Is susie planning on committing murder to get justice for lance? We must find out in the next chapter!
Comment Written 06-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much for the kind feedback and rating. I wouldn't want to give anything away. I like to write with twist and turns. I am starting the next chapter today. Thank you again and the chapter should be up in a week or two depending on time and the mind.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I enjoy the story line. I can't wait to see what Susie has planned. You do need to pay attention to your editing.
In the first paragraph you switched back and forth between present and past tense. I understand your thinking but you NEED to remain in one tense. You can get by with it in dialogue but no place else.
"I am doing just fine, but I do miss him. (I'm, it's dialogue.)
Susie's eyes start to fill with tears as she walks up to Lance's coffin and speak the eulogy. (to speak the eulogy or to give the eulogy)
"Well he did succeed in that, and it wasn't funny at all." Tommy Emerson said to Susie as he was trying to catch his breath. (comma after all, it's dialogue)
"This is just like Lance, and his morbid thinking." Tony Sand said angrily.
"I knew it wasn't real. I figured Lance had planned it somehow." Matt Miller said with fake bravery. (both dialogue, comma after thinking and after somehow)
"Lance work with us at Motorcycle City, he was a great asset to our sales team. He was a work when he had his heart attack and we are really sorry for your loss Susie. We will miss him at Motorcycle City and so will his customers." (TRY-Lance worked with us at Motorcycle City. He was a great asset to our sales team. He was AT work when he had his heart attack. We are really sorry for your loss, Susie. We'll miss him and so will his customers.)
Tony looks over at Susie, and she says thank you, but what she really wants to do was yell out "You killed him, all of you." She sits and listens to continual lies of how they were grateful of his work on the Internet, and his dedication to his costumers. The lies continue as each one of the salesmen get up say how they will miss his warp sense of humor. (you need a new paragraph.)
Yeah you're sorry alright, but just wait and see how sorry you're going to be. My husband deserves payback and I will find a way for him to get it. (comma needed after Yeah & My husband deserves A paycheck)
"Girls it is getting close to giving your daddy his revenge and his peace." (comma after Girls & it's)
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2018
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I enjoy the story line. I can't wait to see what Susie has planned. You do need to pay attention to your editing.
In the first paragraph you switched back and forth between present and past tense. I understand your thinking but you NEED to remain in one tense. You can get by with it in dialogue but no place else.
"I am doing just fine, but I do miss him. (I'm, it's dialogue.)
Susie's eyes start to fill with tears as she walks up to Lance's coffin and speak the eulogy. (to speak the eulogy or to give the eulogy)
"Well he did succeed in that, and it wasn't funny at all." Tommy Emerson said to Susie as he was trying to catch his breath. (comma after all, it's dialogue)
"This is just like Lance, and his morbid thinking." Tony Sand said angrily.
"I knew it wasn't real. I figured Lance had planned it somehow." Matt Miller said with fake bravery. (both dialogue, comma after thinking and after somehow)
"Lance work with us at Motorcycle City, he was a great asset to our sales team. He was a work when he had his heart attack and we are really sorry for your loss Susie. We will miss him at Motorcycle City and so will his customers." (TRY-Lance worked with us at Motorcycle City. He was a great asset to our sales team. He was AT work when he had his heart attack. We are really sorry for your loss, Susie. We'll miss him and so will his customers.)
Tony looks over at Susie, and she says thank you, but what she really wants to do was yell out "You killed him, all of you." She sits and listens to continual lies of how they were grateful of his work on the Internet, and his dedication to his costumers. The lies continue as each one of the salesmen get up say how they will miss his warp sense of humor. (you need a new paragraph.)
Yeah you're sorry alright, but just wait and see how sorry you're going to be. My husband deserves payback and I will find a way for him to get it. (comma needed after Yeah & My husband deserves A paycheck)
"Girls it is getting close to giving your daddy his revenge and his peace." (comma after Girls & it's)
Comment Written 06-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2018
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I really enjoy getting feedback from you and I seem to make the same mistakes when I'm writing. I also write and think and I do speak I am instead of I'm so that might be why I do that. Thank you for you feedback and reading my story.
