Vampire love... forever.
for the contest: The green house in the swamp4 total reviews
Comment from K. R. Ward
The imagination in this piece was quite scary and unique. I just wish there had been a flashback to show how Susan convinced Carrie to go to the swamp late at night. This scene would've easily explained that Carrie was mentally slow (using the word retarded is no longer pc) and was being bullied by her classmates. Great job! It reminded me of a grimms fairy tale with everyone getting their just desserts!
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2018
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The imagination in this piece was quite scary and unique. I just wish there had been a flashback to show how Susan convinced Carrie to go to the swamp late at night. This scene would've easily explained that Carrie was mentally slow (using the word retarded is no longer pc) and was being bullied by her classmates. Great job! It reminded me of a grimms fairy tale with everyone getting their just desserts!
Comment Written 29-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2018
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To see the woman about a love spell which she could only get at night...I do believe it was implied...
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Oh, well yes, that part was implied. I followed the story without confusion. I was just saying that I would have liked to have been shown the moment at when Susan walked up to Carrie and convinced her to go.
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Oh, I see...
Comment from nor84
I thought you might appreciate a slight critique. Most of the time, there are only two characters in these scenes. You want your reader to be living the scene is one of the characters, so you don't need to put a speech tag after every line of dialogue. Once set up the scene showing both characters and identify the first speaker, either with the speech tag or an action, you don't need to keep tagging every line. Example:
"My deary lets not worry over Susan. You might say she offered to help me start a new plant...of the human variety you might say."
As written: "Okay," Replied Carrie. "What do I owe you?"
"Nothing my dear," the old lady smiled at her. "You're paid in full."
With tags removed or altered:
"My deary lets not worry over Susan. You might say she offered to help me start a new plant...of the human variety you might say."
"Okay, what do I owe you?" (2 people in scene. No tag needed as we know who is speaking)
"Nothing my dear(.) The old lady smiled. "You're paid in full."
The old lady smiled is an action tag (called a beat.) Therefore it's a stand-alone sentence and not a speech tag.
You don't want your speech tags pull the reader out of the story. The best tags are said or asked, but they should be used only when necessary, i.e. You can identify the speaker in another way with a beat. You can get away with shouted, screamed, and whispered if you don't overuse them. In a two-person scene, don't overuse tags or beats. All they are supposed to do is identify the speaker, but the reader can follow a short two-way conversation just fine with no confusion about who is speaking.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
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I thought you might appreciate a slight critique. Most of the time, there are only two characters in these scenes. You want your reader to be living the scene is one of the characters, so you don't need to put a speech tag after every line of dialogue. Once set up the scene showing both characters and identify the first speaker, either with the speech tag or an action, you don't need to keep tagging every line. Example:
"My deary lets not worry over Susan. You might say she offered to help me start a new plant...of the human variety you might say."
As written: "Okay," Replied Carrie. "What do I owe you?"
"Nothing my dear," the old lady smiled at her. "You're paid in full."
With tags removed or altered:
"My deary lets not worry over Susan. You might say she offered to help me start a new plant...of the human variety you might say."
"Okay, what do I owe you?" (2 people in scene. No tag needed as we know who is speaking)
"Nothing my dear(.) The old lady smiled. "You're paid in full."
The old lady smiled is an action tag (called a beat.) Therefore it's a stand-alone sentence and not a speech tag.
You don't want your speech tags pull the reader out of the story. The best tags are said or asked, but they should be used only when necessary, i.e. You can identify the speaker in another way with a beat. You can get away with shouted, screamed, and whispered if you don't overuse them. In a two-person scene, don't overuse tags or beats. All they are supposed to do is identify the speaker, but the reader can follow a short two-way conversation just fine with no confusion about who is speaking.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
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I totally agree with you about that; however, its been my experience, on this site, that folks get confused if I don't put on the tags. So, I guess you might say, I've gotten use to doing it...but thanks...
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Don't let yourself get into bad habits just because you're on fanstory, not if you hope to publish or self publish. Best of luck.
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So true...
Comment from Kathleen S.
Descriptive and interesting to read. I was enjoying reading it, but didn't expect that twist end. I am not much into vampires, but for those that like scary stories, this one will do. Great job of building suspense and following through with it.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
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Descriptive and interesting to read. I was enjoying reading it, but didn't expect that twist end. I am not much into vampires, but for those that like scary stories, this one will do. Great job of building suspense and following through with it.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
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thank you...I'm not much into vampires myself...It just felt like a good match for Carrie...
Comment from country ranch writer
The old saying goes be careful what you wish for things aren't always as they seem especially in the swamps and bayous these days.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
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The old saying goes be careful what you wish for things aren't always as they seem especially in the swamps and bayous these days.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
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thank you
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Smiles
