Comment from Mustang Patty

Excellent

Hi there,

Wow, this is one of those tales that take you in and grabs you. I was swept away by the emotions this piece brought to mind.

I enjoyed it very much and I just made a few notes,

'I got up slowly, opened the frige fridge, and took out two beers,...'

'On a mountain top mountaintop.' (Interesting use of the stacatto method to make this point.)

'It was like we were in one of those cloverleafs cloverleaves,'

'On my way back to the frige fridge to get another beer,...' (Do you have an intentional reason for this misspelling?)

'...he talked to my mother and they bought a place in St. Petersburg+, and moved away.' (Comma usage in a compound sentence; IF the two clauses joined by the conjunction, 'and,' are complete clauses, you need to use the comma.)

'"It's time you boys grew up, and took care of yourselves," (unnecessary comma in a compound predicate)

'...go to the store to turn them in, and get more beer.' (unnecessary comma in a compound predicate)

Thank you for sharing this well thought-out story.

~MP~

 Comment Written 06-Oct-2018

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reply by the author on 08-Oct-2018

Thanks so much for the excellent review and your comments and suggestions. I will take a look and edit it at some point; I think the story could use a good fleshing out, a more substantial embellishment of plot and characters. It is really more of an outline compared to the other stories in this series. I was surprised at how well it did; in my own opinion, I thought Kids, Broken Christmas Ornaments and Return to Sender were the strongest stories in this collection. estory

Comment from country ranch writer

Excellent

FINDING YOUR SELF IN A RUT DAY AFTER DAY DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER PUTS A STRAIN ON ONE LIFE, MIND, SOUL WE HAVE TO BREAK AWAY.

 Comment Written 05-Oct-2018

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reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018

Thanks for the excellent review, and for your support of the story. You got what I was trying to say. estory

Comment from apky

Excellent

I think you did a remarkable job with this short story.

It can apply to alll sorts of relationships and dependencies, whether mere friends or parents and their children or fellow siblings or husbands and wives or girlfriends and boyfriends.

A great piece that I'd have loved to give a sixer.

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On my way back to the frige(fridge - unles this is the way Americans spell it) to get another beer

 Comment Written 04-Oct-2018

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reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018

Thanks for the excellent review and for your interesting perspective on the story. The world always surprises me. See, this is a story that seemed unfinished to me, less than some of the others I posted. I think in my own mind, Kids, Broken Christmas Ornaments, and Return to Sender were the strongest stories in this series. But it seems most people got what I was trying to say, and that's important. I may polish it up a bit at some future point. thanks again for all the support I appreciate it estory

Comment from Kelly Hanna

Excellent

This was a fun and inspiring read. It reminds me that we must all stop going in circles. That we need to break free of the boring routine. To find new life so that we can learn to live new lives ourselves. You conveyed a great message in just a short story. I really felt like I had Roy as an annoying but familiar older brother. You've done really well on a short story. It was nice to read.

 Comment Written 04-Oct-2018

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reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018

Thanks so much for the excellent review and for all the comments supporting this story. I am glad you found it so moving. It really is a story about breaking out of the abusive relationships, the manipulation, that we often allow for ourselves. Thanks again. estory

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi there,

I didn't find the piece surreal at all. It's introspective and tight in the telling which works very well for the story. The tone is spot on and I think it's something a lot of folk could relate to.

"Geez," he hissed, his face scowling, "You didn't even sand the banisters - technically You in the dialogue should be lower case as it is continuing dialogue without the previous being closed off.

He took his boots off. "Get me a beer," he demanded. - the tag isn't really necessary here.

"It's time you boys grew up, and took care of yourselves," my father replied, "Get yourselves out of - get, same rule as before or close off the previous. (there are more of these)

On my way back to the frige to get another beer - fridge.

All the best
G

 Comment Written 04-Oct-2018

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reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018

Thanks for the excellent review and for all the interesting comments and the perspective on the story. I was surprised how well this was received; I thought it a little less 'finished' than some of the other pieces in this series. In my mind, Kids, Broken Christmas Ornaments, and Return to Sender were the best stories in this collection. But it is true that people found a resonance with it , I guess. Breaking out of manipulation, striking out on your own, is a popular theme today. estory

Comment from Gert sherwood

Excellent

Hello estory
even if your true story was long, there was something that kept me wanting to read more
I loved the end of how you decided to be on your own and away from your brother and smiles how you escaped the clover leaf
Gert

 Comment Written 03-Oct-2018

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reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018

Thanks for the excellent review and all your continued support of my work, I appreciate it estory

reply by Gert sherwood on 06-Oct-2018

You are welcome estory
Gert

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

Hi Estory, I wish I had a six, but alas,, I don't. You've touched a nerve here. I've made that decision a few times in my life and, so far, it's always served me right. I know exactly what you're getting at. Very well written. I liked it a lot. All the best. Ulla:))

 Comment Written 03-Oct-2018

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reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018

Thanks so much for the excellent review and all the continued support of my work as well as the perspective on this story. It surprised me how well this little piece did. In my own mind, Kids, Broken Christmas Ornaments, and Return to Sender were the best stories in this series. This one seemed a bit hurried, a bit less polished. But I am glad people got what I was trying to say estory

Comment from royowen

Excellent

I guess it doesn't matter what others think of the rut one is in, as long as it fulfills and breaks bad habits. It could be a metaphor for any situation. When I was mentally challenged about my commitment to Christ, the thought in my mind, went like this. "What will my friends and family think?" My mental response was, "Who cares, they ant me to be like them!" My life changed exponentially after that, a treasure trove for my wife and kids. So, I relate to your story so well, I detect this was partially autobiographical? Beautfully written, I think a lot will relate. Well done, great write, blessjngs, Roy
Typo : Opened the (frige) fridge?

 Comment Written 03-Oct-2018

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reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018

Thanks so much for the excellent review and the interesting perspective on this story. Everyone goes through this manipulation in relationships, I guess, and the need to break out of it. I am glad people seemed to get what I was trying to say; that the writing articulated that. It is somewhat autobiographical; I think every piece you write is somewhat autobiographical, but I draw my stories from different sources and stitch them together to illustrate a theme. estory

reply by royowen on 06-Oct-2018

Welcome

Comment from damommy

Excellent

I was glad to read that he broke out and headed for freedom. I'd like to know that he made a good life for himself. I've known people like that, trapped in a cloverleaf, which is a description. Cloverleaf. I hope you'll write more and tell us what happened.

 Comment Written 03-Oct-2018

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reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018

Thanks so much for the excellent review and for all the comments supporting this story. This story is a stand alone, the last in this collection of short stories. But the next collection, will be on similar themes; the struggle of life in suburban America. estory

Comment from Sugarray77

Excellent

You did a good job of getting the reader engaged with your story. The middle lagged a bit and the repetive reference to the cloverleaf over emphasized your point. I liked the ending and the hope it gave to the main character. Good job.

 Comment Written 03-Oct-2018

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reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018

Thanks for the excellent review and your comments and perspective on this story. I will take it all under advisement. I think the story could be polished and tightened up a bit, fleshed out a bit more. estory