Afternoon Cocktails
Judy remembers an errand.18 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Tom. This is a clever little piece for tis flash fiction contest.
It's quite a cast of characters for such a brief story, but it comes off well, nonetheless. One suggestion if I may
"The bartender furrowed his brows.' (Unfortunately this comes across as a "forced" action because of the wording. Furrowing is an automatic reaction so if should have been worked in and read "the bartender's brows furrowed" (See the difference?)
Good job though, Tom. Good luck in then contest. Bob
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
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Hi, Tom. This is a clever little piece for tis flash fiction contest.
It's quite a cast of characters for such a brief story, but it comes off well, nonetheless. One suggestion if I may
"The bartender furrowed his brows.' (Unfortunately this comes across as a "forced" action because of the wording. Furrowing is an automatic reaction so if should have been worked in and read "the bartender's brows furrowed" (See the difference?)
Good job though, Tom. Good luck in then contest. Bob
Comment Written 04-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
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Thank you for the suggestion. will change it. Always welcome your help.
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And I yours, my friend. Bob
Comment from KatyM
WOW, I wasn't expecting that end! Good luck with your contest that you are entered into. I have no additions or subtractions. You are correct drinking and driving don't mix. Love the photo that you picked out as well.
Happy Writing
Katy
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
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WOW, I wasn't expecting that end! Good luck with your contest that you are entered into. I have no additions or subtractions. You are correct drinking and driving don't mix. Love the photo that you picked out as well.
Happy Writing
Katy
Comment Written 04-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
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Thank you for that nice review
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
You may want to recheck your word count. I make this 148 by MS and hand count. the asterisk stars are counted by word counting programmes as a single word but this still brings the count up short. It needs to be exactly 150 for this comp.
Mimi sat at a bar. - the 'at a bar' isn't necessary as it would be inferred from the next sentence. however you could further elaborate (without being so direct)instead by saying something like Mimi raised her empty glass.
The story itself is a good one with a favourable ending for flash.
GMG
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reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
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Hi there,
You may want to recheck your word count. I make this 148 by MS and hand count. the asterisk stars are counted by word counting programmes as a single word but this still brings the count up short. It needs to be exactly 150 for this comp.
Mimi sat at a bar. - the 'at a bar' isn't necessary as it would be inferred from the next sentence. however you could further elaborate (without being so direct)instead by saying something like Mimi raised her empty glass.
The story itself is a good one with a favourable ending for flash.
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
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thank you for your feedback. did not know about the asterisk like suggestion of empty glass. My Word did show count of 150,but will recount. thanks so much.
Comment from Kelly Grim
Wow! What a horrific story! I love your depiction of the bartender. I love -- furrowed his brows, shook his head. He's saying a lot with very little! And poor little Judy! Nicely done and consider your reminder delivered to this reader!
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
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Wow! What a horrific story! I love your depiction of the bartender. I love -- furrowed his brows, shook his head. He's saying a lot with very little! And poor little Judy! Nicely done and consider your reminder delivered to this reader!
Comment Written 03-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
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thank you for your wonderful review, appreciated it very much.
Comment from Kelly Hanna
A great story with a shocking and controversial ending. To have the girl die really brings the seriousness of the topic of drinking and driving to light. I appreciate the awareness of the write. A good job on this.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2018
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A great story with a shocking and controversial ending. To have the girl die really brings the seriousness of the topic of drinking and driving to light. I appreciate the awareness of the write. A good job on this.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2018
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Thank you for that wonderful review.
Comment from Marie Werner
A well-crafted narrative. It took me a few readings to understand how the "I forgot Judy" reference was meant to be understood, but once I got it the whole thing clicked into place.
Thanks so much for posting and good luck!
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2018
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A well-crafted narrative. It took me a few readings to understand how the "I forgot Judy" reference was meant to be understood, but once I got it the whole thing clicked into place.
Thanks so much for posting and good luck!
Comment Written 03-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2018
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from l.d.lauritzen
Any time you're limited in your word choice or count it makes it hard to get across the point of your story. I think the first part could be tightened to make the picture stronger. The ending is great. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2018
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Any time you're limited in your word choice or count it makes it hard to get across the point of your story. I think the first part could be tightened to make the picture stronger. The ending is great. Keep writing.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2018
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from royowen
This is a really brilliant entry in this flash fiction contest. As a reformed drunk of 34 years, I'm so glad I didn't actually kill or maim someone before that, more luck than good judgement on my part. Beautifully written, good luck, blessings, Roy
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reply by the author on 03-Oct-2018
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This is a really brilliant entry in this flash fiction contest. As a reformed drunk of 34 years, I'm so glad I didn't actually kill or maim someone before that, more luck than good judgement on my part. Beautifully written, good luck, blessings, Roy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2018
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I am so glad you didn't kill or maim anyone nor harm yourself and thank you for that nice review.
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Most welcome
