Death by Delivery
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Nick's Plan"Nick takes down criminals that cost him his job.
12 total reviews
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Oh my. A policeman turned vigilante. There are really times when you wish you could be like this, especially with drug dealers. Looking forward to the next chapter and seeing how this plays out. Rox
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2018
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Oh my. A policeman turned vigilante. There are really times when you wish you could be like this, especially with drug dealers. Looking forward to the next chapter and seeing how this plays out. Rox
Comment Written 07-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2018
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Thank you for your encouraging review. Nick is determined to take down Diaz once and for all. What he doesn't count on is Diaz's goons stepping in. An oversight that could be deadly.
Thank you again for all your encouragement, help, support and friendship. It means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from apky
Storming out of his office, the captain glances across the busy precinct. I'm going to go Rambo on his scrawny ass when I find him. ~ what a splendid action beginning sentence! I was eager to read on!
"I...I..." he begins, unsure what to say. ~ The rule of the ellipses is, a space before and after. I always leave the space after: "I... I..."
"I wanted to prove to you, to everyone that I was right about Diaz(,) but...."
"We have to be missing something." Jerry tosses his glasses on his desk. ~ Brilliant, girl! Even without you saying it, the reader could picture the frustrated man falling back on his chair and wiping his plams over his face! Just by telling the reader about him tossing his glasses did the whole work.
So sorry I have no sixes left, dang it.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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Storming out of his office, the captain glances across the busy precinct. I'm going to go Rambo on his scrawny ass when I find him. ~ what a splendid action beginning sentence! I was eager to read on!
"I...I..." he begins, unsure what to say. ~ The rule of the ellipses is, a space before and after. I always leave the space after: "I... I..."
"I wanted to prove to you, to everyone that I was right about Diaz(,) but...."
"We have to be missing something." Jerry tosses his glasses on his desk. ~ Brilliant, girl! Even without you saying it, the reader could picture the frustrated man falling back on his chair and wiping his plams over his face! Just by telling the reader about him tossing his glasses did the whole work.
So sorry I have no sixes left, dang it.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much for your great review and all your high praise. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I'm trying to develop Joe more, make him a well-rounded character. Show how he can be caring, funny, sometimes sarcastic but a force to be reckoned with when he's pushed.
Thank you again for all your help, support, encouragement, and, friendship. It means the world to me, take care.
Ps. Knowing you wanted to give me a six is just as good.
Comment from country ranch writer
NEVER TRUST AN UNKNOWN PERSON ESPECIALLY ONE THAT IS DELIVERING. WOW HOW DUMB ARE THESE GUYS THEY NEED A FIX SO BAD AND NOW ARE DEAD.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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NEVER TRUST AN UNKNOWN PERSON ESPECIALLY ONE THAT IS DELIVERING. WOW HOW DUMB ARE THESE GUYS THEY NEED A FIX SO BAD AND NOW ARE DEAD.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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Thank you for your great review. doesn't make sense to you or I but in the addict's eyes, a fix is a fix and better when it's free. That's what I've been told anyhow.
Thank you again for taking the time to read my story, I do hope you enjoyed it, take care.
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LOL
Comment from Kelly Hanna
Wow, so Nick is out taking revenge! And his own department is on his trail. The set up was really good. To see Nick go from losing his job as a police officer, to overdosing or poisoning addicts was a great ride. You've done an excellent job on this chapter! I thoroughly enjoyed the read!
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
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Wow, so Nick is out taking revenge! And his own department is on his trail. The set up was really good. To see Nick go from losing his job as a police officer, to overdosing or poisoning addicts was a great ride. You've done an excellent job on this chapter! I thoroughly enjoyed the read!
Comment Written 05-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review, I'm so glad you enjoyed the story. Nick is determined to make Diaz pay, but he didn't figure in Diaz's goons stepping in. So things are going to get hairy for poor old Nick, really fast.
Thank you again for your kind review and all your encouraging words, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
So the detectives are back at it again, and this time a former 'one of their own' is in the mix.
"Office now," Joe hisses - watch for the emotive speech tags. Hissed, for example, really only works with 's' words of which none are present here.
With his head hung down, Nick trudges - Nick speaks before this but he isn't named until here. It would probably be better to name here from his dialogue so as it's clear who is being spoken to.
"I...I..." He begins, unsure what to say.- he.
"Yes, sir," he lowers his head.- ideally the dialogue would end with a full stop / period and new sentence beginning 'He'.
why he has so many health issues. - his health issues couldn't have been too bad otherwise he'd probably not have been accepted into the police following the physicals.
Jerry looks up from his computer. "He isn't a twin - you have a different font and colour at the beginning of this sentence.
See this?" He points to a small dial at the bottom. "It sets an - same thing here.
"Put mine at two mg's." Jack - no needs for the apostrophe here.
All the best
G
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
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Hi there,
So the detectives are back at it again, and this time a former 'one of their own' is in the mix.
"Office now," Joe hisses - watch for the emotive speech tags. Hissed, for example, really only works with 's' words of which none are present here.
With his head hung down, Nick trudges - Nick speaks before this but he isn't named until here. It would probably be better to name here from his dialogue so as it's clear who is being spoken to.
"I...I..." He begins, unsure what to say.- he.
"Yes, sir," he lowers his head.- ideally the dialogue would end with a full stop / period and new sentence beginning 'He'.
why he has so many health issues. - his health issues couldn't have been too bad otherwise he'd probably not have been accepted into the police following the physicals.
Jerry looks up from his computer. "He isn't a twin - you have a different font and colour at the beginning of this sentence.
See this?" He points to a small dial at the bottom. "It sets an - same thing here.
"Put mine at two mg's." Jack - no needs for the apostrophe here.
All the best
G
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much for your extensive review I truly appreciate all of your help. It's how I learn, grow.
Thank you again for all your help, support, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Stories about drug users and sellers are not among my favorite sort, but this is so well written that I have to put personal taste aside and award a sixer. You're off to a good start. :)
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
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Stories about drug users and sellers are not among my favorite sort, but this is so well written that I have to put personal taste aside and award a sixer. You're off to a good start. :)
Comment Written 04-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much for your fantastic review, I'm honored. Especially knowing this isn't your cup of tea.
Thank you again for such a marvelous review, all your help, support encouraging words and friendship. it means the world to me, take care.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mistydawn
I see that you have another mystery story for us to read, well I sure you will draw quite a few FS readers finding this chapter inquiring to read,'cause of the actions that you have going.
Misty there was one part I was confused with when--
The detectives discover five people scattered around the doorway when they make it to the hut. They check for signs of life but find none.
my question is why would these five people
take off all of a sudden
Gert
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
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Hello Mistydawn
I see that you have another mystery story for us to read, well I sure you will draw quite a few FS readers finding this chapter inquiring to read,'cause of the actions that you have going.
Misty there was one part I was confused with when--
The detectives discover five people scattered around the doorway when they make it to the hut. They check for signs of life but find none.
my question is why would these five people
take off all of a sudden
Gert
Comment Written 04-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
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Thank you for your kind review, I'm so glad you decided to read another one of my stories. Nick is helping them leave this world, one OD at a time. That's what he meant at the end by seven down dozens to go. I'm going to clarify that now that I hear how it reads. Thanks for catching that bit of confusion.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship, it means the world to me, take care.
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You are welcome Misty
Gert
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You are welcome Misty
Gert
Comment from royowen
I can see why Nick got fired, his anger issues are due to his need for revenge. As this is obviously a new story, with the old characters, it looks like Nick will be the police's "person of interest". A rogue cop would be a dangerous adversary. Nick's character he's little regard for procedure. Well done, good set up for the new series, well dine. Blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
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I can see why Nick got fired, his anger issues are due to his need for revenge. As this is obviously a new story, with the old characters, it looks like Nick will be the police's "person of interest". A rogue cop would be a dangerous adversary. Nick's character he's little regard for procedure. Well done, good set up for the new series, well dine. Blessings, Roy
Comment Written 04-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
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Thank you for another great review Diaz killed Nick's mom, brother, almost killing him and then cost him his job so Nick is determined to get rid of Diaz one way or another. Of course it's not going to be as easy as he thinks, lol.
Thank you again for another marvelous review, your friendship and all your encouragement. It truly means a lot to me, take care.
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Most welcome
Comment from kathleenspalding
Whoa! Holy crud! The ending certainly goes with the title and picture! LOL!
This story has good character and descriptions, kept my interest from start to finish, and moved along at a fast and enjoyable pace.
My only question is about the POV - is there a main character? If so, everything should be from only that character's POV. It looks like you're doing 3rd person omniscient (like you're a camera recording all this) - in which case you'll want to avoid inner thought (because even if they say you can include some, someone else will question it). A few nits and suggestions that you're welcome to take or leave -
he glares at his detective.[[insert space]]"In my office,
around, he stomps [[towards - toward is more commonly used]] his door.
"I've never seen him this mad before," Rachel says, [[shocked by his outrage. - POV? could say 'obviously shocked...' or in a shocked voice?]]
"He... He died, sir?" [[He - Nick?]] gulps back tears.
The [[officer - detective]] recalls all the fun times they've had together (or maybe a more active sentence). He wasn't just my partner,
"Yes, sir." [[h -H]]e lowers his head.
"The higher-ups want your head on a platter[[; - .]] I can't say I blame them,
"Yes, sir." [[He slowly walks out of the room. - can make this more active - his feet drag, etc.]]
Joe turns toward the window. [[I lost two good officers today, he thinks, gazing across the mountains. - POV issue? He could say it to someone.]]
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I don't think we have the tech to replicate DNA. Could it have been planted at the crime scene?
The [[Say how many. I assumed there were 2, but 3 are talking]] detectives pull up to an overgrown lot on the outskirts of town.
"Are you sure this is the right address?" [[who says this?]]
The rundown shack is overtaken by weeds, trees, and vines. - This is good for a screenplay (I can see all this in my head like a TV show), but if you're writing a book, you might want to show it/make it more active, rather than tell it. A rundown shack peeks through .../Weeds...cover...shack/something like that.
The detectives discover five people scattered around the doorway when they make it to the hut. (Are the people dead or unconscious?) (also, watch for POV. You could add dialogue, describe the scattered people and the officers' reactions.)
[[They then hear a small, weak cry coming from the back. - A small, weak cry sounds/issues from inside the house, somewhere in the back rooms. (Or something like that. Takes care of POV & 'They then')]]
Rachel starts to walk towards it[[, - ;]] Jerry grabs her arm to stop her. (comma splice)
Nick pulls up to a yellow two-story[[, - delete]]Victorian on the edge of town. (No commas needed. You can put one after 'yellow' if you really want to.)
I'm surprised this hasn't been condemned. - italicize for inner thought.
The wooden barrier swings open, [[and]] a thin, frail man steps outside. (comma splice)
[[He The frail man/man with the gun]] glances at the delivery man and then the pizza carrier.
A gangly man gives Nick a quick once over as he steps [[on - onto]] the porch.
It is unlikely Jack and Doug would use names, and assuming they're only featured in this scene, the reader really doesn't need to know their names. Can nickname them Gimpy and Gangly, or something like that. (Give them each an easily nick-named characteristic.)
[[" - delete quotation mark]]Nick pulls a small bag from the pizza box. Snatching
He slaps money [[in - into]] the lad's hand.
Do they have to tie off their arms to get their veins to pop up before getting injected?
That's it. Great job!
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
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Whoa! Holy crud! The ending certainly goes with the title and picture! LOL!
This story has good character and descriptions, kept my interest from start to finish, and moved along at a fast and enjoyable pace.
My only question is about the POV - is there a main character? If so, everything should be from only that character's POV. It looks like you're doing 3rd person omniscient (like you're a camera recording all this) - in which case you'll want to avoid inner thought (because even if they say you can include some, someone else will question it). A few nits and suggestions that you're welcome to take or leave -
he glares at his detective.[[insert space]]"In my office,
around, he stomps [[towards - toward is more commonly used]] his door.
"I've never seen him this mad before," Rachel says, [[shocked by his outrage. - POV? could say 'obviously shocked...' or in a shocked voice?]]
"He... He died, sir?" [[He - Nick?]] gulps back tears.
The [[officer - detective]] recalls all the fun times they've had together (or maybe a more active sentence). He wasn't just my partner,
"Yes, sir." [[h -H]]e lowers his head.
"The higher-ups want your head on a platter[[; - .]] I can't say I blame them,
"Yes, sir." [[He slowly walks out of the room. - can make this more active - his feet drag, etc.]]
Joe turns toward the window. [[I lost two good officers today, he thinks, gazing across the mountains. - POV issue? He could say it to someone.]]
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I don't think we have the tech to replicate DNA. Could it have been planted at the crime scene?
The [[Say how many. I assumed there were 2, but 3 are talking]] detectives pull up to an overgrown lot on the outskirts of town.
"Are you sure this is the right address?" [[who says this?]]
The rundown shack is overtaken by weeds, trees, and vines. - This is good for a screenplay (I can see all this in my head like a TV show), but if you're writing a book, you might want to show it/make it more active, rather than tell it. A rundown shack peeks through .../Weeds...cover...shack/something like that.
The detectives discover five people scattered around the doorway when they make it to the hut. (Are the people dead or unconscious?) (also, watch for POV. You could add dialogue, describe the scattered people and the officers' reactions.)
[[They then hear a small, weak cry coming from the back. - A small, weak cry sounds/issues from inside the house, somewhere in the back rooms. (Or something like that. Takes care of POV & 'They then')]]
Rachel starts to walk towards it[[, - ;]] Jerry grabs her arm to stop her. (comma splice)
Nick pulls up to a yellow two-story[[, - delete]]Victorian on the edge of town. (No commas needed. You can put one after 'yellow' if you really want to.)
I'm surprised this hasn't been condemned. - italicize for inner thought.
The wooden barrier swings open, [[and]] a thin, frail man steps outside. (comma splice)
[[He The frail man/man with the gun]] glances at the delivery man and then the pizza carrier.
A gangly man gives Nick a quick once over as he steps [[on - onto]] the porch.
It is unlikely Jack and Doug would use names, and assuming they're only featured in this scene, the reader really doesn't need to know their names. Can nickname them Gimpy and Gangly, or something like that. (Give them each an easily nick-named characteristic.)
[[" - delete quotation mark]]Nick pulls a small bag from the pizza box. Snatching
He slaps money [[in - into]] the lad's hand.
Do they have to tie off their arms to get their veins to pop up before getting injected?
That's it. Great job!
Comment Written 04-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much for your marvelous review all of your help. I think I fixed all of my mistakes, I hope. DNA can be manufactured scary I know you can read about it at http://www.ncstl.org/evident/Manufactured%20DNA%20Paget
I was confused with your comment about thoughts feelings of multiple characters.I thought that was 3rd person omniscient is suppose to do, Isn't that the difference between it and the limited? Please explain.
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Yup. You're right. 3rd person omniscient it is. And you are doing a good job staying unbiased. (My writer's group was alway nit-picky about that POV, so I'm shy of it.) Sorry! And - DNA manufacturing--Good grief!!!
Comment from Ulla
Hi Misty, so this is a new book you're starting and already a lot is happening. It's well paced and you are building up the plot. I'm really looking forward to following this. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
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Hi Misty, so this is a new book you're starting and already a lot is happening. It's well paced and you are building up the plot. I'm really looking forward to following this. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 04-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much for another great review and for hanging out with me through another story. I truly appreciate your continued help and support, take care.
