Betrayed From Within
The opening chapter12 total reviews
Comment from Lady Jane
One didn't disobey an Executive Order(,) nor did they dare - I think a comma is warranted here
I banking on her reputed desire to deliver the absolute - should this read:
I'm banking on -
I banked on - or
I was banking on? - it seems a letter or word is missing
Just a suggestion:
Without knowing why, or even examining the object the victim (had) thrust at her - I think this sentence could stand without the 'had' before thrust. :)
Inside five minutes the crime scene (had been) cordoned off by six more vehicles. - consider revising to 'was' here
A glance (as) her knees and elbows revealed blood. - should this be 'at' instead of 'as' ?
Alison now knew her instincts (were) spot on; the story (took) on new significance. - just a thought for editing this line :)
I'm a sport's reporter for the Post(.) (M)y name's Alison Coutts. - edit suggestion
Or(,) the package he'd thrust into her hands. - seems how you started a new sentence
They commenced shooting(.) Ashe didn't stand a chance.
Removing the body eliminates the risk of leaving forensic evidence (making it difficult to identify) the type of weapon (used)(,) which in turn leaves the prosecution('s) case lacking in detail. - edit suggestion
When there's no body, defence can argue the victim is in hiding rather than dead (,) therefore making....
He wrote the details on a slip of paper. He called to a colleague - I'd combine these two:
He wrote the details on a slip of paper (and OR then) called out to his colleague(,) "Get a trace....
Wow, what an amazing first chapter. I've noted some suggestions above, mere suggestions, with only one or two nits. Nothing to detract a star for as the nits are only commas, etc. The suggestions, I think, are good and will help the flow, but are not required, from writer to writer :) I enjoyed reading this short write and look forward to the next installment. I'd like to know what her bra is holding ...haha.
The dialogues was crisp and clean/well formatted
The pace was steady and didn't bog down.
The voice and overall content was consistent, concise, and well executed. Nice job, Bob! Hope you don't mind the suggestions :)
Janelle
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2018
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One didn't disobey an Executive Order(,) nor did they dare - I think a comma is warranted here
I banking on her reputed desire to deliver the absolute - should this read:
I'm banking on -
I banked on - or
I was banking on? - it seems a letter or word is missing
Just a suggestion:
Without knowing why, or even examining the object the victim (had) thrust at her - I think this sentence could stand without the 'had' before thrust. :)
Inside five minutes the crime scene (had been) cordoned off by six more vehicles. - consider revising to 'was' here
A glance (as) her knees and elbows revealed blood. - should this be 'at' instead of 'as' ?
Alison now knew her instincts (were) spot on; the story (took) on new significance. - just a thought for editing this line :)
I'm a sport's reporter for the Post(.) (M)y name's Alison Coutts. - edit suggestion
Or(,) the package he'd thrust into her hands. - seems how you started a new sentence
They commenced shooting(.) Ashe didn't stand a chance.
Removing the body eliminates the risk of leaving forensic evidence (making it difficult to identify) the type of weapon (used)(,) which in turn leaves the prosecution('s) case lacking in detail. - edit suggestion
When there's no body, defence can argue the victim is in hiding rather than dead (,) therefore making....
He wrote the details on a slip of paper. He called to a colleague - I'd combine these two:
He wrote the details on a slip of paper (and OR then) called out to his colleague(,) "Get a trace....
Wow, what an amazing first chapter. I've noted some suggestions above, mere suggestions, with only one or two nits. Nothing to detract a star for as the nits are only commas, etc. The suggestions, I think, are good and will help the flow, but are not required, from writer to writer :) I enjoyed reading this short write and look forward to the next installment. I'd like to know what her bra is holding ...haha.
The dialogues was crisp and clean/well formatted
The pace was steady and didn't bog down.
The voice and overall content was consistent, concise, and well executed. Nice job, Bob! Hope you don't mind the suggestions :)
Janelle
Comment Written 18-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2018
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What a fantastic review. A huge thank you for the editing tips. I will take a look at them this afternoon. I'm off now to visit my wife in hospital, she had a hip replacement last week. Thank you again, your assistance is much appreciated.
Comment from royowen
Well done Bob, a resumption of your book series, and as usual carries your action hallmark. Good at describing action scenes, and in the previous paragraphs, writing in the first person of Ashe Morgan, and in the section two, he is shot and carted away. Mind you it could be staged, clandestine stuff Bob, Well done, blessings, Roy
Typo I('m) banking on her reputed desire....
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2018
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Well done Bob, a resumption of your book series, and as usual carries your action hallmark. Good at describing action scenes, and in the previous paragraphs, writing in the first person of Ashe Morgan, and in the section two, he is shot and carted away. Mind you it could be staged, clandestine stuff Bob, Well done, blessings, Roy
Typo I('m) banking on her reputed desire....
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2018
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Thank you Roy. This one is only in the planning stages less that 10% written. Just hoping to get a reader's feel for it. Thank you for picking up on that typo. I've rectified it. Have a great day. And if you have time, please say a prayer for my wife, Jeanette, she's just had a new hip installed. Thank you for that also.
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Of course Bob,
