Derailed
My life had derailed.74 total reviews
Comment from friartuck
Thank you for this one - a chilling remembrance, well put together and it tells the story very well. That must indeed have been a traumatic experience for anyone, but especially for a four year old child! Well done!
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2018
  |
Thank you for this one - a chilling remembrance, well put together and it tells the story very well. That must indeed have been a traumatic experience for anyone, but especially for a four year old child! Well done!
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2018
-
Yes, friartuck, this incident haunted me for half a century now. Only now am I talking and writing about it to process it. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Cindy McIntyre
What an outstanding poem. Your words help paint the scene, but more importantly, your words share the emotions of a child and how that night changed your world. The analogy of the "train tracks" was stunning. This is an allegory on so many levels with the timing of American history. A sad, but a hauntingly beautiful story you've shared.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
 |
What an outstanding poem. Your words help paint the scene, but more importantly, your words share the emotions of a child and how that night changed your world. The analogy of the "train tracks" was stunning. This is an allegory on so many levels with the timing of American history. A sad, but a hauntingly beautiful story you've shared.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
-
Yes, Cindy, there was a feeling that everything in the world then was being derailed. The derailment in my poem happened exactly a month after King's assassination, a day after my fourth birthday, and a month before Bobby Kennedy's assassination while the events that would lead up to my parents' divorce were already underway. My older brother said that the divorce was so horrible that he did not even remember the derailment or anything else that year. Only the divorce. I am glad I shared my beautifully haunting story. Thank you for your generous, six star review.
Comment from kiwijenny
My only sound in this nightmare wailed--
wailed like the whistle of the Southern Pacific....how scary and how scarring....the derailed life metaphor of an actual derailment was brilliant
Well penned
God bless
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
|
My only sound in this nightmare wailed--
wailed like the whistle of the Southern Pacific....how scary and how scarring....the derailed life metaphor of an actual derailment was brilliant
Well penned
God bless
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
-
Yes, Kiwi, the derailment metaphor is effective. I worked a week on this. I originally wanted to write an essay on the history of derailments along the Southern Pacific line in the San Fernando Valley, but the material told me to write a poem on my experiences with the one derailment that impacted my family.
Thank you for your review and blessings.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Sis Cat
You in your profile said you are a good oral story teller and now to show us in your excellent free verse poem of how your life got derailed at the age of four.
Gert
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
|
Hello Sis Cat
You in your profile said you are a good oral story teller and now to show us in your excellent free verse poem of how your life got derailed at the age of four.
Gert
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
-
Yes, Gert, I used my oral storytelling skills to craft my poem. After I wrote a first draft, I recorded it on my iPhone and went on a two-and-a-half mile walk during which I listened to my poem dozens of times to revise it by ear and type notes of suggested changes. By the time I arrived home, I finished revisions because I had listened to my poem two dozen times during the walk.
Thank you for your review.
-
Smiles Sis Cat
And Thank you for telling me of how you were able to tell your true story so well
Gert
-
Smiles Sis cat
Gert
Comment from Adri7enne
There are events that happen and leave permanent scars, or effect permanent changes in a life. I can understand how a tragic event like this might derail a life. You've described it well. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
|
There are events that happen and leave permanent scars, or effect permanent changes in a life. I can understand how a tragic event like this might derail a life. You've described it well. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
-
Thank you, Adri7enne, for your heartfelt, generous review. This event happened half a century ago, but I still remember it.
Comment from mermaids
This must have been terrifying for a child. Your free verse form captures well an event that remains with you and I am sure others still feel the fear. Your verse about memories haunting you is powerful, it appeals to the senses and makes the train derailment real.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
|
This must have been terrifying for a child. Your free verse form captures well an event that remains with you and I am sure others still feel the fear. Your verse about memories haunting you is powerful, it appeals to the senses and makes the train derailment real.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
-
Yes, Mermaids, it's horrible being a kid dragged out of bed in the middle of the night to flee from a toxic cloud and towards the National Guard. I am glad my poem appealed to the senses. Thank you for your review.
Comment from dragonpoet
What a horrific thing to life through so young. I can understand how it could change your life. Make you always unsure of safety and family members being there. I like the metaphor of the tracks being you path in life and all the sirens being air raid silence. It must have seemed like a war zone at the time.
Keep writing
dp
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
|
What a horrific thing to life through so young. I can understand how it could change your life. Make you always unsure of safety and family members being there. I like the metaphor of the tracks being you path in life and all the sirens being air raid silence. It must have seemed like a war zone at the time.
Keep writing
dp
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
-
DP, you have no idea how horrible this event was. At one point the California National Guard directed traffic during the evacuation. I remember my mother dragging me and my siblings to an Army truck filled with armed soldiers to ask what was going on. He told her it was a chemical derailment. As a kid surrounded by real soldiers with real guns, I thought I was in a war zone, which is why I cried during the entire evacuation. Thank you for your review.
-
I would have cried too. I can't imagine how I would react to it now let alone that young
Joan
Comment from Thomas Bowling
You tell the story very well. This could easily be classified as prose. It doesn't read like poetry. It's been a while since I've seen anything posted by you. This was worth the wait.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
|
You tell the story very well. This could easily be classified as prose. It doesn't read like poetry. It's been a while since I've seen anything posted by you. This was worth the wait.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
-
Yes, Thomas, my style was influenced by the matter-of-fact newspaper accounts of train derailments. After I racked up FS Poem of the Month and published eight poems and stories in journals, I took a break from FS. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Mastery
Hello, my friend. How in the heck are you? Long time since I've seen your work or had a review from you. I hope you have not been ill. This is a strong poem covering the derailment and it had to be so frightening for aa young boy who wondered about the end of the world feelings going through his mind (yours)
Outstanding writing, Andre. Bob
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
|
Hello, my friend. How in the heck are you? Long time since I've seen your work or had a review from you. I hope you have not been ill. This is a strong poem covering the derailment and it had to be so frightening for aa young boy who wondered about the end of the world feelings going through his mind (yours)
Outstanding writing, Andre. Bob
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
-
Oh, Bob, it's great to hear from you again in your generous review. No, I have not been ill. I took time off of FS to focus on submitting my writings for publication and learning guitar. Now, I have to create new material. Thank you for your review and I intend to get to your new series.
-
Bless you, Andre. Good to have you back, my friend. Bob
Comment from BermyBye50
This is a masterwork incorporating history, biography together with a personal life changing experience in the form of a free verse poem. You clearly are a multi-talented and brilliant writer. I found the story engaging and insightful as it brought to mind a familiarity in the absence of a Father in your life. Though my experience was different living in Bermuda and my Dad was in my life. I didn't really get to bond with my Dad as the person who helped me to become a man [for he was always working or hanging out with his friends), till late in his life just prior to suffering from Alzheimer's disease which sadly he later succumbed 6 years ago at age 76. I hardly knew my Dad as an individual but I valued and honored his presence in my life while he busied himself providing for and raising up 7 children.
Thank you for sharing this snippet of your life experience in this write.
Eugene
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
|
This is a masterwork incorporating history, biography together with a personal life changing experience in the form of a free verse poem. You clearly are a multi-talented and brilliant writer. I found the story engaging and insightful as it brought to mind a familiarity in the absence of a Father in your life. Though my experience was different living in Bermuda and my Dad was in my life. I didn't really get to bond with my Dad as the person who helped me to become a man [for he was always working or hanging out with his friends), till late in his life just prior to suffering from Alzheimer's disease which sadly he later succumbed 6 years ago at age 76. I hardly knew my Dad as an individual but I valued and honored his presence in my life while he busied himself providing for and raising up 7 children.
Thank you for sharing this snippet of your life experience in this write.
Eugene
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
-
Yes, Eugene, it was only in the last fifteen years of my father's life that I got to visit him and know him better to the extent that we could given the time he had left. It is very difficult to bond with a father if he has been out for much of your early life. I am glad I was able to interweave history and biography together. Thank you for your generous, six star review.
