Guilt By Association, Chapter Two
The cross-examination of the heart continues.15 total reviews
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
Does the witness faint toward the end of this chapter? Another trial that's being told. Love the suspense and also the idea that the District Attorney has possibly a twin brother which they are trying to locate. Good Story.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2019
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Does the witness faint toward the end of this chapter? Another trial that's being told. Love the suspense and also the idea that the District Attorney has possibly a twin brother which they are trying to locate. Good Story.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2019
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Well, I had planned to make this a deep and involved chapter by chapter novella but chapter 3'ended up being the last one for the FanStory contest. :( I had fun though and learned so much about creating a story and characters with this one.
Thank you so much, Rosemary. I am deeply honored you took the time to go so far back in my portfolio.
Love,
Sally xo
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello again, Jarred and Marie are good characters and easy to visualize with your ability to craft well-written prose. An entertaining story. I loved this literary moment:
Jared Alman had a giant hole in his heart--no, deeper, way down in his soul, where only Marie had been given a glimpse.
That's very engaging, natural, real, but without being over wordy.
The only sentence where I stumbled and re-read for meaning is this one:
He decided to wait a few more minutes in order to give this matter his full attention. Besides, everyone was famished and waiting to discuss it without interruption would be the best use of their long lunch recess.
I always let writers know if I have to re-read, it can tell you where you may need to fine tune.
I enjoyed this story, I felt like a fly on the wall, and feel it is well deserving of a six-star rating.
Nice to read you today Sally, and I thought your new poem was worth a six too, but it already has one, so I deserved one too, and needed it more, lol. Hope that makes sense, and thanks for sharing your writing, Anastasia.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2018
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Hello again, Jarred and Marie are good characters and easy to visualize with your ability to craft well-written prose. An entertaining story. I loved this literary moment:
Jared Alman had a giant hole in his heart--no, deeper, way down in his soul, where only Marie had been given a glimpse.
That's very engaging, natural, real, but without being over wordy.
The only sentence where I stumbled and re-read for meaning is this one:
He decided to wait a few more minutes in order to give this matter his full attention. Besides, everyone was famished and waiting to discuss it without interruption would be the best use of their long lunch recess.
I always let writers know if I have to re-read, it can tell you where you may need to fine tune.
I enjoyed this story, I felt like a fly on the wall, and feel it is well deserving of a six-star rating.
Nice to read you today Sally, and I thought your new poem was worth a six too, but it already has one, so I deserved one too, and needed it more, lol. Hope that makes sense, and thanks for sharing your writing, Anastasia.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much for the super review! I appreciate your critique as I value those you have an excellent eye. In chapter one, the trial is interrupted as Marie gets an urgent text with information that needs Jared?s immediate attention. A long long break is granted to resume at 2:00 o?clock. They are on their way to lunch in the car to discuss the text. Chapter one fills in that gap. This is helpful to me as this is my first novella. I am working now on chapter three and will make sure to fill in gaps better. Thank you again!
Sally
Comment from Mabaker
You made the same mistake a lot of us make, too many times the name of the main character Jared. I counted thirty. Please use a different way to talk about him also Jared and Jackson names can easily confuse the reader. This was a large piece of writing, spoiled by something that can be fixed.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2018
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You made the same mistake a lot of us make, too many times the name of the main character Jared. I counted thirty. Please use a different way to talk about him also Jared and Jackson names can easily confuse the reader. This was a large piece of writing, spoiled by something that can be fixed.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2018
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Thank you for your writing and critique. I appreciate it very much. I used family names from my ancestry archives. Too late to change now I guess but a good observation.
All my best to you and yours,
Sally
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Just look at this story and make the corrections and watch out every time for simple mistakes. Sincerely Anne
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Thank you Anne! I appreciate it so much!
Comment from Miranda Langston
this is a really interesting chapter. i absolutely love the detail that you've put into it and i can tell you right now you're an amazing writer. good luck in the contest :)
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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this is a really interesting chapter. i absolutely love the detail that you've put into it and i can tell you right now you're an amazing writer. good luck in the contest :)
Comment Written 06-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much Miranda! I appreciate you kind comments and I am so glad you enjoyed my novella.
All my best to you and yours,
Sally
Comment from Anntonette
I love a good crime novel, there are one of my favorite genres in books. Criminology is one of my majors and I love investigating things. This story was very detailed, great job! - Anntonette
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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I love a good crime novel, there are one of my favorite genres in books. Criminology is one of my majors and I love investigating things. This story was very detailed, great job! - Anntonette
Comment Written 06-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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Thank you Anntonette for your kind review. I am so glad you liked it. I appreciate you stopping by to read and review my piece.
All my best to you and yours,
Sally
Comment from Earl Corp
A food truck app? I want onethe suspense you're using to build up to the climax has me waiting for your next installment. Nice job. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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A food truck app? I want onethe suspense you're using to build up to the climax has me waiting for your next installment. Nice job. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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Thank you so much Earl. I looked up the usage of app and APap and gboth are acceptable. I will switch it if you think best. Clovis will be developed in chapter three. He has become quite popular.
Kindest regards,
Sally
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No need to switch you got your point across.
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No need to switch you got your point across.
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I already did. Thanks!
Comment from Thomas Bowling
There are still a lot of questions to be answered. I assume that at some point Jared is reunited with his brother.
If hope was sunshine, it shone for the very first time on Jared Alman today.
This is a great line. The chapter is very well written.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2018
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There are still a lot of questions to be answered. I assume that at some point Jared is reunited with his brother.
If hope was sunshine, it shone for the very first time on Jared Alman today.
This is a great line. The chapter is very well written.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2018
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Thank you so much for the excellent review. Of course, he is reunited with his brother, but just not as quickly as we had hoped. Stay tuned.
Kindest regards to you and yours,
Sally
Comment from Ben Colder
An excellent story. A bad situation turns into bitter-sweet. Still many times this is true with todays many autos on the highways. Word of advice/ Cut this to about 1000 words on fan story. For some, it is too long.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2018
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An excellent story. A bad situation turns into bitter-sweet. Still many times this is true with todays many autos on the highways. Word of advice/ Cut this to about 1000 words on fan story. For some, it is too long.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2018
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Good, you found me! I have two more up on the first and second page. Thank you for the word count advice. I already sensed that. Chapter one was awarded first place and it was much shorter, maybe too short. I personally. love a long read. Les Miserables is my favorite novel. Thank you so much for the excellent review and critique. Feel better soon!
All my best,
Sally
Comment from damommy
These is certainly a cliff-hanging ending. Mrs. Black seems to have some problems. It will interesting to see how this examination goes.
I've a few places where commas were/were not need.
-"I have a sweater for you[,] Jared,
-That would be great[,] Jackson,
-This[,] too,
-There was not a day that went by[] that Jared did not wonder
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2018
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These is certainly a cliff-hanging ending. Mrs. Black seems to have some problems. It will interesting to see how this examination goes.
I've a few places where commas were/were not need.
-"I have a sweater for you[,] Jared,
-That would be great[,] Jackson,
-This[,] too,
-There was not a day that went by[] that Jared did not wonder
Comment Written 18-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2018
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Thank you my dear copy editor! . I appreciate you more than you know. I will fix these now. Blessings, Sally
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Thank you for being so gracious about it.
Comment from Sanku
You have stopped the story at an important point. Her answer is going to be crucial.But if she does not answer because she is unwell...
Interesting story Your write flows smoothly
One point .You seem to change tenses in your sentences. in some you use present tense and then in others past tense. is this allowed ?
Since this is a contest it is better to check with some one .
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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You have stopped the story at an important point. Her answer is going to be crucial.But if she does not answer because she is unwell...
Interesting story Your write flows smoothly
One point .You seem to change tenses in your sentences. in some you use present tense and then in others past tense. is this allowed ?
Since this is a contest it is better to check with some one .
Comment Written 17-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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Thank you Sanku. I had an English teacher check my final script for tenses. Did we miss something? My original version missed a few but I fixed it with my edit feature. I will check again. Thank you for your critique.
Kindest regards, Sally
