Baker's Dozen
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Hard Landing"Ben Baker has to hunt down and kill twelve people
24 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I can't begin to imagine the pain poor Bends is suffering. It sounds like he'll be dead before he starts this hunt. Garath has been told not to help him, so what has he got to do with Conners? Another great chapter, Bill.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2021
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I can't begin to imagine the pain poor Bends is suffering. It sounds like he'll be dead before he starts this hunt. Garath has been told not to help him, so what has he got to do with Conners? Another great chapter, Bill.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2021
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Garath is a contributor on Fanstory (giraffemang) and asked about this story. I put him in as a walk-on with an Irish accent. He thought I got the accent wrong.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Bill,that doesn't look good at all. The poor man is seriously hurt and the Irish bloke is certainly not inclined to help to loose your testicles. Ouch! Looking forward to see what happens next. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Hi Bill,that doesn't look good at all. The poor man is seriously hurt and the Irish bloke is certainly not inclined to help to loose your testicles. Ouch! Looking forward to see what happens next. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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I told Giraffmang I?d put him in that chapter. He?s the Irishman. Yeah, the testicles part makes everyone cringe.
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hahaha, what are you like!
Comment from Earl Corp
You write very descriptively. I was squeezing my legs together in empathy when you described his interaction with the tree. I"m imagining the premise of the story is Most Dangerous Game meets the Hunger Games. Looking forward to the next chapter!
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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You write very descriptively. I was squeezing my legs together in empathy when you described his interaction with the tree. I"m imagining the premise of the story is Most Dangerous Game meets the Hunger Games. Looking forward to the next chapter!
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Thanks, Earl, for giving this a look. Bill
Comment from kathleenspalding
Ew! Amazing the guy is alive, for sure! Well written and tense chapter kept my interest from start to finish. Only a couple suggestions -
There are a few places you could make the writing more active, especially -
The first impact with the top of the tree was jarring. His skin was severely shredded - The first jarring impact with a treetop shredded his skin...
ground, he was stopped on the first sizable [[balm - limb? branch?]].
Waking later in the darkness, he [[was - spent?]] several
move through the darkness[[,]] hoping to go
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2018
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Ew! Amazing the guy is alive, for sure! Well written and tense chapter kept my interest from start to finish. Only a couple suggestions -
There are a few places you could make the writing more active, especially -
The first impact with the top of the tree was jarring. His skin was severely shredded - The first jarring impact with a treetop shredded his skin...
ground, he was stopped on the first sizable [[balm - limb? branch?]].
Waking later in the darkness, he [[was - spent?]] several
move through the darkness[[,]] hoping to go
Comment Written 09-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2018
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Lots of good suggestions,
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:-)
Comment from giraffmang
hi Bill,
I got a kick out of this, as you could probably expect. A have to say though that the fella who gave you tips on the accent has no clue whatsoever as to the Northern Irish accent... lol Ireland (where I am NOT from) like anywhere else has tonnes of different dialect and in NI (where I am from) it is exceptionally different.
None of this however, distracts from the story which ,I'm sure you know, I am enjoying immensely, otherwise I wouldn't read it.
This instalment is very visceral in its descriptions, and old Bends is getting exactly what he deserves after the treatment of his 'mate' earlier on...lol
knees in thedirection - space here.
Good stuff
G
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2018
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hi Bill,
I got a kick out of this, as you could probably expect. A have to say though that the fella who gave you tips on the accent has no clue whatsoever as to the Northern Irish accent... lol Ireland (where I am NOT from) like anywhere else has tonnes of different dialect and in NI (where I am from) it is exceptionally different.
None of this however, distracts from the story which ,I'm sure you know, I am enjoying immensely, otherwise I wouldn't read it.
This instalment is very visceral in its descriptions, and old Bends is getting exactly what he deserves after the treatment of his 'mate' earlier on...lol
knees in thedirection - space here.
Good stuff
G
Comment Written 09-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2018
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So happy To read your review. I was hoping to get the dialect close enough that American English speakers would buy into the idea. I would never expect soneone with the regional flavor to accept this forced pronunciation.
Thanks for the positive remarks. You really made my day.
Comment from Cass Carlton
So, here is another to play Conner's deadly game. He is certainly in a mess after the fall down the tree. By the way, the "Irish" accent does seem to have improved from the last time I read it, so points for that. Bends doesn't only need normal sustenance,but medical help too. The poor wretch is in such a mess,but it is remarkable what the human body and spirit can achieve in extreme situations. While Baker is absent from the camp site, Bends may be able to avail himself of whatever there is to assist him. Supposing Baker and Bends decide to work together? Now there's a thought. We'll have to wait and see won't we? cheers Cass
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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So, here is another to play Conner's deadly game. He is certainly in a mess after the fall down the tree. By the way, the "Irish" accent does seem to have improved from the last time I read it, so points for that. Bends doesn't only need normal sustenance,but medical help too. The poor wretch is in such a mess,but it is remarkable what the human body and spirit can achieve in extreme situations. While Baker is absent from the camp site, Bends may be able to avail himself of whatever there is to assist him. Supposing Baker and Bends decide to work together? Now there's a thought. We'll have to wait and see won't we? cheers Cass
Comment Written 08-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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I have other plans for Bends, but I?m open to extending his ultimate fate.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
This is the only chapter I have read, but you drew me in. I will read the other chapters. I take it they're in your portfolio. After that landing, I guess the question of Bauxers or Breefs doesn't matter anymore.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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This is the only chapter I have read, but you drew me in. I will read the other chapters. I take it they're in your portfolio. After that landing, I guess the question of Bauxers or Breefs doesn't matter anymore.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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Thanks for taking a look
Comment from Spitfire
Glad you had the note on Gareth's dialogue because it didn't sound Irish to me.
Vivid description of the destruction to Tim's naked body as he dropped through the trees and into the forest.
Best line: He could feel that his nose was only drawing air in from the right nostril.
I can connect with that!
Excellent writing.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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Glad you had the note on Gareth's dialogue because it didn't sound Irish to me.
Vivid description of the destruction to Tim's naked body as he dropped through the trees and into the forest.
Best line: He could feel that his nose was only drawing air in from the right nostril.
I can connect with that!
Excellent writing.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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Thanks, Shari.
Comment from nomi338
Those who are marked for survival receive help from unsuspected sources when they are most in need. The wise ones do not bother to ask why. They take the help, use it and go on with their day. To this point in time I have had no reason to change my opinion.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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Those who are marked for survival receive help from unsuspected sources when they are most in need. The wise ones do not bother to ask why. They take the help, use it and go on with their day. To this point in time I have had no reason to change my opinion.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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Thanks, nomi. I don?t think he?ll survive much longer.
Comment from WildWithWords
A truly gruesome scene which had me, as a male, cringing severely.
I even checked that you, the author, wern't a woman thinking "only a woman would do that to a male character". I was wrong. "Yer a crool crool lud!"
The Irish language is difficult to convert to print at the best of times. I've had a lot of contact with Irish people over the years and have even cultivated a perfect Irish accent thanks to a 6 week tour of New Zealand with an Irish mate (I'm an Aussie). We BOTH spent the entire trip speaking in Irish brogue.
"Top 'o da moornin' to yer!" is the usual printed version of that common Irish phrase. As for the rest, I think your version can pass for a mostly American audience, however, if you ever want me to have a shot at making it a little more authentic I'd be happy to give it a shot for you. Just ask.
On the other hand, having just noticed this is just a single chapter (or part thereof) of a longer work, that might be a lot of work. LOL. In any case if you'd like me to check any specific Irish brogue you use just let me know. Here to help.
As far as the chapter above goes, I found it interesting and could see no problem with the editing. Good work.
Bill (WildWithWords)
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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A truly gruesome scene which had me, as a male, cringing severely.
I even checked that you, the author, wern't a woman thinking "only a woman would do that to a male character". I was wrong. "Yer a crool crool lud!"
The Irish language is difficult to convert to print at the best of times. I've had a lot of contact with Irish people over the years and have even cultivated a perfect Irish accent thanks to a 6 week tour of New Zealand with an Irish mate (I'm an Aussie). We BOTH spent the entire trip speaking in Irish brogue.
"Top 'o da moornin' to yer!" is the usual printed version of that common Irish phrase. As for the rest, I think your version can pass for a mostly American audience, however, if you ever want me to have a shot at making it a little more authentic I'd be happy to give it a shot for you. Just ask.
On the other hand, having just noticed this is just a single chapter (or part thereof) of a longer work, that might be a lot of work. LOL. In any case if you'd like me to check any specific Irish brogue you use just let me know. Here to help.
As far as the chapter above goes, I found it interesting and could see no problem with the editing. Good work.
Bill (WildWithWords)
Comment Written 07-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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Giraffmang reviewed the previous chapter and commented on what he would have, as a character, rather than what happened. I asked him he wanted to be in the next chapter. He said to go for it. That?s the only reason he?s in it. If you could convert these words to a better version, I? certainly appreciate it.
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I've mad some small changes to the lines in Irish. They're not perfect but they're closer. I've also left a few explanations and examples for you to keep.
"Top 'o da moornin' to ya!"
"Em... ah see ya one ah dem dere Conner's boyos."
"Ma nems Gareth, boyo. An am nut allow ta hep yer none. Doe.... em.... ah truly tink yer could use yaself a marcy bullet roit about no."
"C'mere! Listen up, lad. Da camp is aboot a hunder yards straight dat way. If'n ya recoover, ya may fine wut ya need ta survoive. Best ah look ta ya."
Notes:
Gareth is a Welsh name.... Patrick/Paddy, Liam (Pron. Leeyam), Conor, Sean (pron. Shonn) Jack and Dylan are all common Irish names
- Irish tend to drop the hard "d"or"g" sound on the end of words like morning, allowed,find.
- Many "i" sounds in the middle of words are said as "oi" (as in oil) like survoive.
- The word "Em" is used where Americans would say Umm.
- They also pronounce "now" as a long "no" and most "th" sounds at the start of words (they/ them/the/that/though) are said as a "d" (dey/dem /da/dat/doe)
- "C'mere" (as in "come here") is used to grab attention like "Hey!"
- Your last sentence "Best ah look ta ya!" (meaning in this case "Let me check your wounds") is just about perfect to my ear. Who gave you that ? LOL!
I hope I've been of some help, Bill. Good luck.
Bill (WildWithWords)
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One correction....
ya may fine wut CHA need ta survoive. Best ah look ta ya."
