Astatula (Final Edition)
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Outrage"A young boy tries to turn his life around.Can he?
9 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This is a funny description. Whe my friend used to go to the old Burger King, We just couldn't sit at the Pepto-Bismol pink tables. So we found some other colors to sit at. "In his Pepto-Bismol pink suit, the copper-haired newscaster chides the flamboyant weatherman" Good examples of allusion. I'm going to just read the rest.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2022
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This is a funny description. Whe my friend used to go to the old Burger King, We just couldn't sit at the Pepto-Bismol pink tables. So we found some other colors to sit at. "In his Pepto-Bismol pink suit, the copper-haired newscaster chides the flamboyant weatherman" Good examples of allusion. I'm going to just read the rest.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2022
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Thanks.
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Pepto Bismol so funny
Comment from judiverse
The sheriff has quite a threat on his hands with the Astatula Assassin at large. He seems level-headed, but the public is demanding a quick resolution to the mystery. His advice was good, but as he knows it can only go so far. Beth is the attentive listener, and he needs someone to bounce ideas off of. I'm wondering why you spend so much time with the weatherman at the beginning, unless he is to be a player in what happens later on. judi
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2018
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The sheriff has quite a threat on his hands with the Astatula Assassin at large. He seems level-headed, but the public is demanding a quick resolution to the mystery. His advice was good, but as he knows it can only go so far. Beth is the attentive listener, and he needs someone to bounce ideas off of. I'm wondering why you spend so much time with the weatherman at the beginning, unless he is to be a player in what happens later on. judi
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2018
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Appreciate the in depth review. Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story.
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You're very welcome. I'd neglected to mention in my review that I appreciate you naming and identifying the important characters at the beginning of the chapter. Makes it much easier to follow. judi
Comment from Ulla
Hi Brett, well, the story is still good and I suppose that's what it will remain to be. Only thing I have to say is that I'm puzzled that you put the high temperatures as a blue line and the cold as a red line. Any reason for that? As it seems totally illogical. All best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Hi Brett, well, the story is still good and I suppose that's what it will remain to be. Only thing I have to say is that I'm puzzled that you put the high temperatures as a blue line and the cold as a red line. Any reason for that? As it seems totally illogical. All best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 08-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Thanks.
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Brett. I hadn't read all of the chapters to this story the first time around, so it's nice to start over from the beginning with it. Congratulations on publishing this one. I find your writing to be clear, well-described to detail, and interesting. Marilyn
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Hi Brett. I hadn't read all of the chapters to this story the first time around, so it's nice to start over from the beginning with it. Congratulations on publishing this one. I find your writing to be clear, well-described to detail, and interesting. Marilyn
Comment Written 08-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Appreciate the review. Glad you enjoyed this portion of the book.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
This is a good job on chapter 1, Brett. Thanks for the info about characters. This part reads well. The dialogue is appropriate, too.
Suggestion:
Channel 13's Dolly Grip(,) Ron Wilson(,) [it's an appositive et off with commas]
Newscaster Bob [capital on Newscaster?? is it his title?
She listened attentively to every word the sheriff said. She always did.
As always, she listened attentively to every word the sheriff said. (combining those 2 sentences)
What kind of demented abnormality would do something like that?" (abnormality is a thing--perhaps you meant what kind of psychopath . . . )
Thanks for sharing. Jan
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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This is a good job on chapter 1, Brett. Thanks for the info about characters. This part reads well. The dialogue is appropriate, too.
Suggestion:
Channel 13's Dolly Grip(,) Ron Wilson(,) [it's an appositive et off with commas]
Newscaster Bob [capital on Newscaster?? is it his title?
She listened attentively to every word the sheriff said. She always did.
As always, she listened attentively to every word the sheriff said. (combining those 2 sentences)
What kind of demented abnormality would do something like that?" (abnormality is a thing--perhaps you meant what kind of psychopath . . . )
Thanks for sharing. Jan
Comment Written 07-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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Thanks for the offerings. Appreciate them very much. Helpful indeed.
Comment from Dawnya
Okay, here's are my corrections and suggestions regarding grammar issues.
When you have two adjectives before a noun, you need a comma between the adjectives but not between the second adjective and the noun. So delete the comma between round and beads as well as wing-tipped and loafers in the first paragraph. In the second paragraph, delete the comma between distinct and timbre.
You need a comma in the second sentence between "camera" and "the" to set off an introductory phrase. You need another one after "Behind him."
In the third paragraph, delete the comma between "desk" and "and" since the phrase doesn't end until "spoke."
Delete the comma between "impoverished" and "families."
Put a colon between "sponsors" and "Hayden" to mark the start of a list.
Change "our" to "the" in the paragraph that begins with "Oftentimes."
I would suggest deleting the sentence beginning with, "Soon, much..." I don't think it adds anything that we don't already know or assume. But if you keep it, you need to identify who "their" refers to.
I don't think the sheriff should say that people should "take whatever measure necessary to protect themselves." To some citizens, that could suggest they act out in a variety of illegal behaviors (e.g. vigilantism).
I don't know what "intimate feistiness" means. I understand the two words separately, but not together.
I don't think you need "psychopathic" and "whack job." It seems redundant.
Content-wise, I don't have much to say. Settings, characters, and the central conflict have all been introduced well. I would normally post something about what I hope to find out in future chapters. Since this is a final re-write, it doesn't seem like that would be useful. Good work!
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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Okay, here's are my corrections and suggestions regarding grammar issues.
When you have two adjectives before a noun, you need a comma between the adjectives but not between the second adjective and the noun. So delete the comma between round and beads as well as wing-tipped and loafers in the first paragraph. In the second paragraph, delete the comma between distinct and timbre.
You need a comma in the second sentence between "camera" and "the" to set off an introductory phrase. You need another one after "Behind him."
In the third paragraph, delete the comma between "desk" and "and" since the phrase doesn't end until "spoke."
Delete the comma between "impoverished" and "families."
Put a colon between "sponsors" and "Hayden" to mark the start of a list.
Change "our" to "the" in the paragraph that begins with "Oftentimes."
I would suggest deleting the sentence beginning with, "Soon, much..." I don't think it adds anything that we don't already know or assume. But if you keep it, you need to identify who "their" refers to.
I don't think the sheriff should say that people should "take whatever measure necessary to protect themselves." To some citizens, that could suggest they act out in a variety of illegal behaviors (e.g. vigilantism).
I don't know what "intimate feistiness" means. I understand the two words separately, but not together.
I don't think you need "psychopathic" and "whack job." It seems redundant.
Content-wise, I don't have much to say. Settings, characters, and the central conflict have all been introduced well. I would normally post something about what I hope to find out in future chapters. Since this is a final re-write, it doesn't seem like that would be useful. Good work!
Comment Written 07-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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Comma usage has always been my downfall. Appreciate the edits very much.
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It might not seem like it, but I thought your work was very well written. It's just a polish. :)
Comment from royowen
I remember we had 14 consecutive days of 98 into the 100+but not quite sixteen, and not with Astalula Assassin at large. It's been a while, Brett, since I've read your story of Cody and his adoptive Sherrif dad, but his real father was the nasty incumbent the last Tim I read it. Well done. good reading my friend, blessings, Roy
Typo :Through the lens of the camera(') the small,
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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I remember we had 14 consecutive days of 98 into the 100+but not quite sixteen, and not with Astalula Assassin at large. It's been a while, Brett, since I've read your story of Cody and his adoptive Sherrif dad, but his real father was the nasty incumbent the last Tim I read it. Well done. good reading my friend, blessings, Roy
Typo :Through the lens of the camera(') the small,
Comment Written 07-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the book. Appreciate the review.
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Most welcome
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Well done. I have read the other versions you have posted and they get better each time. I do hope we will find out about Bee-Bo (I think that's his name.) this time. You left us hanging before. Very well done. Looking forward to more. Didn't see any errors. Rox
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Well done. I have read the other versions you have posted and they get better each time. I do hope we will find out about Bee-Bo (I think that's his name.) this time. You left us hanging before. Very well done. Looking forward to more. Didn't see any errors. Rox
Comment Written 07-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Appreciate the review.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Brett Matthew West
I like reading your first chapter of your book
The Cody Schroder Story, I can not give any suggestions,
(it's best for those who know how to help you edit) all I know is I got intrigued reading and what is going to place next
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Hello Brett Matthew West
I like reading your first chapter of your book
The Cody Schroder Story, I can not give any suggestions,
(it's best for those who know how to help you edit) all I know is I got intrigued reading and what is going to place next
Comment Written 07-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Thanks for the review. Appreciate the comments.
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You are welcome Brett Matthew West
Gert
