A Roadmap Through Paradise
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Return To Sender"short stories
7 total reviews
Comment from tfawcus
A six-star story, if ever I read one. It can take a disaster to make us reevaluate our lives and our priorities. I found that the emotional intensity of your story was maintained right through to the finish. I have to say that I had a certain moistness in the eye when reading the part about the hospital visits and the reconciliation.
The pivotal moment in the narrative seemed to be when you wrote, "I had this strange feeling that I had broken with some foundation at the core of me".
There are one or two minor edits needed towards the end:
immoveably / immovably
ipod / iPod
He squeezed my me with his left hand
Stunning writing. I am in awe.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2018
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A six-star story, if ever I read one. It can take a disaster to make us reevaluate our lives and our priorities. I found that the emotional intensity of your story was maintained right through to the finish. I have to say that I had a certain moistness in the eye when reading the part about the hospital visits and the reconciliation.
The pivotal moment in the narrative seemed to be when you wrote, "I had this strange feeling that I had broken with some foundation at the core of me".
There are one or two minor edits needed towards the end:
immoveably / immovably
ipod / iPod
He squeezed my me with his left hand
Stunning writing. I am in awe.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2018
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I am honored to have such a great review from you, my friend; your moving tribute justified the writing. I am so glad that the emotional aspects of this came through so clearly. I think we all have moments like this; when we realize that we have broken with a parent, and then, almost too late, we discover that something integral to our life is about to disappear forever. I wrote this story when I had a similar discovery in suddenly realizing that my parents were in their 80's, and that I had better make the most of the time I had left with them. estory
Comment from Shanbreen
Estory, you have a very warm story to tell. Yes, many children have this estranged relationship with their parents, and then find it's too late to mend it.
However, this story needs polishing in the use of language. It needs to be tightened because as it is, it seems stagnant like it's not moving forward. It's also a bit wordy.
Here are some examples:
My father, our father, had a stroke. ("My father is unnecessary. It doesn't help with the story)
She wanted to know if I could come back east. She wanted to know if I would visit him. (How about "She wanted to know if I could come back east to visit him?")
It felt like a relief to see her. (It was a relief to see her).
When I saw him at Christmas or Easter, at my sister's,... (When I saw him at my sister during Christamas or Easter...)
I beleive you have a good storyline -- but it needs some work on it.
BTW, love the title.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2018
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Estory, you have a very warm story to tell. Yes, many children have this estranged relationship with their parents, and then find it's too late to mend it.
However, this story needs polishing in the use of language. It needs to be tightened because as it is, it seems stagnant like it's not moving forward. It's also a bit wordy.
Here are some examples:
My father, our father, had a stroke. ("My father is unnecessary. It doesn't help with the story)
She wanted to know if I could come back east. She wanted to know if I would visit him. (How about "She wanted to know if I could come back east to visit him?")
It felt like a relief to see her. (It was a relief to see her).
When I saw him at Christmas or Easter, at my sister's,... (When I saw him at my sister during Christamas or Easter...)
I beleive you have a good storyline -- but it needs some work on it.
BTW, love the title.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2018
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I appreciate your perspective on the story, I am glad you liked the premise, and I will probably edit it and polish it along at some point. in many ways, I am my own worst critic and am always looking to improve things. Some of these suggestions make sense to me, especially maybe the technical suggestions; stylistically, I am firmly in the camp of Cheever and Updike and Joyce and that means more words are probably better than less. At least when writing stories are concerned. I aim for personality, and some of the colloquialisms are that attempt to portray personality in writing. estory
Comment from Ulla
Hi Estory, this is a very moving story. It is so true, we are only here for a short while, and then it is over. Meanwhile it's important to make the most of life and to nourish important relationships. With regards to the latter it takes two to let that happen. It very well written. I liked it a lot. Just a few things for your consideration.
trying to life both of our spirits.= trying to lift both of our spirits
He just lays there, staring at you. He looks empty." = He just lies there, staring at you."
by a thick pane of glass, and on the others side, = by a thick pane of glass, and on the other side,
He squeezed my me with his left hand. = He squeezed my hand with his left hand.
Best regards, Ulla:))
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2018
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Hi Estory, this is a very moving story. It is so true, we are only here for a short while, and then it is over. Meanwhile it's important to make the most of life and to nourish important relationships. With regards to the latter it takes two to let that happen. It very well written. I liked it a lot. Just a few things for your consideration.
trying to life both of our spirits.= trying to lift both of our spirits
He just lays there, staring at you. He looks empty." = He just lies there, staring at you."
by a thick pane of glass, and on the others side, = by a thick pane of glass, and on the other side,
He squeezed my me with his left hand. = He squeezed my hand with his left hand.
Best regards, Ulla:))
Comment Written 15-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2018
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and all your wonderful comments and suggestions. I will give it another edit some day to take out the nits. I am glad you found it so relevant; I guess everyone has experiences like this with someone. In this case, the son tries to repair the relationship, and there is a little of reconciliation at the end as he realized how far he has gone from his foundation estory
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
Oddly enough, it wasn't really that hard to uproot myself from Phoenix and head back east. I had no pets to board out, I wasn't in love with anyone, and I wasn't in the middle of writing a novel or reading one. I had no close friends with plans for hiking trips or backyard barbecues. Leaving Phoenix was as easy as throwing out the perishable food in my refrigerator, packing a suitcase, and locking the front door. I was starting to find myself bored with Phoenix, like someone who had been on vacation too long. I had been free to lecture my students on modernism, go to rock concerts, and drink a few bottle of scotch in the backyard under an avocado tree, but suddenly, none of this had really seemed to amount to anything. None of it seemed defining. I hadn't gotten married. I hadn't been offered a publishing contract. I had dated a couple of the other teachers where I worked, but in the end, after a few outings, we seemed to end up under that avocado tree, drunk, with nothing to say...I really miss those times of freedom, of just being able to move around without anyone to answer to. This is very well written and amazingly interesting. Well done love your work kindest regards Meia xxx
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2018
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Oddly enough, it wasn't really that hard to uproot myself from Phoenix and head back east. I had no pets to board out, I wasn't in love with anyone, and I wasn't in the middle of writing a novel or reading one. I had no close friends with plans for hiking trips or backyard barbecues. Leaving Phoenix was as easy as throwing out the perishable food in my refrigerator, packing a suitcase, and locking the front door. I was starting to find myself bored with Phoenix, like someone who had been on vacation too long. I had been free to lecture my students on modernism, go to rock concerts, and drink a few bottle of scotch in the backyard under an avocado tree, but suddenly, none of this had really seemed to amount to anything. None of it seemed defining. I hadn't gotten married. I hadn't been offered a publishing contract. I had dated a couple of the other teachers where I worked, but in the end, after a few outings, we seemed to end up under that avocado tree, drunk, with nothing to say...I really miss those times of freedom, of just being able to move around without anyone to answer to. This is very well written and amazingly interesting. Well done love your work kindest regards Meia xxx
Comment Written 13-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2018
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Thanks so much for your excellent review and for letting me what you liked about it. I am glad to have your perspective. In this story the guy realizes that the freedom hasn't taken him to where he hoped to go, and that he has drifted far off base from his foundation. then he tries to get back to it. I am glad you found it so interesting and I appreciate the support estory
Comment from Henry King
This is an excellent story. It reads like it is a true story. The only clue that it is fiction is in the introduction. This tale is of a son coming to the realization that reality comes from and is based on family and the place from which we came. Sometimes that reality is a horror story. In this case, it had a satisfying end. Well done.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2018
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This is an excellent story. It reads like it is a true story. The only clue that it is fiction is in the introduction. This tale is of a son coming to the realization that reality comes from and is based on family and the place from which we came. Sometimes that reality is a horror story. In this case, it had a satisfying end. Well done.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2018
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and your comments validating the theme of the story. In this case, it was a long journey for the son and the father, a journey not without its horrors; but they at least try to make some kind of reconciliation at the end, even though it is almost too late. You have a certain amount of time on this earth, with the people you love and you have to make the most of it. estory
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You are welcome.
Comment from humpwhistle
This is a valiant effort, estory. A deep and rich tale.
But the telling leaves me unengaged.
At least 80% of this story is 'told'. Telling doesn't allow the reader to participate, to draw his or her own conclusions.
Telling makes reading a robotic exercise.
If you want to show, you need to create scenes in which your characters act.
Actions can be interpreted by the reader--thus, the reader is engaged, participating.
Telling is easier than showing, but it isn't as rewarding.
One man's opinion.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2018
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This is a valiant effort, estory. A deep and rich tale.
But the telling leaves me unengaged.
At least 80% of this story is 'told'. Telling doesn't allow the reader to participate, to draw his or her own conclusions.
Telling makes reading a robotic exercise.
If you want to show, you need to create scenes in which your characters act.
Actions can be interpreted by the reader--thus, the reader is engaged, participating.
Telling is easier than showing, but it isn't as rewarding.
One man's opinion.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 13-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2018
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Thanks for the excellent review and your interesting perspective on the story. I guess my influences have been Cheever, Joyce, Carver and Updike and it shows. estory
Comment from kiwijenny
This is my favorite of your writing.
Years ago I made jigsaw puzzles . I made one for a friend's mom who had a stroke. She knew her mom was giving them all the finger for babyish questions. My wooden jigsaws helped..they were of her husband and garden that she loved.
Hugs. Wish I had a six
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2018
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This is my favorite of your writing.
Years ago I made jigsaw puzzles . I made one for a friend's mom who had a stroke. She knew her mom was giving them all the finger for babyish questions. My wooden jigsaws helped..they were of her husband and garden that she loved.
Hugs. Wish I had a six
Comment Written 13-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2018
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I'm so glad you enjoyed this story and that it resonated so much for you in a personal way. I guess we all have these broken relationships that we need to repair in our lives, and we can either leave them broken or try to repair them. In the end, I guess we both believe repairing is a better undertaking estory
