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Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "The Wait"A Romantic, Superhero-like, Geek Horror story.
3 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This is a delightful image: "He stores every note of her voice like one of his many favorite songs from the '80s, but he finds himself paralyzed to the realization that his knowledge of girls is still under some overdue development." This seems like a strong foreshadowing: "As the temperature drops, the mist eerily thickens around the couple like an uncontrolled hemorrhage in a body of water." The reader will be back.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2023
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This is a delightful image: "He stores every note of her voice like one of his many favorite songs from the '80s, but he finds himself paralyzed to the realization that his knowledge of girls is still under some overdue development." This seems like a strong foreshadowing: "As the temperature drops, the mist eerily thickens around the couple like an uncontrolled hemorrhage in a body of water." The reader will be back.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2023
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2023
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Thank you for a positive and encouraging review. As an amateur author, this means a lot for me. Thank you
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This group had helped me to improve immensely
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello, you have a good story here. I would do a little editing on the first paragraph as I think you could tighten it up a little, but your characters are easy to visualize and their dialogue is realistic. It held my attention, even though I am unfamiliar with the others. I would recommend it and thanks for sharing your writing, Ana.
The thoughts of the future race inside his mind like a fast-forwarding film until ( a sudden -remove) thought of the girl spark(s-remove) inside him at the moment he walks (past) the (now-redundant) empty phone booth, (the second one from the right- is this necessary? Or, is it a piece of fluff?) (In his mind- we know it's in his mind, remove) (H)e rewinds (back to-remove) where he recalls seeing (the details of-redundant remove) her smile for the first time.*
Within that wandering, (his) emotions begin mixing the (calculable-verbose) possibilities.
Amongst his (infinite-same) thoughts, he makes a (discreet-unnecessary) wish that ( in some way-redundant) the girl could (somehow-redundant) become involved with his uncertain future.
You write that out and see how it tightens your writing up.
If you learn to come to grips with brevity, more people will find your work engaging as its effects are to deliver more of the story quicker and clearer. Some writers make the mistake of wanting to wax lyrical or appear casual, etc, but in truth, they are distancing the reader who is finding they waffle.) My opinion, so nothing I say here changed that rating for a story I enjoyed, Ana.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2018
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Hello, you have a good story here. I would do a little editing on the first paragraph as I think you could tighten it up a little, but your characters are easy to visualize and their dialogue is realistic. It held my attention, even though I am unfamiliar with the others. I would recommend it and thanks for sharing your writing, Ana.
The thoughts of the future race inside his mind like a fast-forwarding film until ( a sudden -remove) thought of the girl spark(s-remove) inside him at the moment he walks (past) the (now-redundant) empty phone booth, (the second one from the right- is this necessary? Or, is it a piece of fluff?) (In his mind- we know it's in his mind, remove) (H)e rewinds (back to-remove) where he recalls seeing (the details of-redundant remove) her smile for the first time.*
Within that wandering, (his) emotions begin mixing the (calculable-verbose) possibilities.
Amongst his (infinite-same) thoughts, he makes a (discreet-unnecessary) wish that ( in some way-redundant) the girl could (somehow-redundant) become involved with his uncertain future.
You write that out and see how it tightens your writing up.
If you learn to come to grips with brevity, more people will find your work engaging as its effects are to deliver more of the story quicker and clearer. Some writers make the mistake of wanting to wax lyrical or appear casual, etc, but in truth, they are distancing the reader who is finding they waffle.) My opinion, so nothing I say here changed that rating for a story I enjoyed, Ana.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2018
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Thank your engaging review. Your encouragement and advise adds to the purpose of this piece that has a personal attachment to my life. I hope you can provide more of your insight in the near future. Grammar has never been a strong in my writing. Thank you again!
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It would be my pleasure and I'm so glad you found it helpful, I spend half an hour on some reviews helping people and they don't give you a backward glance, so thank you for getting back to me. Your nice manners are noted and appreciated, have a lovely day, Ana. (I only spend time on stories that I think have potential and yours is one of them.)
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Thank you! Will do. I work full time. However, I?ve always found writing to be enjoyable and try my hand at it when time allows me to. Again, thank you for your attention.
Comment from lyenochka
Great job with this chapter. It weaves together the past hurts and future hopes as this diary of Eu El opens up a suspenseful time of his life. Wonder who this shadowy figure is!
Suggestions:
I like how you began this with the idea of the film fastforwarding and rewinding. I was a little confused about the "empty" phone booth with the "girl sitting inside." Was it not empty after all?
"from within the noisy group the girl he is thinking of is suddenly emerging. " (might help to put commas after 'girl' and 'of.')
"untimely chuckles...was" (were) plural)
"Eu El's face seems to compliment his reply" (complement)
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2018
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Great job with this chapter. It weaves together the past hurts and future hopes as this diary of Eu El opens up a suspenseful time of his life. Wonder who this shadowy figure is!
Suggestions:
I like how you began this with the idea of the film fastforwarding and rewinding. I was a little confused about the "empty" phone booth with the "girl sitting inside." Was it not empty after all?
"from within the noisy group the girl he is thinking of is suddenly emerging. " (might help to put commas after 'girl' and 'of.')
"untimely chuckles...was" (were) plural)
"Eu El's face seems to compliment his reply" (complement)
Comment Written 07-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2018
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Thank you! Your suggestions are well-noted. My wordings do have a tendency to be off at times. The empty booth triggered a memory of the girl when he passed by it, which was first introduced in chapter 6, "Welcome Day." I appreciate you noting these errors because, I tend to not see them. Again, your assist is greatly valued. Have a blessed week!
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We are all blind to our own errors. Happy that I could help. Bless you!
