Deadly Confession
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Imminent Danger"Family secrets can be your worst nightmare.
11 total reviews
Comment from KatyM
Misty, I was reading your recent chapter and it was so good I needed to go to the beginning to find out what has been going on with the story! I love the way you put the characters names at the bottom of each chapter. I guess I need to do that with my story. :)
Katy
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2018
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Misty, I was reading your recent chapter and it was so good I needed to go to the beginning to find out what has been going on with the story! I love the way you put the characters names at the bottom of each chapter. I guess I need to do that with my story. :)
Katy
Comment Written 15-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2018
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Thank you so much for reading my story, I'm glad you've enjoyed it. If you find any errors, things that don't sound right, please let me know, because I'm still learning too, take care.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mistydawn
I can see this investigation for the detectives is going to very intriguing and not easy to solve.
Great descriptions of the characters and especially Adina Ricci Maroni, Carlos' widow, I have a felling she is hiding something (what?)
Gert
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2018
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Hello Mistydawn
I can see this investigation for the detectives is going to very intriguing and not easy to solve.
Great descriptions of the characters and especially Adina Ricci Maroni, Carlos' widow, I have a felling she is hiding something (what?)
Gert
Comment Written 02-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2018
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Thank you so much for such a fantastic review, I'm honored and very grateful. The police can't figure out what's going on since DNA doesn't lie. Poor Rachel has a target on her back because she can ID the shooter.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship it means so much to me, take care.
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You are welcome Mistydawn
Gert
Comment from Ulla
This is a solid chapter moving the story along. There's certainly no lack of action. The one thing that stood out is that the following should be past tense seeing that he's dead: "Does he have any rivals?" = "Did he have any rivals?"
"He has lots of them. They come to our house every day, demanding Carlos pay them what he owes." = He had lots of them. They came to our house every day, demanding Carlos pay what he owed."
Looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2018
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This is a solid chapter moving the story along. There's certainly no lack of action. The one thing that stood out is that the following should be past tense seeing that he's dead: "Does he have any rivals?" = "Did he have any rivals?"
"He has lots of them. They come to our house every day, demanding Carlos pay them what he owes." = He had lots of them. They came to our house every day, demanding Carlos pay what he owed."
Looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 02-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2018
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Thank you for the wonderful review and for all of your praise. I will change that problem thanks for catching that.
Thank you again for all your help and support, take care.
Comment from apky
I did a quick read here and enjoyed the chapter. Nothing I think would need any special attention at this stage - I'm trying to get acquainted with the characters and their particularly roles and places in the story.
Excellent work.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2018
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I did a quick read here and enjoyed the chapter. Nothing I think would need any special attention at this stage - I'm trying to get acquainted with the characters and their particularly roles and places in the story.
Excellent work.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2018
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Thank you so much for your fantastic review I'm honnored, Grateful. a quick summary of characters. Bruno Greco shady buisnessman raised Luigi and Tito twin boys thinking there his. Luigi knows about the switch wants revenge on the Maroni's for denying him his family lineage, hurting his mom. Leo is Luigi's hit man. Joe is now the captain, Jerry sergeant, Jeff detective, Rachel detective Joe's girlfriend.
Thank you so much for all your help support and friendship it means the world to me, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
getting nowhere fast by the looks of the start of this investigation...
"It could rule you out as a suspect.," Rachel snaps back. - double punctuation before the closing speech marks.
using mouths as a speech tag may not be the best choice. you use it several times. it generally means making the movements without the actual speak, but that's not how you're using it.
Jerry glances up from his computer "Not that I can find, boss,"- insert a period after computer and change the comma to one as well before the closing speech marks.
I noticed that you start a few sentences/paragraphs with a character seeing or noticing someone arrive. Maybe try and change this up a bit.
Straightens up in his seat, he glances towards - perhaps change straightens to Straightening here.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2018
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getting nowhere fast by the looks of the start of this investigation...
"It could rule you out as a suspect.," Rachel snaps back. - double punctuation before the closing speech marks.
using mouths as a speech tag may not be the best choice. you use it several times. it generally means making the movements without the actual speak, but that's not how you're using it.
Jerry glances up from his computer "Not that I can find, boss,"- insert a period after computer and change the comma to one as well before the closing speech marks.
I noticed that you start a few sentences/paragraphs with a character seeing or noticing someone arrive. Maybe try and change this up a bit.
Straightens up in his seat, he glances towards - perhaps change straightens to Straightening here.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2018
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Thank you so much for your very helpful review. Your comments, suggestions are always greatly appreciated and means a lot to me, take care. I will work on your suggestions, with correct puncuation this time, lol.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
So he's the killer. Hm... I wonder why the cops didn't tell the old bitchy Adina they had a right to question her. They let her toss them out. And her son is a real loser... or hippie.
Maybe his twin is really alive?
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
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So he's the killer. Hm... I wonder why the cops didn't tell the old bitchy Adina they had a right to question her. They let her toss them out. And her son is a real loser... or hippie.
Maybe his twin is really alive?
Comment Written 01-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
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Thank you for your wonderful review. Adina and Mrs. Maroni are both pieces of work for sure. It was a struggle for Rachel to keep her temper in check. She can be a sassy thing when provoked, sarcastic too that's why I like her so much why she's in most of my books.
Thank you again for your kind review and all your support, it means so much to me, take care.
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Oh no! The hit-man see's Rachel alone. But I believe Rachel will be able to take care of herself. She's one tough cookie, but not doubt there will be some worries and excitement. Carlos doesn't seem too popular. I saw no errors and enjoyed the new chapter, looking forward to more. Rox
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
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Oh no! The hit-man see's Rachel alone. But I believe Rachel will be able to take care of herself. She's one tough cookie, but not doubt there will be some worries and excitement. Carlos doesn't seem too popular. I saw no errors and enjoyed the new chapter, looking forward to more. Rox
Comment Written 01-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
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Thank you so much for your review I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Rachel is one tough cookie. Her demeanor makes up for her size, lol. That's one thing Joe loves about her, that larger than life attitude.
Thank you again for all your support, your friendship, it means so much to me, take care.
Comment from Sugarray77
You have written another good chapter to the Deadly Confession. Your description and flow kept me engaged and speedily looking for the next clue. Good job on your plot and dialogue between the characters.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2018
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You have written another good chapter to the Deadly Confession. Your description and flow kept me engaged and speedily looking for the next clue. Good job on your plot and dialogue between the characters.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2018
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Thank you again for your kind review and your encouraging words. I'm so glad you're enjoying my story, that means a great deal to me, take care.
Comment from robyn corum
MD,
I haven't been following this story real closely, but I think you're making it clear enough what's going on. Nice job on that. The story seems to be intriguing and worth following - the only issues I'm seeing are with the nuts and bolts of the piece -- grammar and a few repeated 'sore spots' that can be easily fixed.
I've made notes below and I'm hoping they might help as you edit later. Remember, these are only the thoughts, comments and suggestions of one person. You are welcome to use them or toss them, however you see fit. *smile*
Here we go:
1.) be perfect for their social gathers," Jeff informs her,
--> we would say 'social gatherings'
2.) her hired hands when she walks across their drive.
--> also -- 'their' groundskeepers, 'their' workers
--> sounds like these people are working for Jeff and Rachel, though I think they are just arriving at this place for a visit of some sort?? And that all these people would actually be working for the people who live there?
3.) "Yes(.)" She gives the detectives a condescending look while she sizes her up.
--> who is sizing up whom? Is it Rachel sizing up Mrs. Maroni? Or Mrs. Maroni sizing up the detectives?
--> if it's the latter, the use of 'detectives' and sizing 'her' up don't match. She either sizes them both up or just Rachel.
4.) My name is Detective Webb; I'm with the Berryville PD; I need to ask you a few questions about your son."
--> generally semi colons are used to separate two parts of a sentence, wherein each half could stand alone as a sentence in itself. I've never seen three semi-colons used in one sentence. You may want to double-check that?
5.) Now if you'll excuse me, Detectives, I have dinner to prepare." (S)he turns away.
6.) "Why is that?" Rachel questions.
--> the reader can see that this is a question. (More on this below)
7.) "It could rule you out as a suspect(,)" Rachel snaps back.
8.) I guess we better talk to Adina, maybe (see) if she can tell us more."
9.) "You're in for a real treat now(.)" (H)e laughs as he starts his car.
10.) "Why do you say that?" (S)he snaps her seatbelt in place.
11.) "Adrian is one you won't soon forget." When he was a beat cop,
--> Adina?
12.) "Yep, you definitely won't forget her." He laughs.
--> you are arranging/creating a lot of sentences with this formula. Need to switch things up.
--> you have someone make a statement, and then follow it up with 'He laughs', 'He snickers', etc.
13.) Rachel watches two young children play in the dirt when they pull into their drive.
--> same thing --who's drive? If it's Adina's say that, please
14.) Rachel replies; she eyes their faded blue eyesore.
--> 'eye' x 2
15.) "Are you Adina Maroni?" Rachel questions.
--> this is something else I have noticed several times. You ask a question and then say the character 'questions' or 'inquires'. I think that's a bit redundant. The reader can see that she's asking a question. Instead, perhaps add a body movement or something else that helps the reader picture the person and/or the scene : (Ex:)
-->"Are you Adina Maroni?" Rachel questions. (--vs--)
--> Rachel studies the woman before her and then tilts her head to one side. "Are you Adina Maroni?"
--> then there is no need for a speech tag. The reader can tell who's talking AND we get a better image of what the character is doing. This is an example of 'SHOWING' vs 'TELLING', if that makes sense?
16.) "Who wants to know?" she asks.
--> perhaps:
--> The woman stares at Rachel for a moment, then crosses her arms. "Who wants to know?"
17.) I figure it isn't any of my business." (S)he nervously glances around
18.) Detective. He used to have lots of friends until he screwed them out of their life savings," she says (as) she continues to scan the area.
19.) Rachel yells through an open window. Adina (doesn't) answer.
20.) "Get the hell off of my property and stay off," she screams. She slams her window closed.
--> this is another thing I can't help but notice. You have a statement by one character and then a statement by another one, but don't give the second person's name. If we follow the pronoun to the last person mentioned, it would be the first character -- does that make sense? It's always best to identify the characters and make sure the reader always knows who's talking. I realize you don't want to keep saying their names over and over so close together, but you could swap it up, saying something like, 'the heavy woman said', or some other distinguishing feature or action.
21.) "I've already sent officers to his home.(") Joe notices a perplexed look
22.) in such a hurry?" he asks. (H)e straightens up in his seat.
23.) Leo excitedly watches her crawl into the neon.
--> if this is the Neon car, it should be capitalized, please.
I sure hope this helps. Good luck!
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2018
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MD,
I haven't been following this story real closely, but I think you're making it clear enough what's going on. Nice job on that. The story seems to be intriguing and worth following - the only issues I'm seeing are with the nuts and bolts of the piece -- grammar and a few repeated 'sore spots' that can be easily fixed.
I've made notes below and I'm hoping they might help as you edit later. Remember, these are only the thoughts, comments and suggestions of one person. You are welcome to use them or toss them, however you see fit. *smile*
Here we go:
1.) be perfect for their social gathers," Jeff informs her,
--> we would say 'social gatherings'
2.) her hired hands when she walks across their drive.
--> also -- 'their' groundskeepers, 'their' workers
--> sounds like these people are working for Jeff and Rachel, though I think they are just arriving at this place for a visit of some sort?? And that all these people would actually be working for the people who live there?
3.) "Yes(.)" She gives the detectives a condescending look while she sizes her up.
--> who is sizing up whom? Is it Rachel sizing up Mrs. Maroni? Or Mrs. Maroni sizing up the detectives?
--> if it's the latter, the use of 'detectives' and sizing 'her' up don't match. She either sizes them both up or just Rachel.
4.) My name is Detective Webb; I'm with the Berryville PD; I need to ask you a few questions about your son."
--> generally semi colons are used to separate two parts of a sentence, wherein each half could stand alone as a sentence in itself. I've never seen three semi-colons used in one sentence. You may want to double-check that?
5.) Now if you'll excuse me, Detectives, I have dinner to prepare." (S)he turns away.
6.) "Why is that?" Rachel questions.
--> the reader can see that this is a question. (More on this below)
7.) "It could rule you out as a suspect(,)" Rachel snaps back.
8.) I guess we better talk to Adina, maybe (see) if she can tell us more."
9.) "You're in for a real treat now(.)" (H)e laughs as he starts his car.
10.) "Why do you say that?" (S)he snaps her seatbelt in place.
11.) "Adrian is one you won't soon forget." When he was a beat cop,
--> Adina?
12.) "Yep, you definitely won't forget her." He laughs.
--> you are arranging/creating a lot of sentences with this formula. Need to switch things up.
--> you have someone make a statement, and then follow it up with 'He laughs', 'He snickers', etc.
13.) Rachel watches two young children play in the dirt when they pull into their drive.
--> same thing --who's drive? If it's Adina's say that, please
14.) Rachel replies; she eyes their faded blue eyesore.
--> 'eye' x 2
15.) "Are you Adina Maroni?" Rachel questions.
--> this is something else I have noticed several times. You ask a question and then say the character 'questions' or 'inquires'. I think that's a bit redundant. The reader can see that she's asking a question. Instead, perhaps add a body movement or something else that helps the reader picture the person and/or the scene : (Ex:)
-->"Are you Adina Maroni?" Rachel questions. (--vs--)
--> Rachel studies the woman before her and then tilts her head to one side. "Are you Adina Maroni?"
--> then there is no need for a speech tag. The reader can tell who's talking AND we get a better image of what the character is doing. This is an example of 'SHOWING' vs 'TELLING', if that makes sense?
16.) "Who wants to know?" she asks.
--> perhaps:
--> The woman stares at Rachel for a moment, then crosses her arms. "Who wants to know?"
17.) I figure it isn't any of my business." (S)he nervously glances around
18.) Detective. He used to have lots of friends until he screwed them out of their life savings," she says (as) she continues to scan the area.
19.) Rachel yells through an open window. Adina (doesn't) answer.
20.) "Get the hell off of my property and stay off," she screams. She slams her window closed.
--> this is another thing I can't help but notice. You have a statement by one character and then a statement by another one, but don't give the second person's name. If we follow the pronoun to the last person mentioned, it would be the first character -- does that make sense? It's always best to identify the characters and make sure the reader always knows who's talking. I realize you don't want to keep saying their names over and over so close together, but you could swap it up, saying something like, 'the heavy woman said', or some other distinguishing feature or action.
21.) "I've already sent officers to his home.(") Joe notices a perplexed look
22.) in such a hurry?" he asks. (H)e straightens up in his seat.
23.) Leo excitedly watches her crawl into the neon.
--> if this is the Neon car, it should be capitalized, please.
I sure hope this helps. Good luck!
Comment Written 31-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2018
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Thank you so much for your very helpful review. I will try to keep all of that in mind. Maybe add at the bottom of my word list since there's so much to remember. I've made quite a few changes to this chapter the way you suggested.
Thank you again for all your helpful suggestions they are always greatly appreciated, take care.
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You?re welcome. I?ve re-rate.
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Thank you so much.
Comment from fm wright
You explained every character well within your dialogue and prose, except who Adrian is. Otherwise I was able to follow the storyline which though I am not a mystery buff I find your story quite interesting.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2018
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You explained every character well within your dialogue and prose, except who Adrian is. Otherwise I was able to follow the storyline which though I am not a mystery buff I find your story quite interesting.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2018
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Thank you for your kind review. I'm glad you liked my story despite your dislike for mysteries, that in itself is a great compliment.
Adina is Carlos's wife. I thought Mrs. Maroni mentioned that. I'll check.
Thank you again for your wonderful review and your compliment, take care.
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So Adrian and Adina are the same person?
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Yes, I misspelled her name, the reason for your confusion.
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Thank you for clearing that up.
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I'm sorry for causing you so much confusion.
