My Brothers' Keeper
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Family"Rachel feels responsible for her brother.
10 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
I really appreciate the reverence for life that you show us in this family. Normally, a growth even though it might be an unformed fetus, could have been seen as a threat to Rachel's life. But even though her "twin" never did become fully developed, the whole family showed love and care for this life and pray for him. That's a beautiful thing! I like how they protected the children from topics they were too young to understand.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2021
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I really appreciate the reverence for life that you show us in this family. Normally, a growth even though it might be an unformed fetus, could have been seen as a threat to Rachel's life. But even though her "twin" never did become fully developed, the whole family showed love and care for this life and pray for him. That's a beautiful thing! I like how they protected the children from topics they were too young to understand.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much Helen for reading, reviewing and your amazing comments which were beautiful. Hugs and smiles!
Comment from Pantygynt
This must take some coming to terms with. i think you have handled the episode really well. I am playing catch up now following my aquaric adventures on a narrow boat during my vacation. Good to get back into the story again.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2018
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This must take some coming to terms with. i think you have handled the episode really well. I am playing catch up now following my aquaric adventures on a narrow boat during my vacation. Good to get back into the story again.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2018
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Thank you again for reading and reviewing, I am sure you have a lot to catch up. Again welcome back.
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Alie. You have described a family gathering well. You've kept the family members separate and explained a complicated scene to your reader. I can imagine such news would be a shock to everyone. I wonder how often a situation like this occurs. Do you know the statistics? I like how you've ended this chapter with a light comment about Nemo from one of the kids. Marilyn
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2018
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Hi Alie. You have described a family gathering well. You've kept the family members separate and explained a complicated scene to your reader. I can imagine such news would be a shock to everyone. I wonder how often a situation like this occurs. Do you know the statistics? I like how you've ended this chapter with a light comment about Nemo from one of the kids. Marilyn
Comment Written 23-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2018
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Thank you so much Marilyn for reading and reviewing, I appreciate your kind comments. At the time of the incident, which was about 20 years ago, I believe the occurrence was one in 300,000. Relative low but remarkably high to those involved. I thought the Nemo touch was a good idea. (smile)
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Yes, Nemo was a nice touch and a good way to end the chapter. Marilyn
Comment from robyn corum
Alie,
Wow. Can you imagine the feelings and sensations that news like this would provoke? They seemed to handle it well, though. A tight family can handle most anything, don't you think?
The story is coming along nicely, though I do wish you were telling it in deep pov, rather than simply narrating it. I do think it would send the reader further into the story, if that makes sense?
Some notes, if I may?
1.) that a crime could occur in such a peaceful place(no space) .
2.) Someone, or rather a group (of someones,) were rustling cattle from
3.) Just two or three at a time but over time it proved to be a significant number,
close to sixty. This had been going on for a little over six months.
--> Just two or three at a time, but over a period of six months, the number had reached close to sixty.
4.) Phillip(,) with shaking hands(,) held the box,
Thanks so much!
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2018
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Alie,
Wow. Can you imagine the feelings and sensations that news like this would provoke? They seemed to handle it well, though. A tight family can handle most anything, don't you think?
The story is coming along nicely, though I do wish you were telling it in deep pov, rather than simply narrating it. I do think it would send the reader further into the story, if that makes sense?
Some notes, if I may?
1.) that a crime could occur in such a peaceful place(no space) .
2.) Someone, or rather a group (of someones,) were rustling cattle from
3.) Just two or three at a time but over time it proved to be a significant number,
close to sixty. This had been going on for a little over six months.
--> Just two or three at a time, but over a period of six months, the number had reached close to sixty.
4.) Phillip(,) with shaking hands(,) held the box,
Thanks so much!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2018
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Thank you Robyn for reading and reviewing and for you observant constructive comments, I will fix those things in a few minutes.
Comment from poetwatch
Good morning Alie. I was going to read your story last night but I have some eye problems. Nothing serious but bothersome. It's a good story, a good continuation for the (book?) you're writing. I did see a missed space here --morning.Both boys-- other then that good writing, good read. Thank you for sharing,
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2018
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Good morning Alie. I was going to read your story last night but I have some eye problems. Nothing serious but bothersome. It's a good story, a good continuation for the (book?) you're writing. I did see a missed space here --morning.Both boys-- other then that good writing, good read. Thank you for sharing,
Comment Written 21-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2018
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I am glad you enjoyed the chapter. I will fix that in a few minutes, again thanks.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
They handled this well, I think. Smart to isolate the kids, since they didn't need to know about it.
The grandparents, Rachel and Daniel [ , put second comma here] had previously decided to discuss the unexpected brother the next morning. This was to allow grandpa and grandma <-- Grandpa and Grandma, caps
time with the three little ones.
Only use lower-case g if you say "my grandma" or "their grandpa" etc.
"We can [typo: can't] leave the kids [waiting, they] <--need to make two sentences like this: "We can't leave the kids waiting. They have been good, so any further questions..."
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2018
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They handled this well, I think. Smart to isolate the kids, since they didn't need to know about it.
The grandparents, Rachel and Daniel [ , put second comma here] had previously decided to discuss the unexpected brother the next morning. This was to allow grandpa and grandma <-- Grandpa and Grandma, caps
time with the three little ones.
Only use lower-case g if you say "my grandma" or "their grandpa" etc.
"We can [typo: can't] leave the kids [waiting, they] <--need to make two sentences like this: "We can't leave the kids waiting. They have been good, so any further questions..."
Comment Written 21-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2018
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Thanks so much Phyllis for reading and then reviewing. I really appreciate your observant comments. I will fix those things in a moment.
Comment from JDRBAR
Hi again
should not be exposed to the tale, they would be provided with a video in the family room
Period after tale, cap on They.
A sentence completes a thought...That the children should not be exposed to the tale is a complete thought and therefore should end. They would be provided with a video is another complete thought and thus is a separate sentence.
Just two or three at a time but over a period of six months close to sixty.
There is no subject, but the subject can be understood to be "It was" by using a writer's license :) But then a comma should follow the conjunction but as it is introducing a phrase. A phrase cannot stand alone as a sentence.
Someone, or rather a group of someones, were (both someone and group are singular subjects and require the singular verb "was."
close to sixty. (should add "were stolen."
over a period of six months is a prepositional phrase (over is a preposition) and is followed by comma.
I definitely see improvement in those first couple of paragraphs, so please don't get discouraged. Once the concept kicks in, you'll never make the same mistakes again.
Let's keep working on this, okay?
Your friend, Di
Hi aryr.
I have not read any prior chapters to this one, so I can't comment on the story line. But, there are some problems with sentence structure and punctuation. I've listed some of them below.
I hate rating low, but perhaps we can work on this together to raise it up.
should not be exposed to the tale, (PERIOD...next word to be capitalized as new sentence.
old enough to understand, when their parents (comma not needed)
Daniel learned a lot regarding the ranch, the neighbors and the community. (comma after neighbors)
It was surprising to discover that such a peaceful place had a crime rate or even a crime. But it was there. Someone or rather a group were rustling cattle from the neighboring farmers. Just two or three at a time but over time it proved to be a significant number, closed to sixty. (I would suggest rewording this paragraph, improving sentence structure and readability. Maybe...."....discover that a crime could take place in such a peaceful place; yet it happened. Someone, (comma) or rather a group, (comma) (was...subject is singular) rustling. (It was just....time (comma) but over time, it added up to nearly sixty cattle."
Tanya and their children Samantha (Sam) and Peter (Pete), who were the first twins in the family. (comma after children, no comma after (Pete)_
(Until Rachel arrived with her surprise.) When that was finished, (I would eliminate this, starting sentence with "Tim" "Tim then arrived with Claire and the newest granddaughter, Sylvia."
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2018
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Hi again
should not be exposed to the tale, they would be provided with a video in the family room
Period after tale, cap on They.
A sentence completes a thought...That the children should not be exposed to the tale is a complete thought and therefore should end. They would be provided with a video is another complete thought and thus is a separate sentence.
Just two or three at a time but over a period of six months close to sixty.
There is no subject, but the subject can be understood to be "It was" by using a writer's license :) But then a comma should follow the conjunction but as it is introducing a phrase. A phrase cannot stand alone as a sentence.
Someone, or rather a group of someones, were (both someone and group are singular subjects and require the singular verb "was."
close to sixty. (should add "were stolen."
over a period of six months is a prepositional phrase (over is a preposition) and is followed by comma.
I definitely see improvement in those first couple of paragraphs, so please don't get discouraged. Once the concept kicks in, you'll never make the same mistakes again.
Let's keep working on this, okay?
Your friend, Di
Hi aryr.
I have not read any prior chapters to this one, so I can't comment on the story line. But, there are some problems with sentence structure and punctuation. I've listed some of them below.
I hate rating low, but perhaps we can work on this together to raise it up.
should not be exposed to the tale, (PERIOD...next word to be capitalized as new sentence.
old enough to understand, when their parents (comma not needed)
Daniel learned a lot regarding the ranch, the neighbors and the community. (comma after neighbors)
It was surprising to discover that such a peaceful place had a crime rate or even a crime. But it was there. Someone or rather a group were rustling cattle from the neighboring farmers. Just two or three at a time but over time it proved to be a significant number, closed to sixty. (I would suggest rewording this paragraph, improving sentence structure and readability. Maybe...."....discover that a crime could take place in such a peaceful place; yet it happened. Someone, (comma) or rather a group, (comma) (was...subject is singular) rustling. (It was just....time (comma) but over time, it added up to nearly sixty cattle."
Tanya and their children Samantha (Sam) and Peter (Pete), who were the first twins in the family. (comma after children, no comma after (Pete)_
(Until Rachel arrived with her surprise.) When that was finished, (I would eliminate this, starting sentence with "Tim" "Tim then arrived with Claire and the newest granddaughter, Sylvia."
Comment Written 21-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2018
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing and for your observant constructive comments, I will fix those things in a few minutes. Don't worry about the rating, like you I appreciate people telling me about my mistakes.
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Let me know when you fix them and I'll give it another read, okay?
Comment from Aussie
"closed (close) to sixty." I am intrigued with your story. The way you have entwined the native tale with the cowboys. I love cowboy stories; we don't get many of them these days. Well done! "We offered a prayer," maybe this was to put him to rest again?
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2018
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"closed (close) to sixty." I am intrigued with your story. The way you have entwined the native tale with the cowboys. I love cowboy stories; we don't get many of them these days. Well done! "We offered a prayer," maybe this was to put him to rest again?
Comment Written 21-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2018
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Thank you for reading and reviewing and for you kind observant comments. Glad you enjoyed the chapter.
Comment from royowen
I like the background synopsis of your story. From what I can glean from my limited exposure to your story, there's more to it than meets the eye I'm afraid. But beautifully done, great characters and a warmness to the story. What is the lump, discovered by Rachel, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : close(d) to sixty.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2018
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I like the background synopsis of your story. From what I can glean from my limited exposure to your story, there's more to it than meets the eye I'm afraid. But beautifully done, great characters and a warmness to the story. What is the lump, discovered by Rachel, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : close(d) to sixty.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2018
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Thank you so much for reading and then taking the time to review. I am so glad that you enjoyed it, and I appreciate your kind observant comments.
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Most welcome
Comment from Mabaker
Ah, this story is terrific, Alie. Now it is a family event and everyone meets Daniel, the little kids are entertained and Rachal tells a story.
I enjoy these 'family stories. Very well presented. Love U Anne.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2018
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Ah, this story is terrific, Alie. Now it is a family event and everyone meets Daniel, the little kids are entertained and Rachal tells a story.
I enjoy these 'family stories. Very well presented. Love U Anne.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2018
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Thank you my friend for reading and reviewing. I am so glad you are enjoying it. I really appreciate your kind comments and the six stars. Take care, luv u alie.
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You know the drill, sweet sister. When I read you I look at things you write and try to put the same actions in something I am writing. I'll never be 100% but I will keep trying. Love U Anne.
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You know the drill sweet sister. I really do like this story, Love U Anne
