Comment from trumby

Exceptional

I'm very glad that I read this one.
I have been a fair bit of a loner for most of my life. I'm not sure that I'd take this direction though.
With the way that you've developed this excellent story though, I can almost sympathize with him in his loneliness.
Another way out of this would be for him to join Fanstory. He'd have lots of friends then.

 Comment Written 21-Jul-2018

---

reply by the author on 21-Jul-2018

Thanks again for the exceptional rating and your support of this piece. estory

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi there,

Very nice opening paragraph. getting to know what he isn't leads the reader to ask what is he?

I'm not sure you need the warning, there isn't really anything overt. The subject matter is risqué but that's about it.

a pretty blond named Sally - generally blonde for female, blond for male.

I did notice a few times, especially around the speech tags that you rely a little on adverbs.

Was it a conscious decision to leave out Krystal's age?

and they could send them into a fashion magazine He imagined her in a bikini - need a full stop / /period after magazine.

The day of their adventurer, Pete had his car washed - just adventure here.

Good write and very well handled.
G

 Comment Written 19-Jul-2018

---

reply by the author on 19-Jul-2018

Thanks for the excellent review and your comments and suggestions. I wasn't sure how to describe this; it is adult, and I wasn't sure if people needed to be warned of the subject matter. But most people seem to think it doesn't need the warning, so I took it off. I will look at the nuts and bolts issues. I wanted this to have a lot of distance between reader and characters; I don't want you to identify with them, just see them in perspective, so I chose this dry, journalistic style in the rendering. The psychological forces behind behavior have always been a big interest of mine, so controversial or not, I decided to do this story, and I am glad you thought it was a good write. estory

Comment from Y. M. Roger

Excellent

A very well-written and psychologically insightful piece. Your depiction of a life lived that would predispose both individuals to participate in such an unbelievable scenario REALLY brings home the believability of it when couched so eloquently .... A sad indictment of the human condition of isolation growing faster than ever in our increasingly technology -centered society!

Be sure to fix "adventurer" to be 'adventure'...;) ;)

Thank you for this endeavor! :) ;)

 Comment Written 18-Jul-2018

---

reply by the author on 19-Jul-2018

Thanks for the excellent review and your comments supporting this story. I am glad that what I was trying to say in this piece, came across so well. At least for some; I know its a controversial subject, and it seems to have a limited audience so far, but that's the way it goes sometimes. It isn't really a piece with wide appeal. But a part of suburban life nowadays, I am afraid. The next one will be mercifully upbeat. estory

Comment from Swampfox1

Excellent

All I can say is what a story! I enjoyed it beginning to end. I am attracted to the story because I was somewhat like the guy when I was real young. I enjoyed the end the most and I also enjoyed when Krystal began sitting next to him at lunch. I did not see any errors. It held my interest beginning to end and it is well written. Thanks for sharing. Have a great day.

 Comment Written 18-Jul-2018

---

reply by the author on 19-Jul-2018

Thanks for the excellent review and your comments and perspective on the story. I am satisfied that it held your attention, that it seemed life like. It is a difficult, tragic story, not really of wide appeal I suppose, but a suburban tragedy none the less, so I decided to include it in this collection. The next one will be much more upbeat. You have to have a little light now and again. estory

reply by Swampfox1 on 19-Jul-2018

You're welcome and you are correct. Got to have a little light now and then or else it will grow dim

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

Hi estory, may I start right off to say that you take the mature warning away. There's absolutely no need for that, and you will lose a lot of reviews. There's nothing daring about this wonderful piece of writing. It's a bitter sweet story and I liked it a lot. I can see where your inspiration came from.
The only thing I can say is that I would have liked to see more dialogue, but then again, it's fine as it is. But please do get rid of the mature warning. No need for it whatsoever. All the best. Ulla:)))

 Comment Written 18-Jul-2018

---

reply by the author on 19-Jul-2018

Thanks for the excellent review and for your comments and suggestions. After more than one person told me to take off the warning, I agreed. I wasn't sure how to present this; it might be offensive for some, certainly it is adult, mature subject matter, and controversial. But the psychological forces behind behavior have always interested me, and this was an opportunity to bring that across. I wanted this to have perspective, to keep distance between reader and characters; hence the dry, journalistic style. I want to ask questions about why and how this happened, and empathy for the characters might get in the way. The dialogue opens up towards the end. I think if you read between the lines, there is more there than meets the eye. estory

reply by Ulla on 19-Jul-2018

Hi Estory, I totally understand what you're saying, but the warning on the site is for explicit sexual content of which yours have none. Yes, I did read between the lines. It's a fine piece you've written and thought provoking.:))

Comment from Mustang Patty

Excellent

Hi there,

This is a difficult story to read, but one DOES wonder how these things happen. Here in OR, about fifteen years ago, a coach and one of his baseball players, a sixteen-year-old girl took off and went across the country together. About six months later, they were found in TN. They had a fender bender, and when the cops asked for his ID, they found out he was wanted in OR.

They were brought back here, and he is serving a twenty-year sentence. NOTHING happened to the girl, and she is now married with children of her own.

You brought a lot of compassion to the story and told the tale well. Thank you for sharing,

~patty~

 Comment Written 18-Jul-2018

---

reply by the author on 19-Jul-2018

Thanks for the excellent review and for your comments and perspective on the story. I have always been interested in the psychological forces behind behavior, and interpersonal relationships, so this story was an opportunity to express that. This sort of thing seems to happen every once in a while; I think I vaguely recall the episode you mentioned; this one was based on a couple from Tennessee. Then there was another case involving a kid who went to Mexico with her teacher on a spring break trip and disappeared. I wanted this to have a lot of perspective, distance between reader and characters, so I chose a dry, journalistic style in rendering the characters; its only near the end that they open up and there is more dialogue. I am glad you found this difficult piece interesting. The next one will be much more upbeat. you have to have a little light now and again. estory