Aimin for the Heart
An adventure about a vampire hunter's foray into love22 total reviews
Comment from LaFrance
You have an interesting thriller happening. I think your story is strong until you get to the bar; where did she go to change her clothes; you had her as a non-drinker, then why did she order a coke encase she needed to be a designated driver; where did she leave her weapon? then have it again. I like the lily symbolizes as once human.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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You have an interesting thriller happening. I think your story is strong until you get to the bar; where did she go to change her clothes; you had her as a non-drinker, then why did she order a coke encase she needed to be a designated driver; where did she leave her weapon? then have it again. I like the lily symbolizes as once human.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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Appreciate your comments and rating. I am considering going back in and making some corrections.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This could be a really good story if you could sort out the punctuation a bit. Not putting the comma in, or not putting them in the in the right place can change the meaning of the sentence totally. I like the way you have gone on a different route to the normal vampire stories, your vampires can do a lot more than the others I've read. That's really good, A vampire having babies? Brilliant idea!! Well done. :)
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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This could be a really good story if you could sort out the punctuation a bit. Not putting the comma in, or not putting them in the in the right place can change the meaning of the sentence totally. I like the way you have gone on a different route to the normal vampire stories, your vampires can do a lot more than the others I've read. That's really good, A vampire having babies? Brilliant idea!! Well done. :)
Comment Written 13-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Thank you for your rating. You're right. I should have checked my punctuation more closely.
Comment from pbomar1115
I'm not sure what Artemis is. I'm thinking she's a vampire looking for a mate, which would be a vampire. She speaks of her mother meeting her SOUL mate. Also, in this world vampires have babies. Cool.
Phillip
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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I'm not sure what Artemis is. I'm thinking she's a vampire looking for a mate, which would be a vampire. She speaks of her mother meeting her SOUL mate. Also, in this world vampires have babies. Cool.
Phillip
Comment Written 13-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Thank you for your rating. I guess I needed to be more clear. She's supposed to be a vampire hunter. She's looking for a man that has strong attributes towards her line of work.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Van
Great story.
My name is Artemis Aims. (excellent name. Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt)
My family [have]has been hunters for uncounted
My eyes equal to that of my prey's[,] I keep to these unnoticed
are useful[,] to an extent[,] in lowering
Those such as I [,]though[,] know what places they like best.
the sucker's[,] heart I make my way
As before[,] the corpse is quickly turned to ash.
This piece is riddled with prepositional phrases that would be stronger if they were punctuated differently. While some of them are not 'wrong' per se, they do have a tendency to detract from the force of the phrases intent if the pause isn't accentuated by an actual comma. And for the phrase directly above this paragraph, without the comma after 'before' the meaning gets muddled.
I'd recommend a proofread to find all prepositional phrases and analyze their placement within the sentence for punctuation.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Great story.
My name is Artemis Aims. (excellent name. Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt)
My family [have]has been hunters for uncounted
My eyes equal to that of my prey's[,] I keep to these unnoticed
are useful[,] to an extent[,] in lowering
Those such as I [,]though[,] know what places they like best.
the sucker's[,] heart I make my way
As before[,] the corpse is quickly turned to ash.
This piece is riddled with prepositional phrases that would be stronger if they were punctuated differently. While some of them are not 'wrong' per se, they do have a tendency to detract from the force of the phrases intent if the pause isn't accentuated by an actual comma. And for the phrase directly above this paragraph, without the comma after 'before' the meaning gets muddled.
I'd recommend a proofread to find all prepositional phrases and analyze their placement within the sentence for punctuation.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the review and rating. Yes, I agree, the story could have been better punctuated.
Comment from cajunjoe
A novel on the same level as Count Dracula, certainly the same subject matter, I can guarantee that. I like the cross bow, I llike the silver handled, silver-bladed axe, wow! Then how he conceals the body before the very eyes of the cop. Very well done. Have a good day
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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A novel on the same level as Count Dracula, certainly the same subject matter, I can guarantee that. I like the cross bow, I llike the silver handled, silver-bladed axe, wow! Then how he conceals the body before the very eyes of the cop. Very well done. Have a good day
Comment Written 12-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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Thank you for your wonderful rating and review. Much appreciated!
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you're welcome
Comment from Shanbreen
I have nothing against a gory story. I actually like some of them, but unfortunately, I found this to be full of writing problems, the punctuation, the lack of any arresting thoughts, the creation of emotions, etc., although you do provide a vivid imagery.
For example,
Connecting the two pieces I then swing the axe in a downward arc.
You don't need "then".
"As I do someone grabs for me from behind." Need a comma after do.
I think with a bit of polishing, it can be a lot better.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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I have nothing against a gory story. I actually like some of them, but unfortunately, I found this to be full of writing problems, the punctuation, the lack of any arresting thoughts, the creation of emotions, etc., although you do provide a vivid imagery.
For example,
Connecting the two pieces I then swing the axe in a downward arc.
You don't need "then".
"As I do someone grabs for me from behind." Need a comma after do.
I think with a bit of polishing, it can be a lot better.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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Thank you for your rating and your remarks.
Comment from Insignificant Weed
If you like blood and gore, then this is the story for you. In an attempt to provide positive feedback for this entry, I do not want the author to take this personally. This piece has countless editorial errors. Most of them are regarding the use of commas with introductory phrases and joining sentences incorrectly. In this example: "My eyes equal to that of my prey's I keep to these unnoticed . . ." - you need a comma after "prey's" - it is the end of an introductory phrase. The same with both of these: "Instantly pulling the trigger of my crossbow I release the bolt." - you need a comma after "crossbow" as it is the end of an introductory phrase. Here: "Satisfied that it had pierced the sucker's heart I make my way down." - you need a comma at the end of the introductory phrase after "heart"
In this one: "Once on the ground I make my way to my fallen adversary . . ." you need a comma after "ground" to end the introductory phrase.
Here you have joined two sentences with a coordinating conjunction without a comma: "The others drop off till only three of us remain and one of them is a the bloodsucker I was sworn to slay." -there should be a comma after "remain" because you are using the coordinating conjunction "and."
This is strictly my opinion and don't want to take you from your original plan, but I find the injection of going to the bar a little out of place. I'm thinking that vampires and monsters of the dark like to hang out in alley ways, underground tunnels, spooky houses or old dead trees. The flow of the plot is a little disjointed and I had difficulty following the events as they evolve. If you want total blood and gore this is great entry. Let's get this girl hooked up with her future mate!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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If you like blood and gore, then this is the story for you. In an attempt to provide positive feedback for this entry, I do not want the author to take this personally. This piece has countless editorial errors. Most of them are regarding the use of commas with introductory phrases and joining sentences incorrectly. In this example: "My eyes equal to that of my prey's I keep to these unnoticed . . ." - you need a comma after "prey's" - it is the end of an introductory phrase. The same with both of these: "Instantly pulling the trigger of my crossbow I release the bolt." - you need a comma after "crossbow" as it is the end of an introductory phrase. Here: "Satisfied that it had pierced the sucker's heart I make my way down." - you need a comma at the end of the introductory phrase after "heart"
In this one: "Once on the ground I make my way to my fallen adversary . . ." you need a comma after "ground" to end the introductory phrase.
Here you have joined two sentences with a coordinating conjunction without a comma: "The others drop off till only three of us remain and one of them is a the bloodsucker I was sworn to slay." -there should be a comma after "remain" because you are using the coordinating conjunction "and."
This is strictly my opinion and don't want to take you from your original plan, but I find the injection of going to the bar a little out of place. I'm thinking that vampires and monsters of the dark like to hang out in alley ways, underground tunnels, spooky houses or old dead trees. The flow of the plot is a little disjointed and I had difficulty following the events as they evolve. If you want total blood and gore this is great entry. Let's get this girl hooked up with her future mate!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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I thank you for taking your time to read it.
Comment from diamondbogle
I really enjoyed this. It had nice flow and great use of imagery. It had a lot of emotion in it as well. Overall really great work. I love werewolves and this was really good. Like underworld but not. Also really loved the name Artemis and the fact she's a hunter.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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I really enjoyed this. It had nice flow and great use of imagery. It had a lot of emotion in it as well. Overall really great work. I love werewolves and this was really good. Like underworld but not. Also really loved the name Artemis and the fact she's a hunter.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the rating and the review. Much appreciated.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
Artemis is a monster hunter whose time has now come to produce the next generation. She now not only quests after vampires and other such creatures but her soul mate. ' I loved the use of the first person and this horror thriller is right up my street. This felt very authentic to me. I loved reading it and will read more from you, well done love and regards Meia x
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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Artemis is a monster hunter whose time has now come to produce the next generation. She now not only quests after vampires and other such creatures but her soul mate. ' I loved the use of the first person and this horror thriller is right up my street. This felt very authentic to me. I loved reading it and will read more from you, well done love and regards Meia x
Comment Written 11-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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Greatly appreciate your review and your rating. I am grateful for your kind words.
Comment from Hugh McDowell
Very well written. Has smooth flow and pace. Held my interest all the way through. Made me want to see where it went from here. I do have a question. This line doesn't quite make sense to me; "The lycans are useful to an extent in lowering the population of the blood drinkers, but then they become the problem so hunters like myself are the only real solution." Once the lycan kill the vamps does the hunter go after them? Or does the hunter go after both? Not sure from what you've written how the hunters are the real solution. That aside, excellent work. Hugh
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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Very well written. Has smooth flow and pace. Held my interest all the way through. Made me want to see where it went from here. I do have a question. This line doesn't quite make sense to me; "The lycans are useful to an extent in lowering the population of the blood drinkers, but then they become the problem so hunters like myself are the only real solution." Once the lycan kill the vamps does the hunter go after them? Or does the hunter go after both? Not sure from what you've written how the hunters are the real solution. That aside, excellent work. Hugh
Comment Written 11-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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Sorry about the confusion. My hunters go after lycans when they become an actual problem. Thank you for bringing this oversight into the light. I guess it just didn't have that much to do with the main current situation I was trying to write about. I only mentioned it as my hunter's reasoning for doing what she and her family had done for generations.
