Dr. Benjamin's DEEP Secret
It really wasn't much of a secret after all...6 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
Very unusual. I am glad that your scientist was saved to fight another day. *smile* He sounds like a clever one that might be needed in this world. haha!
Thanks and good luck in the voting - so far this is the best I've read.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2018
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Dear Mystery Writer,
Very unusual. I am glad that your scientist was saved to fight another day. *smile* He sounds like a clever one that might be needed in this world. haha!
Thanks and good luck in the voting - so far this is the best I've read.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2018
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Thank you so very much for your review, Robyn! :) :) I had fun with Dr. Ben and Lexus -- it was my alternative to the tendency to "go dark" on the theme of something like "deep secret" -- just couldn't do "dark" this weekend!! :) :) Thank you for those wonderful stars and enjoy the week ahead! :)
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I enjoyed this piece. The story holds up well, and it is a different tack from the normal selection of stories which is a good thing. Nice interpretation.
"The water's broken through on levels ell and ehm, Dr. Ben. We need to get--" The closing speech marks here have become inverted. this happens when you put in the dash then close the marks. The quick fix id to delete the dash, close the speech marks and then re-insert the dash. it's something the programme does which is a pain. (this happens later on as well)
he hated that damned computer AI- computer may be a little redundant here given it's AI.
Hey! There's something he might not have known had that annoying computer voice not told him...arrrgh!- this is in italics so I think it's direct thought? Especially given the arrrgh!. if so it wouldn't be 'he' but 'I'. and me rather than him.
I'm wondering if you need to spell out the letters rather than just using L,M, or J.
even some loud, muffled popping - does muffled go with loud?
"DEEP's equipment bay is up the ladder behind you, Dr. Ben," turning, he looked up at the hatchway overhead.- this should really be two sentences as one is dialogue belonging to the Ai, whilst the other is Tom's actions.
"No time to discuss a secret, " the AI continued, "We need you u--"- we should be lower case as it is continuing dialogue. Neither the previous sentence of dialogue or tag is closed off.
words that make the most sense to it at any given time......- when using the ellipsis, it's normally three for trailing off or short break, or four when it's a longer break. it's best not to use more.
GMG
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2018
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Hi there,
I enjoyed this piece. The story holds up well, and it is a different tack from the normal selection of stories which is a good thing. Nice interpretation.
"The water's broken through on levels ell and ehm, Dr. Ben. We need to get--" The closing speech marks here have become inverted. this happens when you put in the dash then close the marks. The quick fix id to delete the dash, close the speech marks and then re-insert the dash. it's something the programme does which is a pain. (this happens later on as well)
he hated that damned computer AI- computer may be a little redundant here given it's AI.
Hey! There's something he might not have known had that annoying computer voice not told him...arrrgh!- this is in italics so I think it's direct thought? Especially given the arrrgh!. if so it wouldn't be 'he' but 'I'. and me rather than him.
I'm wondering if you need to spell out the letters rather than just using L,M, or J.
even some loud, muffled popping - does muffled go with loud?
"DEEP's equipment bay is up the ladder behind you, Dr. Ben," turning, he looked up at the hatchway overhead.- this should really be two sentences as one is dialogue belonging to the Ai, whilst the other is Tom's actions.
"No time to discuss a secret, " the AI continued, "We need you u--"- we should be lower case as it is continuing dialogue. Neither the previous sentence of dialogue or tag is closed off.
words that make the most sense to it at any given time......- when using the ellipsis, it's normally three for trailing off or short break, or four when it's a longer break. it's best not to use more.
GMG
Comment Written 08-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2018
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Thanx for the review and the input, sir! :) :) Wasn't even gonna respond to the prompt yesterday -- something like "deep secret" seems to really pull out the dark and the forbidden and such from the writers here, and, well, I really just didn't want to go there yesterday. Sometimes? yeah. But yesterday wasn't one of those times. But then this idea just hit me when it was getting close to time to get dinner started and nightly routine and such....so, I guess I just didn't have the time to do the proofing/etc I should have done. I actually had fun writing it,though!! :) :) :) I do appreciate your taking the time with it -- have a wonderful Sunday! :) :)
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Wanted to say thanks again -- I put in some of those edits and great advice on the closing marks! I've had that problem in the past. :( Anyway, thanx and have a great week!
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Cool. A pleasure. G
Comment from Zue65
Again, I salute and bow to the creativity of many prose writers here. I have to admit, I will never be able to write fantastic stories like this one. Thank you for sharing your talent to the readers.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2018
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Again, I salute and bow to the creativity of many prose writers here. I have to admit, I will never be able to write fantastic stories like this one. Thank you for sharing your talent to the readers.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2018
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Thank you so very much for your review and for those wonderful stars! :) :) I did so enjoy writing this one! :) Have a great week ahead! :)
Comment from pbomar1115
Working with a talking computer has to be the worst situation when your life is in near the end. No, I take that back. The worst is working with a poorly functioning computer when your life is at the end.
Phillip
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2018
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Working with a talking computer has to be the worst situation when your life is in near the end. No, I take that back. The worst is working with a poorly functioning computer when your life is at the end.
Phillip
Comment Written 07-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2018
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Ha!! And oh, how right you are, sir!! :) :) I really wasn't even going to write for "a deep secret" prompt, but I was sitting, relaxing on the front porch and "bam!" a way to write for it without getting all dark and mushy and forbidden and........well, sometimes my mind just doesn't want to go to those places, you know? :) :) Other times? Yeah. But today just wasn't one of those -- I'm glad you enjoyed it!! :) :) :) Thank you so very much for your review, meeshu, and those wonderful stars! :) :) :)
Comment from royowen
I enjoyed this response to the competition's prompt. I like the process of this fictional storyline, it's almost like a science fiction story. Two characters, Ben and the computer, expletive laden Ben seems to hate everything from bolony sandwiches to emotionless computers, but never less the story works well, good plot, on emotion-driven character and a computer, well done, good job, good luck, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2018
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I enjoyed this response to the competition's prompt. I like the process of this fictional storyline, it's almost like a science fiction story. Two characters, Ben and the computer, expletive laden Ben seems to hate everything from bolony sandwiches to emotionless computers, but never less the story works well, good plot, on emotion-driven character and a computer, well done, good job, good luck, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 07-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2018
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Thank you so very much for your review, Roy, and those wonderful stars! :) :) :) I really wasn't even going to write for "a deep secret" prompt, but I was sitting, relaxing on the front porch and "bam!" a way to write for it without getting all dark and mushy and forbidden and........well, sometimes my mind just doesn't want to go to those places, you know? :) :) Other times? Yeah. But today just wasn't one of those -- I'm glad you enjoyed it!! :) :) :)
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My pleasure. well done
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My pleasure. well done
Comment from meeshu
it is amazingly creative given the prompt you were given, I can guarantee no one else went this direction. really enjoyable and original..
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2018
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it is amazingly creative given the prompt you were given, I can guarantee no one else went this direction. really enjoyable and original..
Comment Written 07-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2018
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Thank you so very much for your review, meeshu, and those wonderful stars! :) :) :) I really wasn't even going to write for "a deep secret" prompt, but I was sitting, relaxing on the front porch and "bam!" a way to write for it without getting all dark and mushy and forbidden and........well, sometimes my mind just doesn't want to go to those places, you know? :) :) Other times? Yeah. But today just wasn't one of those -- I'm glad you enjoyed it!! :) :) :)
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I know of what you speak. I sit on my back porch and think "well, the last five have been dark or philosophical, so today I write something happy. amazingly I usually pull it off, too.
