Short Stories and Flash
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "My Confession"Misc Fiction
15 total reviews
Comment from Scarbrems
Brilliant. You really should write more prose. Absolutely loved it, even the ending. Such a well-crafted story, with a neat little twist. Believable, well written, and I wish I'd written it.
Just a couple of small things -
'Just deserts' - desserts
'pooh' - poo.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2018
  |
Brilliant. You really should write more prose. Absolutely loved it, even the ending. Such a well-crafted story, with a neat little twist. Believable, well written, and I wish I'd written it.
Just a couple of small things -
'Just deserts' - desserts
'pooh' - poo.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2018
-
Gee, I'm speechless. High praise indeed. I'm so pleased you enjoyed it, Emma. Well, maybe I will If I can be assured only YOU review it. LOL There's controversy over deserts/desserts according to Google. But I'll fix "Poo". I'm fixated on Winnie the ... :))
Thanks a million! mike
-
Yeah well, I'm fixated on puddings, obviously. mmm, dessert ...
-
Butterscotch would do at the moment. :))
-
Yeah...butterscotch. Great, I'll be thinking about that all day now.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You had me from the very beginning. I was hanging on to every word. I couldn't wait to see what would come next. Good luck with the contest.
That little girl standing right next to him, too (right beside him, has to do with definition.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2018
|
You had me from the very beginning. I was hanging on to every word. I couldn't wait to see what would come next. Good luck with the contest.
That little girl standing right next to him, too (right beside him, has to do with definition.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2018
-
Wow. A six from you is enough to make me think of maybe writing ANOTHER story sometime soon. LOL I'm so pleased you enjoyed and humbled by your awesome review. Thanks a million. mike :))
-
You're very talented.
-
As are you. :))
-
Thank you.
Comment from robyn corum
Oh, Michael,
I'm afraid you're going to hate me after this one is over. *smile* It took me a couple/three readings to finally get what you were trying to say.
I hate it, but I'm gonna share what I think with you -- on accounta I'm thinking you're a big boy who can take it and not hate me afterwards. I'm hoping so, anyway. I'm afraid you're either fixin' to love me ... or mute me. *smile* (I'm being humorous, but I really do hope you won't get offended. )
Here's the thing - you are a much better writer than this post would imply. One of the things you'll find me repeating over and over when I review/edit, is to 'tell it in order' -- and I'm wondering if you have thought out the progression of this story well enough. (sorry!)
First, I'm going to go over the more 'obvious' nits, if I may?
1.) It was a dark and stormy night. It was the kind of dark that has an agenda and a storm born of my regret.
--> Cumbersome and slightly awkward --
--> It was a dark and stormy night; the kind of dark that speaks of hidden agendas, and those storms that rage with regret.
2.) I could open my eyes, but they'd long since not recognized light.
--> I could open my eyes, but they'd long since become much more accustomed to darkness.
--> I'm about the setting here. When is this story taking place? Is he writing it from a jail cell? If so, when is he saying he 'could open his eyes'? -- during those moments of molestation or now - in the jail?
3.) what did they matter to a life tossed to the maelstrom of murderous rage(?)
--> what about a life 'lost' to the maelstrom? Which would seem to describe his situation a bit better, in hindsight
4.) A serving of just des(s)erts, wasn't that my mindset?
5.) It may have simply looked ludicrously insane to an adult. To a three-year-old boy, it embodied terror incarnate.
--> 'looked'? What looked? Perhaps 'sounded' - if you are speaking about a reaction to the mother's words?
6.) "The Mighty One turned Lot to stone for daring to glance at wickedness.
--> turned Lot's wife to a pillar of salt
7.) children think whatever happens to them is normal for they (know) not the difference.
8.) One terrified (of?) the truth of the twisted storm
9.) do them and add, "I'll get you(,) my pretty!" in her
10.) My sister, had left a few years earlier.
--> no comma, please
11.) Well, I was a bit of a hell(-)raiser(,) I suppose.
12.) but being the angrier (of the two) as a rule, I did the time.
--> though I do not see why the angrier one would be punished heavier. It just seems like they would be punished the same, the one who started it would be in more trouble OR the one who caused the most 'damage', maybe
13.) Yours truly, Mr. Dependable, drying out in county jail on a ninety(-)day stay over on some trumped up charge ... aren't they all?
--> not 'over on', please. Just leave it as the 'ninety-day stay' ON some...
--> 'aren't they all?' - does this refer to the charges?
14.) My mom and pop made the mistake of being there.
--> not from their perspective
15.) "I'll get you(,) my pretty!"
16.) "I tell ya, Billy, he didn't raise an eyebrow.
--> since this is drastically changing the storyline, please let the reader know by skipping a few lines and perhaps adding a series of stars -- ***
17.) dead as hell. Him, like a day at the office(.)"
--> the punctuation goes INSIDE the q marks
18.) He's over there now, writing out his confession(.)"
19.) My Confession (your title)
Since you are writing this from this character's pov and not in first person (using 'I' as the character) I would change this to 'The Confession'
20.) Just as a weird note - when this came to my message box, it was/is called:
We(')re Not in Oz Anymore.
I am going to be TOTALLY inappropriate and send you a PM with what I would like to see you do with this story. You are welcome to scream at me and tell me how horrible I am. *smile*
So, this review isn't actually over until you receive that part. UGh. I know. I am a horrible human being. But I hope you understand that this comes from a good place in my heart - no, for real. Be patient with me and then, just remember, you can delete all of it after I'm done.
On to the rest--
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2018
  |
Oh, Michael,
I'm afraid you're going to hate me after this one is over. *smile* It took me a couple/three readings to finally get what you were trying to say.
I hate it, but I'm gonna share what I think with you -- on accounta I'm thinking you're a big boy who can take it and not hate me afterwards. I'm hoping so, anyway. I'm afraid you're either fixin' to love me ... or mute me. *smile* (I'm being humorous, but I really do hope you won't get offended. )
Here's the thing - you are a much better writer than this post would imply. One of the things you'll find me repeating over and over when I review/edit, is to 'tell it in order' -- and I'm wondering if you have thought out the progression of this story well enough. (sorry!)
First, I'm going to go over the more 'obvious' nits, if I may?
1.) It was a dark and stormy night. It was the kind of dark that has an agenda and a storm born of my regret.
--> Cumbersome and slightly awkward --
--> It was a dark and stormy night; the kind of dark that speaks of hidden agendas, and those storms that rage with regret.
2.) I could open my eyes, but they'd long since not recognized light.
--> I could open my eyes, but they'd long since become much more accustomed to darkness.
--> I'm about the setting here. When is this story taking place? Is he writing it from a jail cell? If so, when is he saying he 'could open his eyes'? -- during those moments of molestation or now - in the jail?
3.) what did they matter to a life tossed to the maelstrom of murderous rage(?)
--> what about a life 'lost' to the maelstrom? Which would seem to describe his situation a bit better, in hindsight
4.) A serving of just des(s)erts, wasn't that my mindset?
5.) It may have simply looked ludicrously insane to an adult. To a three-year-old boy, it embodied terror incarnate.
--> 'looked'? What looked? Perhaps 'sounded' - if you are speaking about a reaction to the mother's words?
6.) "The Mighty One turned Lot to stone for daring to glance at wickedness.
--> turned Lot's wife to a pillar of salt
7.) children think whatever happens to them is normal for they (know) not the difference.
8.) One terrified (of?) the truth of the twisted storm
9.) do them and add, "I'll get you(,) my pretty!" in her
10.) My sister, had left a few years earlier.
--> no comma, please
11.) Well, I was a bit of a hell(-)raiser(,) I suppose.
12.) but being the angrier (of the two) as a rule, I did the time.
--> though I do not see why the angrier one would be punished heavier. It just seems like they would be punished the same, the one who started it would be in more trouble OR the one who caused the most 'damage', maybe
13.) Yours truly, Mr. Dependable, drying out in county jail on a ninety(-)day stay over on some trumped up charge ... aren't they all?
--> not 'over on', please. Just leave it as the 'ninety-day stay' ON some...
--> 'aren't they all?' - does this refer to the charges?
14.) My mom and pop made the mistake of being there.
--> not from their perspective
15.) "I'll get you(,) my pretty!"
16.) "I tell ya, Billy, he didn't raise an eyebrow.
--> since this is drastically changing the storyline, please let the reader know by skipping a few lines and perhaps adding a series of stars -- ***
17.) dead as hell. Him, like a day at the office(.)"
--> the punctuation goes INSIDE the q marks
18.) He's over there now, writing out his confession(.)"
19.) My Confession (your title)
Since you are writing this from this character's pov and not in first person (using 'I' as the character) I would change this to 'The Confession'
20.) Just as a weird note - when this came to my message box, it was/is called:
We(')re Not in Oz Anymore.
I am going to be TOTALLY inappropriate and send you a PM with what I would like to see you do with this story. You are welcome to scream at me and tell me how horrible I am. *smile*
So, this review isn't actually over until you receive that part. UGh. I know. I am a horrible human being. But I hope you understand that this comes from a good place in my heart - no, for real. Be patient with me and then, just remember, you can delete all of it after I'm done.
On to the rest--
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2018
-
I can only imagine what you'd "Like" to see me do with it. LOL But you have to remember, I don't have the flexibility I did in my youth. :))
This is great, A great deal of this is quite useful. I did zip this out and didn't edit which you can see. That punctuation thing inside the quotes I hear both ways with equal passion. I've been putting question marks and exclamation points IN and periods OUT. But I do get admonished no matter which way I do it.
Some of the language is based on the character himself and what I perceive as his education level and language that he'd use. Of course, some of it is just poor writing that needs correction.
I'll keep this review and hope to get to an edit when I find the time. I hope sooner than later since it's a contest, but, I shouldn't have entered in the first place in such haste. Oh well, I haven't written prose in ages. It was still fun even though the story came out a little warped. :))
A great review in my opinion. Can't complain about stars when you put this much effort into helping out. I thank you sincerely. mike
-
Thank you for your graciousness, Mikey. But you haven't seen the rest of it yet! Be kind to me?
-
Well, I'm a MAN. Aren't we known for our grace and sensitivity? LOL
-
duh. guess I look stupid now, huh?
-
Oh of course not. People are commonly screamed at and muted for saying the slightest criticism here, helpful or not. I don't blame you in the slightest for being a little apprehensive. I think we're all a little gun shy. It's too bad, because a lot of us are friends and we really shouldn't worry at all, yes? mike
-
To set the record straight --
When you have normal, regular, every-day conversation, the punctuation ALWAYS goes inside the q marks.
There are rare situations where this doesn't apply, but logic will help you decide.
Here's the info:
(https://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp)
Rule 4. Periods and commas ALWAYS go inside quotation marks.
Examples:
The sign said, "Walk." Then it said, "Don't Walk," then, "Walk," all within thirty seconds.
He yelled, "Hurry up."
Rule 5a. The placement of question marks with quotation marks follows logic. If a question is within the quoted material, a question mark should be placed inside the quotation marks.
Examples:
She asked, "Will you still be my friend?"
-->The question Will you still be my friend? is part of the quotation.
Do you agree with the saying, "All's fair in love and war"?
-->The question Do you agree with the saying? is outside the quotation.
-
May I be nosy?
When I was reading your post and having some difficulties figuring out if it was just me or what - I read through your other reviews. I couldn't help but notice that Gloria had commented on the post -- in it, she called YOU 'Mav' and SHE signed the review as 'Ange.'
What's going on?
-
Absolutely!
-
Nothing. Nicknames. :))
-
Cool. I thought I was so off target knowing you guys. haha! I thought y'all were REALLY incognito.
Sorry to butt in. Can't help myself.
Comment from country ranch writer
A savior to save the young child from the clutches of the wicked witch from hell saving her from what went on in the house in that room over and over when he was young.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2018
|
A savior to save the young child from the clutches of the wicked witch from hell saving her from what went on in the house in that room over and over when he was young.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2018
-
Hi there, good to see you. Haven't written a little tale in ages. You've got the idea, you always do. :)) mike
-
So happy she made it out
Comment from Gloria ....
Excellent opening and adhering to the contest rules, so that's a good start. I really like the second line too. Mind you that's only as far as I've read so far, so my expectations are I'll like many more lines too. Yep I like them all.
This is a terrific story, Mav. Told in first person present tense confessional POV and through the trials and tribulations of a sexually abusive mother and a drunk, passive, uninvolved father. I think this may play out with much less severe consequences more often than we realized.
Super job with this contest and I wish you great good luck with the dark and stormy night.
for they no (know) not the difference
Exceptional.
Ange
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2018
|
Excellent opening and adhering to the contest rules, so that's a good start. I really like the second line too. Mind you that's only as far as I've read so far, so my expectations are I'll like many more lines too. Yep I like them all.
This is a terrific story, Mav. Told in first person present tense confessional POV and through the trials and tribulations of a sexually abusive mother and a drunk, passive, uninvolved father. I think this may play out with much less severe consequences more often than we realized.
Super job with this contest and I wish you great good luck with the dark and stormy night.
for they no (know) not the difference
Exceptional.
Ange
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2018
-
Glad you were able to follow, Ange. Fixed the typo, duh. Thanks for that. You're very encouraging and generous. Haven't done this in YONKS! At least I had some fun, win or lose. :)) Mav
