Fortune Cookies
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "The Fortune Pt.1"A Romantic, Superhero-like, Geek Horror story.
5 total reviews
Comment from Swampfox1
This statement might be forgiven by some but surely there must be a better way to say it: ""Americans. Even the Asian born Americans. You are all clueless," Daniel says poking his chin with one finger."
However the text needs to perked up in some manner or another, wether it is action of some sort or another or some pepped up speech. Currently it is more armchair type stuff which in writing classes we are told never to do. Use the "Elements of Style" , a stylebook for fiction and it may have some clues. Thanks for sharing, have a great weekend
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2018
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This statement might be forgiven by some but surely there must be a better way to say it: ""Americans. Even the Asian born Americans. You are all clueless," Daniel says poking his chin with one finger."
However the text needs to perked up in some manner or another, wether it is action of some sort or another or some pepped up speech. Currently it is more armchair type stuff which in writing classes we are told never to do. Use the "Elements of Style" , a stylebook for fiction and it may have some clues. Thanks for sharing, have a great weekend
Comment Written 29-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2018
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I wanted to be authentic. So, I wrote it as it was presented to me back in 1996. Thanks
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cool
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks about culture, differences in Americans or Asians; for appreciation and descriptions, there are things better said than unsaid, say of fortune; well said, well done. Keep Writing -- DR ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2018
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This speaks about culture, differences in Americans or Asians; for appreciation and descriptions, there are things better said than unsaid, say of fortune; well said, well done. Keep Writing -- DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 25-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2018
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Awesome! Thank you for the kind review and generous attention to my chapter! I?ll do my best :)
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Awesome! Thank you for the kind review and generous attention to my chapter! I?ll do my best :)
Comment from kahpot
A wonderful read and an excellent story I will be sure to track down your previous writing on this story, I very much like the characters and the set up of what may be coming very well written****kahpot
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2018
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A wonderful read and an excellent story I will be sure to track down your previous writing on this story, I very much like the characters and the set up of what may be coming very well written****kahpot
Comment Written 25-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2018
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Thank you. The story is simply taken from all parts of life. I appreciate your interest and I certainly hope you will read more chapters. Thank you for the kind review
Comment from Deirdre Anne Gialamas
Dear Cybertron1986,
I enjoyed your chapter.
The banter and ribbing between two college kids comes across
as fairly natural and typical.
* Perhaps omit 'reaction' in first paragraph.
* HAVE been written, and HAVE, succumbed.
* Drop 'as' before 'equally.'
* 'Seemingly' is a bit awkward; not needed perhaps.
This piece was quite humorous and has a good pace.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2018
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Dear Cybertron1986,
I enjoyed your chapter.
The banter and ribbing between two college kids comes across
as fairly natural and typical.
* Perhaps omit 'reaction' in first paragraph.
* HAVE been written, and HAVE, succumbed.
* Drop 'as' before 'equally.'
* 'Seemingly' is a bit awkward; not needed perhaps.
This piece was quite humorous and has a good pace.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2018
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Thank you. I appreciate the assist in grammar. Definitely, grammar is not my strong point
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Welcome! You have a great imagination, though, and clever ideas!
Comment from giraffmang
I remember the previous chapters to this and I did enjoy them. Same thing with this one. There's a peculiar tone to it but it works.
All at once, the city's reaction instantaneously - you're basically saying the same thing twice here. All at once/instantaneously.
Be careful of over-using your adverbs. They are indicative of telling over showing and can be a gateway to lazy writing. A well-placed one can be very effective but just something to watch out for.
Perhaps for your quotes you should use the single marks to differentiate them from dialogue [fish out of water/ the golden gate etc].
would had never known how to highlight my bangs - would have.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2018
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I remember the previous chapters to this and I did enjoy them. Same thing with this one. There's a peculiar tone to it but it works.
All at once, the city's reaction instantaneously - you're basically saying the same thing twice here. All at once/instantaneously.
Be careful of over-using your adverbs. They are indicative of telling over showing and can be a gateway to lazy writing. A well-placed one can be very effective but just something to watch out for.
Perhaps for your quotes you should use the single marks to differentiate them from dialogue [fish out of water/ the golden gate etc].
would had never known how to highlight my bangs - would have.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 25-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2018
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Hi! It?s great to hear from you. Again, thank you for the kind and very generous review. You assist in my grammar is very helpful. You are awesome!
