Old Married Couple
hot summer night9 total reviews
Comment from kiwijenny
"Well, they don't have any and chocolate milks hakes sound pretty good, don'tcha think?"
milkshakes
Oh my, Irma is so high maintenance.
Well penned flash fiction.
God bless
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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"Well, they don't have any and chocolate milks hakes sound pretty good, don'tcha think?"
milkshakes
Oh my, Irma is so high maintenance.
Well penned flash fiction.
God bless
Comment Written 17-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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yeah, I caught that. thought I'd fixed it, but thanks
Comment from ChowChow
Sounds like Irma's going to shoot him after all. But wait! We must drink our milkshakes first. After all once I'm dead and gone I won't be drinking milkshake or wine. So cheers, Irma.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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Sounds like Irma's going to shoot him after all. But wait! We must drink our milkshakes first. After all once I'm dead and gone I won't be drinking milkshake or wine. So cheers, Irma.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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noooo. she's old and forgetful. the milkshake mellowed her and she was getting frisky. (or so it says here :)
Comment from judiverse
The things hot weather will do for a person! Excellent use of dialogue. Irma's actions with the gun don't come across for an older person. It's so sudden. Maybe if she was younger, going through menopause, say, it might be more believable. Poor hubby tries to cater to her every wish, but apparently to no avail. Funny comments about the air conditioning not working. This is humor on the dark side. Best of luck in the content. judi
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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The things hot weather will do for a person! Excellent use of dialogue. Irma's actions with the gun don't come across for an older person. It's so sudden. Maybe if she was younger, going through menopause, say, it might be more believable. Poor hubby tries to cater to her every wish, but apparently to no avail. Funny comments about the air conditioning not working. This is humor on the dark side. Best of luck in the content. judi
Comment Written 17-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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maybe I should change the gun to a fly swatter - she could attack him with it,
I was just feeling silly last night when I wrote it. Guess it is kinda dark.
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I saw another entry in which a character uses a gun, so you'll have company. I did like the efforts of the husband to try to please her. For a rational female, that would have won him points. judi
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true.
she is a shrew
Comment from giraffmang
hi there,
excellent back and forth in this piece. Works very well in this format.
few things I spotted on reading through-
Silence - need end punctuation here.
Hangs up - this should be in brackets.
"Z z z z z z" / Knock knock - both of these need end punctuation.
You use both milk shakes and milkshakes. It's best to use the same presentation each time.
"UMMMM" - need end punctuation here.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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hi there,
excellent back and forth in this piece. Works very well in this format.
few things I spotted on reading through-
Silence - need end punctuation here.
Hangs up - this should be in brackets.
"Z z z z z z" / Knock knock - both of these need end punctuation.
You use both milk shakes and milkshakes. It's best to use the same presentation each time.
"UMMMM" - need end punctuation here.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 17-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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yessir, yessir, yessir and yessir. will do.
wrote it in a hurry trying to post before deadine. then it was extended.
haven't had time to get back to it.
did you think it was funny, or the gun too much - as some have said? maybe a flyswatter?? :)
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I think it works. Over here she'd probably have used a rolling pin...lol
It is funny. I like it the way it is.
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thanks! appreciated.
Comment from Spitfire
You need to use a smaller font and also put a space between each speaker. Excellent characterization of Erma who controls her husband. On the other hand, he seems willing to cater to her needs. Sounds like my daughter and her hubby who will get up in the night to find an open store that sells her favorite potato chips if that's what she wants.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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You need to use a smaller font and also put a space between each speaker. Excellent characterization of Erma who controls her husband. On the other hand, he seems willing to cater to her needs. Sounds like my daughter and her hubby who will get up in the night to find an open store that sells her favorite potato chips if that's what she wants.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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I looked you up and was surprised at you and your pen name. There is probably an interesting story behind that.
I have a hard time getting the print big enough when I try to go smaller- personally, I'd rather have big than small, but I do need to put a space between. I was in such a hurry writing it tonight to get it in by midnight, but now FS has extended it to manana, so I will do as you suggest.
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Okay, I'll check on it again. If you use advanced editor, it's easy to experiment with font size. I suggest Times New Roman 14 works well.
Spitfire was my nickname in school because I always said what I thought-- You can guess how many friends I had. LOL
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am working on it. still maybe too big. will try again tomorrow. thanks
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Excellent. I upped my rating to five stars.
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well, thank you ma'am! (and that is not out of deference to age (Ha), just an expression.)
I appreciate it.
Comment from Debbie Pope
That is really funny. Your characterization is exceptional. I love Irma and Mr. Smartypants. Poor henpecked man has no name. How appropriate for this piece. Please do more stories with them.
I cannot begin to list what's funny--the gun, wine, chocolate milkshakes,the very premise that Irma would not put up with a lack of air conditioning.
Thank you for this fun read.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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That is really funny. Your characterization is exceptional. I love Irma and Mr. Smartypants. Poor henpecked man has no name. How appropriate for this piece. Please do more stories with them.
I cannot begin to list what's funny--the gun, wine, chocolate milkshakes,the very premise that Irma would not put up with a lack of air conditioning.
Thank you for this fun read.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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what a jewel you are! thank you so much for your wonderful review.
I had another gal say it made no sense whatsoever. oh well, that's my sense of humor. Weird, I guess.
anyway, many thanks again!
pome lover
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No. It makes perfect sense. It's just outrageous behavior of old people. It's funny.
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thanks
It was just a bit of fun
Comment from Swampfox1
yep, that sounds like an old married couple alright and I enjoyed the read a lot and the way they interact sounded so real to life and so authentic. Great job you did on this. Thanks for sharing. Have a great weekend.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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yep, that sounds like an old married couple alright and I enjoyed the read a lot and the way they interact sounded so real to life and so authentic. Great job you did on this. Thanks for sharing. Have a great weekend.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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thank you! appreciate it!
pome lover
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you're welcome
Comment from Marvin Calloway
You're in the groove with this story. Very nice.
You've been reading too many murder mysteries.
I guess this is the contest you've been talking about.
Good job.
Marv
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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You're in the groove with this story. Very nice.
You've been reading too many murder mysteries.
I guess this is the contest you've been talking about.
Good job.
Marv
Comment Written 16-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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thanks, MM
no, just did this one tonight.
the other one is the silver lining one.
I got a review from Phylis Stewart just now saying this story made no sense. It probably doesn't
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I suspect you already know this makes very little sense. I enjoyed reading it, but I was hoping for something at the end to give it meaning. She fell asleep. Okay, but why would she point a gun at him? I don't see how that made sense.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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I suspect you already know this makes very little sense. I enjoyed reading it, but I was hoping for something at the end to give it meaning. She fell asleep. Okay, but why would she point a gun at him? I don't see how that made sense.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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She was a crotchety old woman who was hot and mad and at the end of her rope - thus the gun.
BUT old folks forget easily and she was enjoying the chocolate milkshake so much she wanted to get frisky. Just a silly story written tonight in a hurry.
