Calin's Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "What's Holding Him Back"An illegitimate son of a former President emerges.
8 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
This is a good piece and the changes in point of view are well-handled. It's getting a few more players into the mix now. Good stuff.
Do you think he might make a runner tonight - maybe change make to do here.
Speaking of remember, Mrs. Spellman - maybe remembering here.
check for finger prints - fingerprints could be a single word here.
All he required was a rope and a tree? - not sure you needed a question mark here.
It was Calin and Jess realised, - maybe a comma after was as well.
"Like what." - question mark in here.
"When," Meredith asked. - question mark needed.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2018
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This is a good piece and the changes in point of view are well-handled. It's getting a few more players into the mix now. Good stuff.
Do you think he might make a runner tonight - maybe change make to do here.
Speaking of remember, Mrs. Spellman - maybe remembering here.
check for finger prints - fingerprints could be a single word here.
All he required was a rope and a tree? - not sure you needed a question mark here.
It was Calin and Jess realised, - maybe a comma after was as well.
"Like what." - question mark in here.
"When," Meredith asked. - question mark needed.
All the best
G
Comment Written 05-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2018
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Thank you G. Your editorial skills are really appreciated. If I ever get published I promise I'll give you credit for your invaluable assistance. I can't thank you enough. I made all those changes.
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Getting more and more interestinger. I like to make up my own words, maybe that's why I don't get 6's =} Looking forward to the next chapter and finding out more about Jackson and who is after him. Rox
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2018
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Getting more and more interestinger. I like to make up my own words, maybe that's why I don't get 6's =} Looking forward to the next chapter and finding out more about Jackson and who is after him. Rox
Comment Written 05-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2018
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Thanks Roxanne, next chapter will be delayed a little. Thanks again for your review
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bob. Let me ask ypu something ...Is this the finished product that you are submitting to the publishers? I do hope you are posting the very best you have to offer. Reason I ask is as I have told other people on here, nobody should expect the membership to do ALL of their editing for them by way of posting an unfinished product.
There are other reasons I am asking, too, bob.
For instance, I noticed you have been spitting out a chapter every day for the past week or so. I don't know how you work but it takes me at least ten days to two weeks of revising in order to be ready to post a chapter. (the norm for most writers btw.)
Also, I noticed that the changes I suggested are the same corrections I need to make this time.
For instance:
I suggested you have a realistic break on the page showing the reader where you are beginning a new chapter. Also label in some manner the recap from the last chapter. (You haven't done that here.
Also, All of this is 99 percent telling, not showing.
"Jackson couldn't sleep. His mind raced as he retraced the circumstances of the past twenty-four hours. Overnight he'd received the five lined note. On his way to work next morning his car window had been smashed by a brick. He discovered his money missing. Depression sunk in, he reached his decision to end it all. Calin found and revived him. He then met Jess and the children. The final setback was his inability to trust anyone. Trust simply wasn't in his make-up. Every person he'd ever trusted had failed him. Or they'd been killed because of him.
Self-pity pursued its normal route. First, he'd become withdrawn and tried to run, self-doubt followed, then desperation and lastly anger swept in.
What was his problem? The truth, he doubted that. He didn't know the truth. Was it the fear of involving innocent strangers? He'd never cope if more victims died. He counted the toll, Ricky, possibly his mother, those at the orphanage and the investigator. If anything happened to the two children he'd met tonight, he'd never forgive himself. That provided his answer. All he required was a rope and a tree? And a glance out the window revealed there was an abundance of trees. Then he saw the garden shed. He smiled. Every good garden shed housed a coil of rope. He'd found his escape."
It amounts to a recap of the action, my friend.
I can tell, you simply need to slow down and write this story the way you are capable of. I know you are a good writer, so show me. Show everyone on FS
If anyone is telling you the chapters like this one are five and six star writing, they are blowing smoke up your ass and not being honest. People like that are simply in it for the bucks they can derive off of reviewing your work.
I sincerely hope you won't take offense to this note. I am really trying to be honest and help you, Bob. :)
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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Hi, Bob. Let me ask ypu something ...Is this the finished product that you are submitting to the publishers? I do hope you are posting the very best you have to offer. Reason I ask is as I have told other people on here, nobody should expect the membership to do ALL of their editing for them by way of posting an unfinished product.
There are other reasons I am asking, too, bob.
For instance, I noticed you have been spitting out a chapter every day for the past week or so. I don't know how you work but it takes me at least ten days to two weeks of revising in order to be ready to post a chapter. (the norm for most writers btw.)
Also, I noticed that the changes I suggested are the same corrections I need to make this time.
For instance:
I suggested you have a realistic break on the page showing the reader where you are beginning a new chapter. Also label in some manner the recap from the last chapter. (You haven't done that here.
Also, All of this is 99 percent telling, not showing.
"Jackson couldn't sleep. His mind raced as he retraced the circumstances of the past twenty-four hours. Overnight he'd received the five lined note. On his way to work next morning his car window had been smashed by a brick. He discovered his money missing. Depression sunk in, he reached his decision to end it all. Calin found and revived him. He then met Jess and the children. The final setback was his inability to trust anyone. Trust simply wasn't in his make-up. Every person he'd ever trusted had failed him. Or they'd been killed because of him.
Self-pity pursued its normal route. First, he'd become withdrawn and tried to run, self-doubt followed, then desperation and lastly anger swept in.
What was his problem? The truth, he doubted that. He didn't know the truth. Was it the fear of involving innocent strangers? He'd never cope if more victims died. He counted the toll, Ricky, possibly his mother, those at the orphanage and the investigator. If anything happened to the two children he'd met tonight, he'd never forgive himself. That provided his answer. All he required was a rope and a tree? And a glance out the window revealed there was an abundance of trees. Then he saw the garden shed. He smiled. Every good garden shed housed a coil of rope. He'd found his escape."
It amounts to a recap of the action, my friend.
I can tell, you simply need to slow down and write this story the way you are capable of. I know you are a good writer, so show me. Show everyone on FS
If anyone is telling you the chapters like this one are five and six star writing, they are blowing smoke up your ass and not being honest. People like that are simply in it for the bucks they can derive off of reviewing your work.
I sincerely hope you won't take offense to this note. I am really trying to be honest and help you, Bob. :)
Comment Written 04-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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No offence taken Bob. Reviews like this are precisely what I need. Now for the honesty. Yes, this is the final draft. Guess I need to rework it again. And those three paragraph are an attempt to show his depressed state of mind. May I ask a favour. Could you possibly rewrite maybe just the first couple of lines as I don't seem to know the difference between show and tell. After reading your most recent post I suffered a reality check, I saw your professionalism and my amateurism. Both stories were credible but the writing styles were poles apart. I need to lift my game.
Thank you for your honesty, and the bout of depression (just kidding.) You've also provided motivation to work harder. Thank you, Bob.
Bob
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I will be glad to do that, Bob...tomorrow though...It's a bit late. Bob :)
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Here you are, Bob. I hope this helps. Please feel free if you have any questions. :) Good luck. Bob
Jackson is being pursued by a stranger
Jackson couldn't sleep. His mind raced as he retraced the circumstances of the past twenty-four hours.
That night he received a mysterious note and on his way to work next morning his car window had been smashed by a thrown brick.
When he discovered his money missing, depression set in and he decided to end the misery. Depression sunk in, he reached his decision to end it all.
(insert exactly how he tried to commit suicide here and be thorough) (That will be ?SHOWING? as opposed to rushing through and generalized by way of ?TELLING?) See the difference, Bob? (And you must do this whenever you catch yourself generalizing.) EXPLAIN FURTHER HERE . As I said, Slow Down. Writing?good writing takes time, my friend)
(The next day, ) Calin found Jackson. (Describe) and he revived him. . He then met Jess and the children. The final setback was his inability to trust anyone. Trust simply wasn't in his make-up. Every person he'd ever trusted had failed him. Or they'd been killed because of him (Everyone of these last three sentences needs to be explained (SHOWED TO THE READER because this is too much telling with nothing I as a reader can relate to.
Each time you tell something back it up by using the one or more of the five senses, Seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and/or feeling in order to make it more graphic.
Self-pity pursued its normal route and Jackson become withdrawn. He tried to run away from his troubles and no longer believed in himself. He grew increasingly desperate and found anger controlling his life.
He no longer recognized the truth. But why? Was it the fear of involving innocent strangers? He couldn?t cope if more victims died. He realized the possible toll. There was Ricky and possibly the boy?s mother It also included those at the orphanage as well as the investigator himself..
If anything happened to the two children he'd met tonight, he'd never forgive himself. That provided his answer. All he required was a rope and a tree? And a glance out the window revealed there was an abundance of trees. Then he saw the garden shed. He smiled. Every good garden shed housed a coil of rope. He'd found.
Comment from royowen
I must have missed your last post Bob, sorry. This has covered a fair bit of ground since your last. Again Moffat tries to kil Himself, but Jess intercepts him, and figures out if he really wanted to, a cliff, a train, or a tall building would suffice. He tries to contact Meredith Paslow, Ashe was mentioned, I remember them all now. Well done, Bob, excellent episode, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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I must have missed your last post Bob, sorry. This has covered a fair bit of ground since your last. Again Moffat tries to kil Himself, but Jess intercepts him, and figures out if he really wanted to, a cliff, a train, or a tall building would suffice. He tries to contact Meredith Paslow, Ashe was mentioned, I remember them all now. Well done, Bob, excellent episode, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 04-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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Thank you Roy. Yes, the entire team is back.
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Most welcome Bob.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Okay, So they are moving on. Will it bring forth any information that will help them solve Jackson's problem?
What made him decide to end it all? Was it just the last straw in fifty years of running from shadows? Good job. Nancy
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2018
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Okay, So they are moving on. Will it bring forth any information that will help them solve Jackson's problem?
What made him decide to end it all? Was it just the last straw in fifty years of running from shadows? Good job. Nancy
Comment Written 04-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2018
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Desperation and fear forced his decision. I guess when all hope fades we all react differently. Jackson sort of gave up. Thank you Nancy, I appreciate your comments
Comment from Swampfox1
It is well written, that I must say, and also, I did not find any errors. Can't beat that. It held my interest from the start, even though this starts on Chapter 7 or so. I liked how Jess stops the attempted suicide and even more how she reads Jackson's thoughts. have a great day.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2018
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It is well written, that I must say, and also, I did not find any errors. Can't beat that. It held my interest from the start, even though this starts on Chapter 7 or so. I liked how Jess stops the attempted suicide and even more how she reads Jackson's thoughts. have a great day.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2018
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Thank you swampfox1 for taking the time to read and review. I appreciate your comment
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you're welcome
Comment from aryr
This was cram pack with exciting activity and suspense. You created a fantastic flow of mystery. This encouraged the reader to want more, to read for more. Your descriptions and details were great and I know I will definitely have to go back to read the previous chapters. If you don't mind I will become a fan so that I may read your future writings. Very well done, thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2018
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This was cram pack with exciting activity and suspense. You created a fantastic flow of mystery. This encouraged the reader to want more, to read for more. Your descriptions and details were great and I know I will definitely have to go back to read the previous chapters. If you don't mind I will become a fan so that I may read your future writings. Very well done, thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2018
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Firstly thank you for requesting to read more. That really is humbling. I hope you find future readings entertaining and credible. Comments like yours make all the effort writing worthwhile. You've made my day
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You are most welcome and the honor is mine.
Comment from apky
Ine of the traits in your writing that pulled me in was your great and frequent use of dialogue. All the dialogue flow well and reveal more than a narrative would.
Excellent.
After your previous lines describing Jackson, the following end sentences is a brilliant way of summing up his character to the reader:
Trust simply wasn't in his make-up. Every person he'd ever trusted had failed him. Or they'd been killed because of him.
That's really professionally done here.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2018
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Ine of the traits in your writing that pulled me in was your great and frequent use of dialogue. All the dialogue flow well and reveal more than a narrative would.
Excellent.
After your previous lines describing Jackson, the following end sentences is a brilliant way of summing up his character to the reader:
Trust simply wasn't in his make-up. Every person he'd ever trusted had failed him. Or they'd been killed because of him.
That's really professionally done here.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2018
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Apky, that last line, 'that's really professionally done,' has lifted my spirits and re-energised my enthusiasm. I thank you for such an encouraging review.
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I meant it, bob, and you really did a grand job.
