A Roadmap Through Paradise
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Broken Christmas Ornaments"short stories
9 total reviews
Comment from Scarbrems
This is, frankly, stunning. So involved and in-depth. I love the empty bottles simile at the start, and then it just gets better and better. The relationships are beautifully defined, and all the issues - the abusive father, homosexuality, personal relationships - all intertwine to give a complete picture. The repeated referrals to Christmas, parchesi, decorating the tree join these disparate people together.
Excellent. I hope you win SOM, I really do. You deserve it.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2018
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This is, frankly, stunning. So involved and in-depth. I love the empty bottles simile at the start, and then it just gets better and better. The relationships are beautifully defined, and all the issues - the abusive father, homosexuality, personal relationships - all intertwine to give a complete picture. The repeated referrals to Christmas, parchesi, decorating the tree join these disparate people together.
Excellent. I hope you win SOM, I really do. You deserve it.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2018
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Thanks again for the exceptional review and your support of this piece I appreciate it estory
Comment from Sharon Haiste
Your story is well written and interesting.
The emotions of the family in turmoil are clearly laid out.
This is a story of desperation and hope.
Well done.
Sharon
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2018
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Your story is well written and interesting.
The emotions of the family in turmoil are clearly laid out.
This is a story of desperation and hope.
Well done.
Sharon
Comment Written 06-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2018
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Thanks so much for reading and sharing with me your take on it. I am glad you found it moving. It is a story of desperation, but also hope. Light at the end of the tunnel. I appreciate the support and glad the hard work in writing it was validated. Write on! estory
Comment from Ulla
Hi Estory, this a lovely write, which I thoroughly enjoyed to read. At first, I thought it was biographical, but I soon realised it was fiction. Very well written indeed. A dysfunctional family that found each other in the end. I liked it a lot.Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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Hi Estory, this a lovely write, which I thoroughly enjoyed to read. At first, I thought it was biographical, but I soon realised it was fiction. Very well written indeed. A dysfunctional family that found each other in the end. I liked it a lot.Ulla:)))
Comment Written 03-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and all your comments supporting this story. I am glad you found it so moving, that validates all the work I put into it. This is the kind of story I love to write; emotions twisted together, leaping off the page in the dialogue, and it was fun to write. I think it probably is one of the better stories in this series; it really came to life in all that dialogue. estory
Comment from giraffmang
This is a fantastic write. I was totally absorbed in the telling of the piece. the voice and point of view is excellent. very nice indeed.
the living room, and opened the side board - sideboard can be a single word here.
"Where are you going now?" My mother asked me. - my.
"This is the twentieth century," I murmured back, "Women can - women or close off the previous sentence.
I felt like a wanted another beer - I wanted.
You never have anything nice to say," she complained to me, "Can't you say - can't or close off the previous sentence.
"Be quiet!" My mother yelled. - either my or comma at the end instead of the full stop.
trying to prove anything," she said, "She's my friend." - either she's or close off previous sentence.
"You remind me of dad," she said, "You know that?" - same thing again here.
I needed to get away." she turned and looked at me.- She.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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This is a fantastic write. I was totally absorbed in the telling of the piece. the voice and point of view is excellent. very nice indeed.
the living room, and opened the side board - sideboard can be a single word here.
"Where are you going now?" My mother asked me. - my.
"This is the twentieth century," I murmured back, "Women can - women or close off the previous sentence.
I felt like a wanted another beer - I wanted.
You never have anything nice to say," she complained to me, "Can't you say - can't or close off the previous sentence.
"Be quiet!" My mother yelled. - either my or comma at the end instead of the full stop.
trying to prove anything," she said, "She's my friend." - either she's or close off previous sentence.
"You remind me of dad," she said, "You know that?" - same thing again here.
I needed to get away." she turned and looked at me.- She.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and all your comments and suggestions. A five from you truly validates the piece, and I feel the hard work paid off in this write. It was fun to do. Usually those are the ones that are the most successful; you get into the emotions, the emotions come alive, and the piece really takes flight. Thanks again I really appreciate the five stars and I am glad you enjoyed the story. At least I always try to come up with something interesting...estory
Comment from apky
You certainly packed a lot of emotion in this story addressing the dysfuntional family in various facets. The reader feels with the protagonist (I don't think you ever gave him a name, unless I've missed it) throughout his struggle through diffuse emotions with his family while the father was there, then when things seem to get better but get disturbed again when Carla leaves for upstate, and finally the "interference" through not just a stranger, Randy, but also one who has a gay relationship with Carla.
All fabulous, like a true study.
But as you say, in the end you allow that little light at the end of the tunnel to shine through. We hope all will be well and the narrator might find a partner for himself one day...
There was mom, me, and Carla; each of us, like empty bottles on a shelf; three different ones, a coke, a Budweiser, and a Pepsi. God only knows they don't seem like they belong together. ~ I'm uneasy here with the way you skip from past tense to present tense all the way to the end of the para. I'd choose one tense or the other and keep to it.
I felt like a(I) wanted another beer.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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You certainly packed a lot of emotion in this story addressing the dysfuntional family in various facets. The reader feels with the protagonist (I don't think you ever gave him a name, unless I've missed it) throughout his struggle through diffuse emotions with his family while the father was there, then when things seem to get better but get disturbed again when Carla leaves for upstate, and finally the "interference" through not just a stranger, Randy, but also one who has a gay relationship with Carla.
All fabulous, like a true study.
But as you say, in the end you allow that little light at the end of the tunnel to shine through. We hope all will be well and the narrator might find a partner for himself one day...
There was mom, me, and Carla; each of us, like empty bottles on a shelf; three different ones, a coke, a Budweiser, and a Pepsi. God only knows they don't seem like they belong together. ~ I'm uneasy here with the way you skip from past tense to present tense all the way to the end of the para. I'd choose one tense or the other and keep to it.
I felt like a(I) wanted another beer.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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Thanks again for the exceptional review and all your support for this piece, the comments and suggestions. I appreciate it estory
Comment from kiwijenny
Sad sad sadness. I liked the repeat refrain of it.
The desperate dispirit elements of it...the becoming like his dad' the incredible burden of it...all those dark pictures...grrrr
God bless
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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Sad sad sadness. I liked the repeat refrain of it.
The desperate dispirit elements of it...the becoming like his dad' the incredible burden of it...all those dark pictures...grrrr
God bless
Comment Written 02-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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Thanks for the excellent review and your comments supporting this piece. It was a tough situation, coming to life here, but I think its not quite all dark, and that's why I liked it so much. The family kind of pulls together at the end, you can see them making a go of it, trying to hold onto each other, and you can see the chance of this working out somehow. Not perfect, but better than falling apart. Underneath all the dysfunction, there is still love there. estory
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Yes there is love
Comment from Katya
This is a good look into the private lives of the members of a family with terrific challenges. The dialogue is well written and to the point. The characters' reaction to each other, and to each revelation, are credible and well described. And it comes to a good resolution. In fact, the whole thing really works!
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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This is a good look into the private lives of the members of a family with terrific challenges. The dialogue is well written and to the point. The characters' reaction to each other, and to each revelation, are credible and well described. And it comes to a good resolution. In fact, the whole thing really works!
Comment Written 02-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and your comments supporting this piece. I am glad you found it so moving, and that the story worked so well. It validates all the hard work that went into composing this and bringing these characters to life; characters that have a lot to say about life, and life nowadays. Tough situations, but there is still hope, as long as we still have love in our hearts. estory
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Wow.......just wow! You took such a heart-wrenching situation for all of them and, even though the focus was on the son (which worked wonders in painting his self-portrait, by the way!), you managed to really show all of them in their vulnerability and darkness through which they had to fight to find the light ahead....
Once I started reading, I could not find it in me to look away....and that is such a very good thing! Even now, I find myself wanting to yell at him not to pick up another beer as well as wanting to engulf Carla in a big "mom loves you" kindof hug!
Thank you for writing their stories -- they so very needed to be told in the manner you have wonderfully achieved!
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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Wow.......just wow! You took such a heart-wrenching situation for all of them and, even though the focus was on the son (which worked wonders in painting his self-portrait, by the way!), you managed to really show all of them in their vulnerability and darkness through which they had to fight to find the light ahead....
Once I started reading, I could not find it in me to look away....and that is such a very good thing! Even now, I find myself wanting to yell at him not to pick up another beer as well as wanting to engulf Carla in a big "mom loves you" kindof hug!
Thank you for writing their stories -- they so very needed to be told in the manner you have wonderfully achieved!
Comment Written 02-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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Thanks again for the six star review and all your comments supporting this piece, I really appreciate the fact that you felt it was so well done, and its satisfying to make connections like this readers and have them be moved by something you believe in. estory
Comment from aanneee
This is a 10 worthy and I don't have any sixes left and I do know a double 5 isn't available. This is really excellent, the characters are so believable and I am so very happy that I got to read this today. Thank you - Dinah
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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This is a 10 worthy and I don't have any sixes left and I do know a double 5 isn't available. This is really excellent, the characters are so believable and I am so very happy that I got to read this today. Thank you - Dinah
Comment Written 02-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2018
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Thanks so much for the five stars and all the wonderful comments supporting this story, I am glad you liked it and found it so moving, and that validates the work that went into it. This was a fun story to write. I like emotional situations, sometimes its easier to let the dialogue speak for itself, and give voice to the characters. Thanks again I appreciate the support. estory
