Calin's Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "A Pursuit Begins"An illegitimate son of a former President emerges.
9 total reviews
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Poor little Norma Jean, sex Goddess, she aimed too high and paid the ultimate price for it. (They say) No one really knows, but it makes for a good story. Now her son is being stalked and he cannot even begin to know the reason why. You are doing a good job trying to unravel the mystery. Nancy
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
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Poor little Norma Jean, sex Goddess, she aimed too high and paid the ultimate price for it. (They say) No one really knows, but it makes for a good story. Now her son is being stalked and he cannot even begin to know the reason why. You are doing a good job trying to unravel the mystery. Nancy
Comment Written 26-May-2018
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
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I think her life was summed up succinctly in two lines of a poem I once wrote:
You were eulogised in a song, Elton?s Candle In The Wind
Is pretty plain to us now, you were more sinned against than sinned
Thank you for such a nice review
Comment from robyn corum
Bob,
Lovely piece of work! I read with interest, though I'm not usually compelled by too much backstory and telling over showing. This worked -- which shows your talent. You walked a very careful line between boring the reader and offering important information, and did it beautifully.
Were you a tight-rope walker in a previous life? hmmm...
*smile*
I enjoyed!
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
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Bob,
Lovely piece of work! I read with interest, though I'm not usually compelled by too much backstory and telling over showing. This worked -- which shows your talent. You walked a very careful line between boring the reader and offering important information, and did it beautifully.
Were you a tight-rope walker in a previous life? hmmm...
*smile*
I enjoyed!
Comment Written 26-May-2018
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
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Possibly I was. I think I fell head first to the ground, perhaps that explains the madness!!
Thank you for reading and reviewing
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bob This is a good, informative chapter. Your imagery is wonderful i spme spot throughout. The more the better,you know.
I liked this line: "3) Child was less than a week old. He didn't have a name. It did however carry a message. 'Born of lust, not love.'"
Suggestions: What chapter number is this? I would label it were I you, Bob
Also, "tempted who?" You might always consider using proper names in the opening paragraph of each chapter like this one as the reader likes to be brought intomthe fold agaain. Everybody doesn'tread the entire book....or even a couple of chaapters at a time. So in this paragraph use the character names to mkick things off instead of pronouns:
"In the months following, the money often tempted. Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars would support her forever. Just as quickly, her conscience squashed that idea. This was about the baby. She might be a kidnapper, but she wasn't a thief.
Also, Change this for more clarity and better flow: "Well, almost untouched and multiplied many times over." To: "Well, almost untouched. It was multiplied many times over."
And: "Then in his fifty-third year all hell broke loose." (stay away from cliches like this.)
I do think you would be betteroff not listing the orphanagethings.simply embody themin a paragraph.Make it conversational otherwise it makes the section too distant-sounding tome as a reader.
Your story is coming along nicely. Remember to show,don't tell the storry. :) Bob
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
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Hi, Bob This is a good, informative chapter. Your imagery is wonderful i spme spot throughout. The more the better,you know.
I liked this line: "3) Child was less than a week old. He didn't have a name. It did however carry a message. 'Born of lust, not love.'"
Suggestions: What chapter number is this? I would label it were I you, Bob
Also, "tempted who?" You might always consider using proper names in the opening paragraph of each chapter like this one as the reader likes to be brought intomthe fold agaain. Everybody doesn'tread the entire book....or even a couple of chaapters at a time. So in this paragraph use the character names to mkick things off instead of pronouns:
"In the months following, the money often tempted. Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars would support her forever. Just as quickly, her conscience squashed that idea. This was about the baby. She might be a kidnapper, but she wasn't a thief.
Also, Change this for more clarity and better flow: "Well, almost untouched and multiplied many times over." To: "Well, almost untouched. It was multiplied many times over."
And: "Then in his fifty-third year all hell broke loose." (stay away from cliches like this.)
I do think you would be betteroff not listing the orphanagethings.simply embody themin a paragraph.Make it conversational otherwise it makes the section too distant-sounding tome as a reader.
Your story is coming along nicely. Remember to show,don't tell the storry. :) Bob
Comment Written 26-May-2018
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
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Now this is what I call a review. It highlights the flaws which allow me as the writer to correct, amend and tighten the prose and make for a better read. Thanks Bob, this is precisely what I seek in a review
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:) Thanks, Bob Bob
Comment from giraffmang
hi there,
Good introduction of character here. lots of questions and therefore intrigue asked of the reader.
She might be a kidnapper, but she wasn't a thief. - surely, by definition, a kidnapper is actually a thief... lol
I'm sure I've read this before.
written in a child-like scrawl - childlike could be a single word here.
Now though wasn't the time to ponder those questions. Work called. He was already late. A thousand thoughts flooded his brain. Who were these people? And what did they want? The five-lined message bounced around in his head. He tried to absorb its message. What were they implying? - the first line here doesn't work as he then immediately goes on to ponder them...
Jackson never got to say good bye - goodbye could be a single word here.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
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hi there,
Good introduction of character here. lots of questions and therefore intrigue asked of the reader.
She might be a kidnapper, but she wasn't a thief. - surely, by definition, a kidnapper is actually a thief... lol
I'm sure I've read this before.
written in a child-like scrawl - childlike could be a single word here.
Now though wasn't the time to ponder those questions. Work called. He was already late. A thousand thoughts flooded his brain. Who were these people? And what did they want? The five-lined message bounced around in his head. He tried to absorb its message. What were they implying? - the first line here doesn't work as he then immediately goes on to ponder them...
Jackson never got to say good bye - goodbye could be a single word here.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 26-May-2018
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
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giraffmang. Thank you for an awesome review. First point, Now you mention it, I think I may have posted a version of this several years ago when I was in the initial stages of a first draft. Sorry about that. Second point, suggestions like this one are exactly what I'm seeking. They will make for a better read
Comment from royowen
I like the switch in scenes, but the connections, and the mystery of the whole connect like a jigsaw puzzle, connecting them up makes a big difference. Your personal skill in sewing them all together becomes rather masterful Bob, this were my own writing abilities break down, well done, mate, good scribing, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
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I like the switch in scenes, but the connections, and the mystery of the whole connect like a jigsaw puzzle, connecting them up makes a big difference. Your personal skill in sewing them all together becomes rather masterful Bob, this were my own writing abilities break down, well done, mate, good scribing, blessings Roy
Comment Written 26-May-2018
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
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Roy, I always knew you wrote great poetry but now I know you're also great at flattering this writer's ego. I thank you for your generous and kind words.
Comment from Katya
This is interesting. I got pulled into it, even though it isn't the kind of thing I would normally read. A little too tangled and dry for my taste. But well-written.
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
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This is interesting. I got pulled into it, even though it isn't the kind of thing I would normally read. A little too tangled and dry for my taste. But well-written.
Comment Written 26-May-2018
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
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Thank you Katya. there ain't a whole lot of fun in this world. I really appreciate your reading my work.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
INteresting, but has a disappointing ending. After all the facts in the report, no conclusion is drawn. We never know why the FBI got involved and why so many people who knew him were killed. You need an ENDING. Think of who the man can be, and reveal it at the end.
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
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INteresting, but has a disappointing ending. After all the facts in the report, no conclusion is drawn. We never know why the FBI got involved and why so many people who knew him were killed. You need an ENDING. Think of who the man can be, and reveal it at the end.
Comment Written 25-May-2018
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
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It's sometimes difficult to get everything in, but fear not, all will be revealed as quickly as possible. Thank you for reading and I do take your point.
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Oh, that is not the whole story? If it's to be continued, please write "to be continued" at the end. :)
Comment from Debbie Pope
Well done second installment. Thank you for all of the lists that you provide. They were helpful in keeping things straight. The plot is complicated. Complicated even more by the restrictions in Jackson's knowledge. The plot is driving the story so far. Hope to get to know Jackson soon.
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
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Well done second installment. Thank you for all of the lists that you provide. They were helpful in keeping things straight. The plot is complicated. Complicated even more by the restrictions in Jackson's knowledge. The plot is driving the story so far. Hope to get to know Jackson soon.
Comment Written 25-May-2018
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
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Thank you Debbie, there's only another 65 instalments to go. I hope to get one out a day so maybe by early September you'll get the whole story. People who've already read the entire work say it gets better. Please don't be afraid to be critical.
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Very interesting and mysterious. Who is Jackson and why are these people after him. I enjoyed the story and look forward to reading more. I saw no errors and didn't feel it was too long, but I know these days everyone wants short stories to read.
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
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Very interesting and mysterious. Who is Jackson and why are these people after him. I enjoyed the story and look forward to reading more. I saw no errors and didn't feel it was too long, but I know these days everyone wants short stories to read.
Comment Written 25-May-2018
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
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Thank you Roxanne. I really appreciate your stopping by to read and review my work. I hope you have a nice weekend in Florida. Guess you're in the middle of your summer, we're presently struggling through the cool of winter
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I would like to be in the cool of winter. It is only May and way too hot already and humid from all the rain. I do not like it at all. I became a fan so I can read the rest of the story. I found part one so now know more then I did before. Well done. You have a good weekend too. Rox
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Could you please send us some of the rain, we're extremely dry at the moment
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I would be happy to. =}
