Deadly Date - Part 1
The perils of eating the wrong thing12 total reviews
Comment from RFL
Well, Roxanna, you have made this adventure sound very real. Kudos to you for that!
Your message is interesting. Are you sure? As Shakespeare wrote: "Thou protest too much," or something like that. So, to quote another famous line: "Honesty is the best policy." Was that your message? Will it be? I am awaiting Part II although I am not a fan of bathroom humor. Could you clean it up a bit? :) I know good description is important in a story -- the old "show instead of tell" principle. But, I had to spray my study while I was reading your story. :) Since you are an accomplished writer I hesitate to make suggestions, but maybe you will think they are worthwhile.
1) I want to know your characters better. Who is Jake? What is his background? Where is your unfortunate heroine coming from?
2) Perhaps proof a bit more. I found several grammatical errors or maybe typos, for example, you don't capitalize Jake; "most mild" should be mildest.
I hope you have found my suggestions helpful. Best wishes for your continued success, Rona.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
   |
Well, Roxanna, you have made this adventure sound very real. Kudos to you for that!
Your message is interesting. Are you sure? As Shakespeare wrote: "Thou protest too much," or something like that. So, to quote another famous line: "Honesty is the best policy." Was that your message? Will it be? I am awaiting Part II although I am not a fan of bathroom humor. Could you clean it up a bit? :) I know good description is important in a story -- the old "show instead of tell" principle. But, I had to spray my study while I was reading your story. :) Since you are an accomplished writer I hesitate to make suggestions, but maybe you will think they are worthwhile.
1) I want to know your characters better. Who is Jake? What is his background? Where is your unfortunate heroine coming from?
2) Perhaps proof a bit more. I found several grammatical errors or maybe typos, for example, you don't capitalize Jake; "most mild" should be mildest.
I hope you have found my suggestions helpful. Best wishes for your continued success, Rona.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-May-2018
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
-
No, not so accomplished, believe me I make way too many boo, boos, more every year it seems. But thank you for the read even though it's not your thing. Sorry you had to spray your study. =} I hope you will see a bit more about Jake in part 2. Thanks for the helps, have a good weekend. Rox
Comment from kiwijenny
I truly laughed out loud several times...defcon 5 lol
I love Indian food but it is not for the faint of tummy
Ha h a ha ha ...Jake is in for a tough ride
God bless
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
|
I truly laughed out loud several times...defcon 5 lol
I love Indian food but it is not for the faint of tummy
Ha h a ha ha ...Jake is in for a tough ride
God bless
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-May-2018
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
-
Thanks so much. I was inspired by several other things I had read that had me in stitches. Why is gas so funny? Thanks again. Rox
