Deadly Date - Part 1
The perils of eating the wrong thing12 total reviews
Comment from Thesis
Quite amusing. We have all experienced similar type experiences at one time or another. The situation you've described is intense, since it is a first date and the character does not know the other person that well, not to be embarassed.
Looking forward to part 2
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
  |
Quite amusing. We have all experienced similar type experiences at one time or another. The situation you've described is intense, since it is a first date and the character does not know the other person that well, not to be embarassed.
Looking forward to part 2
Comment Written 28-May-2018
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
-
Thanks so much =}
Comment from aanneee
Well then...this has been a very torrid first date before even starting anything, other than a meal (hot!hot!!hot!!!) and starting a walk. The only way to go from here is UP or down. I like the voice you are using here and the descriptive parts that give the reader a bit of of knowledge about the narrator. Very nicely done and I thank you for the read...Dinah
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
|
Well then...this has been a very torrid first date before even starting anything, other than a meal (hot!hot!!hot!!!) and starting a walk. The only way to go from here is UP or down. I like the voice you are using here and the descriptive parts that give the reader a bit of of knowledge about the narrator. Very nicely done and I thank you for the read...Dinah
Comment Written 27-May-2018
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
-
Thank so much.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Fun start to this story. I can imagine her horror, lol. Roxanna, I made notes on speech tags. Please consider the following.
"But mommy, I have to go!" She protested.--When you have a speech tag, lower case it unless it's a proper name. she protested. The same goes for question marks.
"Well hold it until we get home!" Yelled the mom.-- yelled the mom.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 27-May-2018
|
Fun start to this story. I can imagine her horror, lol. Roxanna, I made notes on speech tags. Please consider the following.
"But mommy, I have to go!" She protested.--When you have a speech tag, lower case it unless it's a proper name. she protested. The same goes for question marks.
"Well hold it until we get home!" Yelled the mom.-- yelled the mom.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 27-May-2018
reply by the author on 27-May-2018
-
Thank you. I have been told both ways on the speech thing, if it ends with period, question mark so on, upper case. But I have never done it that way before, so I'll go back to my old way of doing that. Thank you so much again. Rox
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Rox;
This is a great story idea. I think we can all relate to the dates we'd rather forget or just bad dates in general. I believe this would be a fantastic bit of fiction with a good edit.
The following are the steps I take to edit my own work:
I've noted an area where the grammar can be helped:
' We chatted easily as we knew each other and there wasn't weren't too many nerves involved.'
Next, I looked at punctuation:
'I had been living on my own a few years+, and I liked being able to come...'
'I hung out with a group from my church+, and we'd go out Sundays for lunch,' Like me, and many others, you struggle with commas in a compound sentence.
'During one of our Friday night hang outs+, he asked...'
'I hate it, I thought, but smiled...' The comma wasn't needed before the 'but,' in this sentence.
'Actually+, Indian cuisine is quite good, but very spicy and I didn't do well with spicy food.' The word, actually, is an introduction, and the comma before 'but' isn't needed.
'"I'm not too good with spicy food+, so I'm...' The word 'so' is a coordinating conjunction in this sentence, and it needs to be set off by the comma.
... fire breathing dragons?! Fire breathing is a compound word and needs to be hyphenated, 'fire-breathing.'
I've highlighted several different areas where the writing is weak. The mechanics of writing are a powerful tool and help to make sure your writing is clear. My big suggestion to folks is to read the piece out loud after your first draft. You will find this first read through will help you identify glaring errors. You will hear missing words, the incorrect form of words, and often you will see your own spelling errors.
My second suggestion is to consult a style guide. These guides will help you clean up your sentence structure, and address grammatical issues you may have problems with. My favorite book is Elements of Style 2017. It is easy to read and broken down into chapters dealing with each issue.
I do hope you find my suggestions helpful.
~patty~
reply by the author on 27-May-2018
 |
Hi, Rox;
This is a great story idea. I think we can all relate to the dates we'd rather forget or just bad dates in general. I believe this would be a fantastic bit of fiction with a good edit.
The following are the steps I take to edit my own work:
I've noted an area where the grammar can be helped:
' We chatted easily as we knew each other and there
Next, I looked at punctuation:
'I had been living on my own a few years+, and I liked being able to come...'
'I hung out with a group from my church+, and we'd go out Sundays for lunch,' Like me, and many others, you struggle with commas in a compound sentence.
'During one of our Friday night hang outs+, he asked...'
'I hate it, I thought
'Actually+, Indian cuisine is quite good
'"I'm not too good with spicy food+, so I'm...' The word 'so' is a coordinating conjunction in this sentence, and it needs to be set off by the comma.
... fire breathing dragons?! Fire breathing is a compound word and needs to be hyphenated, 'fire-breathing.'
I've highlighted several different areas where the writing is weak. The mechanics of writing are a powerful tool and help to make sure your writing is clear. My big suggestion to folks is to read the piece out loud after your first draft. You will find this first read through will help you identify glaring errors. You will hear missing words, the incorrect form of words, and often you will see your own spelling errors.
My second suggestion is to consult a style guide. These guides will help you clean up your sentence structure, and address grammatical issues you may have problems with. My favorite book is Elements of Style 2017. It is easy to read and broken down into chapters dealing with each issue.
I do hope you find my suggestions helpful.
~patty~
Comment Written 27-May-2018
reply by the author on 27-May-2018
-
Oh man, worser and worser. =} That's a word right? Thanks so much for the helps again. Sorry you always have to work so hard with my stuff. I had one guy just quit reading it. =} Poor thing. Thanks again. Rox
Comment from bob cullen
Please tell me the name of the Restaurant. I intend to avoid it. You have managed to retain the humour without degenerating into lavatory humour. This is told cleverly and cleanly. Now I have one question. Was their a second date. Guess I'll have to read part 2
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
|
Please tell me the name of the Restaurant. I intend to avoid it. You have managed to retain the humour without degenerating into lavatory humour. This is told cleverly and cleanly. Now I have one question. Was their a second date. Guess I'll have to read part 2
Comment Written 26-May-2018
reply by the author on 26-May-2018
-
Yes you'll have to read part two, I can't give anything away. Thanks so much for the great review. I did eat at an Indian restaurant once. My niece and nephew in law were visiting and they have to go to as many little out of the way places as possible, we went to more little coffee shops. Anyway the waiter said what he would bring what they give to the children. Those are some tough kids, let me tell you. The food was good, but so hot. I will not make a return trip. But the story is fiction, really, it is. =} Rox
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Hi Roxanna,
I loved this humour fiction story/.
I agree this would be a nightmare event and I'm not sure I would have plunged in as bravely as this woman did.
I ave to admit that although very sympathetic I had to giggle too.
Very well plotted.
Blessings
Shirley
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
 |
Hi Roxanna,
I loved this humour fiction story/.
I agree this would be a nightmare event and I'm not sure I would have plunged in as bravely as this woman did.
I ave to admit that although very sympathetic I had to giggle too.
Very well plotted.
Blessings
Shirley
Comment Written 25-May-2018
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
-
Thanks so much Shirley. My book is taking a lot out of me so I needed to do something lighthearted and funny for a change. Thank you so much for the 6 stars. Have a great weekend.
Comment from royowen
What a crock, this must have seemed like the ultimate irony of a date with someone you don't want to think badly of you. Like you I hate spicy food, and I'm not fond of Indian either. I must read the sequel, it's a fascinating tale, this could expose the guy's feeling fo you! Well done Roxanna, good scribing, blessings, Roy
Typo : as it (w)as supposed to. 2: sound(s) perfect, "I said." 3: our food arrive(d) 4: "But mommy, I have to go." She protest(ed)
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
|
What a crock, this must have seemed like the ultimate irony of a date with someone you don't want to think badly of you. Like you I hate spicy food, and I'm not fond of Indian either. I must read the sequel, it's a fascinating tale, this could expose the guy's feeling fo you! Well done Roxanna, good scribing, blessings, Roy
Typo : as it (w)as supposed to. 2: sound(s) perfect, "I said." 3: our food arrive(d) 4: "But mommy, I have to go." She protest(ed)
Comment Written 25-May-2018
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
-
Thank you Roy for the review and helps. I made the corrections. I needed to do something light hearted for a change and funny. I like being funny. Ask my co-workers. They are so nice to me and laugh at my silliness =} Have a great weekend. Rox
-
Well done Rox
Comment from papa55mike
Well, I hate it when that happens. Where's the Rolaids when you need them. Poor girl, but she was thinking quickly. This is very well written. I saw a couple of things: 1. What it "was" supposed to do 2. lava flow that invaded it.I. You need a space.
Remember our Military this weekend!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
|
Well, I hate it when that happens. Where's the Rolaids when you need them. Poor girl, but she was thinking quickly. This is very well written. I saw a couple of things: 1. What it "was" supposed to do 2. lava flow that invaded it.I. You need a space.
Remember our Military this weekend!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 25-May-2018
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
-
Thank so much for the read, review and helps. Have a good weekend.
Comment from patcelaw
Rox, this is quite well done. It reads like non fiction, which is what good fiction writing should do. I enjoyed reading the story and look forward to reading the rest of the story. Patricia
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
|
Rox, this is quite well done. It reads like non fiction, which is what good fiction writing should do. I enjoyed reading the story and look forward to reading the rest of the story. Patricia
Comment Written 25-May-2018
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
-
Thanks so much. =} Rox
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Really, wouldn't that be horrible? She can only hope he is having the very same reaction from the food as she is. That is entirely possible. It is a humorous situation and you tell it well Roxy. Can't wait to see what does happen. Nancy
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
|
Really, wouldn't that be horrible? She can only hope he is having the very same reaction from the food as she is. That is entirely possible. It is a humorous situation and you tell it well Roxy. Can't wait to see what does happen. Nancy
Comment Written 25-May-2018
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
-
Yes, very horrible. =} Thanks so much Nancy.
