Horror is my goal
A horror story.23 total reviews
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi there;
You took us on a dark journey into the horror genre with this little tale. I like the premise of the story, and I was wondering if you meant to enter it in the Horror contest.
There are a few errors in the mechanics of writing. You have several 'sentences,' which are fragments and there are grammatical errors, too. I know certain conditions interfere with your writing, and so I always take that into consideration when I read your writing.
My big suggestion to folks is to read the piece out loud after your first draft. You will find this first read through will help you identify glaring errors. You will hear missing words, the incorrect form of words, and often you will find your own spelling errors.
My second suggestion is to consult a style guide. These guides will help you clean up your sentence structure, and address grammatical issues you may have problems with. My favorite book is Elements of Style 2017. It is easy to read and broken down into chapters dealing with each issue.
I do hope you find my suggestions helpful.
~patty~
reply by the author on 24-May-2018
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Hi there;
You took us on a dark journey into the horror genre with this little tale. I like the premise of the story, and I was wondering if you meant to enter it in the Horror contest.
There are a few errors in the mechanics of writing. You have several 'sentences,' which are fragments and there are grammatical errors, too. I know certain conditions interfere with your writing, and so I always take that into consideration when I read your writing.
My big suggestion to folks is to read the piece out loud after your first draft. You will find this first read through will help you identify glaring errors. You will hear missing words, the incorrect form of words, and often you will find your own spelling errors.
My second suggestion is to consult a style guide. These guides will help you clean up your sentence structure, and address grammatical issues you may have problems with. My favorite book is Elements of Style 2017. It is easy to read and broken down into chapters dealing with each issue.
I do hope you find my suggestions helpful.
~patty~
Comment Written 24-May-2018
reply by the author on 24-May-2018
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Thanks for your kind review, ine. Have a good last part of week. Thanks for the tips; I should have grammarly, but can't find it.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
There is some nice tension wrought out in this piece, and you managed to create a very eerie and creepy tone. Good storyline going on too.
A lot of the sentences aren't completely grammatically correct which gives a disjoint to the read. there are mixed tenses and some awkward phrasing.
The rating reflects the work that I think needs done to bring this up rather than a reflection on the validity of the story.
and how I end here - ended up here?
Shivers run right now about my body - maybe try through here rather than about.
Where am I and how did I get here. - this could do with a question mark.
A cold wind is blowing through the fog I shiver again,- perhaps use a dash between fog and I.
This last desperate howl sounded what prompts me to walk faster. - perhaps delete what from this sentence.
the light I keep stopping - maybe just 'I stop'.
peripheral vision by shoots silently - shoots by.
and does not seem to finish more - delete more.
By looking up while running I stumble somewhere and fly over the ground. - insert a comma after running and maybe delete somewhere.
cannot could be a single word when used.
It sounds like a devilish laughter which deprives my breath - that's a very good line - chilling.
and trembling dare to stand up on my feet.- put commas around trembling and omit 'up on my feet'.
Be careful of mixing your tenses in certain words. It gives an odd feel to the piece and is a tad confusing.
so that I would never run against- I think you need anything at the very end here.
and see bloody shacks- not shacks is the right word here.
The bedroom door is screaming my son of three and crying - In the bedroom door screaming.
I look down at the bloodied face - need punctuation to close things off at the very end.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-May-2018
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Hi there,
There is some nice tension wrought out in this piece, and you managed to create a very eerie and creepy tone. Good storyline going on too.
A lot of the sentences aren't completely grammatically correct which gives a disjoint to the read. there are mixed tenses and some awkward phrasing.
The rating reflects the work that I think needs done to bring this up rather than a reflection on the validity of the story.
and how I end here - ended up here?
Shivers run right now about my body - maybe try through here rather than about.
Where am I and how did I get here. - this could do with a question mark.
A cold wind is blowing through the fog I shiver again,- perhaps use a dash between fog and I.
This last desperate howl sounded what prompts me to walk faster. - perhaps delete what from this sentence.
the light I keep stopping - maybe just 'I stop'.
peripheral vision by shoots silently - shoots by.
and does not seem to finish more - delete more.
By looking up while running I stumble somewhere and fly over the ground. - insert a comma after running and maybe delete somewhere.
cannot could be a single word when used.
It sounds like a devilish laughter which deprives my breath - that's a very good line - chilling.
and trembling dare to stand up on my feet.- put commas around trembling and omit 'up on my feet'.
Be careful of mixing your tenses in certain words. It gives an odd feel to the piece and is a tad confusing.
so that I would never run against- I think you need anything at the very end here.
and see bloody shacks- not shacks is the right word here.
The bedroom door is screaming my son of three and crying - In the bedroom door screaming.
I look down at the bloodied face - need punctuation to close things off at the very end.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-May-2018
reply by the author on 24-May-2018
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thanks
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Ine. So you are venturing into the genre of prose and horror. It's always good to try something new. It challenges us. The premise of your story is a good one. You've described some horrific scenes, including the ending. I would suggest some editing as here and there it is bit unclear for this reader and word choices are off. Nevertheless, I commend you for reaching out to something new. Marilyn
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-May-2018
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Hi Ine. So you are venturing into the genre of prose and horror. It's always good to try something new. It challenges us. The premise of your story is a good one. You've described some horrific scenes, including the ending. I would suggest some editing as here and there it is bit unclear for this reader and word choices are off. Nevertheless, I commend you for reaching out to something new. Marilyn
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-May-2018
reply by the author on 24-May-2018
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Thanks for your review, Ine. Have a good last part of the week. I will check later. Did you know that Fia/Dutchie is most likely going to leave Fanstory. It takes her a week o post something and she only gets 10 reviews.. I'd be lost without her.
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No. I did not know that. I always enjoy her work and hope that she stays. We all go through dry spells.
