A Created World
Is this the next phase in technology.10 total reviews
Comment from aanneee
So! Alright, I don't think I breathed at all reading this, just holding my old breath. I don't normally read this sort of writing, never have but I am totally thrilled that I did not miss this one. Way over my head but like I said, glad I read it. Thank you very much...Dinah
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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So! Alright, I don't think I breathed at all reading this, just holding my old breath. I don't normally read this sort of writing, never have but I am totally thrilled that I did not miss this one. Way over my head but like I said, glad I read it. Thank you very much...Dinah
Comment Written 26-May-2018
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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I usually don't write any horror at all, but this one has been haunting for almost a year. Many thanks for the kind words and awesome review. It's deeply appreciated.
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Good scene setting at the off. Nice descriptiveness in the early sections and getting to the problem pretty quickly. Good start.
"Yes, they were the first to develop a brain-computer interface by attaching electrodes to a monkey's brain, I believe?"- this struck me as more of a stated answer than a question.
and started throwing a huge tantrum - it may be different in the States, but generally speaking professionals wouldn't refer to these episodes as 'tantrums', a more official term may be 'meltdowns', or 'episodes'. Just an observation [This is what I do for a living].
"We need you to find a way in to shut it down without going in there." - I would suggest deleting the first usage of in here, after way.
Is there any terminals up?" - maybe are rather than is here.
I hadn't thought about in years - about it?
Please call me Cathy, only my mother can call me, Catherine - I would think about changing this to 'only my mother called me...' given she's dead and that forms part of the nightmare.
Her eyes glare at through the darkness. - glare at me?
to stop this Cathy, Her vitals are through - her.
If Cathy is at terms with the nightmare about her parents, would she not have some other fear which would have become more dominant? the child would surely know this and know it wasn't her greatest fear anymore. This may be a slight flaw in the story.
Reminded me a little of 'the Lawnmower Man.'
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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Hi there,
Good scene setting at the off. Nice descriptiveness in the early sections and getting to the problem pretty quickly. Good start.
"Yes, they were the first to develop a brain-computer interface by attaching electrodes to a monkey's brain, I believe?"- this struck me as more of a stated answer than a question.
and started throwing a huge tantrum - it may be different in the States, but generally speaking professionals wouldn't refer to these episodes as 'tantrums', a more official term may be 'meltdowns', or 'episodes'. Just an observation [This is what I do for a living].
"We need you to find a way in to shut it down without going in there." - I would suggest deleting the first usage of in here, after way.
Is there any terminals up?" - maybe are rather than is here.
I hadn't thought about in years - about it?
Please call me Cathy, only my mother can call me, Catherine - I would think about changing this to 'only my mother called me...' given she's dead and that forms part of the nightmare.
Her eyes glare at through the darkness. - glare at me?
to stop this Cathy, Her vitals are through - her.
If Cathy is at terms with the nightmare about her parents, would she not have some other fear which would have become more dominant? the child would surely know this and know it wasn't her greatest fear anymore. This may be a slight flaw in the story.
Reminded me a little of 'the Lawnmower Man.'
Comment Written 26-May-2018
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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Hello, my friend, thanks for stopping by and for all the help. It's always appreciated. I usually don't write this genre, but this on has been haunting for a year. Thanks again.
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from HaleyBel
It is kind of scary. The fact it could become real. A very clever thought out piece of writing? It is definitely gripping. Is it the beginning of a book? It is excellent. I will not be ready for it. I would like it to remain fiction, well-improving someone's life is one thing. Creating a real human bot! Well... I find it scary.
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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It is kind of scary. The fact it could become real. A very clever thought out piece of writing? It is definitely gripping. Is it the beginning of a book? It is excellent. I will not be ready for it. I would like it to remain fiction, well-improving someone's life is one thing. Creating a real human bot! Well... I find it scary.
Comment Written 26-May-2018
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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I usually don't write this genre, but this one has been haunting me for a year. A book, maybe a short story collection. I have a few others from way back. Many thanks for the kind words and awesome review.
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from Swampfox1
It's nice that the science is real. This was a wonderful story, I enjoyed every single word of it and the biggest part of it is that it is well written, flows very well and it is like reading an old tyme novel written by one of the masters that I have read during my childhood. Great job, absolutely , thanks for sharing, have a blessed day
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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It's nice that the science is real. This was a wonderful story, I enjoyed every single word of it and the biggest part of it is that it is well written, flows very well and it is like reading an old tyme novel written by one of the masters that I have read during my childhood. Great job, absolutely , thanks for sharing, have a blessed day
Comment Written 25-May-2018
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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Many thanks for the awesome review, kind words, and those shiny six stars. I usually don't write this genre, but this one has been haunting for a year. The research was stunning, I had the idea of what I wanted to write then started looking for the science part to back it up and easily found it. Thanks again!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
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You are very welcome.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
You write very well. I like how you show follow through on your actions. It makes it 3D and not flat. It also creates imagery so the reader feels they are participating. You develop the suspense very slowly and very effectively. You invite the reader to visit their worst nightmare. A great topic for discussion. You are giving a very healing message that if we have worked through our worst memories or worries or fears they will not control us. This is all a great metaphor. Very well written.
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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You write very well. I like how you show follow through on your actions. It makes it 3D and not flat. It also creates imagery so the reader feels they are participating. You develop the suspense very slowly and very effectively. You invite the reader to visit their worst nightmare. A great topic for discussion. You are giving a very healing message that if we have worked through our worst memories or worries or fears they will not control us. This is all a great metaphor. Very well written.
Comment Written 25-May-2018
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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Many thanks for the awesome review and kind words. I usually don't write this genre, but this one has been haunting me for a year. The research was stunning, I had a idea of what I wanted to write then started looking for the science to back it up and easily found it. Thanks again.
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from Wendy Winter
I had a little boy with T 18, very similar situation to the child in your story but without the "room". He was released into heaven where I imagine he also feels complete freedom. Your story was amazing and I like your profile picture. Its funny that you have the camera blocking your face. Thanks for sharing. Wendy.
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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I had a little boy with T 18, very similar situation to the child in your story but without the "room". He was released into heaven where I imagine he also feels complete freedom. Your story was amazing and I like your profile picture. Its funny that you have the camera blocking your face. Thanks for sharing. Wendy.
Comment Written 25-May-2018
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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I have a 17 year old granddaughter who was born with the genetic disorder Trysomy 22 or cat eye syndrome. We're so blessed to have her in our lives, but I can't wait to get to heaven and see her completely healed and the woman she wants to be. I guess It was Shynoa in many ways in this story, the room with all the doors is partly how I think she looks at me sometimes. I know she wants to be more than what she is, she looks at me like it's on the tip of her tongue and can't find a way. Some day soon, though. Many thanks for the kind words and awesome review. The picture, I'm actually a little camera shy, well a lot.
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
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Your welcome. Its nice to hear from someone who has also been close to a child with Trisomy. Most people have never heard of it. These kids inspire us to be better people. With much love, Wendy.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
This was a gripping story Mike. I am really afraid of technology. It is moving much too fast and so evil person will get some kind of artificial power some day and either change or lives or destroy us. God help us. Well done. Nancy
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
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This was a gripping story Mike. I am really afraid of technology. It is moving much too fast and so evil person will get some kind of artificial power some day and either change or lives or destroy us. God help us. Well done. Nancy
Comment Written 22-May-2018
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
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Thank you for the kind words, Nancy. It's been a busy week but I keep plugging along.
Remember our Military this weekend!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from Sherman541
I hope we are not only ready for what happens, but we have safe fail systems in place for what could happen and we are prepared to stop the worst things while allowing the best technology to continue and grow. This is rather scary - but it became controllable. I would worry about what we cannot control - once out of control who knows where it will end. Sherman
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
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I hope we are not only ready for what happens, but we have safe fail systems in place for what could happen and we are prepared to stop the worst things while allowing the best technology to continue and grow. This is rather scary - but it became controllable. I would worry about what we cannot control - once out of control who knows where it will end. Sherman
Comment Written 21-May-2018
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
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Thank you for the kind words, it was a blast to research. It's been a very busy week but I keep plugging along.
Remember our Military this weekend!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
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You are most welcome ;) here also very busy - God Bless always
Comment from bob cullen
This is quite brilliant. It is original, at least to me. And in all probability credible. If not today, certainly somewhere in our technological future. Your characters are superb and the dialogue sensational.
To this technological moron, everything you wrote appeared feasible. Mind controlling devices are I'm sure already being developed.
A really great write
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
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This is quite brilliant. It is original, at least to me. And in all probability credible. If not today, certainly somewhere in our technological future. Your characters are superb and the dialogue sensational.
To this technological moron, everything you wrote appeared feasible. Mind controlling devices are I'm sure already being developed.
A really great write
Comment Written 21-May-2018
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
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Many thanks for the kind words and those shiny 6 stars! This story was a blast to research. I am also tech challenged in so many ways.
Remember our Military this weekend!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello, interesting story you have here. I enjoyed it, and it is interesting that fiction often goes before the science. I have seen this happen before. I noticed no errors, and it reads smoothly with good dialogue.
Thanks for sharing your writing, which I would recommend to other readers for review, Ana.
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
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Hello, interesting story you have here. I enjoyed it, and it is interesting that fiction often goes before the science. I have seen this happen before. I noticed no errors, and it reads smoothly with good dialogue.
Thanks for sharing your writing, which I would recommend to other readers for review, Ana.
Comment Written 21-May-2018
reply by the author on 25-May-2018
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Many thanks for the kind words. This story was a blast to research. Remember our Military this weekend!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
