Comment from Mastery

Excellent

Hi, Alie. I am following this fairly well now and admire your imgination in your writing. The sexual overtones keep the story alive for sure.

Suggestions: "She smiled and chuckled," I think "giggled" would be more realistic here, Alie.

Also: "She was gasping and leaning against him in anticipation. Suddenly and surprisingly the soapy sponge . . . etc." (Was gasping and moaning" is passive.)

Try "She gasped and moaned for a better sound and reality. Also, get rid of the adverbs. Any words ending in "ly" As it says in Stephen King's book called "On Writing" adverbs are the dandelions or weeds of good writing. He says writers too often use them as a crutch instead of employing strong verbs to get the point across.

"Suddenly and surprisingly the soapy sponge literally drifted to her right hip and made a slow, teasing journey down her right leg." Try, The soapy sponge drifted to her right hip and made a slow teasing journey down her right leg."

We need adverbs and it is okay to use them from time to time, but I think if you will check yourself on some of these you will do better,my friend.

(You have about a dozen adverbs in this piece) It is just a good thing to break this habit for future writes.

You are a good writer....now you can be better. :) Blessings, Bob

 Comment Written 16-May-2018

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reply by the author on 16-May-2018

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate your observant comments and will make those changes soon and will attempt to watch the adverbs in the future. Blessings Bob.

Comment from Pantygynt

Excellent

Writing of sexual encounters in a novel that is not purely designed as a piece of erotica is a fraught business where the author can easily be accused either of going over the top or, if the reader is left hanging there in anticipation, of unrealistic prudery. Where this is further complicated by a genuine affection that has grown up between the two people is doubly fraught.

I am a simple poet and not a novelist so I cannot advise really except to say that I was perhaps surprised but not shocked by the sexual detail that I think will be fully justified as we see the plot develop. This was a good piece of tightrope walking as far as I am concerned.

 Comment Written 16-May-2018

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reply by the author on 16-May-2018

Thank you for reading and reviewing and for your observant comments. I take all of them to heart.

Comment from MelB

Excellent

A good continuation of the last chapter. That was a very steamy shower! Now, I'm curious what they are making for dinner. LOL

 Comment Written 15-May-2018

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reply by the author on 16-May-2018

LOL, you will just have to wait. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing Mel, I appreciate your comments and curiosity.

reply by MelB on 16-May-2018

You're welcome:)

Comment from BeasPeas

Excellent

Hi Alie. Well done erotic scene which is well described but not offensive. I did find one typo to fix here: "He was kind enough to quickly dry her back and she in turned (turn) dried hers (his).
Marilyn

 Comment Written 15-May-2018

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reply by the author on 16-May-2018

Thank you so much Marilyn, I will fix that shortly, so glad you caught it.

Comment from meeshu

Excellent

this is quite nicely written, Aryr. I know for myself writing love scenes is difficult. you have found balance between raw passion and sappy romance. one little glitch--she is drying her own back........meeshu

 Comment Written 15-May-2018

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reply by the author on 16-May-2018

Thank you so much for reviewing, lol someone else pointed that out, so it will be fixed shortly, thanks for your comments.

Comment from Mabaker

Exceptional

WOW!!! My traveling sister can write erotica! That was so well done Alie, but I only read it once. Just in case I...LOL.
I'm looking forward to Gray making another longer appearance. I like him. He has character. Love U Anne

 Comment Written 15-May-2018

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reply by the author on 16-May-2018

LOL, Anne, once in a while I surprise people. Gray is never ever out of the picture. Thanks for reviewing and for your kind comments and for the six stars.

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi there,

You did a good job with this instalment. It hit the right marks and didn't come across as childish or crude as these things so often can.

that she really wanted him to get too. - to.

He was kind enough to quickly dry her back and she in turned dried hers - dried his?

 Comment Written 15-May-2018

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reply by the author on 16-May-2018

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I will fix the first one shortly and two others have addressed the second.

Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell

Excellent

This has to be a virtual 6, OMG! That was one very hot piece of writing, Ali! You certainly know how to write a love scene! Well done, I expect your male readers will be heading for the cold showers now, (or their wives) LOL!! :) Sandra xxx

 Comment Written 15-May-2018

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reply by the author on 16-May-2018

LOL Sandra, I am so glad you enjoyed it. I really appreciated your comments. Oh my maybe some of those wives do not want the attention. It was an experiment for me, but not my regular style. Thanks for reviewing.

Comment from Katya

Excellent

This was well-written and highly erotic. It is a nice read, with good detail and description. The teasing part was particularly well done. Thank you very much for posting it.

 Comment Written 15-May-2018

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reply by the author on 16-May-2018

Thank you so much for reviewing and for your kind comments.

Comment from JC Shurburtt

Excellent

I thought the descriptions here were outstanding. You didn't go overboard with the sexual stuff as some tend to do. It was well-written, but made an impact because you held off on over-the-top metaphors. I liked it quite a bit. I think this is very good writing. Keep it up.

 Comment Written 15-May-2018

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reply by the author on 16-May-2018

Thank you so much for reading and then taking the time to review. I really appreciate your kind comments.