A Roadmap Through Paradise
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Kids"short stories
7 total reviews
Comment from apky
Kids is a story I'd have written very differently but you chose the narrative way. In my experience, the narrative, especially as you have done it here, does indeed keep the reader at arm's length. The reader is a spectator. They may care or not care for the characters. I prefer to make the reader part of the characters. I want them involved and engaged with the characters, not just observing them.
The tory in itself is great because it has a profound message to impart: the vicious circle of dysfunctional family relationships. A social problem most people can relate to.
Some glitches I found are listed below.
He worked very long hours, departing on the six thirty train before anyone else in the house had gotten up for breakfast, and rarely arriving back on anything before the seven thirty p.m. local from Penn Station. ~ this sentence made me hesitate and read it three times. I got what you meant but it still is an awkward seentence; the "arriving back on anything" is the culprit, I think.
pr(or?) at least granted them a kind of status.
The boys weren't close to their father so it's understandable that they stand at the edge of the grave with uncertainty. But hands in their pockets? Definitely not. They're Elizabeth's kids and all those films they watched must have shown them hands don't belong in pockets at nay funeral. I think Elizabeth would have seen to it that her boys adhere to etiquette.
The waitresses(waitress's OR waitress') name was Krystal.
and (in) some cases, even had kids of their own.
She left strange messages on their answering machine, sometimes not saying (anything) at all.
sitting around in(at) the dinner table of their red damask dining
reply by the author on 24-May-2018
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Kids is a story I'd have written very differently but you chose the narrative way. In my experience, the narrative, especially as you have done it here, does indeed keep the reader at arm's length. The reader is a spectator. They may care or not care for the characters. I prefer to make the reader part of the characters. I want them involved and engaged with the characters, not just observing them.
The tory in itself is great because it has a profound message to impart: the vicious circle of dysfunctional family relationships. A social problem most people can relate to.
Some glitches I found are listed below.
He worked very long hours, departing on the six thirty train before anyone else in the house had gotten up for breakfast, and rarely arriving back on anything before the seven thirty p.m. local from Penn Station. ~ this sentence made me hesitate and read it three times. I got what you meant but it still is an awkward seentence; the "arriving back on anything" is the culprit, I think.
pr(or?) at least granted them a kind of status.
The boys weren't close to their father so it's understandable that they stand at the edge of the grave with uncertainty. But hands in their pockets? Definitely not. They're Elizabeth's kids and all those films they watched must have shown them hands don't belong in pockets at nay funeral. I think Elizabeth would have seen to it that her boys adhere to etiquette.
The waitresses(waitress's OR waitress') name was Krystal.
and (in) some cases, even had kids of their own.
She left strange messages on their answering machine, sometimes not saying (anything) at all.
sitting around in(at) the dinner table of their red damask dining
Comment Written 23-May-2018
reply by the author on 24-May-2018
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Thank you so much for your excellent review, and your comments and suggestions, about this story. It is very much in the style of one of my idols, John Cheever, and I definitely wanted the distance between readers and characters; I don't really want you to sympathize with them, but gain a measure of understanding in how they manipulate each other. But there is more dialogue in some of my other stories; I definitely feel that it is necessary to bring characters to life, and put the reader in the action, when you want them there. It may go through a rewrite along those lines at some point,; I agree with your criticism of it. As for the nits, i'll take a look at them and edit sometime. It is a very different type of story than the action/mystery crime you do, and I do appreciate your giving me a perspective on the story that I wouldn't otherwise of had. Different viewpoints are important, in sculpting the work. Thanks again, hope to continue readiing your stories and that you enjoy some more of mine; Broken Christmas Ornaments is next. estory
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Always happy to offer my two cents.
Comment from Artasylum
I hung out (not a mistake) on every word. This prologue is like looking through a key hole at a family's life and I couldn't look away. I haven't had this experience while reading reading...
I will dig into more of your gems.
The story here isn't uncommon. There are all sorts of families out there that live in this pathos their entire lives; some actually marry but their spouses will never be the Big Wife.
I'm in awe. yours, diana
reply by the author on 17-May-2018
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I hung out (not a mistake) on every word. This prologue is like looking through a key hole at a family's life and I couldn't look away. I haven't had this experience while reading reading...
I will dig into more of your gems.
The story here isn't uncommon. There are all sorts of families out there that live in this pathos their entire lives; some actually marry but their spouses will never be the Big Wife.
I'm in awe. yours, diana
Comment Written 16-May-2018
reply by the author on 17-May-2018
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Thanks again for all the support and your wonderful comments and suggestions in support of this story. I enjoy writing humorous pieces, many of them in the style of Cheever, who I think was one of the greatest comedic short story writers in the 20th century. I also love stories that deal with family emotional problems, interpersonal relationships, and the struggle of the individual versus society and the group. These struggles define our sense of self and purpose, and are at the crux of our being. Maybe more will be coming. We'll see. estory
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
A broken toy that the family can not quite get rid of <-- great ending sentence to a sick story
But, as you point out, this kind of life is all the woman knew, and so it became all her sons knew, with a brief period of freedom they gave up for her. Too attached to their mom? Definitely. She won, but she lost her chance at grandkids, which might have taken the place of her children in her heart. We'll never know.
The waitresses name was Krystal. <-- Possessive tense, so spell it like this: waitress's name
reply by the author on 15-May-2018
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A broken toy that the family can not quite get rid of <-- great ending sentence to a sick story
But, as you point out, this kind of life is all the woman knew, and so it became all her sons knew, with a brief period of freedom they gave up for her. Too attached to their mom? Definitely. She won, but she lost her chance at grandkids, which might have taken the place of her children in her heart. We'll never know.
The waitresses name was Krystal. <-- Possessive tense, so spell it like this: waitress's name
Comment Written 15-May-2018
reply by the author on 15-May-2018
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Thanks for the excellent review and your comments supporting this story estory
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This ones a hopper by site standard in terms of length but sometimes, it's as long as it needs to be, right?
duck orange and cr�?�¨me vichysoisse - needs edited for code here.
for them; pr at least granted them - or at least.
Edward would bake a crestfallen souffl�?�©, - need edited for code.
The waitresses name was Krystal. - waitress's in this instance.
"We'll see," she said, cryptically, "What becomes of all this." - the second piece of dialogue after the tag should start lower case.
sometimes not saying at all- is there a word missing here - anything, perhaps?
"He's having dinner," Elizabeth said firmly, "Because - because should be lower case. it's continuing dialogue where the first part hasn't been closed off.
"Mom," he said, "You've got to stop hanging - same thing here.
"Alex, I'm going home," she said, "And if you move back - and again here.
I enjoyed this. A circular feel to the piece and that's how the manipulation works.
good stuff
G
reply by the author on 14-May-2018
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Hi there,
This ones a hopper by site standard in terms of length but sometimes, it's as long as it needs to be, right?
duck orange and cr�?�¨me vichysoisse - needs edited for code here.
for them; pr at least granted them - or at least.
Edward would bake a crestfallen souffl�?�©, - need edited for code.
The waitresses name was Krystal. - waitress's in this instance.
"We'll see," she said, cryptically, "What becomes of all this." - the second piece of dialogue after the tag should start lower case.
sometimes not saying at all- is there a word missing here - anything, perhaps?
"He's having dinner," Elizabeth said firmly, "Because - because should be lower case. it's continuing dialogue where the first part hasn't been closed off.
"Mom," he said, "You've got to stop hanging - same thing here.
"Alex, I'm going home," she said, "And if you move back - and again here.
I enjoyed this. A circular feel to the piece and that's how the manipulation works.
good stuff
G
Comment Written 13-May-2018
reply by the author on 14-May-2018
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Thanks for the review and for the suggestions and comments. I am glad you liked it. I think there is a problem with the site software with these French words. they don't translate onto the site well. It is a bit long for this site; actually, as a short story, it is only about 6 or 7 pages long, which is pretty short. But no one read it, so I suppose I will have to break these up into two parts and it will cost a lot more in promotion. I'm starting to wonder how many serious writers are really on this site. There's a few, but most seem to into these 8 syllable poems and one line poems and 150 word pieces. Not stuff I consider serious writing. estory
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Yeah the accents seem to come across better on the advanced editor. I know what you mean about the site. There is an aversion to longer stuff. I get a bit fed up sometimes with the shortness. A lot of other publications only consider 3000 words and up.
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I'm getting tired of Fanstory and I think I am considering moving somewhere else. the talent here is miniscule, the knowledge of literature mundane, and the effort of most writers here is ridiculous. its not worth $120 every two years. estory
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It is what it is. This isn't my only playground either but I still enjoy it for what it is on occasion.
Comment from gene roush
This story grasps a common theme among many of my college friends. Families that appear functional and loving on the surface but lack the ability to truly communicate and love.
Your telling has the feel of household and because of that it was difficult for me to become emotionally involved.
So bravo for establishing the cold self serving protaganist, unfortunately it doesn't allow for me, personally, to care for the characters.
Thanks for sharing.
Gene
reply by the author on 14-May-2018
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This story grasps a common theme among many of my college friends. Families that appear functional and loving on the surface but lack the ability to truly communicate and love.
Your telling has the feel of household and because of that it was difficult for me to become emotionally involved.
So bravo for establishing the cold self serving protaganist, unfortunately it doesn't allow for me, personally, to care for the characters.
Thanks for sharing.
Gene
Comment Written 13-May-2018
reply by the author on 14-May-2018
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Thanks for the review, I think I really don't want you to like the characters. They are kind of sick, morbid, and damaged. I wanted lots of distance and perspective, which is why I did it as a narrative. In a way, it is a bit one dimensional, and uncomplicated. estory
Comment from meeshu
this is a very good write, Estory. these people are sooooo boring! which is the perfect backdrop for the mother's occasional oddity....well done.........meeshu
reply by the author on 14-May-2018
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this is a very good write, Estory. these people are sooooo boring! which is the perfect backdrop for the mother's occasional oddity....well done.........meeshu
Comment Written 13-May-2018
reply by the author on 14-May-2018
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Thanks for the excellent review and the wonderful comments supporting this piece. I am glad you liked it. It's not only the mother who is odd...the kids are out there too. estory
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello Estory, nice to see you today in this writing, which I enjoyed reading. A great family story and I was surprised when Robert died. I liked both your descriptive writing and your dialogue. You write with a nice easy to read style and I found nothing jarring. They are indeed a disturbed family and that is the case with a lot of families, LOL
I would recommend this nicely written family story to other readers for review, Ana.
reply by the author on 14-May-2018
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Hello Estory, nice to see you today in this writing, which I enjoyed reading. A great family story and I was surprised when Robert died. I liked both your descriptive writing and your dialogue. You write with a nice easy to read style and I found nothing jarring. They are indeed a disturbed family and that is the case with a lot of families, LOL
I would recommend this nicely written family story to other readers for review, Ana.
Comment Written 13-May-2018
reply by the author on 14-May-2018
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Thank you so much for the excellent review and your wonderful comments supporting this poem, and your endorsement of it. I think its too long for this site, but actually as a short story, it is only about 6 or 7 pages. I am glad you liked it and found it interesting; full of personality and style. That was my aim. estory
