Comment from w.j.debi

Excellent

An intriguing story. Good descriptions and use of dialogue.

Ther isn't much to improve.

Her isnone small suggestion to make your writing tighter. In the following the first two sentences ar not needed. You show us what Augean is thinking by his actions

Augdon thought a moment. He was pleased to see Joshua acting decisively, thinking like a leader. He nodded and clapped Joshua on the shoulder, "You are behaving like a leader, I am glad to see it," Augdon told him. "We cannot wait for the snow to clear but we can hope the weather holds. You should take a cart filled with firewood and extra provision against a storm. You may need to shelter for a few days. Use the longer route as there is a cave along the cliff side where you can stay."

 Comment Written 21-May-2018

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reply by the author on 21-May-2018

Okay, thanks so much for the helps. Rox

Comment from Brett Matthew West

Excellent

Action-packed, intense drama, and the bear attack adds another dimension of suspense as far as how he will survive that episode. Well crafted.

 Comment Written 07-May-2018

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reply by the author on 07-May-2018

Thank you Brett. Nice to see you back. =}

Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell

Excellent

I bet mum saves him! Or, Joshua will manage to kill the bear before he takes that next bite. He can't die! I missed this one, Rox, I've had such a lot on. This is another excellent part, I hope no one believes Hamish or they might prepare to fight instead of listen. I will be waiting for the next part. :)) Sandra xxx

 Comment Written 05-May-2018

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reply by the author on 06-May-2018

Thanks so much dear. =} I almost have the next part ready. Have a good week. My family from Calif. are here for the week so we are on the go. It's very fun to have them here. My nieces did online classes at the Un of Florida but wanted to march in the grad, so they all came for it, my bro, sis in law, my niece, her husband and her best friend. We are having a great time.

Comment from Harry Smith

Excellent

Whenever I see this picture I know what I am going to read and I am always very pleased with the material. This chapter is exceptionally well written with lots of imagery.

 Comment Written 04-May-2018

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reply by the author on 04-May-2018

Thanks so much Harry. =}

Comment from Joy Graham

Excellent

Hi Roxana,

I'm back again to read another chapter of your book. You seem to write your chapters quickly. I've been dragging my heels writing my own story. I should take inspiration from you and get busy writing. So many things to do and not enough hours in the day. I'm amazed at Phyllis Stewart for posting new chapters of her story daily.

This is a good story and I'm anxious to read about the outcome of the grizzly attack.

Just some things I noticed while reading:


- "...the men lit torches to (checked) for animals" -to check for animals

- "You allow your mother go with you" - mother to go

- "My brothers will be with me, they will (lookout) for me" - look out

- "Magnus (point) the puffs of snow" - pointed at?

- "raking (him) claws across (Joshua) shoulder" - his claws across Joshua's shoulder

 Comment Written 03-May-2018

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reply by the author on 03-May-2018

Thanks so much for the help Joy. I have several chapter written ahead. I go over them a million times, believe it or not and still make so many mistakes. Drives me nuts. Thanks for catching them, no one else has. We all must have brains that fill in the right word. =} Thank you again.

Comment from nancy_e_davis

Excellent

Oh no! Our Hero is about to be eaten by a bear. There is no way that will happen. Will his mother save him, or the brothers Mathis and Magnus come to his rescue? We are anxious to know what lies Hamish will have told if he arrives in Wahaland. Too bad the bear didn't stop him instead of Joshua. Write on Roxanna. Nancy

 Comment Written 03-May-2018

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reply by the author on 03-May-2018

Thanks so much Nancy. I'm still thinking on who will save him, can you believe. I had it all written then changed my mind. That's what writers do. =] Thanks again so much.

Comment from Zue65

Excellent

This is another action packed and intense-filled chapter focusing on the adventures of Jack with his mother and the rest of those tasked to secure the Wahaland horses. A serious conflict in the person of Hamish is introduced in this post which have aroused the curiosity of course of the readers. Thanks for sharing this exciting story.

 Comment Written 02-May-2018

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reply by the author on 03-May-2018

Thank you so much for the great review.

Comment from Alexander Vasa

Excellent

Hello Roxanna, wow, scary, and this story is really coming along. I enjoyed reading it and have a few suggestions below:

"Would you go with Joshua and talk with your brothers?" Valdig (asked).

I am glad to see it," - I'd use 'I'm' as this is how you would say it, and it's speech, so keep it as natural as you can.

Those (that were - this is a passive voice and I'd edit it out) chosen go to Wahaland made (the) necessary preparations. So the sentence would read:

Those chosen to go to Wahaland made the necessary preparations.

Her brothers, Mathis and Magnus were most formidable as to be terrifying. (I would re-work this sentence so it doesn't jar, as I stumbled over it and had to read twice for meaning.) Try:

Her formidable brothers, Mathis and Magnus were terrifying.

I dosed for a moment and he ran. (This could be American spelling but I would write, 'dozed'. Dose is when you give medication, but as I said, I'm not American so this may not be a spelling error.)

"We will not try to catch him. With some luck, he will get lost in the dark, but if he does not, Wahaland will be aware of our coming."

While the above sentence is 100% grammatically correct, it isn't how we speak and dialogue should be natural and sound the way we speak. Wouldn't you be more inclined to say:

"We won't try and catch him. With luck, he'll get lost in the dark, but if he doesn't, Wahaland will know we're coming."

I love your story, you have a great imagination and your characters are vivid, and your style is easy to read. These are just a few thoughts, and I hope they help.

Thanks for sharing this very entertaining read, Ana.

 Comment Written 02-May-2018

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reply by the author on 03-May-2018

Thanks so much dear. I am always using the wrong word. I'm such a ding dong. =} The reason I have them speaking the way I do is this is back in the dark ages and I don't know if they would say, 'I'm' or I am or doesn't or does not. I have done this thru out the book but do you think it isn't necessary to do that and just make is as we speak today? If the readers would like it better, I'm find with it but was trying to be all historically correct since I'm such a perfectionist. =} I'm sure you've noticed that. =} Thanks for taking so much time to help me with it. I do want it to be the best it can be. Rox

reply by Alexander Vasa on 03-May-2018

My error Roxanne, now that you tell me that, it makes sense. I get it now, I'm loving the story, btw. Ana.

reply by the author on 03-May-2018

Thank you dear. Rox =}

Comment from HaleyBel

Excellent

I enjoyed reading this chapter. It kept me captivated and encourage me to read on. Well, I want to know if Joshua survives.
I will wait for the next one. Good luck if this is in a competition.

 Comment Written 02-May-2018

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reply by the author on 03-May-2018

Thank you so much Haley. Glad you like it.

Comment from Shirley E Kennedy

Excellent

Hi Roxanna,
Another very well ploted chapter.
I really liked the changing emotions you captured so well.
Nyla and Joshua, Joshua and Lyse, Hamish and the men etc.
This chapter is cohesive and continues well from the last.
Thre are some small grammar mistakes which I'm sure will be captured in a final edit.
Blessings
Shirley

 Comment Written 02-May-2018

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reply by the author on 02-May-2018

Thank you so much Shirley.