Granny's Revenge
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Bloody Beginning"Losing everything Granny is out for revenge.
8 total reviews
Comment from LIJ Red
New group: GADD. Grannies against drunk drivers. Neat joke in notes. No complaints, but an opinion; change it all to past tense. In the paragraph speaking of her entering assisted living, for example, a slight lefthandedness seeps in.
The scholarly opinion of an electrician...excellent post.
Matilda was moved to an assisted living facility after her fateful fall. She was told she could return home when she becomes a little stronger. I wish I can move back home now. She tearfully thinks as she glances toward the old brick building. The place is nice, the staff friendly, but it isn't home.
I suggest past tense. Like:
Matilda was moved to an assisted living facility after her fateful fall. She was told she could return home when she became a little stronger. (italics) I wish I could move back home now,(end italics) she tearfully thought, glancing toward the old brick building. The place was nice, the staff friendly, but it was not home.
Just sounds more natural to me, purely opinion, that's all.
reply by the author on 09-May-2018
  |
New group: GADD. Grannies against drunk drivers. Neat joke in notes. No complaints, but an opinion; change it all to past tense. In the paragraph speaking of her entering assisted living, for example, a slight lefthandedness seeps in.
The scholarly opinion of an electrician...excellent post.
Matilda was moved to an assisted living facility after her fateful fall. She was told she could return home when she becomes a little stronger. I wish I can move back home now. She tearfully thinks as she glances toward the old brick building. The place is nice, the staff friendly, but it isn't home.
I suggest past tense. Like:
Matilda was moved to an assisted living facility after her fateful fall. She was told she could return home when she became a little stronger. (italics) I wish I could move back home now,(end italics) she tearfully thought, glancing toward the old brick building. The place was nice, the staff friendly, but it was not home.
Just sounds more natural to me, purely opinion, that's all.
Comment Written 09-May-2018
reply by the author on 09-May-2018
-
Thank you for your kind review I'm glad you enjoyed it. It would've been easier write if all done in past tense. Gadd, I never thought of that, lol. I was thinking more along the lines of modern day Carrie Nation, but perhaps GADD is better a fit. Please clarify what you mean about slight lefthandedness.
Thank you again for your great review, take care.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mistydawn
I tried to give you a six for some reason unable to?
You did wonders with your short story or is this a prologue to a new novel about how Granny gets her revenge for a drunk for running over her poor grand son by getting revenge by beating and killing innocent drunks?
I say she is with out a doubt that she an unmerciful granny
Neat how you ended up with a warning, don't make negative thoughts to older folks.
You will end up getting whacked with a cane.
Gert
reply by the author on 06-May-2018
|
Hello Mistydawn
I tried to give you a six for some reason unable to?
You did wonders with your short story or is this a prologue to a new novel about how Granny gets her revenge for a drunk for running over her poor grand son by getting revenge by beating and killing innocent drunks?
I say she is with out a doubt that she an unmerciful granny
Neat how you ended up with a warning, don't make negative thoughts to older folks.
You will end up getting whacked with a cane.
Gert
Comment Written 06-May-2018
reply by the author on 06-May-2018
-
Thank you for your great review. Your comment about getting whacked with a cane brought back memories, made me chuckle. I know from experience (working in a nursing home for over 20 years) the elderly aren't always as sweet as they seem. Just because they're little, frail, don't think they can't wallop you one. Saw a 6' EMT get knocked on his butt by a tiny little thing. She told him she wanted to go home and he refused to take her. The funny thing is: the ornery, the cantankerous ones are who I remember, miss the most.
There was a funny Facebook video. An older lady was walking across the road and a man was in his car at the crosswalk waiting for her to pass. He became so impatient he honked at her several times. She got so mad, she hit the front of his car with a package setting off his airbags.
Thank you again for all your support take care.
Ps. I apologize if I seemed rude, pushy I honestly didn't mean to sound that way. I was just looking for reasons why this chapter bombed like it did. I hope you understand, forgive me.
-
Come on Mistydawn
What gives you the idea you were pushy of course I understand I would be the same way.
Smiles to your true stories about
Older folks of how they get their own way
gert
Comment from apky
I did have a good laugh with the joke. And that after Granny Brennan, another kick-ass Misty heroine! I look forward to reading how you develope this one, my friend.
The reaming bits of snow scattered across the lawn adds to this artic(arctic?) feel.
She sees her friends slowly dawdles(dawdle-third person plural) toward their cars.
Marg(either Marge or Marg-choose one spelling and stick to it) asks as she pulls away.
"I appreciate that(,) Marge, thank you."
Matilda's nurse(, Liz,) runs to her the moment she steps inside. ~ You need to provide the nurse's name up front before the reader comes to it later and stops to wonder who Liz is.
She takes her arm in hers. ~ who takes whose arm? You need to provide a name for one or the other, in order for the reader to distinguish who is who.
[andfolds-separate] underneath him
"Geeze(,) lady(,) take it easy, alright(?)delete-. I said I'm sorry."
reply by the author on 06-May-2018
 |
I did have a good laugh with the joke. And that after Granny Brennan, another kick-ass Misty heroine! I look forward to reading how you develope this one, my friend.
The reaming bits of snow scattered across the lawn adds to this artic(arctic?) feel.
She sees her friends slowly dawdles(dawdle-third person plural) toward their cars.
Marg(either Marge or Marg-choose one spelling and stick to it) asks as she pulls away.
"I appreciate that(,) Marge, thank you."
Matilda's nurse(, Liz,) runs to her the moment she steps inside. ~ You need to provide the nurse's name up front before the reader comes to it later and stops to wonder who Liz is.
She takes her arm in hers. ~ who takes whose arm? You need to provide a name for one or the other, in order for the reader to distinguish who is who.
[andfolds-separate] underneath him
"Geeze(,) lady(,) take it easy, alright(?)delete-. I said I'm sorry."
Comment Written 06-May-2018
reply by the author on 06-May-2018
-
I'm so glad to see your review, that all the horrible thoughts that ran through my mind weren't true that you were just busy.
Granny's spunk and determination are going to make her a fun write, I think. Her weapon is almost impossible to trace.
Thank you again for all your help and support, it means so much to me, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
There's a whole school of thought that says you should never begin a story with the weather. It may aide in setting the scene but it isn't exactly riveting or hooking for the reader. just a thought. personally I's start with the Why Lord line as a paragraph on its own. it asks questions in the mind of the reader [who's talking, who's gone]. Then I'd revert to the paragraph beginning 'The late afternoon' then segue into a fresh paragraph with 'She glances...' In this manner you get the reader thinking and give them time to ponder a little before answering one of those questions.
Troy asked as he steps - you're mixing your tenses here asked/steps. past/present. You do this several times.
Troy's activities was very limited. - were rather than was here.
You don't have to worry about restrictions anymore.- this should probably be in italics for thought as you do so elsewhere. You vary this when you should be a little more consistent.
"Are you ready to go, Matelda" - should have a question mark here. Also Matilda.
slowly dwindle toward their cars - not sure dwindle is right here, maybe dawdle?
Isn't It a little late for someone - it.
His legs jerk forward and then folds underneath - just fold.
A harrowing pain radiate through his neck - radiates.
I think I'll check on MS. Brennan - Ms.
Maybe not mess with that old woman again...!
reply by the author on 05-May-2018
 |
Hi there,
There's a whole school of thought that says you should never begin a story with the weather. It may aide in setting the scene but it isn't exactly riveting or hooking for the reader. just a thought. personally I's start with the Why Lord line as a paragraph on its own. it asks questions in the mind of the reader [who's talking, who's gone]. Then I'd revert to the paragraph beginning 'The late afternoon' then segue into a fresh paragraph with 'She glances...' In this manner you get the reader thinking and give them time to ponder a little before answering one of those questions.
Troy asked as he steps - you're mixing your tenses here asked/steps. past/present. You do this several times.
Troy's activities was very limited. - were rather than was here.
You don't have to worry about restrictions anymore.- this should probably be in italics for thought as you do so elsewhere. You vary this when you should be a little more consistent.
"Are you ready to go, Matelda" - should have a question mark here. Also Matilda.
slowly dwindle toward their cars - not sure dwindle is right here, maybe dawdle?
Isn't It a little late for someone - it.
His legs jerk forward and then folds underneath - just fold.
A harrowing pain radiate through his neck - radiates.
I think I'll check on MS. Brennan - Ms.
Maybe not mess with that old woman again...!
Comment Written 05-May-2018
reply by the author on 05-May-2018
-
Thank you so much for your fair, very helpful review, a lot of screw-ups this time, I reverted back to when I began and that's not good. it's actually scary to think I lost all that progress. Especially considering the time it took me to get that far.
Thank you again for all your help and support, it's always greatly appreciated, take care.
Ps. I changed the first paragraph like you suggested and that isn't me in the picture like my bratty kid claims.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
Your touching story is well told.
And thanks for the joke at the end. A good one.
Thank you for sharing this with us and making me sad and happy at the same time.
Sharon
reply by the author on 05-May-2018
|
Your touching story is well told.
And thanks for the joke at the end. A good one.
Thank you for sharing this with us and making me sad and happy at the same time.
Sharon
Comment Written 05-May-2018
reply by the author on 05-May-2018
-
Thank you so much for your review, I'm glad you enjoyed it. This isn't one of my best chapters, structure wise. Hopefully, I can improve it and the continuous storyline over time.
Thank you again for your kind review, take care.
Comment from Harry Smith
What an excellent picture for this story that the reader found to be interesting from the beginning until the end. The story is loaded with emotions and imagery.
reply by the author on 04-May-2018
|
What an excellent picture for this story that the reader found to be interesting from the beginning until the end. The story is loaded with emotions and imagery.
Comment Written 04-May-2018
reply by the author on 04-May-2018
-
Thank you for your kind review I'm so glad you enjoyed it found it interesting. I hope you stick around because Granny has a lot more in store.
Thank you again for all your support it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Alexander Vasa
hahahahahah Love it!!! Granny is such a hoot, and this is well written, your dialogue especially. It is natural and just how someone would speak. Good plot and characters and lovey descriptive writing made this such a pleasure to review, and the joke at the end is priceless.
Thanks for sharing this, and that great picture of Granny, Ana.
reply by the author on 03-May-2018
|
hahahahahah Love it!!! Granny is such a hoot, and this is well written, your dialogue especially. It is natural and just how someone would speak. Good plot and characters and lovey descriptive writing made this such a pleasure to review, and the joke at the end is priceless.
Thanks for sharing this, and that great picture of Granny, Ana.
Comment Written 03-May-2018
reply by the author on 03-May-2018
-
Thank you so much for your wonderful review, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Found the joke looking for pics. thought that's a perfect fit. lol. Granny is quite a character, a rambunctious little spitfire with an ax to grind.
Thank you again for your fantastic review, and all your support, take care.
Comment from Auto-Manic
towards (style error...no s on the end of toward, backward or forward)
"What do you think, Grandma?" Troy asks as he steps into the room.
Troy asked as he stepped into the room
We've quarreled about everything since the day you arrived
...Is this a quote? If it's third person narration it needs to be reworked
It was a huge change for both of us, but we somehow managed. Same thing applies here.
OK...watch your tenses, present, or past,
Read some of this aloud and see if you can follow it, You know what your're trying to say and get the meaning across to the reader, but, so of it is a little bulky,
Well...There ya go. Grandma Rules.
Write on
AM
reply by the author on 03-May-2018
|
towards (style error...no s on the end of toward, backward or forward)
"What do you think, Grandma?" Troy asks as he steps into the room.
Troy asked as he stepped into the room
We've quarreled about everything since the day you arrived
...Is this a quote? If it's third person narration it needs to be reworked
It was a huge change for both of us, but we somehow managed. Same thing applies here.
OK...watch your tenses, present, or past,
Read some of this aloud and see if you can follow it, You know what your're trying to say and get the meaning across to the reader, but, so of it is a little bulky,
Well...There ya go. Grandma Rules.
Write on
AM
Comment Written 03-May-2018
reply by the author on 03-May-2018
-
Thank you for your helpful review. I did get confused with tenses, in the beginning, switching between past and present so thank you for catching that and for pointing out my other mistakes. I think they're all corrected. I was unsure about the towards so I looked it up. according to Merriam-webster, you can use either. I'm not trying to be a smart A** just thought you'd like to know https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/toward-towards-usage
Thanks again for your helpful review it's always greatly appreciated, take care
-
Yup you are so right. My reference is the AP Style book...but that ain't literature, which puts me at odds sometimes with my other writing friends. A friendly sort of banter, but sometimes it's worth a look. Keep on keeping on!
AM
