The Snake
A Crown of Heroic Sonnets for the contest50 total reviews
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Fantastic Tony. What a wonderful story. You grabbed my attention and held it. I felt despair for the snake. I can't stand to see any creature penned up away from nature.
I might add I hate spiders and snakes, but you did manage to make me feel sorry for the unfortunate creature and I was happy he was set free. Well done my friend. Nancy
reply by the author on 01-May-2018
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Fantastic Tony. What a wonderful story. You grabbed my attention and held it. I felt despair for the snake. I can't stand to see any creature penned up away from nature.
I might add I hate spiders and snakes, but you did manage to make me feel sorry for the unfortunate creature and I was happy he was set free. Well done my friend. Nancy
Comment Written 30-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 01-May-2018
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Very many thanks, Rob, for the accolade of six stars and your words of encouragement. I'm no great lover of snakes either, but I agree that the situation alters a bit when creatures are trapped and helpless. Best wishes, Tony
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It's Nancy not Rob, but no worries tony I have done that many times too. LOL
Comment from N. Rabwar
Such a wonderful message and very interesting story. It is exquisitely written. I like the metaphor comparing the prison of age to the prison of the well or the fact that his time there is limited with the nature of mortality. This is powerful contest entry.
reply by the author on 01-May-2018
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Such a wonderful message and very interesting story. It is exquisitely written. I like the metaphor comparing the prison of age to the prison of the well or the fact that his time there is limited with the nature of mortality. This is powerful contest entry.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 01-May-2018
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Very many thanks, N.R., for the accolade of six stars and your words of encouragement. I'm delighted that you found richness in the metaphor and sufficient meaning in the tale to hold your interest. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written heartfelt and intense heroic sonnet what would we do when a dangerous poisonous snake is around putting our lives in danger, will we kill it or set it free?
reply by the author on 01-May-2018
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A very well-written heartfelt and intense heroic sonnet what would we do when a dangerous poisonous snake is around putting our lives in danger, will we kill it or set it free?
Comment Written 30-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 01-May-2018
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Thanks for you review and comments, Sandra. Appreciated! Best wishes, Tony
Comment from RGstar
"...he splashed and flailed about in coils of fear,
as we are apt to do when woe befalls
and sets us panicking. Around, around
the foursquare cell he swam, to seek an out,"
"Malevolently, we met each other's gaze;
our venom sacs were filled with conjoint hate,
or was it fear - the core of my malaise?
My instinct was for death, to desecrate
this helpless snake that swirled around the pool.
My firm intent; to shoot or let him drown"
"As I got up to greet the coming dawn,
I cleansed my thoughts and climbed the higher path,
above the well, but found my senses drawn
towards a sudden ebony of wrath
that swirled up from the depths and made me start.
The redness of his belly was exposed
and his forked tongue held lies to tear apart
my reason, with misgivings undisclosed."
Though, as you may know Tony, I try to deter authors from running on a line onto a second line, more so quatrains, when rhymed poetry. Though not wrong, and a preference...for me, a no-no. I like to see the clause, sentence or thought concluded on a line, unless a two clauses but still a thought in itself concluded, even if the sentence runs across two lines. For when the above happens (not in this case) it almost seems as if an author writes as a whole block then dissects into stanzas after the fact, rather than writing each stanza for itself. This usually causes sentence breaks in unusual places.
Having said that, as a preference, how I enjoyed your story poem with its recurring first line of each stanza. This didn't hinder the narrative but gave it charm. We often see attempts of such, even when the form demands it, ending up over-working the poem...unless written well...this is.
Loved the balance of nature, and thought behind, though personal aspects comes into play.
I would be intrigued to see what happens in the end.
You put a lot of work into this, so my preference in wording does not hinder my six stars at all.
Best wishes.
RG
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reply by the author on 30-Apr-2018
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"...he splashed and flailed about in coils of fear,
as we are apt to do when woe befalls
and sets us panicking. Around, around
the foursquare cell he swam, to seek an out,"
"Malevolently, we met each other's gaze;
our venom sacs were filled with conjoint hate,
or was it fear - the core of my malaise?
My instinct was for death, to desecrate
this helpless snake that swirled around the pool.
My firm intent; to shoot or let him drown"
"As I got up to greet the coming dawn,
I cleansed my thoughts and climbed the higher path,
above the well, but found my senses drawn
towards a sudden ebony of wrath
that swirled up from the depths and made me start.
The redness of his belly was exposed
and his forked tongue held lies to tear apart
my reason, with misgivings undisclosed."
Though, as you may know Tony, I try to deter authors from running on a line onto a second line, more so quatrains, when rhymed poetry. Though not wrong, and a preference...for me, a no-no. I like to see the clause, sentence or thought concluded on a line, unless a two clauses but still a thought in itself concluded, even if the sentence runs across two lines. For when the above happens (not in this case) it almost seems as if an author writes as a whole block then dissects into stanzas after the fact, rather than writing each stanza for itself. This usually causes sentence breaks in unusual places.
Having said that, as a preference, how I enjoyed your story poem with its recurring first line of each stanza. This didn't hinder the narrative but gave it charm. We often see attempts of such, even when the form demands it, ending up over-working the poem...unless written well...this is.
Loved the balance of nature, and thought behind, though personal aspects comes into play.
I would be intrigued to see what happens in the end.
You put a lot of work into this, so my preference in wording does not hinder my six stars at all.
Best wishes.
RG
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Comment Written 30-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2018
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I have to agree with your comments here, Roy. The enjambment between stanzas is awkward. For preference I would have written each of the sonnets as one continuous block of lines, not broken into stanzas at all, but there are many on this site who find that indigestible. I tend to use enjambment more frequently in these contests of Yelena's because she is somewhat pedantic about insisting on unbroken iambic pentameter throughout, and it is difficult to break the monotony of that in any other way. I'd find it easier if she allowed for the occasional trochaic inversion and feminine rhyme, devices that are normally used quite frequently by the major poets.
In any event, I very much appreciate your review and award of six stars. I'm glad you enjoyed the balanced views expressed in this one. My approach to poisonous snakes is usually very much more one-sided!
Best wishes, Tony
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Perfect the reasoning, perfect the answer. This was written so well I hardly noticed the demands of the form, that is when you know a sonnet is written well, when you read the poem written rather than try to read the form it is written in.
Bravo.
My idea of a write that should be competing for the win. Good luck.
Comment from Pantygynt
And I am being asked if I intend to enter this year. I doubt I could outperform this crown. The story had me gripped from the start. The form is perfect nary a hitch in those iambic pentameters. The rebel in you that wants to emulate the bard with feminine endings and trochaic substitutions is not apparent here and you have kept to the regulations like a really good boy.
I loved the lines that apologised for the repetitions and beyond that gave an acceptable reason outside the Nazi war criminals excuse of "only obeying orders."
This was a tour de force I doubt I can exceed or even equal but I guess I have to try especially as I have also made a start, strangely enough another foray into the world of wild life. In my case a fox I found basking on some waste ground behind my house.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2018
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And I am being asked if I intend to enter this year. I doubt I could outperform this crown. The story had me gripped from the start. The form is perfect nary a hitch in those iambic pentameters. The rebel in you that wants to emulate the bard with feminine endings and trochaic substitutions is not apparent here and you have kept to the regulations like a really good boy.
I loved the lines that apologised for the repetitions and beyond that gave an acceptable reason outside the Nazi war criminals excuse of "only obeying orders."
This was a tour de force I doubt I can exceed or even equal but I guess I have to try especially as I have also made a start, strangely enough another foray into the world of wild life. In my case a fox I found basking on some waste ground behind my house.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2018
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Each year I promise myself that I will not fall for Yelena's insistent prompts to enter this contest, but it's an interesting if somewhat time-consuming challenge. Certainly more so that the usual run of 5-7-5s and 1-6-1s and dubious one line poems!
I would certainly prefer it though if she would include more flexibility in her contest rules. It can be hard to break the monotony of more than a hundred lines of iambic pentameter! Those damned repeating lines are a great weakness in the form, in my humble opinion! Many thanks for your review and the sixer. I shall look forward to reading your foxy tale in due course!
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One improvement would be to take a leaf out of the medieval book and require only the last word to be repeated as the first or even any word out of the last line repeated somewhere in the first. This was the practice of the Gawain poet when writing Pearl where each section concatenates with the next in that way.
The complete line being repeated makes it hard to move on and it appears artificial to the reader.
I thought your contribution this year was magnificent.
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That sounds like a much better idea. I might message Yelena with a couple of suggestions for next year.
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That would have my support
Comment from Sis Cat
Tony, this has got to be the easiest six star review I give because I love Heroic sonnets and you are a master of them. I do say that your Heroic Sonnets are one of the FanStory literary events of the year akin to the blockbuster movies Black Panther and The Avengers.
What can I say? I love the story you told of a poisonous snake who fell in a well looking for seven frogs. And when I reached the couplet at the end of the first sonnet I thrilled:
So, on this night, my metaphor was born
as I got up to greet the coming dawn.
The story, the struggle unfolded. There are life and death consequences here. The snake could die in the well. If it lives, the seven frogs could die. If the elederly man rescues it, he could be bitten and die instead. This high stakes struggle forms tension throughout your poem:
One way was swift and sure; the other, cruel.
Just then he struck, and gulped the first frog down.
The negotiation the man has within himself continues, each couplet punctuates the story and moves it forward:
We share some common features, I'll allow,
so I play god, and let him live - for now.
I love the self-deprecating humor of the narrator-poet:
(Forgive the repetition. I am old!)
This was surprising and a relief of tension, which later returned:
With one false move, I'm in a six-foot plot.
On second thoughts, I think I'd rather not.
The man hires a snack handler, a young woman, to rescue the snake, to do what the old man could not. Here he muses about their differences:
The bane of age is caution; there's the truth.
It is the gulf dividing age from youth.
Alas, she saves the snake in order to release "This snake that came was only seeking life."
Your poem has a great lesson for us all. You told it with a mastery of rhyme and meter which delighted me when read aloud. I had thorough fun reading it.
One possible edit is that I do not think you need the quotation marks before "away" and "its" in your last sonnet because this is all part of one dialogue by one person and the opening quotation mark was handled by the one before "into." You may want to check quotation mark rules for conversation that rolls over several paragraphs or stanzas.
Nevertheless, your poem is a thrill and an event. I am sure it is the odds on favorite for winning the competition, because no one here writes them like you do.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you much success.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2018
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Tony, this has got to be the easiest six star review I give because I love Heroic sonnets and you are a master of them. I do say that your Heroic Sonnets are one of the FanStory literary events of the year akin to the blockbuster movies Black Panther and The Avengers.
What can I say? I love the story you told of a poisonous snake who fell in a well looking for seven frogs. And when I reached the couplet at the end of the first sonnet I thrilled:
So, on this night, my metaphor was born
as I got up to greet the coming dawn.
The story, the struggle unfolded. There are life and death consequences here. The snake could die in the well. If it lives, the seven frogs could die. If the elederly man rescues it, he could be bitten and die instead. This high stakes struggle forms tension throughout your poem:
One way was swift and sure; the other, cruel.
Just then he struck, and gulped the first frog down.
The negotiation the man has within himself continues, each couplet punctuates the story and moves it forward:
We share some common features, I'll allow,
so I play god, and let him live - for now.
I love the self-deprecating humor of the narrator-poet:
(Forgive the repetition. I am old!)
This was surprising and a relief of tension, which later returned:
With one false move, I'm in a six-foot plot.
On second thoughts, I think I'd rather not.
The man hires a snack handler, a young woman, to rescue the snake, to do what the old man could not. Here he muses about their differences:
The bane of age is caution; there's the truth.
It is the gulf dividing age from youth.
Alas, she saves the snake in order to release "This snake that came was only seeking life."
Your poem has a great lesson for us all. You told it with a mastery of rhyme and meter which delighted me when read aloud. I had thorough fun reading it.
One possible edit is that I do not think you need the quotation marks before "away" and "its" in your last sonnet because this is all part of one dialogue by one person and the opening quotation mark was handled by the one before "into." You may want to check quotation mark rules for conversation that rolls over several paragraphs or stanzas.
Nevertheless, your poem is a thrill and an event. I am sure it is the odds on favorite for winning the competition, because no one here writes them like you do.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you much success.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2018
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I always look forward to your reviews, Andre, and appreciate the time and trouble you take to respond in such depth. Thank you very much for that and for bestowing six stars upon this Crown of Sonnets. They are always an interesting challenge, though I'm not a great fan of the repeated lines and would like more flexibility in the contest to allow the occasional trochaic inversion and feminine rhymes. Thank you, too, for your note about the quotation marks. I was uncertain how they should be handled in verse and should probably have looked it up. I see that you are absolutely right and I have now amended the last few lines. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Chrissy710
Tony. This had me mesmerized while reading you crown of sonnets about the plight of the snake. Wow what a terrific post and I am glad the snake made it out of the well ( so I am sure were the frogs LOL) The rescues seemed so easy and your reference to youth and age was an important point .A younger heart shone light on my mistake. ...... The world's a better place when we are kind loved these two lines. I am not a fan of snakes and cringe whenever I see one but this snake needed rescuing I loved this Thanks for sharing Cheers Christine
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2018
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Tony. This had me mesmerized while reading you crown of sonnets about the plight of the snake. Wow what a terrific post and I am glad the snake made it out of the well ( so I am sure were the frogs LOL) The rescues seemed so easy and your reference to youth and age was an important point .A younger heart shone light on my mistake. ...... The world's a better place when we are kind loved these two lines. I am not a fan of snakes and cringe whenever I see one but this snake needed rescuing I loved this Thanks for sharing Cheers Christine
Comment Written 30-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2018
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What a lovely review, Chrissy! Thank you so much for stopping by to review my Crown of Sonnets and for awarding it six stars. Most affirming and much appreciated! I'm not a great fan of snakes either but this one made a good topic for a poem. I might not have been quite so kindly disposed towards it if it had been on the loose up near the house!
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello, good poem, I've seen so many of these red belly blacks growing up in the bush, and they're a much friendlier sight than a big brown, and I've seen a few of those, too. I actually dislike Tiger snakes the most, as they will go for you and are surprisingly fast. I used to live where they grew a lot of rice, they don't grow it there now as it raised the salt table and turned some of the lands into dessert, but the Tiger snakes would be in the rice fields when they were flooded with water and if you got too close, they would come for you, quite scary.
I loved the story within the poem and the information at the end. The Heroic Sonnet is not for the feint hearted, and thanks for sharing it, Ana.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2018
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Hello, good poem, I've seen so many of these red belly blacks growing up in the bush, and they're a much friendlier sight than a big brown, and I've seen a few of those, too. I actually dislike Tiger snakes the most, as they will go for you and are surprisingly fast. I used to live where they grew a lot of rice, they don't grow it there now as it raised the salt table and turned some of the lands into dessert, but the Tiger snakes would be in the rice fields when they were flooded with water and if you got too close, they would come for you, quite scary.
I loved the story within the poem and the information at the end. The Heroic Sonnet is not for the feint hearted, and thanks for sharing it, Ana.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2018
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Yes, the red bellied blacks are not so venomous as some and they're exceedingly shy. On the whole, they get a bad rap. We probably have more of the Eastern browns on our place - not so good to have around the house. Tiger snakes were quite common down in the south-east, when I was living and teaching near Mt Gambier. They liked the flooded winter paddocks full of frogs and although I saw quite a few, I never encountered an aggressive one - fortunately! Many thanks for dropping by to review. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Ogden
I don't have the temerity to attempt to critique this exemplary work, Tony. Without reading the other entries, if I had the opportunity,
I'd bet a bundle that yours will be the winner.
Bravo again!
Don
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2018
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I don't have the temerity to attempt to critique this exemplary work, Tony. Without reading the other entries, if I had the opportunity,
I'd bet a bundle that yours will be the winner.
Bravo again!
Don
Comment Written 30-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2018
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Very many thanks, Don, for dropping by to review my Crown of Sonnets and for bestowing six stars upon it. Most kind! Best wishes, Tony
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You are most welcome, Tony. If you think of it, please let me know how your remarkable piece fared, in case I missed the results.
I don't think you need good luck, but it can't hurt to wish it anyway. So, good luck, Tony!!
Don
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This one isn't due to be judged for another month. I don't think that it has attracted many entries as this stage as it is a significant undertaking and the entry fee has been set quite high.
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Ooh! Tony, this is the most exciting and moving piece of poetry I have read. As I went through it I found phrases I would mention, but at every stanza there was something even better than the last so I gave up.
It is the gulf dividing age from youth.
Our fears intensify with passing time.
Though we may think our juniors are uncouth,
they sometimes show that we are past our prime.... I loved the whole of this work but this will stick in my mind.
I think this crown of sonnets will be difficult to beat. Good Luck. Dorothy
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2018
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Ooh! Tony, this is the most exciting and moving piece of poetry I have read. As I went through it I found phrases I would mention, but at every stanza there was something even better than the last so I gave up.
It is the gulf dividing age from youth.
Our fears intensify with passing time.
Though we may think our juniors are uncouth,
they sometimes show that we are past our prime.... I loved the whole of this work but this will stick in my mind.
I think this crown of sonnets will be difficult to beat. Good Luck. Dorothy
Comment Written 30-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2018
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Very many thanks, Dorothy, for your most affirming words about my Crown of Sonnets and for the six stars. Much appreciated! Best wishes, Tony
