FAMILY TIES.
Viewing comments for Chapter 45 "Dad And Mom Love Me.""ALL IN THE FAMILY."
3 total reviews
Comment from Marge Setzer
Rhonnie, The first part of your poem is fun and creative. I like that you called the snowman...snowboy. That was clever and fitting for a child building him. The story kept me interested when it was still a story. The dialogue fit the occasion and the part about the ears clever. After the sentences, "Dad and Mom said that?" and "Yes," it became sort of preachy and the fun part of the story was lost. If you're after a "moral to the story," effect it has to be more subtle, not in your face. The idea about the Son-day is clever and shows promise for elaboration, but not as a lesson. My advice would be to concentrate more on the story and let the readers see the consequences of the behavior you want to eliminate. Marge
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Rhonnie, The first part of your poem is fun and creative. I like that you called the snowman...snowboy. That was clever and fitting for a child building him. The story kept me interested when it was still a story. The dialogue fit the occasion and the part about the ears clever. After the sentences, "Dad and Mom said that?" and "Yes," it became sort of preachy and the fun part of the story was lost. If you're after a "moral to the story," effect it has to be more subtle, not in your face. The idea about the Son-day is clever and shows promise for elaboration, but not as a lesson. My advice would be to concentrate more on the story and let the readers see the consequences of the behavior you want to eliminate. Marge
Comment Written 18-Apr-2018
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
An excellent story with a wonderful moral. A few suggestions:
Snowboy should be one word--like snowman
timeout is one word
the title and the end should read--Mom and Dad love me.
Lovely work, my friend~Debbie
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An excellent story with a wonderful moral. A few suggestions:
Snowboy should be one word--like snowman
timeout is one word
the title and the end should read--Mom and Dad love me.
Lovely work, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 16-Apr-2018
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello Rhonnie, this is a good kids story, very age appropriate advice and you have a knack for bringing the reader in through your dialogue. I enjoyed it and the only suggestion for improvement would be in the title: "Dad and Mum Love Me", you don't need the 's' on 'loves'. Thanks for sharing your story, Ana.
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Hello Rhonnie, this is a good kids story, very age appropriate advice and you have a knack for bringing the reader in through your dialogue. I enjoyed it and the only suggestion for improvement would be in the title: "Dad and Mum Love Me", you don't need the 's' on 'loves'. Thanks for sharing your story, Ana.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2018
