My Brothers' Keeper
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "A Crisis"Rachel feels responsible for her brother.
5 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
What an exciting chapter! I was wondering how in the world they would carry such a big wolf like Gray. But it seems that Daniel thought of everything. I also liked that Rachel insisted that she was going with them.
One question:
"Okay, don't let go, it might bite a bit (what might "bite"? Not Gray? Or do you mean it might hurt? Just a question because I'm worried that Gray might bite cause he's in pain. )
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2021
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What an exciting chapter! I was wondering how in the world they would carry such a big wolf like Gray. But it seems that Daniel thought of everything. I also liked that Rachel insisted that she was going with them.
One question:
"Okay, don't let go, it might bite a bit (what might "bite"? Not Gray? Or do you mean it might hurt? Just a question because I'm worried that Gray might bite cause he's in pain. )
Comment Written 22-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much Helen for reading, reviewing and your fantastic comments and questions. I meant that it would hurt a bite. Glad you clarified that. Hugs and smiles.
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Alie. My heart was in my mouth as I read the plight that Gray was in. Good descriptions in this post regarding Daniel releasing the trap, giving instructions to Rachel, and constructing the travois. Good job. Marilyn
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2018
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Hi Alie. My heart was in my mouth as I read the plight that Gray was in. Good descriptions in this post regarding Daniel releasing the trap, giving instructions to Rachel, and constructing the travois. Good job. Marilyn
Comment Written 10-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2018
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Thank you so much Marilyn for reviewing, I really appreciate your kind and thorough comments. Glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from robyn corum
Hey Alie,
It's been a while since I've read any of your longer pieces and it's good to see your writing again. *smile* You may not be happy with me, though.
--frowny face-- I'm afraid I've marked your chapter to pieces. I hope you'll know that I only intend to be helpful and that you'll take my comments the way they are intended. (fingers crossed!)
Though I am not a fan of fantasy fiction, I thought what I read was interesting. I think you've done a good job of making the story come to life. I do think it might help if you tried to take a bit more time to consider placing your self IN these scenes and imagining what would be happening -- example the branches that would be slapping them in the face as they run the scratches they might be getting; if they trip and fall from time to time, etc. PUT the READER THERE with the characters.
Also, you might want to consider the older readers among us and increase that font a bit. I've found that a 14 or 16 point font is one of the best sizes -- though that is absolutely a personal opinion and you are welcome to disagree. *smile*
Other notes:
1.) As they sat sipping tea Rachel commented.
"Does Gray go away for such long periods? He disappeared before we had our nap. Are you worried about him?"
--> These sentences go together -- like this:
--> As they sat sipping tea Rachel commented(,) "Does Gray go away for such long periods? He disappeared before we had our nap. Are you worried about him?"
2.) surprised he is not here begging for his share(,)" Daniel replied.
3.) Is there any way to call out to him?" (s)he asked.
4.) "It is so beautiful up here(,)" Rachel said in a voice
--> all the above nits involve speech tags - I would caution you to google 'punctuating speech tags' and do a bit of studying...?
5.) He was (lying) on his side. Daniel was the first to
6.) gnaw off his trapped leg, as animals will sometime(s) do.
7.) two humans knelt beside him. His deep gray eyes portraying the pain he felt.
--> the last part is an incomplete sentence - it should be connected with the first one:
-->two humans knelt beside him(, h)is deep gray eyes portraying the pain he felt.
8.) When completed he, with Rachel(')s help gently moved
9.) I'll pull him (if) you can walk beside him, so he can see you.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2018
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Hey Alie,
It's been a while since I've read any of your longer pieces and it's good to see your writing again. *smile* You may not be happy with me, though.
--frowny face-- I'm afraid I've marked your chapter to pieces. I hope you'll know that I only intend to be helpful and that you'll take my comments the way they are intended. (fingers crossed!)
Though I am not a fan of fantasy fiction, I thought what I read was interesting. I think you've done a good job of making the story come to life. I do think it might help if you tried to take a bit more time to consider placing your self IN these scenes and imagining what would be happening -- example the branches that would be slapping them in the face as they run the scratches they might be getting; if they trip and fall from time to time, etc. PUT the READER THERE with the characters.
Also, you might want to consider the older readers among us and increase that font a bit. I've found that a 14 or 16 point font is one of the best sizes -- though that is absolutely a personal opinion and you are welcome to disagree. *smile*
Other notes:
1.) As they sat sipping tea Rachel commented.
"Does Gray go away for such long periods? He disappeared before we had our nap. Are you worried about him?"
--> These sentences go together -- like this:
--> As they sat sipping tea Rachel commented(,) "Does Gray go away for such long periods? He disappeared before we had our nap. Are you worried about him?"
2.) surprised he is not here begging for his share(,)" Daniel replied.
3.) Is there any way to call out to him?" (s)he asked.
4.) "It is so beautiful up here(,)" Rachel said in a voice
--> all the above nits involve speech tags - I would caution you to google 'punctuating speech tags' and do a bit of studying...?
5.) He was (lying) on his side. Daniel was the first to
6.) gnaw off his trapped leg, as animals will sometime(s) do.
7.) two humans knelt beside him. His deep gray eyes portraying the pain he felt.
--> the last part is an incomplete sentence - it should be connected with the first one:
-->two humans knelt beside him(, h)is deep gray eyes portraying the pain he felt.
8.) When completed he, with Rachel(')s help gently moved
9.) I'll pull him (if) you can walk beside him, so he can see you.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
Comment Written 10-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2018
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Thank you so much Robyn for reviewing and making those suggestions/ corrections. Hey you can uncross your fingers and I am definitely not upset, that's what reviewing is all about, helping the writer. Those corrections will be made shortly and I will change the font size for the next chapter. (Smiling)
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
The vet met them, and Gray was whisked into surgery. When he met them outside the hospital he gently gave Gray an injected sedative that put him in lala land. They were good to go. ' This made me cry (a lot) as it reminds me of having my sweet cat bertie put to sleep so hard to part with our beloved pets and to be the ones to have to make that decision. A wonderful write however I could not fault it kindest regards and well done love Meia x
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2018
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The vet met them, and Gray was whisked into surgery. When he met them outside the hospital he gently gave Gray an injected sedative that put him in lala land. They were good to go. ' This made me cry (a lot) as it reminds me of having my sweet cat bertie put to sleep so hard to part with our beloved pets and to be the ones to have to make that decision. A wonderful write however I could not fault it kindest regards and well done love Meia x
Comment Written 10-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2018
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, I certainly appreciate your kind and loving comments, Meia.
Comment from Pantygynt
Drama in the boondocks this time. It certainly held my attention and it all seemed perfectly believable. This sort of thing makes one realise just how dangerous things used to be before before the arrival of planes and other bits of modern technology. Survival would have been more of a gamble back then.
Just one little typo noted.
"to always turn the place," That is "plane" not "place".
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2018
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Drama in the boondocks this time. It certainly held my attention and it all seemed perfectly believable. This sort of thing makes one realise just how dangerous things used to be before before the arrival of planes and other bits of modern technology. Survival would have been more of a gamble back then.
Just one little typo noted.
"to always turn the place," That is "plane" not "place".
Comment Written 10-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2018
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Thank you for reviewing and catching that blooper, it will be fixed shortly. Life tends to get better each year, and with technology it continues to do so. Glad you enjoyed it.
