Dry Wash
A married couple search for turquoise.7 total reviews
Comment from LIJ Red
If I were you I would take the tense change out of the fifth paragraph, making it all past tense. Some may say you tell, not show, and have too much backstory, but everybody has opinions. Excellent story of the perils to poor folks trying to get by.
reply by the author on 05-May-2018
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If I were you I would take the tense change out of the fifth paragraph, making it all past tense. Some may say you tell, not show, and have too much backstory, but everybody has opinions. Excellent story of the perils to poor folks trying to get by.
Comment Written 05-May-2018
reply by the author on 05-May-2018
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Thank you LIJ. I'll look at what you suggested. Thanks for the stars. I take heart with what a very popular author said, I quote, "But my philosophy is that plot advancement is not what the experience of reading fiction is about. If all we care about is advancing the plot, why read novels? We can just read Cliffs Notes." George R.R. Martin.
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I think there are too many Cliff's Notes writers. I was guessing what some judges
might think in a contest. I'd leave the story alone, I think.
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Thank you.
Comment from BeasPeas
Your story is well written and I enjoyed reading it. The desolation of the west is intriguing having traveled quite a bit and living in the west. Good job with this. Marilyn
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2018
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Your story is well written and I enjoyed reading it. The desolation of the west is intriguing having traveled quite a bit and living in the west. Good job with this. Marilyn
Comment Written 25-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2018
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Thank you very much for your review and response. I was born and raised in it. Love it so much, I retired here twice.
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I guess I've retired a few times in a few different places. Liked them all but the west is something special. I like the starkness of it. Marilyn
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When I brought my wife here, sixty-years ago. She saw the mountains and asked, "Where are all the trees?" She fell in love with it and wanted no other final place to rest, at the base of it.
Comment from Katya
This is good. It needs more work on it, though. Some places are a little dry. Perhaps you could tell the story of Maria's background in a more narrative style? I'm not sure how to tell you what I'm suggesting here. Maybe use the events of her history to develop her character a little? Let her talk and have feelings? In general, it's more interesting to recount events--even past ones, that's what flashbacks are for--as actions. It's often more interesting to be inside the character than have the character treated as an object of discourse.
Just giving you some food for thought. You've done good work here.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2018
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This is good. It needs more work on it, though. Some places are a little dry. Perhaps you could tell the story of Maria's background in a more narrative style? I'm not sure how to tell you what I'm suggesting here. Maybe use the events of her history to develop her character a little? Let her talk and have feelings? In general, it's more interesting to recount events--even past ones, that's what flashbacks are for--as actions. It's often more interesting to be inside the character than have the character treated as an object of discourse.
Just giving you some food for thought. You've done good work here.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2018
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Thank you Katya. I appreciate your suggestions. It is something I need to work on.
Comment from Sugarray77
This is a very good entry for the Treasure Hunt writing prompt. You gave us a suspenseful ending. I hoped they were going to get out.... Thanks for a good read and good luck witht he contest.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2018
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This is a very good entry for the Treasure Hunt writing prompt. You gave us a suspenseful ending. I hoped they were going to get out.... Thanks for a good read and good luck witht he contest.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2018
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Thank you for your words. Now that you have read the story, I'll tell you the inspiration. A few years ago an article appeared in the El Paso Times. The U. S. Border Patrol, following foot prints north of the Pecos, found a skeletal hand with a woman's wedding band. The name Mary was inscribed in the ring. The ring was traced to the original seller. A divorcee sold the ring to a pawn shop in San Angelo. The pawn shop burned down several years before the ring was found by the Border Patrol.
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Wow. What a story. You did great things with it!! Well done.
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Thank you very much. The way your response reads, it is as if you responded to a review instead of a reply.
Comment from kathleenspalding
Poor John and Maria! Good narrative with no SPAG (Good for you!) and excellent visual descriptions.
My only nit-picky thing is that there is a lot of telling and not showing, and there is a lot of backstory that adds to the character but doesn't move the story ahead. To make more of an impact in a short story, the author will pick a character and walk through the chain of events with him or her, using a good bit of sensory description, and feeding in the backstory as needed.
You have a lot of talent - please keep writing :-)
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2018
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Poor John and Maria! Good narrative with no SPAG (Good for you!) and excellent visual descriptions.
My only nit-picky thing is that there is a lot of telling and not showing, and there is a lot of backstory that adds to the character but doesn't move the story ahead. To make more of an impact in a short story, the author will pick a character and walk through the chain of events with him or her, using a good bit of sensory description, and feeding in the backstory as needed.
You have a lot of talent - please keep writing :-)
Comment Written 08-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2018
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Thank you very much for your comments. Your words are important to me. I must find a better way to show no one would miss either Maria or John. They would be just like any tumbleweed rolling down the road.
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You're welcome. I think you have everything you need in the story to show they'd not be missed, but you just need to feed it into their thoughts and actions (showing) instead of just saying it (telling). Good strategy - read a story you like and observe how that author does it. Good luck with your writing!
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Thank you again.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a good entry for the Treasure Hunt writing prompt.
Your story is clear and well told
Good luck to you with this one in the competition.
Sharon
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2018
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I think this is a good entry for the Treasure Hunt writing prompt.
Your story is clear and well told
Good luck to you with this one in the competition.
Sharon
Comment Written 08-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2018
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Thank you Sharon.
Comment from apky
At first I thought this magnificent story is set in Australia - don't ask me why; I think the photo and the word turquoise led me there.
Your writing, mainly narrative, is light-hearted and very descriptive, pulling the reader into the story. You also sprinkle it with just - in my opinion - enough humour to engage the reader.
>>They wanted to open a restaurant. El Paso was out, because there were too many good ones. Midland and Odessa were too boom or bust dependent on oil. Carlsbad had the Lake and Caverns going for it. There was enough oil-patch business, when there was a boom, they could take advantage of it. A bust wouldn't hurt as bad in Carlsbad as it would in Roswell or Midland and Odessa.<<
Excellent work.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2018
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At first I thought this magnificent story is set in Australia - don't ask me why; I think the photo and the word turquoise led me there.
Your writing, mainly narrative, is light-hearted and very descriptive, pulling the reader into the story. You also sprinkle it with just - in my opinion - enough humour to engage the reader.
>>They wanted to open a restaurant. El Paso was out, because there were too many good ones. Midland and Odessa were too boom or bust dependent on oil. Carlsbad had the Lake and Caverns going for it. There was enough oil-patch business, when there was a boom, they could take advantage of it. A bust wouldn't hurt as bad in Carlsbad as it would in Roswell or Midland and Odessa.<<
Excellent work.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2018
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Thank you very much for your kind words and stars.
