GULBRANDR- God's Sword
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Hamish"A child is born who will be a champion
10 total reviews
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Hi Roxanna,
A very well planned chapter.
I like the parallel struggles between Nyla, baby Joshua and the baby blue dragon as each struggles to survive without someone they love.
Each must gain strength and start anew and it will be great to see where the storyline goes from here.
:-) Shirley
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2018
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Hi Roxanna,
A very well planned chapter.
I like the parallel struggles between Nyla, baby Joshua and the baby blue dragon as each struggles to survive without someone they love.
Each must gain strength and start anew and it will be great to see where the storyline goes from here.
:-) Shirley
Comment Written 24-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2018
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Thank you so much Shirley.
Comment from apky
Excellent! What a story. I held my breath right to the end and was sorry when out little dragon fell asleep and the chapter ended. I definitely will want to continue to read this story to find out if Hamish comes back for the baby, and above all else what happens to the little dragon.
Finally a head emerged, much smaller then(than) the rest of her brood, and not the same in color.
Below, you display fantastic skill in description: vibrant and vivid:
He always wore white and carried an elaborately carved iron staff with a hook at the end so he could hang a light from it at night. He felt it gave him an ethereal, mystical appearance.
His hair, straight and brilliantly white fell almost to his waist. He kept it covered with a hood, most thought for spiritual reason, but in reality the hood kept the dust and dirt from his hair in which he took great pride. He was exquisite looking and very vain.He always wore white and carried an elaborately carved iron staff with a hook at the end so he could hang a light from it at night. He felt it gave him an ethereal, mystical appearance.
His hair, straight and brilliantly white fell almost to his waist. He kept it covered with a hood, most thought for spiritual reason, but in reality the hood kept the dust and dirt from his hair in which he took great pride. He was exquisite looking and very vain.
Have a weekend as fabulous as your writing.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2018
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Excellent! What a story. I held my breath right to the end and was sorry when out little dragon fell asleep and the chapter ended. I definitely will want to continue to read this story to find out if Hamish comes back for the baby, and above all else what happens to the little dragon.
Finally a head emerged, much smaller then(than) the rest of her brood, and not the same in color.
Below, you display fantastic skill in description: vibrant and vivid:
He always wore white and carried an elaborately carved iron staff with a hook at the end so he could hang a light from it at night. He felt it gave him an ethereal, mystical appearance.
His hair, straight and brilliantly white fell almost to his waist. He kept it covered with a hood, most thought for spiritual reason, but in reality the hood kept the dust and dirt from his hair in which he took great pride. He was exquisite looking and very vain.He always wore white and carried an elaborately carved iron staff with a hook at the end so he could hang a light from it at night. He felt it gave him an ethereal, mystical appearance.
His hair, straight and brilliantly white fell almost to his waist. He kept it covered with a hood, most thought for spiritual reason, but in reality the hood kept the dust and dirt from his hair in which he took great pride. He was exquisite looking and very vain.
Have a weekend as fabulous as your writing.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2018
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Thank you so much for such a great review. It is very encouraging. I made the changes you suggested, thank you. I hope to post the next chapter today. It will be long, it is hard to cut them off mid way, but people don't always like to review long stories either. It is hard to know what to do. Thank you so much again. Have a good weekend. Roxanna
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Rox, this is not too long at all!! Mine are always this long, and some! I loved this story, and it came to the end too soon for me. Right, the dragon, I'm hoping he and Nyla will bond, she will have a strong and loyal friend in this little baby dragon when he grows up. I do hope the brothers have Nyla's baby and not that creepy, vain goon
who calls himself the spiritual adviser, that would really upset Nyla and her brothers. Looking for the next part, my friend! :) Sandra xxxx
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Rox, this is not too long at all!! Mine are always this long, and some! I loved this story, and it came to the end too soon for me. Right, the dragon, I'm hoping he and Nyla will bond, she will have a strong and loyal friend in this little baby dragon when he grows up. I do hope the brothers have Nyla's baby and not that creepy, vain goon
who calls himself the spiritual adviser, that would really upset Nyla and her brothers. Looking for the next part, my friend! :) Sandra xxxx
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Thanks so much. The next 2 chapters will tell more about the dragon. =} Rox
Comment from Debbie Pope
I have no sixes to bestow on this chapter. It certainly deserves it. I am glad that you are still parallel tracking the two births. To me, this forewarns that the lives of the two "youth" will be intertwined soon. I find myself second guessing how Nyla will avoid handing over her baby to the council. I have no suggestions for improvement. I just look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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I have no sixes to bestow on this chapter. It certainly deserves it. I am glad that you are still parallel tracking the two births. To me, this forewarns that the lives of the two "youth" will be intertwined soon. I find myself second guessing how Nyla will avoid handing over her baby to the council. I have no suggestions for improvement. I just look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Thanks so much Debbie. Rox
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Roxana
I really enjoyed this chapter, especially the day-to-day efforts of the young dragon to thrive without the help of his mother. I found myself feeling real empathy for his lot and concern for his survival. Well done!
:) Bev
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Hi, Roxana
I really enjoyed this chapter, especially the day-to-day efforts of the young dragon to thrive without the help of his mother. I found myself feeling real empathy for his lot and concern for his survival. Well done!
:) Bev
Comment Written 20-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Fear not for he will thrive. =} Thanks so much Bev. I hope to have another posted soon, but have to read to get bucks. I think everyone is on vacation as there is so little that I haven't already read. Come on people write and put some money on those stories! =}
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I've noticed the same with responses and posts. Looking forward to your next post.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Love it. I guess we never get too old for fairy tales, huh, Roxy? I know somehow the dragon and the child will be connected and work in concert for good against evil. Is that the plot? I can't wait to see what's in store for us. Well done. Good imagery. Nancy
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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Love it. I guess we never get too old for fairy tales, huh, Roxy? I know somehow the dragon and the child will be connected and work in concert for good against evil. Is that the plot? I can't wait to see what's in store for us. Well done. Good imagery. Nancy
Comment Written 20-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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Yes the dragon and Joshua will be a team. Thanks so much Nancy. I have never grown up so I still love fairy tales. I to to all the Disney films and usually buy the videos. =} Have a great day. Rox
Comment from royowen
I enjoyed your story, Poor Nyla, having lost her husband, but by the order of the council she is going also to lose her baby boy to be raised in Wahaland, as told by her brothers. I suspect the tiny green dragon is going to play a big role in this story, I think you've gained a very sympathetic audience, and characters, Roxanne, excellently done, blessings, Roy
Typo : bright green eyes (starred) back, stared? As she (road) out of sight, Rode?
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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I enjoyed your story, Poor Nyla, having lost her husband, but by the order of the council she is going also to lose her baby boy to be raised in Wahaland, as told by her brothers. I suspect the tiny green dragon is going to play a big role in this story, I think you've gained a very sympathetic audience, and characters, Roxanne, excellently done, blessings, Roy
Typo : bright green eyes (starred) back, stared? As she (road) out of sight, Rode?
Comment Written 20-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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Thank you so much for your thoughtful review. I made the correction, thank you. Yes the dragon will eventually meet Joshua.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
A good continuation of the story here. I especially enjoy the dragon sequences, good descriptiveness there.
"I feel he can see right into my thoughts before I say the words," Anna would say, "He will be a leader one day I think." - technically the second piece of dialogue here should start lower case as the previous isn't closed off. Either than or change the comma to a full stop following say.
Nyla, felt the same - unnecessary comma here.
and she road out of sight still waving. - rode.
You don't really need the marks around words for emphasis (dark one.Outsider) although if you are going to use them perhaps it would be better to use a different form to differentiate from dialogue.
Anna heart pounded - Anna's.
He felt it gave him ethereal, mystical appearance. - an ethereal.
taking such a young babe from it's mother. - its.
"What is it?" He asked, impatient - he.
At least that Is how it seemed. - is.
How was she to bare it?- bear in this instance.
He saw a far away look in her eyes - faraway can be a single word here.
sat on the ledge below his mother and sibling - siblings?
They made a sound that could me heard for miles - could be heard.
and saw his sibling devouring the insects - siblings.
He would sheltered there until his wings - would be.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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Hi there,
A good continuation of the story here. I especially enjoy the dragon sequences, good descriptiveness there.
"I feel he can see right into my thoughts before I say the words," Anna would say, "He will be a leader one day I think." - technically the second piece of dialogue here should start lower case as the previous isn't closed off. Either than or change the comma to a full stop following say.
Nyla, felt the same - unnecessary comma here.
and she road out of sight still waving. - rode.
You don't really need the marks around words for emphasis (dark one.Outsider) although if you are going to use them perhaps it would be better to use a different form to differentiate from dialogue.
Anna heart pounded - Anna's.
He felt it gave him ethereal, mystical appearance. - an ethereal.
taking such a young babe from it's mother. - its.
"What is it?" He asked, impatient - he.
At least that Is how it seemed. - is.
How was she to bare it?- bear in this instance.
He saw a far away look in her eyes - faraway can be a single word here.
sat on the ledge below his mother and sibling - siblings?
They made a sound that could me heard for miles - could be heard.
and saw his sibling devouring the insects - siblings.
He would sheltered there until his wings - would be.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 20-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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Thanks so much for all the helps. I think I made all the corrections. I do appreciate your taking so much time in your review. Thank you for the good rating.
Comment from Cybertron1986
This is one of the few chapter books I choose to review. But, I'm glad I did. Your writing style is appealing and inviting to read from the start to end. Coming in at the middle, I'm still able to connect with your characters and storyline because, your voice and expression, as well as your content, is simply presented in both an engaging direction and uniqueness. Well done
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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This is one of the few chapter books I choose to review. But, I'm glad I did. Your writing style is appealing and inviting to read from the start to end. Coming in at the middle, I'm still able to connect with your characters and storyline because, your voice and expression, as well as your content, is simply presented in both an engaging direction and uniqueness. Well done
Comment Written 20-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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Thank you so much, glad you enjoyed it. Rox
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello, I don't think it is a long chapter. In the real world of books, chapters are a lot longer than this one, and there's only so many you can cut in half to suit FanStory. I liked your story and found it quite suspenseful when they were talking about the child that was born. I noticed no errors, your dialogue and characterization is very good and makes for interesting and engaging ready, thanks for sharing it, Ana.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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Hello, I don't think it is a long chapter. In the real world of books, chapters are a lot longer than this one, and there's only so many you can cut in half to suit FanStory. I liked your story and found it quite suspenseful when they were talking about the child that was born. I noticed no errors, your dialogue and characterization is very good and makes for interesting and engaging ready, thanks for sharing it, Ana.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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Thank you so much Ana, your review is most encouraging. Have a good evening. Rox
