My Brothers' Keeper
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "My Brother's Keeper"Rachel feels responsible for her brother.
9 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
Oh, this promises to be an interesting adventure. I like how you wove in spirituality and tips on survival in the wilderness into the story! I'm puzzling over the title and wondering who is the brother. The wolf seems magical - definitely provided by God for protect her!
Suggestions:
If its not though (it's)
Tears trinkled down her cheeks, (trickled? Or, did you create a new word that joined trickle+sprinkle?)
push herself up from here knees (her knees)
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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Oh, this promises to be an interesting adventure. I like how you wove in spirituality and tips on survival in the wilderness into the story! I'm puzzling over the title and wondering who is the brother. The wolf seems magical - definitely provided by God for protect her!
Suggestions:
If its not though (it's)
Tears trinkled down her cheeks, (trickled? Or, did you create a new word that joined trickle+sprinkle?)
push herself up from here knees (her knees)
Comment Written 14-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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Thank you so much Helen for reading, reviewing and your great comments, I will fix those things shortly and no I didn't create a new words but hey I could have lol. Hugs!
Comment from Mabaker
This one is very good, Alie. I love the introduction of the wolf, that gives the story a springboard for lots of things to happen. As the animal seems friendly and has saved her from a snake bite, she feels less lonely. I'm waiting for more Please let me know. Love U Anne.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2018
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This one is very good, Alie. I love the introduction of the wolf, that gives the story a springboard for lots of things to happen. As the animal seems friendly and has saved her from a snake bite, she feels less lonely. I'm waiting for more Please let me know. Love U Anne.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2018
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Thank you so much Anne for reading and reviewing, I am so glad you enjoyed it. I really appreciate the six stars, I have decided that I do better with stories than poetry lol. Again thanks, luv u Alie
Comment from BeasPeas
I enjoyed reading this. I guess it is the start of the story that I reviewed earlier. To be alone in the forest is a scary thing. The wolf saved her. My husband loved wolves and knew a lot about them from reading so much about them. I'm glad to have read the beginning chapter. Great job. Marilyn
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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I enjoyed reading this. I guess it is the start of the story that I reviewed earlier. To be alone in the forest is a scary thing. The wolf saved her. My husband loved wolves and knew a lot about them from reading so much about them. I'm glad to have read the beginning chapter. Great job. Marilyn
Comment Written 19-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Thanks Marilyn, I am so glad you are enjoying it and that you took the time to review it. I just love wolves, I even have a tattoo of a wolf's face. More to come lol.
Comment from Pantygynt
Was the snake just a starter for the wolf and hhad he planned her being the main course? We shall have to wait and see. I started this yesterday and just could not get into it. Not your fault; I was suffering from an overkill of reviewing. this morning it slipped down real easy.
She has several options. Has she got the means to make fire? There is plenty to keep it going if she has. Snake makes a good meal, or so the Australians tell us and she could win the wolfe's confidence by feeding him a portion. It all depends on her abiliuty to make fire really.
Any way you have my interest. roll on the next chapter.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2018
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Was the snake just a starter for the wolf and hhad he planned her being the main course? We shall have to wait and see. I started this yesterday and just could not get into it. Not your fault; I was suffering from an overkill of reviewing. this morning it slipped down real easy.
She has several options. Has she got the means to make fire? There is plenty to keep it going if she has. Snake makes a good meal, or so the Australians tell us and she could win the wolfe's confidence by feeding him a portion. It all depends on her abiliuty to make fire really.
Any way you have my interest. roll on the next chapter.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2018
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Thank you so for reviewing and for your honesty. Mmmm making a fire is a good idea, I'll have to see what my notes say. This was an inspiring thought I had a few years ago, so now I have found my notes and just take each day, one at a time.
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Run with it. It looks good. If she has no matches or lighter she might have a watch glass to concentrate the sun's rays and set the dry leaves burning.
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LOL, you are truly amazing, a master of all trades, I love your suggestions. I do think this is reflective of your training for the navy.
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Royal Marines actually. Commandos have a saying "Any fool can be uncomfortable in the field!"
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Ahaaa so I was right, lol.
Comment from Janilou
What an interesting start to your story. I really liked the wolf coming to her rescue and killing the snake.
It is a long chapter, and I have the same issue when I post my work. :-) You will get more reviews if you shorten them. Personally I feel if something is worth reading, it doesn't matter how long or short the chapter is.
Your story held my interest. The only thing I noticed is that there is quite a bit of information being shared in this chapter, for example here:
Philip had recently been inducted as a full partner in the legal firm he had diligently work with for the past ten years, taking each step of the ladder of success. Rachel knew he was committed to his work and he was good actually very good at it. He had managed a wide range of cases which thus made him a valued partner and his opinion was widely respected. He was the corporate law specialist of the multi facetted firm.
Tim was a year younger than Philip, and while Philip had been the quiet book worm; he had been the adventurous one. Both boys had been scouts, Philip learned the guide lines while Tim created the trouble. But they were very supportive of each other whatever the case.
I'm not sure this information, though interesting really helps to move the plot forward which is your main character's dilemma of being lost in the wilderness.
With her toque filled with blueberries she took a few moments to gaze skyward.
tote?
Or is toque a word she knows that means something to her? Just wondering?
All in all a good start to your story.
All the best,
Jan
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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What an interesting start to your story. I really liked the wolf coming to her rescue and killing the snake.
It is a long chapter, and I have the same issue when I post my work. :-) You will get more reviews if you shorten them. Personally I feel if something is worth reading, it doesn't matter how long or short the chapter is.
Your story held my interest. The only thing I noticed is that there is quite a bit of information being shared in this chapter, for example here:
Philip had recently been inducted as a full partner in the legal firm he had diligently work with for the past ten years, taking each step of the ladder of success. Rachel knew he was committed to his work and he was good actually very good at it. He had managed a wide range of cases which thus made him a valued partner and his opinion was widely respected. He was the corporate law specialist of the multi facetted firm.
Tim was a year younger than Philip, and while Philip had been the quiet book worm; he had been the adventurous one. Both boys had been scouts, Philip learned the guide lines while Tim created the trouble. But they were very supportive of each other whatever the case.
I'm not sure this information, though interesting really helps to move the plot forward which is your main character's dilemma of being lost in the wilderness.
With her toque filled with blueberries she took a few moments to gaze skyward.
tote?
Or is toque a word she knows that means something to her? Just wondering?
All in all a good start to your story.
All the best,
Jan
Comment Written 17-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Thank you for reading and then reviewing. I really appreciate your comments. I do realize it was long and did apologize for the length in the notes and will not make the future chapters as long. Oh, regarding togue = I copied this from another site- A toque is a type of hat with a narrow brim or no brim at all. Toques were popular from the 13th to the 16th century in Europe, especially France. The mode was revived in the 1930s. Now it is primarily known as the traditional headgear for professional cooks, except in Canada where the term is primarily used for knit caps future chapters as long. Thanks so much.
Comment from mvbrooks
I didn't realize this was a first chapter until your notes at the end. You've started in the middle of a scene (with some back-tracking telling us how the fox caused it) and revealed your character through her dialogue and attempts at survival.
You've left us with a lot of questions and with a strong character--two great elements to get the reader to want to read on.
Editing notes:
"She voiced in a scratchy whisper as she turned in a slow circle to scan the area. In anticipation of another attach she tensed slightly and made sure her stance was shoulder width apart for balance."
--did you mean "attack" instead of "attach"?
"Tears tinkled down her cheeks"
--this may just be a matter of geography or local sayings-- but did you mean "trickled" rather than "tinkled" down her face? (I've only encountered "tinkled" as a way to touch piano keys or as a way to pee).
"Well, Rachel you fool! Now, whatcha going to do? Not that you have to many choices."
--need to replace"to" with "too" in this case.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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I didn't realize this was a first chapter until your notes at the end. You've started in the middle of a scene (with some back-tracking telling us how the fox caused it) and revealed your character through her dialogue and attempts at survival.
You've left us with a lot of questions and with a strong character--two great elements to get the reader to want to read on.
Editing notes:
"She voiced in a scratchy whisper as she turned in a slow circle to scan the area. In anticipation of another attach she tensed slightly and made sure her stance was shoulder width apart for balance."
--did you mean "attack" instead of "attach"?
"Tears tinkled down her cheeks"
--this may just be a matter of geography or local sayings-- but did you mean "trickled" rather than "tinkled" down her face? (I've only encountered "tinkled" as a way to touch piano keys or as a way to pee).
"Well, Rachel you fool! Now, whatcha going to do? Not that you have to many choices."
--need to replace"to" with "too" in this case.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Thank you very much for reading and then reviewing. I really appreciate your comments and for the errors you found and addressed. I will fix those in a few moments.
Comment from MelB
In anticipation of another attach she tensed slightly and made sure her stance was shoulder width apart for balance. - another attac(k)
Not that you have to many choices. - to(o) many choices.
When she had her fill of water and berries, she decided to sit leaning against a rock formation to absorb so heat from the sun - so(me) heat from the sun
You had me on the edge of my seat! The wolf saved her life and wanted to be her friend, I think.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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In anticipation of another attach she tensed slightly and made sure her stance was shoulder width apart for balance. - another attac(k)
Not that you have to many choices. - to(o) many choices.
When she had her fill of water and berries, she decided to sit leaning against a rock formation to absorb so heat from the sun - so(me) heat from the sun
You had me on the edge of my seat! The wolf saved her life and wanted to be her friend, I think.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Thanks so much for reading and reviewing Mel, I really appreciate the kind words and the corrections you found, those will be fixed in a few minutes. It sounds like you enjoyed it thus far.
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You're welcome and I did!
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I will try to make the next chapter as interesting.
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I'm sure it will be:)
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I'm sure it will be:)
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
OMG That was scary at the end! The wolf saved you from a snake. It says this is non-fiction, is it? It reads so real. I did enjoy this and can't wait to read more. I wonder what it was that knocked you to the ground. I think God must be looking out for you/her. I wouldn't have a clue what to do if I was lost in a forest like that. I found a couple of nits, Alie. Only little things. Right, hope the next part is in the making!! :) Sandra xxx
( ) take off. [ ] add.
when they found what was left of her(e),
Not that you have to[o] many choices
legal firm he had diligently work[ed] with for the past
was good[,] actually['] very good at it
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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OMG That was scary at the end! The wolf saved you from a snake. It says this is non-fiction, is it? It reads so real. I did enjoy this and can't wait to read more. I wonder what it was that knocked you to the ground. I think God must be looking out for you/her. I wouldn't have a clue what to do if I was lost in a forest like that. I found a couple of nits, Alie. Only little things. Right, hope the next part is in the making!! :) Sandra xxx
( ) take off. [ ] add.
when they found what was left of her(e),
Not that you have to[o] many choices
legal firm he had diligently work[ed] with for the past
was good[,] actually['] very good at it
Comment Written 17-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Wow, thanks for reading and reviewing Sandra. I am so glad you enjoyed it. It was actually the wolf that knocked Rachel to the ground. Now you know that I cant tell you if it is fiction or not, that would spoil the story. Oh I definitely believe in guardian angels, I have over the years had enough close calls and redirection to not believe. Thanks for catching those corrections, will fix them shortly.
Comment from robina1978
An excellent photo that complements your first chapter very well. She apologises to God for not praying enough. She asks God for a clue how to get back to civilisation. She made a plan to survive like animals use. She had two brothers, Philip and Tim. Tim created the trouble. Rachel always hope for a wee sister. At the end a wolf saved her from a snake attack. A nice first chapter, not too long, But I think I spotted some grammar issues- you could check these with grammar free. You have to take your post first out of Fan story, like to one note.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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An excellent photo that complements your first chapter very well. She apologises to God for not praying enough. She asks God for a clue how to get back to civilisation. She made a plan to survive like animals use. She had two brothers, Philip and Tim. Tim created the trouble. Rachel always hope for a wee sister. At the end a wolf saved her from a snake attack. A nice first chapter, not too long, But I think I spotted some grammar issues- you could check these with grammar free. You have to take your post first out of Fan story, like to one note.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Thanks for reading and then taking the time to review, I really appreciate your kind comments and great observational skills. I will work on those issues. Thanks for spotting them.
