Comment from Pearl Edwards

Excellent

Your Pastoral Poem verses give a good comparison to life in the city V the country, the peace and quiet of one to the crowds and noise of the other. Nicely done,
cheers.

 Comment Written 11-Mar-2018

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reply by the author on 11-Mar-2018

Thank you very much for reviewing kindly.

Comment from kiwigirl2821

Excellent

Hello bucketlist

This is lovely and a littler surreal for me. I was both city and country and I know both sides of this particular coin. Good luck in your club. this one is beauty! xoxo Kiwi

 Comment Written 10-Mar-2018

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reply by the author on 11-Mar-2018

Thanks very much, kiwigirl. I liked the idea of the comparison, I?m glad you enjoyed my poetry. Have a wonderful week
Hugs, Trisha

Comment from Joy Graham

Excellent

I love that picture :) It made me think of leprechauns and fairy people living in one huge green field and forest. I have lucky charms on my mind. I enjoyed your author notes explaining this type of poetry. I had hoped you'd share a story in your poem about the shepherd and his dog. Nevertheless I enjoyed reading your poem today.

Joy xx

 Comment Written 10-Mar-2018

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reply by the author on 12-Mar-2018

Thanks very much Joy,
Hugs, Trisha

Comment from Dolly'sPoems

Excellent

I have always lived close to towns but have appeciated the country. I worked in the city for years and don't touch cities with a barge-pole now! Nature is inspiring as well as people from all walks of life, inspiration is everywhere we look, your poem is food for thought Trisha, a great club write, love Dolly x

 Comment Written 10-Mar-2018

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reply by the author on 10-Mar-2018

Thanks, it was a new style for me. I appreciate your kind review
Hugs, Trisha

Comment from Heather Knight

Excellent

I love the poem you have written for the Poetry Potlatch club. I like the contrast between the first and second stanzas, it's very well done.
Thanks for sharing and for the notes.

 Comment Written 10-Mar-2018

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reply by the author on 10-Mar-2018

Thank you so much Maria, your review as a poet means a lot.
Hugs, Trisha

Comment from rama devi

Excellent

Second review

Thanks for letting me know you revised.


First review (FOUR stars)


This is a fine duet of contrasting scenes in fine free verse pastoral style. I like your sense of the music of words with inventive slant rhymes and alliteration, etc. Fine imagery, message and overarching theme. Decent flow (but could be smoother in places).

A number of spag issues is the reason for the four star rating. I'll be happy to re-review and upgrade accordingly if you make revisions (let me know)


NOTES




*
There the shepherd lives in his quite dreams

quiet, not quite (right?)

*
He has the song of the birds,(no ,) as they fly above

*
The scenery extends for miles(--) a picture to love


Love the slant rhyme here...and the imagery:

He holds the flock safe from any marauders
His sheep dog guides them with certain orders


Fun rhymes here too:
Life in the city is noisy and so very diverse
Muggers can often be after your purse
The fields are long gone, the view restricted
The streets overcrowded, morale not uplifted


*
Stress of a Boss(,) who's driven to earn money


Good line (note one suggestion--optional):

Surreal vistas truncated by buildings(,) not trees


*Love this line:

The comparison to rural life brings me dis ease


Good word play on disease being dis-ease (suggest using a hyphen and quote marks: 'dis-ease')

Superb alliteraiton of P in the closing two lines - and fine slant rhyme too... (note one spelling issue):


The CEO in business puts pressure to perform
Or else jobs wil(will) be lost, leaving people forlorn


Nice picture. Fine title. Good poem...still needs fine tuning.

Warmly, rd

 Comment Written 10-Mar-2018

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reply by the author on 10-Mar-2018

What a nice surprise to have my poem reviewed by you. Thank you very much. I?ve made amends now. The 10 Stars will be very pretty LOL
Namaste
Hugs, Trisha

reply by rama devi on 10-Mar-2018

Namaste Trisha. Thanks for your gracious response and letting me know you made edits. upgrading! Warmly, rd

Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear

Excellent

This speaks a comparison of life in a land of green and a life in the city, describing the distinct differences, specificities, benefits and effect in patterns of life; well written, well done; thank you for sharing this with us. B A CHANGE INSPIRER-WRITER -- DR ALCREATOR

 Comment Written 10-Mar-2018

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reply by the author on 10-Mar-2018

You are welcome, Al. Thank you for appreciating it. My first try at that style was challenging!
Have a great weekend
Trisha

Comment from Pamusart

Excellent

I think you meant quiet rather than quite? As in shepherds quiet dreams.

I think the poem is beautiful. I have a better rhyme than uplifted for restricted. How about "morale not depicted"? Totally up to you. In the last verse you are missing an l in will. You have wil. This poem is about the rat race defined with vivid imagery. It tells us that a simple shepherd is happier than the wealthiest business executive because he lives fir the moment, works from dawn til dusk and has no free time to ponder his life or fate. Very profound. Thank you for sharing

 Comment Written 10-Mar-2018

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reply by the author on 10-Mar-2018

Thank you, I?m grateful for your review. Someone had already proofread the poem, but thanks.. I shall ponder on your suggestion.
Hugs, Trisha