Unleashed Chaos
Viewing comments for Chapter 49 "The Battle Begins/Part Two"A Novel of the Breedline Series
6 total reviews
Comment from rwilliam
wow, you never disappoint with the pictures. :) Good one.
I'm not sure if you've put this book to print yet or not...so just in case you haven't, here are a few suggestions.
"This will take less time," Drakon said, holding up the ID, and added, "provided it works."
"We don't have much time," Tim said. ---You have them saying the same thing in close proximity which seems repetitive. I'd change one of them up.
For example: This should speed things along, Drakon said,... That way you could leave the next line about not much time the way it is.
Also: "I'm counting on you two to find Tessa and her mother. Use your radio to stay in contact."
Drakon tossed the security card to Kyle. "You'll need this to get to Tessa and her mother," Drakon said as Kyle reached up and caught it.--Same as above you have them repeating the same thing in close proximity. Maybe change it up.
For example:I'm counting on you two to find them. Use your radio to stay in contact. Then you could leave the other line as it is. You wouldn't be saying Tess and her mother twice so close...Make sense?
Kyle bolted forward where Tessa lay and said, "Tessa." Placing his hand on her shoulder, he gently shook her. "Tessa, can you hear me?"---You don't need the word 'said' here. We know it's Kyle and Tessa. So I'd just write it: Kyle bolted forward where Tessa lay. "Tessa." He placed his hand on her shoulder and gently shook her.
OH MY WORD! The ending. What a cliff hanger girl! I swear you write drama so dang well! I am impressed. Great writing my friend!!
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2018
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wow, you never disappoint with the pictures. :) Good one.
I'm not sure if you've put this book to print yet or not...so just in case you haven't, here are a few suggestions.
"This will take less time," Drakon said, holding up the ID, and added, "provided it works."
"We don't have much time," Tim said. ---You have them saying the same thing in close proximity which seems repetitive. I'd change one of them up.
For example: This should speed things along, Drakon said,... That way you could leave the next line about not much time the way it is.
Also: "I'm counting on you two to find Tessa and her mother. Use your radio to stay in contact."
Drakon tossed the security card to Kyle. "You'll need this to get to Tessa and her mother," Drakon said as Kyle reached up and caught it.--Same as above you have them repeating the same thing in close proximity. Maybe change it up.
For example:I'm counting on you two to find them. Use your radio to stay in contact. Then you could leave the other line as it is. You wouldn't be saying Tess and her mother twice so close...Make sense?
Kyle bolted forward where Tessa lay and said, "Tessa." Placing his hand on her shoulder, he gently shook her. "Tessa, can you hear me?"---You don't need the word 'said' here. We know it's Kyle and Tessa. So I'd just write it: Kyle bolted forward where Tessa lay. "Tessa." He placed his hand on her shoulder and gently shook her.
OH MY WORD! The ending. What a cliff hanger girl! I swear you write drama so dang well! I am impressed. Great writing my friend!!
Comment Written 11-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2018
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Thank you so much! :)
I appreciate the great tips. Thanks! Sometimes you just don't pick up what others do. I'm hoping I'm getting better as I continue to write. I sure need to find a better editor. The kind I get seems to do a poor job. If you know anyone, please send me their info. But you definitely help me out. It's nice of you to take the time to read my chapter and give me advice. If I didn't have this, I would never learn. You're awesome! Plus, you don't use that against me when you review. Some readers rate you on mostly your mistakes, not your talent for writing.
Thanks again,
Shana :)
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I don't know of any editors. But if I do, I will sure let you know.
I know what you mean about how some rate you according to mistakes. TO me, story is more important. All the other can be fixed. :-) I'm happy to read and I hope I encourage and help. You most definitely have grown as a writer girl. Are you kidding me?! :-) Just bc I see things doesn't mean anyone else would. Keep that in mind, k. I look forward to reading more of your work.
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You're a gem! Thank you :)
Comment from ngage
Another spectacular chapter, Shana. Each time I read a new chapter, it keeps me captivated from the beginning to the end, leaving me wanting more!
Your choice of photos are spot on too! You're an amazing writer. I look to see you go far with your outstanding talent.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2018
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Another spectacular chapter, Shana. Each time I read a new chapter, it keeps me captivated from the beginning to the end, leaving me wanting more!
Your choice of photos are spot on too! You're an amazing writer. I look to see you go far with your outstanding talent.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2018
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Thank you, ngage! :)
It's always a pleasure to hear your encouraging feedback. You've been very supportive and motivating for me.
Thanks so much my dear friend!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from royowen
Wow! Some marvellous action in this story dear Shana, you've done yourself proud with this production of action description my friend. The goodie crowd is making some headway into the Dr. Crane compound, and the encounter between goodie and baddie are profound. Just as Casey and Kyle are going to rescue Lilith and Tessa, Sebastion and Thomas turn up, with a knife held to Casey's throat, his theriomorph starts to react... Exciting stuff dear girl, a wonderful episode, excellent stuff, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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Wow! Some marvellous action in this story dear Shana, you've done yourself proud with this production of action description my friend. The goodie crowd is making some headway into the Dr. Crane compound, and the encounter between goodie and baddie are profound. Just as Casey and Kyle are going to rescue Lilith and Tessa, Sebastion and Thomas turn up, with a knife held to Casey's throat, his theriomorph starts to react... Exciting stuff dear girl, a wonderful episode, excellent stuff, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 06-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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Whoo-hoo! Thank you, Roy :)
Yes... things are starting to heat up as the real battle is just beginning. Stay tuned my friend... more action to come.
Thanks for all your support. It means so much to me.
Always your fan,
Shana :)
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Wonderfull done, dear Shana
Comment from apky
Yes! Another one that is absolutely brilliant. I'm amazed time and again at how good you are with constructing combat and deploying all the fighters in their right roles and making them coordinate their actions independent of each other.
I suspect you learnt these fabulous tactics from the Master - after all he has experienced them both in training and in practice...
Keep it up, darling, you're splendid in this.
the Beast's red-hot glare as his blood surged volcanically in his veins. ~ May I again take the liberty to suggest something here? The word "volcanically", although correct, sounds a little awkward, amateurish. Here, why not risk the word count and simply state "like an active volcano..."?
Kyle nodded and took off with Casey following close behind, ignoring Drakon as he ordered them to be cautious. ~ the second half of the sentence would be/is redundant, unles that strong verb - ignoring - is injected for something negative that would happen later BECAUSE Kyle and Casey had ignored Drakon's warning.
If this is not the case, then you need to use a less powerful verb here. How about:
Kyle nodded and took off with Casey following close behind, while Drakon needlessly ordered them to be cautious.
Just my suggestion.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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Yes! Another one that is absolutely brilliant. I'm amazed time and again at how good you are with constructing combat and deploying all the fighters in their right roles and making them coordinate their actions independent of each other.
I suspect you learnt these fabulous tactics from the Master - after all he has experienced them both in training and in practice...
Keep it up, darling, you're splendid in this.
the Beast's red-hot glare as his blood surged volcanically in his veins. ~ May I again take the liberty to suggest something here? The word "volcanically", although correct, sounds a little awkward, amateurish. Here, why not risk the word count and simply state "like an active volcano..."?
Kyle nodded and took off with Casey following close behind, ignoring Drakon as he ordered them to be cautious. ~ the second half of the sentence would be/is redundant, unles that strong verb - ignoring - is injected for something negative that would happen later BECAUSE Kyle and Casey had ignored Drakon's warning.
If this is not the case, then you need to use a less powerful verb here. How about:
Kyle nodded and took off with Casey following close behind, while Drakon needlessly ordered them to be cautious.
Just my suggestion.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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Excellent feedback my dear friend! :)
You definitely have that special eye and expert advice that I do pay attention to. I really appreciate all you do to encourage me and teach me new things. You're a gem!
Your fan always,
Shana :)
Comment from Katie Solis
This was awesome, if I didn't have to leave right now, I would go back and read from the beginning. You are a great writer, and when I get back, I think I will get to know your work better.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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This was awesome, if I didn't have to leave right now, I would go back and read from the beginning. You are a great writer, and when I get back, I think I will get to know your work better.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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Thank you, Katie! :)
This is the sunshine in my day!!! Hearing your kind and encouraging words makes all the difference. I love to write about my characters and their adventures. It is all worth it when the reader enjoys the story.
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from Zue65
Thanks a lot for the detailed description of the main characters in this saga of Breedlines and the resulting mutations of their packs. Together with the definitions of important terms, the author's notes felt like I am reading the whole story plot and the thread of events was made more clear. Very well done.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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Thanks a lot for the detailed description of the main characters in this saga of Breedlines and the resulting mutations of their packs. Together with the definitions of important terms, the author's notes felt like I am reading the whole story plot and the thread of events was made more clear. Very well done.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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Thank you, Nassus1957 :)
I really appreciate your feedback and kind rating. Stay tuned... more Breedline adventures to come my friend.
Sincerely,
Shana :)
