This Time - That Time 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 35 "The Beginning of a Plan"Veronica is sent back again
32 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Hi, dear Sandra! You're doing a great job with diction that enhances characterization. I apologize for missing a few chapters. I've been super busy with client's stuff and am reviewing less often and less intensively on FS, so am mostly reviewing poetry when I visit here. Nonetheless, I was able to get drawn into your chapter, even though I can't follow the plot fully at this point. Your depiction of scenes makes them easy to visualize and the pacing is good. It held my attention. The dialog is excellent. A few spags and suggestions:
*
My eyes struggled to open as I turned my head to face the alarm clock,(no ,) and saw the time was just after eleven.
*
'Ann?' I whispered, not wanting to wake James. 'What is it(,) Sweetheart?' I dragged myself out of bed and took her hand.
*
She pulled me outside the bedroom(,) and I quietly shut the door. 'It's Daveth, Mummy. He wants to speak to you.'
I took a deep breath. 'Daveth, I want you to listen carefully, okay?' (PARAGRAPH BREAK) He nodded. (PARAGRAPH BREAK)'I'm already looking into ways to help your dad. When you get home, I want you to be strong for your mother and sister, because they need you to be the man of the house for now.
*I was angry, in fact more than angry.
WAS is a weak verb, and this sentence is telling not showing. Express it more vividly by using a simile or a sensation (or both). Example:
Anger shot through my veins like a searing hot iron had melted and was running through them.
*It was a long, worrying night until the sun rose(,) and dawn filtered through my curtains like illuminated fingers of light.
*Wonderful, dependible Mildred had done it again, a
dependable
*
'What's the matter with this Sir John anyways?(') Mildred asked. '
Much Love,
rd
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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Hi, dear Sandra! You're doing a great job with diction that enhances characterization. I apologize for missing a few chapters. I've been super busy with client's stuff and am reviewing less often and less intensively on FS, so am mostly reviewing poetry when I visit here. Nonetheless, I was able to get drawn into your chapter, even though I can't follow the plot fully at this point. Your depiction of scenes makes them easy to visualize and the pacing is good. It held my attention. The dialog is excellent. A few spags and suggestions:
*
My eyes struggled to open as I turned my head to face the alarm clock,(no ,) and saw the time was just after eleven.
*
'Ann?' I whispered, not wanting to wake James. 'What is it(,) Sweetheart?' I dragged myself out of bed and took her hand.
*
She pulled me outside the bedroom(,) and I quietly shut the door. 'It's Daveth, Mummy. He wants to speak to you.'
I took a deep breath. 'Daveth, I want you to listen carefully, okay?' (PARAGRAPH BREAK) He nodded. (PARAGRAPH BREAK)'I'm already looking into ways to help your dad. When you get home, I want you to be strong for your mother and sister, because they need you to be the man of the house for now.
*I was angry, in fact more than angry.
WAS is a weak verb, and this sentence is telling not showing. Express it more vividly by using a simile or a sensation (or both). Example:
Anger shot through my veins like a searing hot iron had melted and was running through them.
*It was a long, worrying night until the sun rose(,) and dawn filtered through my curtains like illuminated fingers of light.
*Wonderful, dependible Mildred had done it again, a
dependable
*
'What's the matter with this Sir John anyways?(') Mildred asked. '
Much Love,
rd
Comment Written 06-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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Hi Rama, thank you so much for this really helpful review. I've made all the corrections and changed the 'telling' line, into a 'showing' line. I seem to be able to come up with some in parts of the story and then not in other parts! I really appreciate your help my friend. Thank you! xxx Sandra x
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My pleasure, dear! Thanks for your gracious response. Hugs, rd
Comment from wordsfromsue
Let me guess....have Joe 'blackmail' Sir John, for money to buy the chocolate making ingredients, to stay quiet about Francis.
Or is Sir John wanting Joe to come to the house to be nice to him? He COULD have had a change of heart....yeah, right!
Great chapter, once again!
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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Let me guess....have Joe 'blackmail' Sir John, for money to buy the chocolate making ingredients, to stay quiet about Francis.
Or is Sir John wanting Joe to come to the house to be nice to him? He COULD have had a change of heart....yeah, right!
Great chapter, once again!
Comment Written 05-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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Everyone is trying to guess what Mildred's plan is, lol! The chocolate is important. I'll leave it at that!! Thank you so much, Sue, for another lovely review. Big hugs my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment from Zue65
This is definitely quite a fresh story plot on time travelers written with a twist, where a time traveler can go back and forth with ease without the pains usually associated with shifting in different spaces through time. Very well done, thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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This is definitely quite a fresh story plot on time travelers written with a twist, where a time traveler can go back and forth with ease without the pains usually associated with shifting in different spaces through time. Very well done, thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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Thank you, nassus, for your lovely review. It's really nice to know that you think if different from all the other time travelling stories. I appreciate that a lot. Big hugs, my friend. Sandra xx
Comment from l.raven
HI Sandra, all of that thinking...and that is what Mildred came up with...and while Joe is there...knowing he's about to die...he can ask Mr.Jerko for a new car...and why stop there...LOL...but I like the chocolate idea...well!! lets see how Joe takes the news...LOL...very well written sweet angel...a great chapter...love your story told...always you...love you sooooooo lotesssss....Linda xxoo
Hi To Ian for me...hope all is going well...
I finally ordered one of your books...can't wait to get it...xxoo big hugs
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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HI Sandra, all of that thinking...and that is what Mildred came up with...and while Joe is there...knowing he's about to die...he can ask Mr.Jerko for a new car...and why stop there...LOL...but I like the chocolate idea...well!! lets see how Joe takes the news...LOL...very well written sweet angel...a great chapter...love your story told...always you...love you sooooooo lotesssss....Linda xxoo
Hi To Ian for me...hope all is going well...
I finally ordered one of your books...can't wait to get it...xxoo big hugs
Comment Written 05-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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LOL!! Linda, what am I going to do with you??? LOL. Mr Jerko, LOL, I'm sure he would willingly hand over loads of dosh so that Joe can have a good holiday with his family in Skegness!! (a sea-side on the east side of England. Skeggy, as it is affectionately called!) Thank you so much, my dear friend, for the fun review. Big hugs, and looooooaaaaads of luv!!! :) Sandra
Thank you for buying my book!! Will you write me a review sometime on Amazon? :) :) Love you!!! xxx
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you are always sooooo welcome my sooooooooo sweet friend...and don't be trying to send Joe to far away...LOL...I think we have something going on...not to sure what it is...but something is better than nothing...LOL...you know a good shrink???...LOL... and you bet your booties I will review your book...smiling sooooooo big...love you all the way to Heaven...that's what I tell the grandkids...xxoo love
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I do love this story and I am worried about Veronica and Joe. I can't help but believe everybody will be all right, but I'm really worried now. Daveth is very worried.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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I do love this story and I am worried about Veronica and Joe. I can't help but believe everybody will be all right, but I'm really worried now. Daveth is very worried.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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It doesn't seem as if Veronica is getting anywhere, she's left frustrated at every turn. Thank you so much, Barbara, for your lovely review. Big hugs, my friend. Sandra xxxx
Comment from damommy
Mildred's a lifesaver. She comes up with some good thoughts. I hadn't thought about John having those henchmen killed off to keep them quiet. Something for them to think about.
I say let's get Francis out in the open and let the chips fall where they may, but then again, I don't live in those times. 8-) Others beside John would consider him a freak.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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Mildred's a lifesaver. She comes up with some good thoughts. I hadn't thought about John having those henchmen killed off to keep them quiet. Something for them to think about.
I say let's get Francis out in the open and let the chips fall where they may, but then again, I don't live in those times. 8-) Others beside John would consider him a freak.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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Mildred has grown in confidence since she was a young girl in service during the WW2 and after. What others would think of Francis is Veronica's biggest worry, we'll see what happens next. Thank you, Yvonne, for your loyal support, I've appreciated you reviews and input all the way. Big hugs, my friend. Sandra xxxx
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
'That's it in a nutshell,' I answered. 'We've got ourselves two unsolvable problems.' I sat up straight and picked up my cup after Mildred filled it.
'I wouldn't say that, oh Lordy no!' she said, her eyes suddenly full of merriment as she turned from me to James. 'I think we's got ourselves the beginnin' of a plan. Joe's gonna ask Sir John fer some money....' I do love how you make your characters come alive and their words seem totally real and I can almost hear them speaking in my head. A wonderful talent you have I enjoy every piece I read from you long may you continue. Kindest regards Meia xx
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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'That's it in a nutshell,' I answered. 'We've got ourselves two unsolvable problems.' I sat up straight and picked up my cup after Mildred filled it.
'I wouldn't say that, oh Lordy no!' she said, her eyes suddenly full of merriment as she turned from me to James. 'I think we's got ourselves the beginnin' of a plan. Joe's gonna ask Sir John fer some money....' I do love how you make your characters come alive and their words seem totally real and I can almost hear them speaking in my head. A wonderful talent you have I enjoy every piece I read from you long may you continue. Kindest regards Meia xx
Comment Written 05-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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That is such a nice review, and wonderful compliment! Thank you so much, Meia. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from Sugarray77
I like how you are developing your story. You have ramped up the tension and worry and it has enveloped the entire crew. I like the spot that said "Let me make a fresh potta tea.... it gets me old brain workin' well the cogs move a bit anyway." Fun! Well done.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2018
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I like how you are developing your story. You have ramped up the tension and worry and it has enveloped the entire crew. I like the spot that said "Let me make a fresh potta tea.... it gets me old brain workin' well the cogs move a bit anyway." Fun! Well done.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2018
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Thank you so much, Sugarray, for your lovely review. I'm delighted you enjoyed this part, and Mildred's sayings, she's such a character, I'm glad you liked her too. Big hugs! Sandra xx
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Sandra;
I really enjoyed the way you set this scene. I could see the three of them in the kitchen; plotting away. I read it twice to make note of the little things you add to 'show' and not 'tell.'
...her little pink lips.
...rinsed the cups in hot water
I can learn a thing or two by honing these kinds of details,
~patty~
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2018
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Hi, Sandra;
I really enjoyed the way you set this scene. I could see the three of them in the kitchen; plotting away. I read it twice to make note of the little things you add to 'show' and not 'tell.'
...her little pink lips.
...rinsed the cups in hot water
I can learn a thing or two by honing these kinds of details,
~patty~
Comment Written 05-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2018
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Aww, thank you, Patty, that is such a nice compliment from a fellow author. I've got a big smile on my face now!! Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well, I'm not exactly sure about the chances of Joe getting some money from Sir John, but with you being at the helm, I'm sure that anything can happen. Thanks for sharing. :-)
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2018
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Well, I'm not exactly sure about the chances of Joe getting some money from Sir John, but with you being at the helm, I'm sure that anything can happen. Thanks for sharing. :-)
Comment Written 05-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2018
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We'll have to see what Mildred's idea is, lol. Thank you so much, Ric, for your lovely review. Big hugs, my friend :) Sandra xx
