When I was a young man...
I wore a coat.66 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Great quotes to compliment the premise of your fine faith poem. Great voicing and rhyming. Fine presentation. Superb phonetics, especially all the artistic alliteration awesomeness. I do have some optional recommendations regarding punctuation, which would improve the flow a bit. I particularly applause the assonance of A and alliteraiton plus consonance of F in the penultimate line. Sounds so good read aloud! The reverse syntax in that line is superb--musical and deftly done. When done so well, I love the device. Bravo!
This nears a six in substance but needs fine tuning, technically, I feel. Also, I think you've overused dashes, and not always grammatically. I like dashes, but not when overdone and not the right fit (my opinion). There are spots where a comma fits better, and other places where a dash is optimal. My suggestions are based on how it sounds read aloud to my ear, so only make adjustments if if sounds like how you intended. It's my interpretation. Some are corrections, but most suggestions.
Suggestions:
When I was young(,) I wore a coat,(no ,)
to cover shame -- to learn by rote.
But(,) as I aged(,) my garment tore,
for time will wear -- reveal soul's core.
When building walls --(,) the weakness shows,(--)
those cracks appear when wild wind blows;
unless one builds foundations strong-(,)
those walls will fall when life goes wrong.
Upon this dappled light I walk,(;)
temptation's shadow seeks to stalk;(.)
i(I)f I(,) by faith(,) will fix my gaze-(,)
my God will lead me through life's maze. .(no second .)
With above suggestions:
When I was young, I wore a coat
to cover shame -- to learn by rote.
But, as I aged, my garment tore,
for time will wear -- reveal soul's core.
When building walls, the weakness shows--
those cracks appear when wild wind blows;
unless one builds foundations strong,
those walls will fall when life goes wrong.
Upon this dappled light I walk;
temptation's shadow seeks to stalk.
If I, by faith, will fix my gaze,
my God will lead me through life's maze.
Lovely work.
Blessings,
rd
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
  |
Great quotes to compliment the premise of your fine faith poem. Great voicing and rhyming. Fine presentation. Superb phonetics, especially all the artistic alliteration awesomeness. I do have some optional recommendations regarding punctuation, which would improve the flow a bit. I particularly applause the assonance of A and alliteraiton plus consonance of F in the penultimate line. Sounds so good read aloud! The reverse syntax in that line is superb--musical and deftly done. When done so well, I love the device. Bravo!
This nears a six in substance but needs fine tuning, technically, I feel. Also, I think you've overused dashes, and not always grammatically. I like dashes, but not when overdone and not the right fit (my opinion). There are spots where a comma fits better, and other places where a dash is optimal. My suggestions are based on how it sounds read aloud to my ear, so only make adjustments if if sounds like how you intended. It's my interpretation. Some are corrections, but most suggestions.
Suggestions:
When I was young(,) I wore a coat,(no ,)
to cover shame -- to learn by rote.
But(,) as I aged(,) my garment tore,
for time will wear -- reveal soul's core.
When building walls --(,) the weakness shows,(--)
those cracks appear when wild wind blows;
unless one builds foundations strong-(,)
those walls will fall when life goes wrong.
Upon this dappled light I walk,(;)
temptation's shadow seeks to stalk;(.)
i(I)f I(,) by faith(,) will fix my gaze-(,)
my God will lead me through life's maze. .(no second .)
With above suggestions:
When I was young, I wore a coat
to cover shame -- to learn by rote.
But, as I aged, my garment tore,
for time will wear -- reveal soul's core.
When building walls, the weakness shows--
those cracks appear when wild wind blows;
unless one builds foundations strong,
those walls will fall when life goes wrong.
Upon this dappled light I walk;
temptation's shadow seeks to stalk.
If I, by faith, will fix my gaze,
my God will lead me through life's maze.
Lovely work.
Blessings,
rd
Comment Written 25-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
-
Thanks dear RD,what would I do without you, thanks for this most envouraging and wonderful adjustments, bless you, Roy
-
Bless you too! :-)))) Dear friend!
Comment from Mike J
This is a really good poem, with an even better message. Good rhyme pattern throughout the poem. I appreciate and like the quotes that accompany the poem.
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
|
This is a really good poem, with an even better message. Good rhyme pattern throughout the poem. I appreciate and like the quotes that accompany the poem.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
-
Thanks Mike, for these super words and a great review, blessings, Roy
Comment from jdrhye
The analogies are interesting. I like the way you build up to the foundation of the poem. It gives the reader the opportunity to soak in each stanza. Enjoyed the read. Nicely articulated message.
J
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
|
The analogies are interesting. I like the way you build up to the foundation of the poem. It gives the reader the opportunity to soak in each stanza. Enjoyed the read. Nicely articulated message.
J
Comment Written 25-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
-
Thanks J, for these super words and a great review, blessings, Roy
Comment from robina1978
A lovely picture that complements your poem perfectly. I liked the last stanza best. The title is great as well. Three stanzas with rhyme and flow.
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
 |
A lovely picture that complements your poem perfectly. I liked the last stanza best. The title is great as well. Three stanzas with rhyme and flow.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
-
Thanks Ine, for these lovely words and an outstanding review, and stars, blessings, Roy
Comment from Thomas Bowling
"if the blind lead the blind they will both fall in the ditch."
When I attended seminary, one day a professor misread a verse of scripture. I said, "We're all about to fall in the ditch."
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
|
"if the blind lead the blind they will both fall in the ditch."
When I attended seminary, one day a professor misread a verse of scripture. I said, "We're all about to fall in the ditch."
Comment Written 25-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
-
What a funny thing to say Thomas, one should know scripture better than that. No wonder it changed your direction, thanks for the great review, blessings, Roy
Comment from Zue65
I agree, humans plan but a Higher Source, our God helps us execute those plans. Whatever man builds, highways, bridges and walls, they all happen according to God's kindness, for mankind is nothing without Him. Thanks again for another inspiring piece.
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
|
I agree, humans plan but a Higher Source, our God helps us execute those plans. Whatever man builds, highways, bridges and walls, they all happen according to God's kindness, for mankind is nothing without Him. Thanks again for another inspiring piece.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
-
Thanks, for these super words and a great review, blessings, Roy
Comment from krys123
Cheers, Roy;
-I consider this a beautiful prayer that is so strong with conviction, "Upon this dappled light I walk, temptation's shadow seeks to stalk; if I by faith will fix my gaze- my God will lead me through life's maze."
-I enjoyed the rhythmic tempo of this writing is it shows strong feelings and expressions towards faith and hope.
-Thanks for sharing this, Roy, and take care and have a good one.
Alex
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
|
Cheers, Roy;
-I consider this a beautiful prayer that is so strong with conviction, "Upon this dappled light I walk, temptation's shadow seeks to stalk; if I by faith will fix my gaze- my God will lead me through life's maze."
-I enjoyed the rhythmic tempo of this writing is it shows strong feelings and expressions towards faith and hope.
-Thanks for sharing this, Roy, and take care and have a good one.
Alex
Comment Written 25-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
-
Thanks Alex,, for these super words and a great review, blessings, Roy
-
You're welcome, Roy.
Alex
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I read somewhere that mankind makes plans and God laughs. In all the years I have lived, I have learned to go with the flow and let Him sort it out. Sometimes it takes a while, but the answer comes eventually. We can make choices, but that doesn't mean He will allow them. Well done Roy. Nancy
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
|
I read somewhere that mankind makes plans and God laughs. In all the years I have lived, I have learned to go with the flow and let Him sort it out. Sometimes it takes a while, but the answer comes eventually. We can make choices, but that doesn't mean He will allow them. Well done Roy. Nancy
Comment Written 25-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
-
Thanks Nancy,, Yes that quotes in the bible, and thanks for these super words and a great review, blessings, Roy
-
I thought it was in the Bible but wasn't sure. Thank you Roy. Nancy
-
Most welcome Namcy
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Very good short poem that says a LOT in its last line. Life IS a maze, a super challenging one at that. And no one can find a way through without guidance. Those who try to go it alone are doomed to fail, and then they will turn bitter and blame the builder, saying the maze (life) is too hard. Those who ask for guidance have only small problems, bumping into a wall now and then, but the path is laid out for them, if they will only ask... and follow. :)
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
|
Very good short poem that says a LOT in its last line. Life IS a maze, a super challenging one at that. And no one can find a way through without guidance. Those who try to go it alone are doomed to fail, and then they will turn bitter and blame the builder, saying the maze (life) is too hard. Those who ask for guidance have only small problems, bumping into a wall now and then, but the path is laid out for them, if they will only ask... and follow. :)
Comment Written 25-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
-
Thanks Phyllis, for these super words and a great review, blessings, Roy
Comment from Liberty Justice
Well well, Roy, seems we need God's Guidance more than ever now, You are so right that we need to have faith and walk in righteousness and grace. The preachers say that God Does plan our destinies. BEAUTIFUL! lol liberty justice
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
|
Well well, Roy, seems we need God's Guidance more than ever now, You are so right that we need to have faith and walk in righteousness and grace. The preachers say that God Does plan our destinies. BEAUTIFUL! lol liberty justice
Comment Written 25-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
-
Thanks LJ, for these super words and a great review, blessings, Roy
-
You are so welcome for the excellent 5 star rating I gave you; and, thanks for wishing me good luck in contest, today! lol liberty justice
-
Welcome LJ
